Royal Canadian Mounted Police
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“The only reason we want to separate from Canada.â€
~ any Quebecers on Mounties
“"We Canadians admire them because they are as powerful as Vikings when it comes to catching the bad guy. So if you're a bad guy you're probably already dead."â€
~ Q
“William Shatner is my Mexican Drug Dealerâ€
~ Oscar Wilde on Jewtube
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police', RCMP, or Mount-Me have dedicated themselves to the protection of five things (those things being hockey, "chesterfields", women tied to railroads, the Canadian flag, and ketchup chips).
Not to be confused with the Registered Collectors for the Mafia in Parliament, also know as the RCMP.
The RCMP are basically the closest thing Canada has to an actual army, and you have to forgive most of them for not really doing anything. It's boring as hell in Canada, no matter how many times you play computer solitaire. RCMP therefore most often means Refill Coffee Mug, Please.
The history of the RCMP goes back to when the French first colonized Canada at some point in the distant past. One of the crew on board at the discovery of this new land tried to relieve himself on a tree, only to be faced with a giant horse and a barrelchested young man eloquently requesting that he not urinate on the tree, for it would set off Ph (pH in proper chemistry talk in certain offshoots of this universe) levels and eventually kill the tree. This man was Chip Stanbruck of Newfoundland, father of Kevin kerrigan who was born nearly 8 decades after this event had occurred, amazingly making him, technically, the first "mounty".
The only action the RCMP really get is removing students from residence halls at Rochdale College, near the University of Toronto. This practice dates back to 1834 when John A. Macdonald was too drunk to do it himself. Furthermore, the RCMP never physically remove the students but politely ask them to leave. If they fail to leave they are doused with liberal amounts of pepper spray, then they are asked again to leave.
Due to constant budget cutbacks the RCMP has had to start doing police work on the cheap. They had to sell their only polygraph machine and replace it with the much cheaper, though less effective, pantograph machine. It can't tell if the suspect is telling the truth, but it does make drawings much bigger.
As of 2007, the Mounties primary mode of transportation is a horse. Their primary weapon is a 18th century smoothbore musket.
Stanbruck only exibited one of the powers bestowed to humanity through affiliation with the RCMP. (Those being time travel, rugged 5 o'clock shadow, and the proper use of 'eh?')
[edit] The Mounties in the community
Traditionaly the Mounties carefully choose the victims of "accidents" and other language abuses. Among their favourite victims:
- The Students.
- The Americans.
- People named Bush.
- The shy people.
- The Quebecers.
- The honest people.
- The reporters.
- The elderly people.
- The First Nations people.
- The bald people.
- Canadian labour unions members.
- People who smile.
- The Canadians.
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