Captain America
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| This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Don't change a thing to change this. |
“That guy looks like me.â€
~ Captain Obvious on Captain America
Captain America was a superhero who fought for Lard-Clogged U.S. Citizens, Hamburgers (originally german but stolen as "american food"), and oil-hungry Republican entrepreneurs who enslave the working class. Like most American ideology, he compensates for his statistically small genitals by bulking up on physical prowess and beating up on weaker opponents. Should no weak opponent exist, he will simply begin a smear campaign to create one. Should he loose his confrontation, in typical American style he will simply claim a victory, photo shop some evidence, and strong arm the media into reporting his version of events. Oh yeah there was some shit about for truth, justice, and the American Way thrown in there but he really didn't care for much of that. Devoting his entire life to eradicating non-conformists and making the world safe for rampant American Imperialism and capitalist pigs. He also liked tacos, but only the greasy, lard-injected tacos made in America, not the tasty ones made in Mexico; despite he is a Mexican, he received the "Super Soldier" formula (one kind of weed that gave him superpowers) that make him a white, blond, super strong man. He is considered by many to be the lamest superhero ever, unlike the most bad-ass superhero ever, Ultra Jesus.
He used to have a gay sidekick called Bucky, but he killed him when he discovered he was a Communist.
His love of homo-erotic porn lead to his retirement in 1997. Unknown to everyone but his underage male prostitutes, his shield was originally for covering up his erections, which even with his grossly under-sized genitals was obvious in his tights. For Captain America erections were common while hanging out with other less gay super heroes. At first, he told them he was just thinking about beating up minorities. Earlier, most super heroes wore more sensible outfits, until Captain America convinced them to don the uber-fruity spandex and leotards by telling them it would help intimidate their foes. Some of his peers became suspicious of his motives when he was frequently seen holding his shield, while both of his hands were precariously free for other activities. He learned to distract their suspicions by farting the alphabet, talking about reruns of unintelligent American sitcoms, competitive eating and manufacturing sub-standard products...all things people expect from Americans.
Anyway, it was ironic that Captain America, who defended greasy foods and fat overfed Americans himself became a fat-clogged slob like the people he defended. It was said that at the height of his weight he rivaled Marlon Brando and Big Pun, weighing in at an astounding 450 lbs. This of course also made him a much easier target for when he was assassinated.
He hates those damn Mangas, skinny foreigners, comic books coming from that communist country United States Of America, Al Gore (who stood against the oil hungry companies Americans love and die for) and anyone else who stood in the way of American Self-righteous douchebag "Liberating". He only likes the Marvel comics that come from Hell.
Captain America is a Neocon who loves Chinese strippers with crabs and he is awkwardly related to Falcon which is a superhero in his own SPECIAL way. Captain America his birth name was Captain Asia but when the Polish cavemen took over the Indians in America he came over and changed his name since the name Captain Asia wasn't appropriate for his job being a banker in the USA. Shortly after retiring from being a superhero he was assassinated in a terrible way.
[edit] Death of a Hero
While walking out of a courthouse, he was sniped by some drunk guy on a bet. After defeating Nazi's, Communists, terrorists, democrats and homosexuals, some booze hound with a piece finally spelled the end for our Brave Captain. Not only was the mundane manner of his death appalling, the media reaction was even worse! When Superman was killed a few years back in a cheap publicity stunt and Batman got his back broken by Bane, everyone was up in arms. It made news headlines that great heroes had fallen. Yet when Captain America, the most xenophobically patriotic super hero of them all goes down, nothing! Total media silence! Some cynics will tell you this is becaue everyone is so jaded on super hero deaths getting ret conned so they come back to life that nobody cares anymore, as the captain will get brought back to life/time travel will make it have not happened/he will get cloned etc. But dont listen to these lies! It is all a big liberal media conspiracy to undermine a truly great American who fought for freedom to silence protestors, protecting innocent governments from scrutiny from the evil public and over throwing villianous South American democracies to replace them with noble, friendly dictatorships.
