Captain Janeway

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The name's Bond, Bond Janeway. Anywho, the phrase "Captain Janeway" normally refers to Captain Kathryn "Kat" Janeway.

“Don't make her angry, You don't like her when she's angry”

~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Janeway's before and after coffe temper

“mmm nice bun”

~ Woman shopping at coles on Captain Janeway

“Damn! Why can't I have a bun like that!”

~ Captain Picard on Captain Janeway's fabulous bun

1 Kathryn
2 Her (mis)adventures
3 BUN Usage
4 Recreating the Janeway Cottage Loaf
5 Personality
6 God
7 Battle Tactics
8 Janeway vs. Picard
9 Janeway vs. Kirk
10 Trivia
11 Quotes

[edit] Kathryn

Janeway had many male qualities

Janeway, Captain Kathryn "Kat"

She is the only daughter of Admiral Janeway that survived The Rapture. After graduating from high school and a failed attempt at Captain Planet, she joined Starfleet to stop Allah from calling her a Dominatrix. She is also the wife of Kaiser Wilhelm II (Billy) Later, She became captain of the famous star ship USS Voyager after only weeks of training that got swept into the delta quadrant or 70,000 light years away. Her surviving crew included Chakotay, B'elana, Harry Kim,Tuvok and Tom Paris and other random crew members. On the way back, she picked up a few travelors that include a Borg Seven of nine and a Talaxian known as nellix, and an occapman. She made it back to San Francisco the alpha quadenet after 70 years and many (mis)adventures. but then she went back in time to voyager and told her past self to go back to the nebula the was "crawling with borg" and the went through a transwarp hub back to the alpha quadrent approximanley 40years earlier with destorying a borg hub along the way and led back to earth by many starfleet vessels.

[edit] Her (mis)adventures

She is known for her god-like abilities to survive anything that the Universe throws at her including bugs, Seska, Borg, sheep, Borg, stones, Seska, Borg stones, Richard Nixon, Seksa, unknown lifeforms, carcinogenic tars & nicotine, Seska, Borg, and Borg. This ability comes from her power to throw unlimited amounts of photon torpedoes (used 99 out of 40 to be exact).

[edit] BUN Usage

Cottage Loaf

Seven of Nine tending to the Captain's Bun.

During seasons 1-3, her Bun got 1510% more airtime than she did. Using the power of the Bun, she could resist all sorts of damage, reinforce shields, and create an unlimited supply of shuttles. Her bun was also able to display Voyager's state of emergency. The more worse the bun looked, the more severe were Voyager's problems. A little known fact is that Bun is in fact an acronym for "Better (than the) Ultimate Nose."

Captain Janeway's hair has been discussed by many scholars with experience in the field including Lee Stafford and Ricardo from the UK tv series "The Salon". While some have claimed that Janeway's hair is similar to a bun, mammoth hair expert Nicky Clarke claimed that it is not hair at all, but actually a cottage loaf. A comparison can be seen here.

Captain Kathryn Janeway

[edit] Recreating the Janeway Cottage Loaf

For all of those who wish to recreate a Captain Janeway cottage loaf hairstyle just follow the simple steps below.

Ingredients:

400g strong white flour, plus extra for dusting
1/2 tsp Salt
30g fresh yeast
60g Butter, softened
250ml warm water

Method:

1. Place the flour, salt, yeast, butter and warm water in a bowl and mix together to a soft, pliable dough.
2. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 5 minutes.
3. Return the dough to the cleaned bowl and set aside to rest for 1 hour.
4. Preheat the oven to 230°C/gas 8.
5. Turn out the rested dough onto a lightly floured surface.
6. Rip off a third of the dough and shape into a ball. Shape the remaining dough into a ball and place the smaller ball on top, then flatten slightly with your hand.
7. Push your finger down through the centre of the loaf, from the top to the bottom, until you can feel the working surface.
8. Dust the loaf with flour and cut vertical slashed from the top of the loaf to the bottom with a sharp knife.
9. Place the loaf on a lined baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes until golden brown. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.

