Capitalism
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“You know what Capitalism is? Getting fucked!”
~ Scarface on Capitalism
“Capitalism is a bad influence on our children!”
~ Bill Gates's mom on Capitalism
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Capitalism is a philosophy of punctuation. Capitalists are people who believe that all words should be capitalized, no matter what the situation.
For instance, the sentence:
- "This is a sentence."
would be written this way by a capitalist:
- "This Is MY Sentence."
This is, of course, ridiculous.
Some extreme forms of capitalism demand the capitalization of every letter within a word (THIS IS A SENTENCE). Such extreme capitalists are common on AOL, and frequently post to Usenet pushing their capitalist agenda.
Capitalism used to be opposed by Communism, which believes that all letters should be brought together as equals. Therefore, a communist would write the above sentence like this:
- "thisisasentence"
Unfortunately, this practice made Communist writing very hard to read, and eventually led to the movement's collapse in 1975.
However, with the advent of text messaging, a spin off of Communism, called Socialism sprang up. This doctrine stated that all letters should be socially equal, but not "together as one."
- "whats up man"
The above sentence is a very frequently used statement in the Socialist community.
Other forms of Socialism even require that their words be degraded, sometimes even to letters, and that their letters be degraded to numbers.
- "wut r u doin 4 lunch"
Socialism's main proponents include text messagers (they call themselves "txt msgrs") and instant messagers (they call themselves "imrs").
Contents |
[edit] Origin
"The microwaveable, cheese like food like product" which represents the highest ideas of Capitalism.
Capitalism derives its roots from the latin word "capital" meaning "head" and "ism" meaning "gooey, cheeselike substance." It was created by a group of men calling themselves the "justification league." Capitalism has been misunderstood by the left and right of the political spectrum: Capitalism's ultimate purpose is to allow those born into luxury to justify to themselves that they deserve it and to give those not born into luxury a life purpose to dismiss those creating wealth as 'oppressors'.
Capitalism is a system of economics that entails the rights of the elite to control the means of production and enslave the workers, with limited state control and judicially preserved property "rights." This system rewards those who create what the market is demanding, even if the market is demanding more videos of Tara Reid's deformed nipple slip or microwavable cheese products. Just kidding. You have to be a douchebag and a sellout willing to step on the meek to get anywhere. Some consider Tom Cruise, who isn't gay?!?!?!!?!(citation needed), to be a capitalist.
One of the remarkable aspects of Capitalism is how a great diversity of businesses are started and the massive number of them that fail miserably, yet how many morons keep believing that they will be millionaires at any moment through infomercials or cleverly placed classified advertisments.
Capitalism is generally opposed by people who feel a moral opposition to having to work. Most of these traitors are hippy college students who fellate Noam Chomsky and think Che Guevara is the guy from Rage Against the Machine. When mommy and daddy don't buy you a car, it is oppression upon the proletariat!
The pivotal text for understanding Capitalism is Adam Smith's "The Wealth of Nations", which outlined how capitalism would inevitably result in the rise of empires, the growth in free trade and the mysterious career of Alan Thicke. In the book, Smith also outlines the hidden costs of tariffs and taxes that limit national growth and how this would inevitably lead to reality television.
[edit] Before Capitalism
Prior to the advent of Capitalism, several other economic systems had been employed by the many anthropoligically stimulating civilizations of the ancient world. Such systems are easily distinguishable from Capitalism despite the fact that they were also primarily concerned with the problem of capital.
The primary difference between Capitalism and other economic systems is that other systems revolve around the institution of slavery-the practice of forcing individuals to work under threat of physical harm, or even death. In a capitalist society, however, individuals work voluntarily in order to avoid termination. Or death by starvation.
Should an individual choose to work, he or she is sometimes rewarded with the means to feed, clothe, and/or shelter him or herself. Usually however, not. In exceptional circumstances, individuals may also be assigned a physician. In most circumstances however, they become the butt of jokes of middle-class teenagers, who have just finished reading Ayn Rand's "Fountainhead" and think it a documentary.
[edit] General Capitalism
Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You then surrender your cows to the Germans.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
Korean Capitalism: You have two cows. You do not eat them because they are not dogs.
African Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them because they used to belong to white colonists. No one feeds them and they starve to death. Then you starve to death.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 1000 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. You invade Poland because your cows need "Lebensraum".
Dutch Capitalism: You have two cows, which you train to invest in the two cow market, and over the course of two years corner the entire thing into one giant evil Dutch Corporation. -[Amsterdam] Capitalism: You have to cows. What a fucking night.
Polish Capitalism: You have one Cow because the Russians stole one.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Swedish Capitalism. You have two cows. You let a farm boy milk them and promises that he will get one in the future. And then buy him a security helmet.
Cow Capitalism: Doesn't exist.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Russian Reversal Capitalism: Two cows have YOU!
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one to your left is kinda cute...
Brazilian Capitalism 2: You have two cows. They don't speak english or spanish, but leave to play soccer in Europe.
