Cap'n Crunch

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Captain Horatio Magellan Figaro Crunch (born "Horshak Khrunč II", after his wookie Mother) is, without a doubt, the most feared pirate in all of naval history. Sometimes confused with other noted buccaneers such as Your Mom, Benny the Tulip, John Draper, McFall and Mark Twain, this is due mostly to these lesser swashbucklers taking credit for Crunch's exploits that were overheard in many a dockside whorehouse.

He is a known terror to all Seven Seas, most of the oceans, a few rivers, and even a couple of log flume rides. Skilled in the use of both cutlass and pistol, as well as breakfast cereal, few privateers would even think to tangle with the Captain of the S.S. Guppy these days, especially after Crunch's last rival, Jean LaFoote, was marooned on a Soggie infested island with pistol, powder and only one shot.

Contrary to popular belief, Cap'n Crunch is not a real captain, but actually one rank lower, at Cap'n, which should be pronounced /kapmmm/.

[edit] Lineage of The Family Crunch

Captain Crunch is the fourth in a surprisingly short line of Crunches:

[edit] Ivan

Ivan at age 10.

Commodore Ivan "the Awful" Melville Crunch, Horatio's great grandfather, had also pursued a career in the navy, despite having been born considerably before the advent of military rank nomenclature (a fact which many regard as the sole reason he was even able to attain his rank). Commodore Crunch is equally so famous for his discovery of the Cupric Isles near Great Breton as he is for going stark raving mad when he found out the next naval rank in line is "Rear Admiral" and having himself executed (even though he himself invented the title). The Commodore married a small flock of geese named (by Crunch himself) Beatrice, and wrought two children joined at the collarbone.

[edit] Walther

Walther P. P. Khrunč was born in Slobovja (as it was internationally known; the local name was, approximately, and properly conjugated, Shlobizihoayfajesobaelasmnikjiknilliwili), the favourite vacation spot of his bat shit crazy father and migratory mothers. Walther preferred to be referred to in the singular form, citing that it made him feel "meta-manly", and combined his/their first names, Pokeij and Psychodrawl, and collectively took on that most Slobovyean of names, "Walther". His father, though he loved his son, was quite illiterate, sad to tell, and only got by by spelling words using the fragments of thousands of languages his puny brain could store, thus resulting in the creation of the ethnic Slobovyean language, and the peculiar spelling of his son's last name. He lived his quiet, pointless life in his native Slobovja, until it ended in its 55th year, making him the shortest-living Crunch (and longest lived Khrunč). He was survived by his only daughter.

[edit] Horshak

Horshak The Dastardly Khrunč ("The" and "Dastardly" were her true middle names, given to her by her father after his two best friends, The Noid and Dick Dastardly) was among the first to flee Slobovja following the nation's infamous wave of boredom caused by the advent of Philip Glass. With her father dead and her grandmother south for the winter, little (sic) Horshak decided to take up her grandfather's profession, getting drunk and waking up on the beach. Sadly, Horshak proved too large to effectively become intoxicated, and spent her whole life cruising the world's pubs, robbing the defenseless and taking anything not nailed down to feed her habits. During her voyages, she learned how to read and write from looking at beer bottle labels and wine lists, and became learned enough to correct her grandfather's clumsy misspelling of her family name. She eventually lost her life attempting to steal a large girder connected to a retaining wall, which was, unfortunately for Horshak, not nailed down, and was crushed under the collapsing weight of the Crunchberry Island See-and-Touch Museum of Great Mistakes in Engineering. This also earned her the nickname, 'Horshak The Dastardly "Girder Burglar" Crunch'. She was survived by a mad hatter and their illegitimate son, Horshak II; apparently Horshak the Elder was unaware of gender specific naming conventions (though, this point is rendered moot in that "Horshak" is a male name anyway) of the Crunchberry Isles. His mercury-basted father later re-christened him "Horatio", after his favourite hornblower.

[edit] Early Childhood

Captains cousin holio one of the captains lizard holders.

He was born in 1627 on one of the Crunchberry Islands (so named in honour of Commodore Ivan Crunch, discoverer of the archipelago). Young Horatio developed a love of the sea early on, owing, perhaps to his ancestor's love of the sea and cruising, to the point where later in his life Crunch would refuse to set foot on land altogether, instead navigating his vessel through a city's busy streets to reach his destinations. Horatio abandoned his Crunchberry homeland at the tender young age of 15 due to the Crunchberry famine of 1652. Crunch made his way in a rubber tire, floating aimlessly until he was picked up by a pirate crew. They made him a cabin boy because of his adorable hat. Eventually Horatio and the pirate crew floated onto the near helpless Island of catan. The then cabin boy Horatio led the famous Horatio's Charge at Fort Teuber. This only led to them getting their asses beat by Teubers Knights. Disgraced by this defeat; he then abandoned this crew, again floating off in a rubber tire. He went to the navy yards located in New York, where the Justice Department issued him his middle names, "Magellan" and "Figaro", for some (or perhaps no) reason, then had the Coast Guard immediately deport him to Haiti...for another unknown reason. Undaunted, Horatio set sail on another rubber tire for America one year later, and arrived just in time to be conscripted into the American Navy for the War of 1812.

