Canvey Island

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“Canvey wasn't an island until I got involved!”

~ Chuck Norris on Canvey Island

[edit] Some History

Canvey Island is a small huge underwater Island known as Canvey where Rob lives, and he is cool. When it was renamed by Winston Churchill in 12BC to Canvey Island after being called Atlantis. There was huge controversy over why the name should be changed. There was a vote throughout the Island one wether it should be changed, all 2 people who took part ended in an even match so they flipped a coin instead. The result was tails, because it never fails!

It is older then me because it's been there for as long as I can remember. Since the Chav revolution in Basildon there has been slight, but not an overwhelming number of chavs going on holiday a whole 15 minutes away from Basildon. But people from Southend-On-Sea don't go Canvey because they got there own beach, innit.

After a particularly riotous Dr Feelgood gig in 1973 12 people were beaten to death with a shoe.

[edit] The Populationz

After the name was changed, several more people were shipped in from a random bus stop (because they don't have time for any trains) and they stood up in protest, after immeditely sitting back down gasping for air.

These people are known as the mormons and they can be seen walking the streets of the island with there hands in there pockets pretending its cold in the 30C Degree heat. There are lots of benches in Canvey, because the weight of the island wasn't even, with all the benches convienetly placed behind the 10-foot sea defence (leaving absolutely no view apart from the occasional cargo ship going past) and there loads and loads and loads of litter on the beach to even it out.

Canvey Island is a very nice place, people are really really kind and will walk past you without saying anything, and when they do its "caw yor fit ain't yah?" or "you startin' you startin' you startin'..."

[edit] Current Populations

• 105% Charity Shops
• 80% Chavs
• 40% Elderly
• 12% Other
• 9% Seaweed

The actual, real, proper population is hard to get, since it changes during seasons. Some days theres loads of people and others theres absolutely no one to be seen.

[edit] Benches Vs Seagulls

Since around 1997 there has been a war between the benches, and the seagulls. The Seagulls completely own the air, dropping down on the benches whenever they can after having a Nazi lunch of someones chips in a car park.

The benches line the coast, ready for fighting seagulls. But are defenceless because they have no red bull (no wings :( ). Leaving them all covered in shit.

[edit] Stuff

There are some amusement arcades along the seafront (even though all away around the island is really the sea front, even though it's on the thames, not the sea.) Which don't allow anyone under 18 for health and safety reasons. "Whenever theres something to be done on the island, it always goes to the sea front", say the 10 people who care. Because there aren't many people on the island itself, things take 10 times longer to complete, like a new bench. I once had a dog set on me in such a place for winning 2 pounds on the Millionaire Quiz Machine. This is a true story.

Theres a lot of traffic going on and off Canvey Island because people from Basildon "dun 'ave no fuckin' idear where the fuck tis" or they're driving off from the police. Theres a train track that goes RIGHT THROUGH the island! I know this, I have seen it, honest! But I can't find a station, because it doesn't have one. You can either drive onto the island through 1 of its many 2 crumbling roads or swim there.

There's been a lot of excitement on the island lately regarding the opening of a new slide.

[edit] Conclusion

Basically, when there are people in Canvey, they are either chavs or mormons. That's all you need to know. Don't bother washing your car etc because it's just totally pointless. A bus route would be good but it takes 30 minutes from ANYWHERE, even Scotland! But since the buses are 30 minutes long it takes ages to get to the back (like 30 minutes long!) and then all the way to the front at your stop (Yet ANOTHER 30 minutes!) it's not worth I tell yah mate. (see CAPSLOCK)

The chav revoloution no means that the largest market stool at canveys rather small market, is the fake burbary stool. The canvy chavs can't even afford the real chav make.