Cancer (beverage)
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[edit] Name
Cancer™ is a highly popular and regularly consumed beverage throughout the western world, with the famous catchphrase - "(it's) Always Cancer™". The name of the product was decided after it was first trialled in a number of small towns, and, due to most of the participants living unhealthily, caused them to develop heart failure, however, the Cancer-Cola® company deemed that such a name was not catchy enough, and thus opted for Cancer.
The success of the drink itself is largely attributed to the name, as the explosive 'K' sound of the word creates a lasting and memorable effect and the high visibility of the product in red cans (to reflect the image of a bleeding tumor) has all congregated to institutionalising the great tasting refreshment of Cancer™
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[edit] The Drink
Cancer™ itself has been stated to boast a highly unique flavour, mainly linked to its highly carcinogenic additives such as aspartame, several e-numbers, trace elements of cocaine, mercury, and a secret ingredient X.
Many have indeed speculated upon what ingredient X actually is, with many convinced that it may possible be Soylent Green or a substrate thereof, although from chemical analysis, it would seem that the actual ingredient is lysergic acid diethylamide as the drink did prove popular with the CIA in the early sixties as part of their MK-CANCER projects.
[edit] Modern Day
Currently, Cancer™ is a drink highly popularised and consumed by Children, with many American and British households stocking the two-litre party version of the sought-after beverage in their refrigerators.
The consumption of Cancer™ today has largely the same effects as it did at the point of its inception back in 1932, and is deemed capable of causing an unparalled number of malignant tumors if consumed in a large enough quantity, with some military jokes being passed around that suggest poisoning a city's water supply with concentrated Cancer™ syrup, although the effects that are believed to possibly arise from this are unproven.
[edit] Marketing and Slogans
Cancer™ has seen an evolution of its marketing over the years, and a number of popularised slogans have also accompanied this resultant transition, here are but a selection of their more recent quotes:
- (It's) Always Cancer™
- Final-Days are coming!
- Cancer™ - Always malignant!
- You wouldn't want one, you want Tu-mor!
[edit] Sponsorship
Currently, the Cancer-Cola® company distributes its Cancer™ worldwide, however, it also enjoys a large partnership with the U.S. Army and is pleged to supply all operatives of the US army in the field with a personal ration of Cancer™ and is something that the business has used to its advantage as a means of gaining approval of the general populace.
Cancer™ is also found in abundance in most hospitals, especially in childrens wards as this is reflective of the large amount of their market share, and naturally due to this popularity, they have recently been aiming at increasing the size of this audience.
[edit] Competition
The Cancer™ brand has also been under stiff competition from the secondary competing brand known as Lymfoama, although many individuals tend to agree that there is very little difference between the two, others bear an almost fanatical preference obsession to one or the other, however, general surveys suggest people prefer Cancer™ to Lymfoama.
[edit] Manufacturing Process
The Cancer-cola® company does not actually bottle their beverage themselves, and instead manufactures a syrup base of the product, and then distributes the Cancer™ syrup globally to bottlers who then add a varying mixture of sweetners and chemicals according to the tastes of that particular area of the world, hence the fact that fans of Cancer™ will find that they will experience varied forms of Cancer™ in different parts of the world.
[edit] Variations
As part of a promotional series, there have been a number of different variations of Cancer™ on the market, with different labelling; currently, Cancer™ with Lime is being marketed, and a Cancer™ with vanilla was also promoted earlier in the year, however it was eventually incorporated as a branched product due to its popularity.
[edit] The Product
Cancer™ in both its forms has a very long expiry date, sometimes lasting for up to five years before it has completely decayed, although when mixed, Cancer™ may not last quite as long due to various forms of destabilzation that it can undergo, however, it is widely stated that Cancer™ does indeed last for quite a significant amount of time.
[edit] Celebrity Sponsorship
As part of their global ad campaigning, Cancer-cola® have enlisted a number of celebrities throughout the ages as part of a programme to increase awareness, with their most significant deal being with Kylie Minogue who was onboard with the company for a number of months starting in May 2005 and was known for her aggressive promotion of Cancer™
Earlier in the decades, Babe Ruth had also been initially considered for a sign on at one point, however, this never happened for a variety of reasons, mainly attributed to dealing with agents which resulted in the allegation that Ruth never realised he had been approached to promote Cancer™.
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