[edit] Early Naval Career

A unique characteristic of the Cap'n is that his eyebrows are actually located OUTSIDE his hat.

Recognized early on for his expert seamanship, good grasp of tactics, and utterly barbaric ruthlessness, Crunch rose quickly through the ranks, earning the rank of Captain and his own ship by his third week of military service. Hoewever, he was demoted to Petty Officer after asking his female crewmates to touch his "Crunchberries". After the his sexual harassment trial however, he was released and his rank of Captain was restored. Over the course of the war he was awarded every medal one could receive for killing people over water, but soon grew discontent with how he felt maritime law was limiting the amount of war crimes and atrocities he could freely commit. Dedicating himself to fighting the war on his own terms, Crunch had 4 officials executed whom he had suspected of being spies for the Viet Cong. While this did result in the immediate surrender of France ( who were never actually involved in the War of 1812 to begin with ), it also royally ticked off the Top Brass, who felt Crunch's methods had become... unsound. Unfortunately, by the time formal charges could be brought against him, Cap'n Crunch was long gone.UYKVMEEIOWUTGJ. He then got a job in the navy and fought in WW2. It is a fact that he killed Hitler Himself.

[edit] Early Pirate Career

Crunch took to pirating the way a fish takes to sand. He first served on the schooner "The Jolly Bastard" under the command of pirate Captain Cluster Fuck. He later took command when Captain Cluster Fuck was mauled to death by an evil Man-Bear-Pig during a standoff with the British Royal Navy. Since these early days, while free of any enforceable rules of constraint, Cap'n Crunch has performed innumerable acts of plundering, murder, rape, kidnapping, smuggling, ravaging, slave trading, rum running, donkey punching and copyright infringement. Authorities managed to capture Crunch and sink his vessel on numerous occasions, yet somehow Crunch has always managed to escape and steal a new boat ( which he always rechristens S.S. Guppy ). This knack for coming out on top regardless of the opposition's efforts have led to Crunch's crew's often use of the phrase You and the Cap'N make it happen which generally annoys port authorities to no end.He then found Tom Cruise who also hated the saying, and later became Lopeliokijutwhich he later legally changed to Jean Lafoote.

[edit] Modern Pirate Career

“Your bones will stay crunchy, even when soaked in blood!”
:~ Cap'n Crunch on a killing spree!

A crackdown on Kellogg mascot piracy during the 19th century, closing down such noted pirate harbors as Boston and Kansas City, left Crunch hurting for easy plunder and crew members. Shortly after a disastrous raid on Botany Bay, the Cap'n, by pure luck, discovered that adding certain berries from his home isles to the mouth scraping hardtack he normally fed his crew made it palatable to children. Crunch soon distilled this into a process he called "crunch-a-tizing", which is to this day still used to solve his recruitment problems, and supply himself with an easily sellable cargo. Cap'n Crunch is now involved with software piracy. Crunch has also recently been on trial for breaking and entering into small childrens' homes with his warship, the "Bum Rusher", and force-feeding him his "cereal" which goes great with "milk". Crunch's trial reached all the way to the Supreme Court, and was soon overturned because of lack of caring. His trial, however, was said to be rivaled with DeVon "Kool-Aid Man" Jefferson's trial.

[edit] Post Modern Pirate Career

Now pushing at least 230, Cap'n Crunch's criminal goings on have become less frequent, though he'll still ship a hull full of abducted children to South America every now and then. Many wonder at his Santa like longevity, and it is generally speculated that he has either become undead using the voodoo he learned in Haiti or that Crunch regularly appeases Poseidon with sacrifices of sugar addled babies. During this period he defeated Napoleon W. Bonaparte´s Fleet of Allied Nations at the Battle of Trafalgar, which was the second greatest naval battle in history wherein Cap'n Crunch, leading the British fleet, crushed the allied fleets of France, Netherlands, Sweden and Ukraine at the same time by stroking his mustache for 15 seconds.

