Canadian Military
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| Canadian Forces Le Canadiane Poutine | |
 The tri-service badge | |
| Military Manpower | |
| Availability (males age 5-49) | 2(2004 est.)[1] |
| Fit for military service (males age 11-49) | 2 (2004 est.)[1] |
| Regular Force (2004) | approx. 5[2] |
| Primary Reserve (including Rangers) (2004) | approx. 10[2] |
| Military expenditures | |
| Dollar figure (FY07/08) | CAN$10.0 (roughly $10.26 American)[3] |
| Percent of GDP (FY03/04) | 0.0001% (128th in 2004) |
| Military strength | |
 Maritime Command | |
| Fleet Submarines | 1 super subway sandwich |
| Destroyers | 5 with no operators |
| Frigates | 0 |
| Ships not working | practicaly all of them. |
| Operational Support Ships | 3 |
 Land Force Command | |
| Main Battle Tank | 1 Leopard 2A5 1 Leopard C2[4] |
| Infantry fighting vehicles | 2 |
| Armoured Personnel Carriers | 3 |
| Hockey Players | none that can fight |
 Air Command | |
| Fighter | 1 [5] |
| Patrol | 0 |
| Transport | 1 |
| Helicopter | 0 |
| Attack Geese | 600 |
| Unmanned | 0 |
The Canadian Forces (French: Le Canadiane Poutine) are the combined armed forces of Canada. They consist of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and a beaver.
Contents |
[edit] Current State
[edit] Strength (or lack thereof)
Contrary to popular belief, you cannot count all the members of the Canadian Military on one hand, assuming you're missing some fingers. If you have a normal hand, you can count them all without any trouble.
There are 5 active troops in the Canadian Military:
- Bob - Army
- Joe - Air Force
- Frank (ret.) and the other Bob - Navy
- Mcpl Jacques - Beaver
- Sophia - Recruitment
It's rumored there may be one or two more, but no one's ever seen them.
[edit] Canadian Equipment
It seems to most experts that the Canadian Forces have sniper rifles with no ammunition. Their military strategy is to bat people with sniper rifles and hope they retreat first.
[edit] Navy
The Canadian military is the proud owner of the one and only wooden canoe navy. Each one can also work as a sub if the operator puts holes in it on the day of use. The "HMCS Undestroyable", and the "HMCS Oh Crap we're a sub now" are oufited with only the best weapons Canada can buy for its army: Beer! Canadian Attack Plan 547/J states that the attacking forces should throw as much beer at the other ship as possible. This will either sink it or inspire pity in the opposing forces as the canoe speeds away.
The formation of the Canadian navy began when Canada finally got the point that most other navies around the world actually had boats in them. Parliament hired some of the country's most skilled workers and began working on 2 new Super Rafts fitted with bows and arrows on the sides (in the event they happen to spot a whale) and christened them the SS. EH? and the SS OI?
[edit] Air Force
In comparison to the Navy, the Canadian Air force has most others topped. The Canadian military does not have any planes. It uses RC (remote controlled) helicopters and planes. This reduces the chance of having their only air force pilot killed, he's probably drunk anyway. Canada uses the first complete drone air force, envied by all nations of the world. At least all the teenage ones.
The air force helicopter squadron was bought in a yard sale following WW2. They are a canadian pride and are well know to crash[6] or catch on fire[7] for no reason.
It is also worth noting that the Canadian Air Force owns and operates 40 flying squirrels.
[edit] Army
The purpose of the Canadian Army itself is surrounded by confusion. Canada is surrounded to the north, east, and west by water and large bears. Its only option is to attack to the south, but the yanks are there. The US is not, as many believe, planning to invade Canada any time soon. Please keep repeating this to everyone you know. Thank you.
Should Canada get invaded, there are specific defense plans: everyone gets into the tank, then heads to Hans Island to defeat the Danish. It is assumed that a war would be over this island between Nunavut and Greenland, because if it were anything else, there would be no point in drawing plans that would inevitably fail anyway.
[edit] Beaver
The most prominent and well understood branch of the Canadian military is the beaver.
There used to be two beavers but one, Brig. Gen. Simon Poutine, was forced into retirement in a highly controversial decision during the Cutbacks of 1994 (see below). Brig. Gen. Poutine, a descendant of PM Poutine, was the most decorated member of the Canadian military and most well known for his role during the Battle of the Bulge. Following his death on Feb. 29, 2003, he was honored with a military funeral, though many critics believe this was simply to appease the public after the controversial retirement.
[edit] Cutbacks
Beginning in 1994, Canada's military went through a "decade of darkness" due to government attempts to balance the federal budget. That is, they got a special rate on blind soldiers. This led to concerns that the troops would have difficulty steering the tank. The government's rationale was that cutbacks had only left the army with treads and a steering wheel, so it wouldn't make much difference anyway.
[edit] Recruiting Process
The Canadian Military recruits persons of all race, religion, nationality and sexuality. As being manly is required to complete basic training, women, androgynous men, and mathematicians will have their applications rejected immediately. This also applies to the Quebecois.
Upon joining The Canadian Military, a new recruit will be required to complete Basic Training. Basic training consists of instruction, physical training, and manly activities.