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Socialist Capitalism: You have two cows. They are both equally delicious.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let's make a hockey team, eh?
Mexican Capitalism: You had two cows but they left to go to America to pick lettuce and landscape rich people's yards, for a lot more money than a brain surgeon can make in Mexico.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Argentine Capitalism: You have two cows. You throw a barbecue.
Soviet Capitalism: You have two cows. Wait...did I say YOU have two cows? Haha, no. Comrade Stalin has two cows. Now off to the Gulag with you!
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Palestinian Capitalism: You start with two cows and raise them in a field of your own for thousands of years. Then some nice people come along with guns and a book that says that they own your land. They take your cows and force you off of your land.
Saudi Capitalism: You are obscenely rich from oil, and can buy all the cows you want and still have billions left over to fund Islamic terrorist organizations that slaughter non-Muslim cows everywhere.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Everyone waits in line for 3 hours to see them, and leaves totally unsatisfied.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
Apple Inc. Capitalism: You have two iCows who's milk you sell at an unnecessarily high price, and surprisingly people still buy it in record numbers due to aggressive advertising campaigns.
Xbox Capitalism: You have two cows. You mistake their udders for joysticks and get a faceful of milk trying to play videogames on them.
ebay Capitalism: You have two cows. The current bids are $16,000 for the Guernsey and $21,500 for the Holstein.
Brazilian Capitalism: you have two cows. One of them is stolen, so the government creates the CRPC, the Comission to Regularize the Possession of Cows. After that they inspect your home, and based on the cheese you eat, the milk you drink and the shoes you wear they conclude you have 200 cows, so they take the other one as tax.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. One is named Hillary, and the other has a suspicious stain on its coat.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FCC Capitalism: You make tons of money fining cow owners $500,000 for each instance of accidentally showing their cows' udders.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. Their digesting of grass and other plant material produces methane, a greenhouse gas. You kill them for the carbon offset.
Air America Capitalism: You have two bankrupt cows no one listens to.
New Zealand Capitalism: You have two cows. You wish they were sheep.
Fox News Capitalism: You have two cows. They give sour milk but you do nothing but rant about how the "liberal media" won't report the truth about your wonderful "cottage cheese".
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. You kill and gut them on suspicion they are carrying "weapons of milk destruction", but find none. You let Halliburton grind them up into hamburger and declare "Mission Accomplished".
Iranian Capitalism: You have two cows but vigorously deny the fact, even though you spend all your time bragging about how much cheese you are making.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
Catholic Capitalism: You have two cows. You believe they are eternally virgin. A geriatric celibate in Rome told you so.
Family Values Capitalism: You have two cows. You forbid them to marry as they are the same sex.
Zen Buddhist Capitalism: What is the sound of one cow milking?
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Oklahoma to spend the night with them.
Jehovah's Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.
Fred Thompson Capitalism: You continually have press conferences announcing that soon you will establish an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of buying two cows and using one as a trophy wife.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm. After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
Simpsons Capitalism: DON'T have a cow man.
Gay Capitalism: You have two bulls. They love to mount each other.
Lesbian/Feminist Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them both to hate Bulls, and the next generation of cows are pieces of bread.
Lars Ulrich Capitalism: You have two cows. You milk them and sell the milk for lots of money. You sue the fans of the cows for millions of dollars for "illegally" downloading the milk from the Internet.
Vegetarian Capitalism: You have two cows. You liberate them and try to sell soymilk instead, but because it tastes terrible and costs three times as much as real milk, you go bankrupt. You die from nutritional deficiencies.
Chronic Depressive Capitalism: You have two cows and Oh, what's the point?
Arizona Capitalism: You have two cows you have just sold in California so that you could but 10 cows in Arizona for a reasonable price and in 2 years you plan to sell the cows at a huge inflated price so you can go back to California and buy 3 cows. But The cow market bubble bursts and you are left with 10 worthless cows in the middle of the Desert.
Devin Cody Capitalism: You have two cows. They are white with black blotches. They eat grass. You eat chicken. They sleep. You sleep. They are pwned. You are pwned. They die. You die.
New York Capitalism: You have two cows. Stereotypes aside they have their problems but are in general happy and produce a fairly competitive amount of qualtiy milk.
Primitive Capitalism: You have two cows. Your neighbors have two cows. You enslave your neighbors and take their cows. Now you have four cows. You send your neighbors to invade the next town, giving you 32 cows. Soon, you own all the cows and all the people in England, and declare yourself king. After several hundred years, your heir frees the serfs, hires them to milk the cows, and charges them rent.
Guatemalan Capitalism: You have two cows. Use the milk money to get your political party on the gobernmenment and then change law so no one else can import/export/process/sell milk without paying 69% taxes.
Uncyclopedia.org Capitalism Article Capitalism: You have two cows. As they reproduce, they become less and less funny.
[edit] Modern Usage
Nowadays, capitalism is a philosophy of punctuation. Capitalists believe that every word of a sentence should be capitalized.
