Canadians

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Canadians>MP3

Blame it on Canada We know those crazy canucks are somehow connected to this.

“I'd like to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave...with all five fingers...”

~ George Bush on Canadians.

“Où est la bibliothèque?”

~ A Canadian on Canadians, probably.(translation: where is the library

A Canadian anticipating his next beer

A Canadian is a French-speaking, English-speaking person who lives outside the northern boundaries of the United States, and southwest of Hans Island (if you are Danish - including Hans Island if you're Canadian). Etymologically, Canadian is a shortened form of Beer Can Ad, a reference to the many billboards dotting the Trans-Canada Highway. BeerCanAdians are now simply referred to as Canadians. Canadians are generally docile creatures. There has been talk about US citizens first naming the country Canada after speaking to some Canadians. At first the group of provinces were collectively known as CND, but in Canadian it's still spelled the same (C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?). This is only myth, however. Canadians are known to migrate all over the world and a great exaple of this is Gareth Ries he has been to many countries and to all Four courners of the globe.

“My Name is Joe and I AM CANADIAN!!”

~ Joe on being canadian

“Don't wanna be a Canadian Idiot, Don't wanna be some beer-swillin' hockey nut”

~ Weird Al Yankovic on being canadian

“I'm a talentless prick”

~ Canadians on Weird Al Yankovic

“Who's the beaver now?”

~ Canadians on Americans

[edit] Canadians, Preamble

Trudeau: Canadian for Sexy

People from Canada are Canadians. There is not much more to it than that. Go get a map, locate the USA and go north a bit. There. See that big country? That is Canada(a.k.a. America's Hat). People from there are Canadians. Canada is America's touque. And Alaska is Canada's stupid looking puff thingy on the top of the tuque.

“Beauty.”
 :~ John A. MacDonald on Canada

[edit] Really Early Origin

The very first Canadians, or Native Canadians, came to Canada thousands of years ago to get away from the perils of being warm^[1]. If someone not american, is a nice person who loves the outdoors, enjoys personal space and freedom then he is a CAnadian. Please then shake his hand and kiss it, for it is your honor to meet such a great person in the world. As you can tell from the previous statement, most Canadians seem to regard themselves as the top of the civilized world, despite having yet to discover such technological innovations as the porta-john or a sport that doesn't involve ice and heavy drinking.

[edit] Early Origin

Canadians, or Canadianus Beerbellius^[2], are the descendants of castaways of two pasty European nations, England and France.

Back in the day, England and France each had one problem: French people and English people, respectively. While their first solution to the problem (varying degrees of war with each other, themselves, and other countries) had successfully led to the death and mangling of untold thousands over the centuries, neither country had yet managed to annihilate the other.

A new solution had to be found. Great minds in both countries sat and pondered, eventually coming up with the brilliant ideas of more war and bigger war. These were tested on a small scale but proved unsatisfying, unsuccessful and unsomethingelse.

War, unfortunately, had two crippling disadvantages; dead people from war, and protests from the people who would end up as dead people in the next war.

A paint-by-numbers map of Canada. Note: #1 = white

A new new solution had to be found. Lesser minds from both countries sat and pondered, trying to figure out how to solve the dilemma. After many hours of boozing and whoring, they hit upon the solution; send the unhappy people away. This would minimize their annoying whining "on the home front" and if war came, as it inevitably would, the dead would not be around to stink up the place. They would instead stink up some other place. Preferably some place far away...and what place was farther away than Canada?

At that time, the region was populated primarily by natives of Canada, some of whom had wacky ideas like "democracy" and "letting chicks out of the house". The "old world" would soon put and end to that foolishness, yessiree!

Britain, unaware of France's plans, sent some of its people to the east coast of Canada. France, unaware of the plans of the English, sent some of its people to that very same coast. The east one. Of Canada.

...at the time, neither side suspected the hilarity that would ensue...

[edit] Later Early Origin

The occupants of the British part of Canada, known as Upper Canada, promptly started to annoy the occupants of the French part of Canada, known as Lower Canada, by loudly stomping around the second floor of the country in heavy-soled shoes. The French returned fire by partying and playing music at full blast on weeknights.

Meanwhile, the original natives of Canada, or godless savages, were glad to have these foreigners come over and take away their land by force or by stealth, as in exchange they got both marginalization and small plots of land, rather than the giant plot of land that they originally possessed. Eventually they also got more marginalization and their small plots of land were upgraded to be even smaller.

The British Canadians, or "White Trash", and the French Canadians, or "Quoi du Beurre"^[3], of course, eventually resorted to war. Soldiers die easy; old habits, however, die hard.

The victory of British forces at the Plains of Abraham was ensured once they had taken the picnic tables. This made up for the loss of their kite in the trees earlier in the battle.