Now you will have your own authentic Captain Janeway cottage loaf, why not try wearing it out and surprising all your friends, and anyone else for that matter!

[edit] Personality

Captain Janeway is known for her uncommon manner of keeping extraordinary calm and having unusually perfect hair during a perilous situation(Even though when the bridge shakes, you see her hair flail out, and then back into place.) While under attack from another ship, Captain Janeway is known just to kick back and relax in her chair and give out orders like she is giving out an order for a drink. She is, however, known to become downright aggressive if her hair is disturbed in said attack. She is also known to fall asleep during battle, as she needs her rest, her skin is also known to react to any type of physical exertion. Janeway is also hypersensitive to any physical manual labour. She likes to "take it easy" especially with her battery powered "Chakotay".

[edit] God

Janeway is rumored to be God. The evidence according to half a source for this rumor is overwhelming, as Janeway is the only Starfleet captain to:

Have an infinite supply of photon torpedoes.
Evolve into a lizard and have sex with her helmsman.
Pretending to be a prostitute to save her crew.
Having legally killed a Q.
Having a damn fine bun.
Managed to find the start button on a Linux machine.
Smoking 200 cigarettes a day for 7 years without producing a single molecule of second-hand smoke.
Plus the fact that she is a pool shark.

And that's only season two.

She was also able to destroy her own ship on countless occasions and still somehow manage to get it back to Earth in seven conveniently timed years.(the same amount time Picard adventures lasted)

[edit] Battle Tactics

Janeway always starts a battle by going to Red Alert. This is nothing more than saying: Red Alert!. The message given to the aliens is Want a piece of me, punk?. The next action to do is initiate the Self-Destruct on the ship. At that point, she is invincible. It is now she kicks the ass of the Borg. Normally, to make sure that they endure less pain and humiliation, the Borg then will start firing at each other.

[edit] Janeway vs. Picard

The top reasons Why Captain Janeway is Better

11. She has a faster ship that can LAND on planets.
10. Q met Picard and wanted to destroy humanity. Q met Janeway and wanted to do her.
9. Janeway's First Officer is a native American. With a tattoo.
8. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
7. One word: hair.
6. Knows when it's time to break the Prime Directive.
5. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
4. Doesn't have a Counselor on board.
3. She can destroy Borg Cubes within seconds.
2. When two Janeways team up they can take out anything in the universe.
1. Janeway spent seven years in the Delta Quadrant. Picard wussed out in under 45 minutes.

[edit] Janeway vs. Kirk

Kirk did not have a holodeck.
Her doctor wasn't human. Hell, he wasn't even ALIVE!
Two words: Jeri Ryan.
Lived throughout the series wearing a red shirt.
Her Chief engineer was a hot Klingon, not that dumb fat guy.
The planets she visited never looked suspiciously like the California desert. Except that one on which they couldn't survive without an environmental suit. (Everyone knows that was Los Angeles)
Met characters first encountered......By Picard!
Would you really want to see William Shatner nude?
Janeway would never, ever tell her fans to GET A LIFE!
Janeway never ever met Joan Collins.
Three words: seven whole seasons.
Janeway has adventures with god-like beings. Kirk did too, but the Q are much cooler than Apollo.
Janeway never has pretentious episode titles like, "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "You cannae change the laws of physics," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.
Half of Janeway's crew were terrorists, but they never dared talk back to her.
Janeway's helmsman was a hardened crimnal as opposed to a Monkees look-alike.
Kirk nailed everything that moved. Janeway had to create her perfect man on the Holodeck, her standards are that high.
A network for Paramount failed when Kirk was going to get a show, when Janeway got a show, it started a channel that became (part of)the CW
Janeway would never let herself get turned into a man, but you know she would have made a better one than Kirk.
Janeway bitch-slapped the Borg Queen. Kirk would have tried to do her.
Seriously..........Would you really really want to see William Shatner nude?
Janeway isn't racist against Klingons.
Tim Russ never hosted a ridiculus show called In Search Of
B'Leana Torres would never talk to a computer mouse.
When Kirk appeared in Janeways time period, he was shot by Tolian Soran....BEFORE VOYAGER FIRST AIRED!, when Janeway visited Kirk's era, they never came face to face, but she sorta met Sulu, but he's not Kirk.
She has a first officer with a tatto.
Kirk has one alien on his ship, Janeway has 5 aliens, 2 borg and a hologram.
Janeway's head of security has Vulcan ears glued to his head. Kirk's security officers die every episode.

