Cape Breton Island

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“Cape Breton? I had Fish n' Chips there once”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cape Bretonese gastronomy

A Map of Cape Breton.

“No, you had broccoli chowder, and it tasted a little sour. Remember?”

~ God on knowing everything

“Oh yeah.”

~ Oscar Wilde on remembering old souvenirs

“Gotta taste 'em all. One gigantic cornucopia of awesomeness!”

~ The Smartest Cape Bretoner Alive on Turkeys

Cape Breton is an island kingdom located in southeast Canada in northeastern Nova Scotia. It has approximately 3 million inhabitants and is ruled with an iron fist by the absolute monarch and dictator King Richard MacDonnellstein the First. It contains the cities of Glace Bay and Sydney as well as the town of New Waterford. Cape Breton is known for its strong economy, clean-living people, warm climate, excellent roads and superb softball team.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cape Breton Island.

1 Statistics
2 Climate
3 Attractions
4 Canso Causeway
5 Wildlife
6 Sports Teams
7 Nuclear Controversy
8 The Kingdom of Cape Breton and Manifest Destiny
9 Living Proof of Manifest Destiny
10 See Also
11 External Links

[edit] Statistics

A caped Breton, not to be confused with Cape Breton.

Population: 3 Million
Sources of Income: Mugging Mainlanders
Capital: Sydney
Largest City: Glace Bay
Scariest City: Sydney Mines (Seriously. No Joke they will put a cap in your ass.)
Perkiest City: Baddeck
Most Moral City: New Waterford
Least Moral City: Meat Cove
Head of State: King John Morganstein
Political System: The Liberal Conservative Communist Marijuana Party
Languages: Cape Bretonese, Franglais, Gaylick : Gaelic, and Mic Mac paddy whack give a dog a bone, this old man came rolling home then i came.
Cancer Rate: 6 in 2 people, even higher near the Tar Ponds and Lingan Power Plant
Unemployment Rate: Nearly everyone over 30 [108%]
President: George Jetson
Sexiest man on the Island: Jeff Joey

[edit] Climate

Hot and Arid. Cape Breton has a tropical desert climate. The average annual temperature is between 90 and 95 degrees fahrenheit (32-35 celcius). The only place on Cape Breton which has ever recorded snow is the peak of Kelly's Mt. which at 80000 feet is the tallest mountain in the world.

[edit] Attractions

Cape Breton has many wonderful attractions including:

Gick's - Wide variety of Bingo books!
Nick the Speedbump - Proudly can say he was hit by a car 16 times!
The Sydney Tar Ponds
That bridge down glacebay where homeless people live
Centre 200 which seats 200,000
The 500 storey Stream Tower in Glace Bay
Chippy the amazing drug addict
The Bottle Kidz!
The kid who likes Mudkipz.
Doctor. You Just Lost The Game.
The Five Star Gardiner Motel
The University of Crayons and Colouring Books
Meat Cove, known for their unique style of breeding
The Guildwood, where the minimum age to get in is puberty
Steel City, where the Lords of Kereoke come to play
Ol' Swivelhead
Banjo Pete
The David Dingwall International Airport, the largest airport in the Maritimes
The town of New Waterford known for its celibate teenagers who throw ice at Santa Claus
Kelly's Mountain, the tallest mountain in the world at 80,000 feet (25,000 metres)
Moxham Castle, the home of King John Morganstein
"Crusher" Boudreau's All-Acadian Pro Wrestling School, birthplace of the Expulsion Convulsion chokehold
The Lionel Richie Golf and Country Club on the Gardiner Express
Cape Breton Island's 4 Men In A Tub
Paramount Cape Breton Wonderland also known as the Bill Lynch Shows
Tar Ponds Black brewery in Sydney, Nova Scotia
Dominion Beach, the cleanest beach in the world
Mira River, the world's longest river
Sterling Mall, the world's largest mall
Fortress of Louisbourg,the largest military center east of the Pentagon
Two Rivers Wildlife Park, largest zoo in the world
Birch Grove Hotel and Casino
Ski Ben Eoin, world class ski resort
Ernie Fage international speedway
The Mysterious Ice demon who saved the everything in Florence
The Co-op - People claim to have seen Zeus, the God of Olympus, in the store, but nothing has been confirmed. Be careful while looking for hardware and paint. He is known for popping up in that area, and hitting people with lightning bolts, for no reason at all.
Sydney Shopping Center, Mall-rat watching at its best
Tim Hortons George St Sydney
Tim Hortons Charlotte St Sydney
Tim Hortons Prince St Sydney, Sydney Mall
Tim Hortons Victoria Rd Sydney
Tim Hortons Welton St Sydney
Tim Hortons Welton St Sydney (Yeah there is two of them)
Tim Hortons Kings Rd Sydney
Tim Hortons Keltic Dr Sydney
Tim Hortons Kings Rd Sydney (the second Kings Rd. Tim Hortons)
Tim Hortons Grand Lake Rd Sydney
Tim Hortons Grand Lake Rd Sydney (Needs/Ultramar)
Tim Hortons Grand Lake Rd Sydney (Mayflower Mall)
Tim Hortons Commercial St Glace Bay
Tim Hortons McKeen St Glace Bay
Tim Hortons Commercial St Dominion
Tim Hortons Sydney Rd Reserve Mines
Tim Hortons Blowers St North Sydney
Tim Hortons King St Florence
Tim Hortons Plummer Ave New Waterford
Tim Hortons Cabot Trail Rte 19 Cheticamp
Tim Hortons Reeves St Port Hawkesbury
Tim Hortons Reeves St Port Hawkesbury (the second Reeves St. Tim Hortons)
Tim Hortons Grenville St St. Peter's