[edit] A Concise History of the War Between the Canadians of Upper and Lower Canada

Britain won. France, not so much.

[edit] Ebony and Ivory^[4]

After the British (in Canada) defeated the French (also in Canada) at the Plains of Abraham^[5] they (the British, still in Canada) planned, plotted and connived to ensure that the remaining French citizens would never be unhappy again. In this, they were absolutely and totally successful.

[edit] Origin of the Modern Canadian

Britain eventually bored of beavers, trees, and beaver and tree related merchandise, selling the now unprofitable Canada to the residents thereof: Canadians. Then, following a couple of world wars and a decade called the 60's, the modern Canadian emerged.

[edit] Canadians, Finally

Canadians lead the world in silicone production.

After Britain sold Canada to the Canadians, people from a now independent Canada, known as Canadians, managed to stumble into the modern era of democracy, human rights and cable television without violence, for the most part^[6].

This means that the average Canadian has a profound dislike for war, especially any war that occurred after Korea as, at best, Canada was only peripherally involved.

After taking part in couple of world wars, known as World War I and World War II, however, Canadians are surprisingly good at blowing shit up. For this reason few countries mess with Canada, unless they have shit that needs to be blown up and lack the will or the resources to do so.

During the 1960s, the demographic of the average Canadian changed considerably. Before that time Canada almost exclusively imported white people, eventually buying people from as far east as eastern Europe when the UK and France ran out of people that they didn't need, and all of those were white, though less so than those from Canada's mother countries. In desperation, Hippies, during the 60's, changed from importing mostly from Europe to importing from all over the world.

This lead to the fact that a modern Canadian may occasionally have yellow, swarthy or brown skin, possibly topped off with a jaunty turban! Some Canadians aren't even (gasp!) Christians and about 1/6th have no religion at all.

Strangely, they seem to get along, for some unknown reason.

Rachel McAdams: 100% Grade-A Canadian female. She's dreamy. *swoon*

[edit] The Unknown Reason Why Canadians Get Along, Known!

America. Simple really. Both their proximity to Canada^[7] and the general American-ness of Americans have, from the very beginning, forced Canadians to huddle together. In addition, they huddle together for warmth.

And for sex.

However, that is beyond the scope of this article.

Essentially Canada has produced Canadians that are Canadian because if they were not they would be Americans. Canadians, like most people of nations that are not the USA, do not want to be Americans. In addition, like the citizens of most other nations, Canadians think that they are better than Americans, which is self evidently false.

Luckily, by focusing only on the worst stereotypes of America, via American films, television programs, and anecdotal stories about American tourists, Canadians have set the bar rather low for what it takes to be better than Americans.

Even more luckily, Americans have lowered the bar even further by consistently living down to the stereotype. Recently, for reasons unknown even to them, they've tilted the lowered bar to the right. See Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, et al, for excellent examples of this phenomenon.

[edit] Why the World Should Care About Canadians

Two words: porn, ography.

Canadians are known worldwide, but particularly in Canada, for their high quality, sexy, sexy adult films.

For an example of why you should care about Canadians, this page will now show a clip of an average Canadian porn film.

"Roll it!"

FILE NOT FOUND

"File not found? It was right here! Goddammit. I'll find it...crap...It's not here. I know, I'll get it off the interweb"

404 ERROR

"I must've typed it in wrong."

The requested URL could not be retrieved

"I'm sorry, you'll have to come back later. Go get a coffee or something. No, wait, I've got it."

*click!*

"Nuts!"

[edit] Habitat and Range

Canadians were successfully introduced on the island of Wannahockaluggy in 20X6 where they are now the dominant beer consumers, and somewhat less successfully on Anticosti Island in the Gulf of St. Petersburg, where they established macaroni-and-taco farms. Ten Canadians were also introduced in Czechoslovakia in '69, but they apparently died off due to general incompetence. Nevertheless, there have been reported sightings of Canadians and there is continuing speculation about the existence of Canadians in The underwater city of Atlantis.

[edit] Physical characteristics

[edit] Antlers

The male Canadian's antlers arise as cylindrical beams projecting on each side at right angles to the middle line of the skull, which after a short distance divide in a fork-like manner. The lower prong of this fork may be either simple, or divided into two or three tines, with some flattening. The antlers are useful for the carrying of beer cans in their plastic rings. The antlers are also used as dowsing rods to help the Canadians locate beer trapped beneath the ice that covers the vast majority of their habitat.

[edit] Gills

Canadians have also been known to be born with gills. Scientists speculated it is to prevent drowning if a Canadian were to pass out in his/her beer, but this was rebutted by the fact that Canadians do not feel the effects of alcohol.