[edit] Instruction
Before beginning basic training, a recruit will be given a choice to specialize in one of a wealthy list of military subjects:
- Beaver Taming
- Weapons Training (How to correctly wield a hockey stick)
- Weapons Training (How to shoot a deadly hockey puck)
- Must learn to build a bomb shelter (igloo) in less than 3 minutes.
- Must learn to skate on all forms of terrain.
- Battle Canoo navigating.
- Camouflage Techniques (How to blend into the wilderness while wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs Jersey).
- Must learn advanced two way communications (Morris-code).
- Chemical and Biological weapons production (Using gas from moose farts)
[edit] Physical Training
Physical Training consists of a lot of walking, treading water, and push ups. Recruits of the Air division are required to complete four times as many push ups.
The Canadian Military encourages the use of variations of dodgeball for its divisional training. The most popular variation emulates the epic methods used during the War of 1812 to set the White House on fire. One recruit, commonly known as the 'falafel' ('wanker' in British variations), is pelted for hours. The rash caused by the pelting will eventually swell and catch fire. The falafel then has approximately seven seconds to run into the opposing team's side and induce mayhem. Generally, the falafel has rough skin to provide optimal friction.
[edit] Manly Activities
The manly activities in which Canadian Military troops take part provide them with smooth skin and prepare them for the epic fertilization of their wives. Manly activities takes will take up to 7 hours of a recruit's day, and generally consists of flexing, stretching, arm-wrestling, measuring, complimenting, comparing, stretching, flexing and in rare cases, hand-shaking.
[edit] Peacekeeping
Canada has traditionally had a good reputation for its role in international peacekeeping missions. For example, even though it only had one soldier at the time (the other four having been killed in the Korean War), he was able to facilitate an end to the Suez Crisis. Lester said, "So, like, what's the matter with you, Egypt? You're pissed about the canel, eh? ...so, England, what's your problem? Get your imperialist asses out of the Suez, you hosers!" England backed off; and the Canadian Military personnel received the Nobel Peace Prize, which Lester proudly had framed and sent to the Hockey Hall of Fame.
Canadians also had success preventing genocide in Rwanda. This time it was Canada's general Romeo who resolved the crisis. He said, "look folks, killing is wrong. And genocide is even worse. You could focus instead on love. Like I do with my girlfriend Juliet back in Montreal. She's a total babe, eh?" The Rwandans had to agree that making love to total babes was better than killing them, so they started shooting sperm instead of bullets.
[edit] NATO and NORAD
Canada is a member of the Newly Attacked Territory Occupiers and NO RADiation alliances. Canada supported NATO's role in the nation formerly known as Yugoslavia, and even participated in NATO'S involvement in Afghanistan. NORAD is the pacifist branch of the military, which organizes peace protests against itself, in hopes to prevent nuclear attacks. It is a kind of early-warning system: if the armed forces begins to notice a lot of peace activists demonstrating, it knows that there must be a war not too far away.
[edit] Afghanistan
Canadians have proudly taken on a dangerous role in the marijuana war against Afghanistan. They are responsible for defending the intersection of Helmand and Pashto.
Currently Mcpl Jacques and the other Bob are on a tour of duty while the others defend Canada's coasts (one each). In Kandahar, Mcpl Jacques defends Helmand and Pashto's northwest corner and the other Bob defends its southeast corner. Periodically they rotate in order to cover the southwest and northeast corners as well (though they prefer to avoid the southwest corner, which is occupied by a barber shop with a nasty barber - who in turn claims they are occupying his corner). The Canadians are very professional, however; for example, they have yet to leer at the body parts of any woman except for the eyes. (This refers to living women only. Canadian soldiers often get close-ups of body parts of the non-living.)
[edit] Canadian Military History
Canadian are known as the most fearsome soldiers on the planet. After singlehandedly winning both World Wars (because the Americans couldn't handle it) they decided to let other nations fight so they could feel "specialer". This is very impressive considering the low amount of soldiers and technology. Canadians never lose a war. The most famous battle was when the beaver singlehandedly killed all the Germans in WWI and then bit Hitler on the nose.
[edit] Weapons
Canadians realize that guns are completely useless to them. since there are only 5 soldiers in the military they decided to use hockey sticks and hockey pucks as there weapons. Even though Bob is Canada's best soldier in the military he has not killed anyone so far. HOWEVER it has been reported he slashed an American Soldier with a hockey stick 4 times leaving him with 2 bruises on his left leg. It is worth noting that he only received a 2-minute minor for the slashes.
[edit] If Canada were to be invaded...
As a result of semi-intelligent Frenchmen migrating from France to Quebec, it is believed by tacticians that the province of Quebec will put up little, but some, resistance to their new overlords. As for Toronto, Montreal, Vacnouver, and the other Canadian provinces, victory would achieved against the natives by simply charging throughout the countryside on a zamboni, particularly in Sasketchewan, as predicted by "Weird" Al Yankovic.
[edit] See Also
[edit] References
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 Canadian World Domination - Canada factsheet
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 Canadian Ally - Canadian Forces
- ↑ [1] - Expeditures
- ↑ Canadian Army - Endowment
- ↑ Canadian Airforce - Equipment
- ↑ Canadian invasion of Afghanistan cancel to repair crashed helicopter
- ↑ Mysterious helicopter engine fires blamed on crew being 'too' drunk
[edit] List of other countries USA hates
Categories: Canada | Military | Armies