[edit] Trivia

Chakotay reveals his hairy member. Janeway appears facinated.

She is black coffee powered.
Her father is Admiral Janeway, the only person who survived a fifty hour long game of battleship with Admiral Donald Duck.
Originally, the character was known as Nicole Janeway, but Kate Mulgrew thought that Nicole was a stupid name and changed it to her own.
Her father, Admiral Janeway, is actually herself, due to a drunken bet with an starfleet officer from the 29th century.
She is the only person alive to be named Janeway.
She has a tattoo fetish.
She is 5'10 size 12.
Has a damn fine bun.
Her Nickname Is "the backhand" gained from her early years playing tennis, she was said to idolize the legendary feisty and somewhat cocky, Jennifer Capriati. It is widely known that Capriati is a Maternal ancestor of Janeways in the early 21st century, a fact Janeway flaunted to all her colleagues at starfleet academy.
Upon returning to the Alpha Quadrant, she proceeded to hunt down the writers responsible for stopping her from getting any action with Chakotay. Said writers were put through her coffee grinder, making the blackest coffee Janeway had ever seen. She promptly invited Chakotay over for a drink.
She has also performed many lectures at Starfleet Academy, such as "The importance of Coffee in Command" and "Dress to impress, 47 ways of getting the perfect bun"
You can tell that season of Voyager it is by how low her hair is hanging. The lower it is, the later the season.
She made a guest appearance in Oblivion as Captain Kathryn Renault of the Imperial Starship Tamriel. Again, she got lost and Harry Kim sacraficed himself for the future.

[edit] Quotes

Janeway thinking about Borg-Sex

"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager!" (Repeat in eternity+1)

"Surrender your coffee or prepare to be destroyed. Resistance is futile." (Repeated as long as she will make hails)

"There's cofee in that nebula!"

"OK Chakotay I give up! Come join me in this bathtub!!"

"Neelix, did I ever tell you you're fucking annoying?!"

"Seska, You BITCH!!!"

"I can't allow starfleet-condoms to be stolen from this ship. Think about all children in this quadrant that would NOT be born!"

"Seven, I have a question for you: Do Borgs have sex?"

"Tuvok, does my Bun look big in this?"

"Tuvok, does the ship look powerful in this Bun?"

"I am very feminine and I'll beat the crap out of anyone who says otherwise!"

"Listen, uhh, Harry, last night was a mistake."

"Q, don't touch me there."

"You see, Chakotay, the best thing about being the only Starfleet ship in the Delta Quadrant is, we get to screw over any race royally, then go back and tell Starfleet we went out for groceries for 7 years."

"Another great thing about being 70,000 light years away from the nearest starfleet vessel, is that once we finally get back to Earth, we can makeup bullshit stories. Off the top of my head: "We met Amelia Earhart," or "We singlehandedly eliminated most of the Borg fleet.""

"Initiate self destruct program."

"Chakotay, I bet you 10 days of replicator rations that I can convince the next race that I am "Professor Ringading von Longdong of the Federation Starship Coca-Cola."

"I have had enough from you and your temporal prime directive talk... I'll cause paradox as I please."

"Like hell do I have to answer your trivia to take command of my ship. I didn't screw half the Admirals in the fleet to get on a bullshit transporter room trivia show."