[edit] Canso Causeway

Fuck off Mainlanders!

The Canso Causeway is a massive bridge-like structure ( 239847230948723094873 times larger than that Golden Gate) that links mainland Nova Scotia to Cape Breton. The bridge, made by mainlanders as a siege weapon. was won in the Battle of Sydney was won by Cape Bretonese militia.

One Gigantic Cornucopia of Awesomeness

[edit] Wildlife

Cape Bretonese Field Lobster

All of Cape Breton's wild animals are currently kept at the Two Rivers Animal Correctional Facility. This is a minimum-security facility, which will house the animals until they overcome their various pharmaceutical addictions.

Of the wildlife endemic to Cape Breton, perhaps the least known is the Cape Bretonese Field Lobster. These amorous crustaceans are seldom seen, but their mating calls, which sound similar to discharging shotguns, can often be heard on warm summer nights around the communities of New Waterford and Sydney Mines.

The sasquatch is another native to Cape Breton. Its habitat is limited to run-down shopping malls, however it can be difficult to spot as it blends in perfectly with its surroundings.

There have never been any skunks on Cape Breton Island, which has led some people to believe that maybe they know something we don't.

The dead rat above Ivan's Store! - a vicious creature that was man-handled by Hulk Hogan, himself (AKA-Jimmy Clark). "Hulk" wrestled it to the ground, kicked it a little bit, and then finished it off with the Immortal Leg Drop!!!

The Samsquantch - is a lot like its brother, the Sasquatch. Bubbles was the first to discover the wild beast. At one point, he thought it was the Samsquantch who was eating all of their dope, but later found out it was a wild cougar, Bubbles named: "Steve French". The gang got the "kitty" high as a kite and fed it Randy's greasy cheeseburgers. Its habitat was one of Ricky's old shitbox cars. The Samsquantch has many alias' like: Nova Scotian Big Foot, Matthew Shaw, and the Big Nasty!

Raycans - An illusive species closely related to the Raccoon. Known for stealing dope from trailers in Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Rarely seen on the Island.

Yellow Mustard Tiger - it's a predator who is attracted to only Yellow Mustard, supplied by your local Co-op. It's size is much larger than anything you could ever imagine. I had a close encounter one day. I was in the middle of English class, when I looked out of 2 story window to see the beast below, eating out of Kenneth the Janitor's garbage can. I assumed he was searching for some mustard, but the mystery still lives on.

[edit] Sports Teams

Cape Breton is home to various sports teams including the Cape Breton Shithawks who have won the Stanley Cup 98 times since 2001. Glace Bay also has a successful rugby team, the pillheads, who because of heavy abuse of prescription painkillers are unable to feel pain and are an unstoppable force on the field, and the New Waterford girls hockey team the New Waterford Virgins

[edit] Nuclear Controversy

Some protesting hippies.

In 1966, the U.N. voted unanimously that certain dumb-ass Cape Bretoner's shouldn't have a nuclear power plant. Cape Breton protested, arguing that it was Buck Einstein, of Meat Cove, who originally invented the atom, and as a result, nuclear energy. Despite UN Sanctions, the Lingan Nuclear Power Facility was in full operation. This spawned a number of stupid hippie wannabes to flock to Lingan and protest. They were later appeased when it was decided that fellow Meat Cove resident Homer Simpson would run the plant

Future plans may or may not involve North Korea.