[edit] Beer Cans

The male Canadian will drop its beer cans after mating season in order to conserve energy for the winter season. It will then regrow them in the spring. The beer cans take about three minutes to grow, making them one of the fastest growing brews in the world. The beer cans initially have a layer of aluminum, which will shed off once fully grown.

[edit] Coffee Cups

The average Canadian can be seen at all times either with, or heading to get some Tim Whoretons coffee. So close is the relationship between the canadian and his/her coffee, that scientists predict the evolution of biological hand-warmers and the ability to urinate without needing to open the fly.

Canadians that live in Toronto also known as Torontidiots hate Tim Whoretons because it reminds them of Canada. Since they hate Canada they drink even worse brands of coffee such as Second Nut and Startsucks. Both are all over Canada but they make all their money from Toronto. Other Canadians hate alternate brands to Tim Whoretons because when you rrrrrroll up the rim you don't get a please try again message.

[edit] Behavior and breeding

Miss Canada for 2006 & 2007

The Canadian male, moments before breeding shouting the common mating call: Nice shoes wanna fuck?

Although Canadians are generally timid, the males become very bold during the autumn breeding season; it is not uncommon for them to charge at moving trains. The females (sometimes referred to as cougars) utter a loud call, similar to the lowing of cattle, which can be heard from up to 3 km away. During breeding (the rut), males will compete for females by fighting with their beer cans and sneakers and by fierce clashing of macaroni-and-cheese dinners. They also fight with the newly introduced swordchucks. The Canadian male is noted for having irregularly large penises as well as high ejaculation volume, most likely a result of their early cross-breeding with the Canadian Moose.

As well as bellowing, the female Canadian emits a strong, odoriferous pheromone in order to attract a mate. She also secretes pheromones in her urine which lets the males know that she is waiting in a motel room in Toronto. Females may begin to breed at 15, but more usually 13 years of age.

The female gives birth to one or (occasionally) two Canadians at a time, in spring. The gestation period for a Canadian is about 216-240 days. Canadian babies grow very quickly, nourished by their mother's beer bottles, which are very high in poutine and other essental nutrients.

In North America, during the winter, Canadians may form loose aggregations in fairly sparse urban centers, which they keep open by trampling the snow. In the spring, Canadians can often be seen in drainage ditches at the side of roads, taking advantage of beer foam which has run off the road. These minerals replace electrolytes missing from their winter diet.

In North America, changes in land use patterns, mainly the clearing of northern forests for settlement and agriculture, have led to the range of the Canadian expanding northward. Where their ranges overlap, Canadians may become infected by parasites carried by the deer such as brain worm, Parelaphostrongylus tenuis, and winter ticks, Dermacentor albipictus, which, though fairly harmless to deer, can be fatal to Canadians, especially when mixed with maple syrup.

The lifespan of a Canadian in the wild is roughly 35 to 80 years, depending on how many hockey fights* he gets into.

• I have broadened the term to include not only actual HOCKEY FIGHTS, but also two guys at a bar fighting over a game, especially a Montreal-Toronto game.

[edit] Culture

Canadian rock art and cave paintings reveal that the Canadians have lived in Canada since about 1867.

In downtown Toronto one can still find trapping pits in use for hunting elk. These pits, which can measure up to 4 x 7 meters in width and be up to 2 meters deep, are camouflaged with branches and leaves in the middle of the major boulevards. They have steep sides lined with planks, making it impossible for an elk or motorbus to escape once it has fallen in. When Canadians trap a motorbus, they will eat it.

The first written description of the Canadian is in the DaVinci Code, where it is described thus:

"There are also animals which are called Canadians. The shape of these, and the varied color of their skins, is much like roes, but in size they surpass them a little and are destitute of horns, and have legs without joints and ligatures; nor do they lie down for the purpose of rest, nor, if they have been thrown down by any accident, can they raise or lift themselves up. Trees serve as beds to them; they lean themselves against them, and thus reclining only slightly, they take their rest. When they have leant upon them, according to their habit, they knock down by their weight the unsupported trees, and fall down themselves along with them. This is due to the beer they have consumed, hallelujah."

U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt was referring to the male Canadian's relentless behavior during breeding when he said "I am as horny as a Canuck."

[edit] Eh

Eh is a phrase unique to the Canadian dialect of Frenglish. It is a noun, adjective, verb, adverb, conjunction, innuendo, pick up line, curse, and onomatopoeia. It derives from the greek root "Ehuis" meaning penis or urethra.

Sadly Canadians don't speak American thus lack out on all the pleasures UH HUH can bring

[edit] Vehicle collisions and Canadian warning signs

A Canadian's body structure, with a large heavy body suspended on long spindly legs, makes these people particularly dangerous when hit by motor vehicles (skidoos). Such collisions are often fatal for both the Canadian and the motorist. This has led to the development of a vehicle test in Manitoba referred to as the "beer run."

