Captain complicate
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Tired of quick, easy meetings?
Have boring, drama free engagements with your friends?
Do you long to experience the gut-wrenching, wrist slitting, poke your own eye out with a stick feeling that you get each time you visit the DMV?
Just like a chia pet, simply expose Captain Complicate to any environment and he'll f*ck things up.
Contents |
[edit] Experiences from Our Satisfied Clients
“When I was initially finished, War and Peace was two sentences long. Now thanks to Captain Complicate you can actually beat a horse to death with my book!”
~ Leo Tolstoy on Captain Complicate
“Our short film about a sinking boat was made into a glorious, train wreck of a love story, complete with a sappy as crap, who ran over my puppy, ending thus insuring millions of women would drag their men to it who secretly drank Jack Daniels straight for 4 hours in order to survive.”
~ James Cameron and Jack Daniels on Captain Complicate
“My relationship with Jerry was great. He's a nice guy that I could really see spending time with. That's why I chose Captain Complicate to sabotage our perfect normal relationship. After 2 weeks of "you hate me because I'm better than you", "am I fat", "why would anyone ever watch MASH", "don't you think that Titanic was the greatest movie ever? I want Leo Di Caprio's babies" and accidentally 5 times in a row forgetting to pay the cable bill so that he couldn't watch ESPN, our relationship was as rocky as a trip over Dolly Parton's bosom on a 5 foot row boat in a hurricane. Thanks Captain Complicate.”
~ Every woman Jerry has dated on Captain Complicate
[edit] Other Significant Historical Achievements
Captain Complicate first galloped his giraffe onto the scene in December 2004 by touring Southeast Asia. On the morning of December 26, 2004, on the island of Sumatra, as his powers had until now been unknown, he was challenged by several other super heros, notably Mayor McCheese, who fiercely questioned his captain status and unearned noteriety. Incensed, Captain Complicate and his giraffe swelled to the size of the Pluto and attempted to blues dance with Oprah. This set off a magnitude 9 quake, a tsunami resulted, and the majority of Southeast Asia flooded.
For the next two years, Captain Complicate remained in exile and his powers were largely forgotten until July 2006 when he surfaced in Israel. In desperation and out of fear of Complicate's Southeast Asia tour, the nation of Lebanon attempted to rid the region of Complicate, bombarding the Israeli border with Katyusha rockets for two months.
Unsatisfied and wanting to expand the geographical impact of his super hero status, the world encountered Captain Complicate again when he arrived in Venezuela to advise Hugo Chavez over New Year's 2007. Chavez fully credits Complicate's powers for his interpretations of Venuzuela's constitution. Upon returning from Venezuela, the Captain published a lengthy memoir and awarded coveted stars to those who could pass a lengthy exam regarding the memoir. It was during this examination period that the author first became acquainted with Captain Complicate.
Captain Complicate can often be seen lassoing koala bears on I-405 near LAX while chasing his trusty sidekick, Seargant Confusion.
Act now and you can have Captain Complicate at your next party, gathering or alone time drinking in the closet deciding if it's wise to drunk dial your ex. Operators are standing by.
[edit] Recent Events
Halloween 2006. Captain Complicate attempts to disguise himself as Dirty Sanchez to avoid assassination in the Castro District of San Francisco. Violence breaks out upon his discovery.
[edit] Current Events
February 20, 2007: Captain Complicate seen at Mardi Gras. Giraffe too drunk to gallop. Captain Complicate too drunk to mount giraffe. Captain Complicate promoted momentarily to Colonel Complicate of the New Orleans Police Department. Crime rises sharply as police speed throughout city with lights flashing attempting to persuade the remaining 10 residents, 40,000 LSU students, 100,000 frat boys, and 55,000 lonely, digital-camera laden bachelors that there is not a crime problem in New Orleans.
[edit] Upcoming Events
Word on the street is that Captain Complicate may attempt to disguise himself as Ronald McDonald during the Urban Iditarod in San Francisco, March 2007.
April 2008: Captain Complicate to travel to Nepal and India. Locals start "celebrations" early in anticipation. Advise wearing bullet proof vests. Lock your children indoors. Seek high ground. Invest in gold bullion. Don't tell your significant other.