[edit] The Kingdom of Cape Breton and Manifest Destiny

When the Honorable John Boutilier Cabot Trail first discovered The Royal Isle of Cape Breton 8000 years ago, a super raccoon named Bert flew out of a tree to greet him. John Boutilier Cabot Trail yanked out his laser and tried to vaporize Bert, however, unknowingly, the lazer was deflected and John Boutilier Cabot Trail inadvertently shot his own ship, destroying it as well as destroying his ticket off that pile of unpopulated rock.

Bert turned to John Boutilier Cabot Trail and said "Stupid human, don't you know you're the first to arrive at the Super Island which will one day dominate the globe? You're the first absolute king of the world's future."

Thus was created the Kingdom of Cape Breton with its first ruling monarch, the Honorable and Veneratable Sir John Boutilier Cabot Trail. Thenceforth, it was declared that Cape Breton would absorb the rest of the world politically, economically, culturally and maybe even linguistically; if we could convince those damned Mainlanders to start speaking the Mudder Tung, Gaylick or, to the layman, "Cape Bretonese".

Currently, The Royal Isle of Cape Breton's Kingdom stretches over vast regions, from the barren and inhospitable wastelands of Cheticamp with their desert dwellers in the West, to the sprawling metropolis known as Glace Bay with its cosmopolitan population and bustling economy in the East, from the South where the wooly sabre-toothed horses rule the land and keep foreigners out unless they have a special visa on the oily sands of of Sable Island, to the North and Meat Cove; a rare cultural and socio-historical glimpse into the past where the Barbarian Hordes of Atilla the Hun and the descendants of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble live and propagate.

At this year of 2007 A.D. or 8007 of Our Year of the Honorable John Boutilier Cabot Trail, Cape Breton is ruled by John Morgenstein and is poised to envelop the Mainland of Nova Scotia as its first decisive conquest before reaching out with its tentacles of influence to the rest of the world.

The idea of Manifest Destiny and The Cape Breton Kingdom's plot to absorb the rest of the world into its own sphere of domination is kept a secret among all Cape Bretoners. If you reveal to a Cape Bretoner that you, for sure, know about the secret, they will shoot lazers from their eyes to instantly vaporize you and your knowledge. All Cape Bretoners have been trained in advanced gorilla tactics and ready for hand to foot combat at all times. If your life has not been extinguished within 30 seconds of divulging the Cape Breton global domination plot, commandos dressed in pink ballerina suits (the Cape Breton Secret Police) will drop from the sky and mercilessly pinch you with plastic lobster claws mounted on the end of sticks.

[edit] Living Proof of Manifest Destiny

Unbeknowst to everyone, but the hordes from Cape Breton have made some progress in their plan to unite the entire world underneath the rule of Cape Breton.

It has come to this humble reporter's attention that, through smoking too much dope and farting too much, Cape Breton has already made great advances in their divine plot. Consider - government governs a country, but companies have a form of governance in countries which is different from governmental forces, yet sometimes wield significant power, culturally, economically, foodily, politically and some of those other adverbs I used above. Take, McDonald's - a Cape Breton idea, a Cape Breton company, a Cape Breton advance onto the rest of the world.

Cape Breton, well known for having more people named Ronald McDonald than anywhere else in the world at a stark rate of every 1 in 5, is the actual spawning point of the Ronald McDonald we all know and love. He was born in Sydney about 104 years ago to two drug addicts name Bert and Ernie. After birth, he was dumped into the tar ponds because Bert and Ernie were too busy getting their fix of Oxycotins, and thus he mutated into the red-haired albino he is today.

He grew up in the dumpster behind KFC at the Prince Street Plaza, or what it was called way back then, the Prince Street Street, and began yearning for something more when he realized he couldn't stand the taste of KFC anymore, or, to the layman, the Dirty Bird. Thus, he flew to America, the Land of Opportunity (cause Cape Breton was no such land back then) and created McDonald's restaurant, future processed beef emporium of the world.

Thus, realize that McDonald's in one form of Cape Breton's plot of global domination. It doesn't matter whether Ronald McDonald renounced his ties with his Mudder Land 69 years ago after getting caught making illicit phone calls to teen-agers and prank-calling alcoholics (a common Cape Breton pastime). It stand to reason that somewhere, deep down in that yellow clown suit, is a heart that beats to the same tune of the Cape Breton nation anthem " ... , uhm... " well, whatever our nation anthem is, I can't remember, I was too busy taking a piss in the snow while they played it last time. "We are an Island" or some other horse turds like that.

[edit] See Also

[edit] External Links

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