However, the mystery still remains as to why Captain America's shield did not block the bullet. One theory is that the 450 lb. Captain simply could not hide the bulk of his lardy body behind a small shield, and in fact a skyscraper would have to be in front of him for anyone to miss him. Another is that the bullet actually entered from the rear, which Captain America never shields as he is constantly hoping something will enter from the rear. This is moot, however, as the Captain is dead and Stephen Colbert is the new owner of his shield, which in an ironic twist, he uses to shield his rear because he's tired of being John Stewart's bitch. Colbert used it to become the notorious supervillain defender of the Republican Party, "Captain Colbert".
The whole shooting was retconed into Crossbones shooting Captain America with a sniper rifle for the Red Skull, with Captain America's ex-girlfriend Sharon Carter (Daughter of Jimmy Carter and sister of Amy Carter) aka Agent 13 who finished him off with a 9mm auto pistol to the chest because she was schizophrenic and also pregnant with Captain America's baby, who one day will grow up to be Captain America Junior. So I hope that lays to rest any fears that the events surrounding his death might become meaningless!
[edit] The New Captain America
Tony Stark got the last will and testament of Captain America from his lawyer. It said to keep the dream alive. So he contacted Bucky, Captain America's side-kick from World War II that was supposed to be dead, but was retconed into The Winter Soldier after Russians rescued him from the arctic circle and unfroze him, brainwashed him to become a Communist, and gave him a bionic arm like Cable the Larry Guy and an assault rifle. Tony Stark undid the Communist brainwashing by giving him Neocon brainwashing and thus Bucky became the new Captain America, only now with more guns and more fascist than ever before.
The new Captain America claims that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are too left-wing for him. He is friends with The Punisher and a lifetime member of the NRA. Instead of arresting criminals, he instead shoots them in the head, to make sure they don't break out of jail and commit more crimes.
[edit] Are YOU an Enemy of Captain America?
Captain America has fought many enemies, but would you be one of them? Read the following statement to find out for sure.
"I consider it a grave dishonour that American Troops were at the centre of torture at Abu Graib prison. I was on holiday at Euro disney when I heard, and I spat out my French Fries in disgust!"
Now, compare you reaction to that statement with the following to find out where you rank in the Captain America Hall of Hate-
a) That statement seemed reasonable. A lot of people were very upset when they heard about that. I know I was.
Result- You are a sworn enemy of the Captain! Your hatred for freedom knows no bounds! Possibly you are the Red Skull, or at least Captain Libiya! One of these days, you are going to get a shield up side yo head!
b) I dont agree with that at all! What happened at that prison was no worse then a harmless colledge prank. Besides, they were all terrorists who had it coming anyway!
Result- Okay citizen, you are free to go, but be careful of these types of left wing lies in the future. Keep reading Conservapedia, watching Glenn Beck and voting Republican and you should be okay.
c)What the hell was with all the British spellings? Honour? Centre? WTF?!?! Did Thomas Jefferson die for nothing? And why the hell are you calling them French Fries? They are Freedom Fries, you frog lover! And Eurodisney? EURODISNEY?!?!?!?
Result- Captain America is looking for a new side kick right now. Interested? Please email a 1000 word essay on the wonders of Joy Jell and email it to captainamerica@marvelcomics.com, entries are limited to boys and girls aged 12 to 17 only. No adults, please. Only children with open minds and a conservative view on politics will be accepted.
| Preceded by: Legendary Dude | Protector of the American Way 1980 - 1983 | Succeeded by: Captain Marvel |
 | People named "Captain" |
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America - Archer - Arrogant - Beefheart - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - Exaggeration - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Harkness - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Jet - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Ultra - Understatement |
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| Superheroes and heroines | Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - Black Cat - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - Iron Man - The Punisher - Conan the Barbarian - Ghost Rider - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel |
| Supervillains | Venom - Dr. Doom - Emperor Galactus of the World and Universe - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - Fred Phelps - Venom - Dr. Octopus |
| X-Men | Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy |
| Salacious Six | Sr. Tentacles - The Grand Mysterious R2-D2 Recolor - The Wang - Steve Irwin - Sabertooth |
| Other teams | The Revengers - The Fantastic Four - The Omnipotent Seven |