In an advertising campaign the Swedish car manufacturer Volvo warned people of buying Japanese cars by stating "There are no Canadians to practice on in Japan."

Generally, upon impact the bumper of the car (skidoo) will break the Canadian's legs. The main body of the Canadian, along with a hail of beer cans, will then collide with the windshield, often with disastrous effect to both.

[edit] What are those Canadians (or Canadiens) doing in the Mall Parking Lot?

Canadians have been infected with something called "GST". This GST is an unusual political virus which causes them to pay an extra 5% for everything they buy in Canada. In addition to this dreadfull GST the lesser civilised parts of Canada (Quebec) are afflicted with a very similar disease called QST which leads them to pay 7.5% in addition to the dreaded 5%. Canadians have been observed leaving their country for shopping malls in the Buffalo, N.Y. area wearing old, threadbare clothing and footwear. Once they get to the malls they feverishly purchase several sets of shirts and pants and a new pair of shoes, and then frantically change into their new clothes in their Canadian Automobiles, possibly due to fever-like symptoms. They are then compelled, perhaps by the "GST" virus to throw their old clothes in a convenient nearby snowbank (of which there are many) and then compulsively lie to Customs when they eventually return back to their native Canada.

[edit] The Aboot" Issue

Canadians dont say aboot so anyone who thinks that can lick their mothers dusty vaginas

[edit] The Canadian in popular culture

• In Western culture, the Canadian is often depicted as laconic and good-natured but not terribly bright. Bullwinkle J. Moose of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, an animated Canadian news show, is the most famous example, although Rutt and Tuke (voiced by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas in a return to their MacKenzie Brothers roles) from the Disney release Brother Bear are also excellent examples.
• A Canadian for Jessica chronicles the 76-day 'relationship' between a Canadian man and a Hereford cow named Jessica in Shrewsbury, Vermont, USA.
• In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the opening credits are given mock-Swedish subtitles that quickly degenerate into vandalism, including such lines as "A Canadian once bit my sister" and "Mynd you, Canadian bites kan be pretty nastï".
• In poker, a loose or inexperienced player is often referred to as a Manitoban.
• The quest to see (and possibly catch) Canadians is a recurring theme in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Cheese Whiz.
• According to Invader Zim, what lies at the end of a wormhole is a Canadian.
• Some people might tell you that these references in fact refer to a moose. But we don't listen to them.
• To learn more about the warm hole please watch all of "The Invader Zim documentary".

This Link Has No Purpose Here...

[edit] Canadian Trivia

Trivia sections are are very true Canadain!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

• Most Canadians prefer to mate "doggy style" so no one misses the hockey game.
• A group of Canadians is called a "Gang" or "Herd", or occasionally when three get together a Rush.
• It is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a Canadian in Fairbanks, Alaska.
• The "Canadian test" is a test for vehicles doing rapid cornering, based on steering to avoid crashing into any mooses... moosei... moose... meese. Mooses. Whatever. This test was the embarrassing downfall of the Mercedes-Benz A-Class as the car rolled over and resulted in the A-Class being modified for better stability with a Canadian at the wheel.
• Margaret Trudeau has a map of Canada tattooed on her ass. When she sits down, Quebec separates.
• During the spring thaw, a Canadian can swim for up to two hours and as far as twelve miles.
• Tycho Brahe (1546-1601), a famous physicist and astronomer had a Canadian that every two minutes got drunk and fell down the stairs in his castle[1].
• They treat curling just like it's a real sport.
• The Band Plague Crawler are Canadian.
• Almost any word in the Canadian language (Not understandable by many) can be substituted for the english word Fuck.
• Canadians are perhaps the only nationality who wear clothing with their own countries flag when visiting other countries. Scholars have debated the reason for this oddity for years. It is likely this is because they are the only country most of the world desn't hate, mainly because citizens of other countries have never heard of them.
• Canucks are large 'down there'
• Newfoundlanders are embarrassed to be lumped in with Canadians, and apologize for any confusion their accents may account for. Often when you see a Newfoundlander with a Mainlander (typical Canadian), the Canadian will end up doing something that will embarrass the Newfoundlander for being seen in public with the nice but slow Canadian.

[edit] Footnotes

[edit] See Also

• ice hockey
• eskimos
• moose
• New Zealand
• mounties
• lumberjacks
• Geddy Lee
• Neil Peart

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'♣ Canada, eh? ♣

Home of the CBC, bacon, beer, Rodney McKay, cougars, killer moose, Mounties, colour, FLQ, hockey, Ice bowling, Peter North, Prime Ministers, Poutine, Trailer Park Boys, and people who, like, live in igloos, eh?, Caribou, ultimate Canadian power, We stand on guard for thee.

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