For instance, the sentence:
This is a sentence.
would be written this way by a capitalist:
ThiS iS a SeNTeNCe.
or this way by a Democrat:
This is a sentence, you.
or this way by Catz:
All your sentence are belong to us!
or this way by Yoda:
A sentence, this is, mmmm?
or this way by an Imperialist ACT score deletist:
I delete you and your sentence, filthy Yankee swine!
or in C++
std::cout <<"This is a sentence.";
or like this way by bokonon
This sentance is a pack of foma!
This is, of course, ridiculous.
SoMe EXTReaMe FoRMS oF CaPiTaLiSM ReQuiRe eVeRY LeTTeR of a SeNTeNCe To Be CaPiTaLiZeD (THIS IS A SENTENCE). Such extreme capitalists are common on AOL, and frequently post to Usenet pushing their capitalist agenda.
Capitalism used to be opposed by Communism, which believes that all letters should be brought together as equals. Therefore, a communist would write the above sentence like this:
thisisasentencewrittenbyacommunist
[edit] Hebrew origins
The old hebrew word "Capit" (כפית), means teaspoon. 64% of the Malasian hebrew speakers use Chop sticks instead. As everyone knows,Italians, Germans, and Irish, and especially Russians have huge cocks. They are so large it hurts to wear pants in a topless bar. Jews have big cocks at too, yet the writer of this paragraph just realized how fucking retarded this whole passage is. What were we talking about, capitalism? Oh yeah, it totally gets pwned...
[edit] Capitalism: A Continuing Story
For a period of time following the aforementioned collapse of Communism, capitalist societies were free from the problems created by other societies doing things differently with lesbians. However, starting in the mid-1990's, some academics from special education classes put forth the idea that some modifications might need to be made to the system.
Most of the proposed changes, such as Universal Health Care, were readily dismissed as pointless attempts at improving upon an already flawless system. However, a few proposals, such as tort reform, managed to gain widespread support among the educated masses. The sudden collapse of two prominent capitalist headquarters of the United States of America in 2001, combined with Don King's mathematically elegant proof that tort reform was in fact completely consistent with the current model, confirmed that no modifications need be made to Capitalism's current incarnation.
[edit] Benefits of Capitalism
- cake
- war
- beautiful people
- McDonalds
- EA
- Money
- Fat, evil wealthy overlords (such as Abraham Lincoln)
- Plasma screen TV's
- The breakdown of evil local comunities (see farmers; Indians; hippies; humanity)
- Michael Jackson
- Poverty
- Pope John Paul II
- Infinite Power
- WMD
[edit] Alternatives to Capitalism
Why Communism, of course! Come comrades, for we must remove the shackles placed upon the working man by the bourgeois Republicans so that we may live in harmony in the glorious workers paradise!
It should be duly noted by all of humanity that Capitalism is ultimately an injustice. The same applies to any other ludicrous and, ultimately, oppressive socio-politico-economic structure of state society/civilization; including but not limited to- capitalism, socialism, Main Page - nazism, fascism, capitalism, democracy/republicanism, feudalism, capitalism, aristocracy/monarchy, etc.
In short, there is no fundamentally viable alternative to capitalism within state-society, aside from communism, (Besides maybe whatever France has?) So start a tribe... you'll love it.
Or anarchists, who lead the path to wisdom. Abandon capitalism and you throw your chains from your shoulders. Onwards to a freedom so great that society can't help but collapse! Also, never trust anyone called an anarcho-capitalist. They are evil free-market goblins in disguise.
[edit] Enemies of Capitalism
- Holy Crap
- Godless Sodomites
- Angsty Teenagers
- Fidel Castro
- Hippies
- Those irksome poor people
- Heroin
- Your mom
- Linus Torvalds
- Hillary Clinton
- USA
- The Simpsons
- Mickey Mouse
- Mario aka Joseph Stalin
- The Hoff
- Japanokovinich
[edit] Critics
Holy Crap!
Throughout human history there were many important critics of capitalism, the most outspoken of them being Marx. One of his most famous statements on the failures of capitalism is: "capitalismisallwrong,man!itisinhumane,evilandkickkittensfornoreasonatall!". Many critics criticized Marx however, stating that "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU DO IT BETTER? BITCH!". To which Marx answered "iam!youjustdon'tnoticeit'cuzyoucan'tseethewayiamspeakingthewords". Marx's critics were baffled, but some years later a guy claimed he understood what he meant, so that he could become a dictator more easily and conquered Russia.
Marx also claimed that he would have supported capitalism, except he couldn't work out how to "get his bling on". Engels often pimped his ride for him. 'sup.
Holy Crap!
[edit] See also
- Marketing
- Natural Selection
- Darwin
- Darwin Award
- Gangster
- Gangsta
- Mafia
- Prostitution
- Prostitute
- Hooker
- Ayn Rand
- Neoliberalism
- Nietzche
- Nietzsche
- Satan
- Pigs
- Gay people
- Really big text
- Nike
- Adam first