[edit] Scurrrrrrrrrrvy and the Lost Cocoa Island

Due to a terrible shortage of Crunch Berries, the pirates "missed" their fruity taste, and then Captain Crunch was convinced they had scurvy (not claiming that Crunch Berries did not have any and will never have any nutritional value, and thus, are not able to cure scurvy). Because of the psychological toll this took on Crunch's brain, he also acted like he had scurvy, even though there was a shitload (and I mean a shitload) of oranges in the bottom deck, which Captain Crunch refused to look for because he claimed, "Arr, 'tis the scurvy." So because of this, Crunch decided to look for a make-believe landmass blooming with Crunch-berry-licious tasting crap, I mean, uh, "fruits". In fact, I also mean, uh, "crap". To do this, they would first have to sail directly into a hurricane, ask some pirates "So, how big are your nut sacks?" and then run around with an emptied plastic bag around your head while screaming "DAMN ASS VAGINA INSERTION DILDO!" This, however, was not the height of Crunch's madness, as he later decided to actually make an undertaking of his idiotic plan.

So, under Crunch's "supervision" (actually a session of masturbating to a "Senior Ladies" porn magazine and telling various knock-knock jokes), Crunch and his crew sailed directly into The Hurricane, asked some pilates "Zoë, now figure what your gut lacks!" and then ran around with elastic rags on their heads, screaming "DENNIS VIRGINIA DISPERSION DILL DOUGH!" the entire time. (Experts of that era have produced many theories on the effects of The Hurricane on Crunch's crew's ability to hear and speak.)

Note that, if anyone attempts this, they will end up in New Zealand, which is exactly where they ended up. when they landed there, Cap'n Crunch ran off the boat, started eating the sand, and insisted his crew members join him to cure their scurvy. After that, he grabbed a loadful of the New Zealand sand, and packaged it a "Chocolate Crunch-Berries".

[edit] Crrrrrrunchitize me, Captain!

Crunch devised a way to keep kids from smiling and reporting him to the Coast Guards. He figured there was a way to do this by feeding each of them a Scotch bonnet chili pepper, making them smoke a cocaine-laced marijuana cig, and then turning them into helpless, defenseless, mutilated, crippled, impaired, demoralized, humiliated, beside themselves, brain-dead, liberal cartoons.

He would then force them to ride down an oil-greased slide, while laughing all the way with hidden AK-47s at their faces. Later, he'd have his first mate stuff mulligan stew into their mouths until they puked.

Crunchitization is also known as the captain sneaking into children's rooms while they are sleeping with his big boat and taking them with him promising a forever/magical voyage on his "crunch-time boat." But in reality the captain was actually kidnapping these children in the event that he would get a hefty ransom for the misdeed. However, the captain didn't understand economic status and always took the children from third world countries (because they had the lowest security to watch for their children), resulting in keeping the children locked in his little rooms and only being fed 1 crunchberry every 6 hours.

Crunchitization is still a major problem today and police have yet to have found the sick captain or the lost children.

[edit] The feared crunchatizing technique, feared by EVERY pirate

We all know of the "Crunchatize" technique; we all think it is just the magic word to turn kids into cereal. WRONG! It is actually Cap'n. S. Crunche's special finisher, "The Crunchatazmagorium Deluxe". To explain what it is in as few words as possible, in time of mutiny or attack, Cap'n Crunche would come from his cabin, hop to the other ship, find that ship's captain, put him up against a wall, and repeatedly hit that captain's spinal column until the spine shattered. Crunche then would take the corpse, show it to the crew, and scream the words "YARRRR, CRUNCHATIZE THIS!!!" and then throw it onto the ship's deck. If this didn't work, Crunche had practiced the art of sword fighting, and many times he would jump on deck and murder as many as 39 men at once. The first captain to suffer this fate was a man named "Cap'n Johnny Blahnik". A respected pirate of the seven seas, captain of the ship "Balooga Fisher". Unknowing of the brutality of Cap'n Crunche, Blahnik went after him because of his small stature. Crunche took Blahnik against a wall and, predictably, pulverized his spine. This move was unnamed at the time, so after word got out to all of the other pirates, the technique was officially known as "Crunchatization". Crunche taught his move to his predecessor, Reuben Glaeser, who went on to become the most feared pirate on the seven seas after Crunche's death. Sadly, the heyday of Glaeser was when piracy stopped, and the exact Crunchatization technique was lost forever. We all know of the spine smashing, but we also know Crunche had a special maneuver that made the pain far more intense and drawn out. DNA tests have been taken on his body, but nothing happened, because, really, what is DNA going to do for you?

[edit] Early Merchandising

Cap'n Crunch's workforce, leaving to go make the cereal.

