Captain Jack Sparrow

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The Rum Is Gone!

This article mentions Jack Sparrow and therefore, the rum has probably disappeared mysteriously, no doubt because of an alcoholic pirate, savvy?

This article is about the messianic figure. For the article about the non-messianic figure, see Captain Jesus.

“... why is the rum gone?”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on the rum being gone

“I've got a jar of dirt”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on having a jar of dirt

“Why is the rum still gone?”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on the rum still being gone

“Arrrrh! Well, I try.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Jack Sparrow

“He escaped my terrible beastie! Beastie. Beastie. My, that's a great word... ”

~ Davy Jones on after Jack flew away from the kraken.

“What are ye' doin'?”

~ Barbossa

“What are you doing?”

~ Jack Sparrow

“No, what are ye' doin'?”

~ Barbossa

“What are you doing?”

~ Jack Sparrow

“No, what are ye' doing?!?!”

~ Barbossa

“STOW IT! THE BOTH OF YOU!!! UNDERSTAND?!!?”

~ Pintel on these two idiots

“CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!”

~ Captain Jack Sparrow on Jack Sparrow

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Jack Sparrow.

Captain Jack sparrow in pure, unadulterated form. He doesn't have anything to do with Johnny Depp at all.

HRH Captain Jackson Rheubus "Jack" Sparrow, 4th Earl of Schwann, of the house of Teague is the furrrst and current King of the Sovereign State of the Seven Seas. Loved by all his denizens, he has the highest popularity of any king in history. He came to power at the founding of the state in 1693, when the seas wurrre given thar freedom from the 'land states'. He also seems to be affixed with a jarrr of dirt, and often asks people to guess what's inside it. Their ponderrring as to what's inside is always promptly interrarrupted when they realize Jack has already stolen thar boat/valuables, so no one knows exactly what's inside. Howrever, we're all sure it's awesome. However, recent studies show that one person has actually managed to take a guess before Sparrow ran off. Sparrow promptly ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chanti, ftftftftft.

1 Childhood
2 UnivARRRsity
3 The Captain
4 The King
5 Current Life style.

[edit] Childhood

Born and raised in the mostly Hindustani ghetto half of Torrrtuga to arrr whore named Arrrrmadilla and Governor Swann, Jack never knew his eereal father, until there was a documentary filmed about him called Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearrrl. There is some evidence, in the form of Arrrmadilla's livejournal, to suggest that it was Juan Pablo Montoya. Without a eerreal father figure to discipline him Jack soon became a bully. One child feerom his class remembers, "Jack would as soon throttle you in your sleep as look at you, he was well loved by all the childrens." Childhood culture was such that, at the time, murrrrder was looked upon playfully (with the most successful murrrrderers often becoming schoolyard heroes). Some high schools, such as the one which Jack attended, ran murder leagues, offering scholarships and galleons to the most promising students. It was thus that Jack obtained his scholarship to Tortuga Captaincy University and his first ship, the "Flaming Queen". It was around this time he was adopted by Darth Vader and the Sexiest Woman Alive (his mother had died a few years earlier) and became one of the Love Children of Darth Vader, consisting of himself, Chuck Norrraaarris, Master Chief, and Solid Snake(Born in that order).

[edit] UnivARRRsity

Upon gaining a scholarship for murder at the Tortuga Captaincy University, Jack Sparrow quickly made himself a distinguished student. He was taught by Professor Gibbs on how to look cool and get juiced on rum. Gibbs noted Jack's enthusiasm at lessons when he would wake Gibbs at two in the morning, "He should have known better than t' wake a man when he's sleepin, bad luck", Gibbs reported. Professor Hector Barbossa taught Jack how to use a sword better than the Jedi and a deranged Sarcee Indian taught him how to use a gun. Unfortuately, however, the Sacree didn't teach Jack which end of the pistol was the barrel. Or what happens when you pull the trigger. Guess this means Jack's swagger isn't attributed to his lack of attending AA meetings, it's because he's got a iron ball wedged in his cranial cavity. Whoops.

[edit] The Captain

Ater commandeering his first ship, Jack set out to kick some ass and take names. Unfortunately, his ship practically got destroyed or critically damaged by pretty much every other ship out there. So, he decided to commandeer the Black Pearl. This he did, and not 3 days afterward, the Pirate-Ninja War broke out. Jack arrived only after he heard about the destruction of the United Pirate Fleet and helped play a major role in the Blondebeard offensive. After he returned home, he found out that the Disney Empire had conquered the Pirates of the Caribbean in the Five-Day War. So, he decided to get his revenge on Disney. He took to the seas with his crew and sank countless Disney battleships, frigates, and flagships with the Black Pearl. Eventually, he blockaded the port of Disneyland itself, the capital of the Disney Empire, and after a long battle, he sunk the defending Disney battleships and he and his pirates sacked the city. Jack gained immense riches and global power for this and forced the Disney Empire to give him the Seven Seas or he would threaten to reclaim the Pirates homeland. This way, the Disney fleet was destroyed, and Jack was now King of the Seven Seas. His throne was later challenged by none other than Chuck Norris but Chuck didn't even have a boat. He stood on the ocean floor roundhouse kicking the water. This proved to be an ineffective tactic. Chuck swam to the surface, had buttsecks with the undead monkey and went back to Texas to Falcon Punch George W. Bush. Jack is still the King. Oh, and BTW, his rum's still gone. But we all know that.

[edit] The King

With no one left to murder, Jack turned inward. He ruled the seas benevolently, passing laws and dictats from within his cabin aboard the Black Pearl, but was never seen in public. History is undecided as to what he did in his time as a hermit but most agree on one fact: he spent a large amount, if not all of his time, playing Sid Meier's Pirates! After 11 years of secrecy Jack made his first public appearance. The people rejoiced and a 5 month orgy ensued.

More recently Jack has been quite a public man; visiting the counties, whoring, playing backgammon with old ladies and kissing babies.

He is noted for his liberal policies. Recently after World War Two, he used the cannons of the Black Pearl to purge England of homosexuals and the Queen. Many realize that he could not have seized power without the aid of rogue Commodore "Sam" Norrington and Johnny Cash the Fifth.

[edit] Current Life style.

At the moment he lives his life with 5 whores not including Elizabeth Swann and a ship full of rum and eating the bodies of fried Ninjas. He has won the title "Most Awesome Pirate Ever!" Award 5 times. Like most other shell shocked Pirate-Ninja War veterans, he suffers from SNSS: Spontaneous Ninja Slaying Syndrome. This was confirmed when a young ninja named Genji attempted to start a protest against Sparrow, and was impaled on the end of his sword. He is also the Pirate King of being Bad Ass.

Captain Jack sparrow portrayed as a Raptor.

Captain Jack Sparrow was the ultimate downfall of not only The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but the whole of the Pokémon empire and Is currently engaged in a war with the numa numa guy and the monopoly man for the title "Ultimate Elite Fighter of The West Indies".

During most of his life time he has often been confused with a Raptor of some-sort. This is because of his strange hand movement and his clumsy footing, but some people say that he infact may be a raptor. He fulfils favours for anyone that asks, but for payment is required to do strange things to your pet dog.