Needing a respectable business to funnel illegal gains through, Cap'n Crunch has licensed his hardtack recipe and likeness to Mormons, who cook up large batches of the stuff in their squat villages and sell it to national grocery chains.

Cap'n Crunch's morals had not decayed over the centuries, and as a result, he enslaved the people of Antarctica to mass-produce his cereal. The comfortable conditions in which his workforce tirelessly toiled was akin to modern-day sweatshops, where women and children were executed on baseless accusations of "Attempting mutiny" or "Disrespect of the colors."

[edit] Rivals

[edit] Criminal Record

Cap'n Crunch is currently wanted in 139 countries for Piracy of the High Seas, Conspiring to Sell Illegal Narcotics to Minors, Treason, Crimes Against Humanity and wearing plaid with stripes. His whereabouts are unknown to officials. It is also rumored he killed every one of the Soggies, a noble race of people who make cereal soggy. But he refuses to tell.

[edit] Aunt Jemima's Romance

Captain Crunch fell deeply in love with Aunt Jemima when he spotted her face once at a grocery store. He loved her sweet, sweet pancakes and she loved rubbing his Crunch Berries. They had 37 children, (see white trash) but Captain's overall favorite was Wally Crunch (after Horatio's his grandfather(s)), who really liked to battle windmills. It was one of the only things he could do (and the only thing he was ever good for). It was Wally Crunch's actions that provoked the First and Third Wars of the Windmills, which claimed over four lives between 1904 and 1962.

[edit] The Daily Crunch

Cap'n Crunch decided that the world needed a magazine. And not just any magazine, but a real magazine. And not just any real magazine, but a gossip magazine. And not just any gossip magazine, but a gossip magazine with style. And not just any gossip magazine with style, but a gossip magazine with style that tells every bit of Cap'n Crunch's and Aunt Jemima's passionate, romantic relationship. This magazine, called the Daily Crunch, which printed monthly, was trusted to be the most accurate on conflicts in between their bond together.

[edit] Income

Other than sailing the sugary processed cereally seas, Cap'n Crunch has an advertising campaign rivalling Head On and Viagra commercials.

The commercials in question usually follow along the lines of an insane elderly midget with an oversized mustache bending the laws of physics by melding the animated universe and the regular universe into one.

The commercials themselves have also inspired a host of conspiracy theories and protests by unpronouncable PETF (People for the Ethical Treatment of Fruits) although the cookies advertised in the commercials usually do not contain natural fruit flavors much like those found in the defecation product of retarded tropical birds with down syndrone-related diarhhea, only artificial fruit flavors. A typical scenario usually goes along as something like this:

On a "boring" day, usually involving a politically correct double triple duo of annoying non-stereotyped niggers, Asians, crackers, and possibly beaners (or of other South-Central American descent) children in a classroom, the cry of a vicious pedophiliac warlord will be heard and his gravity defying boat will crash into a structure usually killing an adult off-camera and an insane midget will beckon the surprisingly non-terrorized-as-a-squirrel-just-morphed-into-a-waffle children to stay on his boat all day and eat drugged cereal. Off camera, however, conspiracy theorists have supposedly unearthed hard evidence that after the scenes the children fall asleep from the drugged cereal and are locked in cages after sexually servicing the "captain" in a roleplaying sexual scene, all while being recorded by the captain. The children are shipped to Southeast Asian countries and are forced into the sex-slave trade and forced to fellate cyborg pirates.

He founded

The children are said to in all cases be told to not take candy from strangers, but not told to stay away from insane pedophiles offering them cold cereal in return for boarding their boat...and sometimes captains quarters.

No funds have been frozen to the Cap'n due to no suspected international trade violations. And to make even more money captain crunch will be in a movie on newgrounds.com. it is called "The Cereal People Movie", which will be released soon.

[edit] Murder Trial

Cap'n Crunch was responsible for the brutal murder of fellow pirate Captain Hook. For full details, see Captain Hook's Uncyclopedia page.Cap'n Crunch is planning on authoring a book titled, If I had actually murdered captain Hook

[edit] See also

v • d • e

All-American Role Models

The six Magic Mystery Rangers With the power to unleash the Rosie O'Donnell Mark 2, and kick Ultra Jesus' butt
Mr. T: Ultra Magic Mystery Ranger	Magical Magic Mystery Ranger: Harry Potter
Godzilla: Über Magic Mystery Ranger	Spoiled Bitch Magic Mystery Ranger: Paris Hilton
Captain Crunch: Well Balanced Breakfast Magic Mystery Ranger	Robot Magic Mystery Ranger: Optimus Prime

v • d • e

People named "Captain"

America - Archer - Arrogant - Beefheart - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Harkness - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Slow - Ultra - Understatement

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