Captain Picard

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Captain Jean-luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise-D)

Captain Picard Is Aroused By This Article

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise (United Federation of Planets registration number NCC-1701D) finds the content of this article most satisfactory indeed. The gentle, flowing narrative prose contained within this article conjures memories of the smooth skin, supple thighs, and ratty knotted scarlet bush of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Which, if you're Captain Picard is quite a nice thing, I suppose. Speaking personally, that's one of the more revolting mental images of the day, but to each their own.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Picard.

Warning: This will probably make no sense to you.
This article may be hilarious if you are familiar with whatever it pretends to explain, but otherwise you will probably have no idea what the hell is going on. If you can think of a way to make it more accessible, make it so.

Jean luc picard when he was in charge of the stargazer with his brother Robert picard

Jean-Luc Picard after he had been assimilated by the Gay Borg Collective, and given the new name La Cute Ass.

I'm afraid the Prime Directive forbids me from helping your primitive culture, sir.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard is a funny looking, bald-headed asshole who is the captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Picard is most widely known for standing up from his captain's chair and pulling his shirt down to where it should be. This is widely known as the Picard Maneuver, and is practiced by many including his first officer William T Riker (commonly referred to as simply "Beard"). Unlike other starship captains in the Star Trek Universe such as Captain Archer of the Enterprise NX-01, Picard will not be seen laying on the floor of a prison cell eating slop out of a dog bowl. He is much too proper for that shit. Instead, Picard's negative twists of fate involve firing phasers on the Klingons, straightening his shirt, and scanning the debris field for life signs. Recreational activities involve drinking Earl Grey Tea, reading shakespeare, fencing, deep conversations with Whoopi Goldberg, telling Wesley Crusher to STFU while trying to get into Beverly Crusher's pants, and reminding Worf not to fire phasers just yet.

Picard was born in France to parents Herman Melville, and David Copperfield.

The original pitch of TNG strayed too much from The Original Series. But just barely.

[edit] Facts

Captain Picard is a highly cultured renaissance man, enjoying sophisticated past-times such as playing the flute, reading Shakespeare, and rocking out on air guitar.
Picard has cool mind powers and in his spare time is the leader of the X-Men.
In between his duties as Captain of the Enterprise and leader of the X-Men, Picard held back the electric car and made Steve Guttenberg a star.
Picard's most frequent interactions on the bridge are with Commander Data, largely due to limitations of the script generator.[1]

Out damned Romulan! OUT I SAY!!!

His scalp is coated with Teflon to make it more Aerodynamic.
Served as head of the KGB before being outwitted by George Smiley.
Picard briefly served as the frontman of the Borg, an interstellar heavy metal rock band, from Sweden.
Picard is an accomplished thespian, having played the historic role of a gay superhero in the theatre production and film adaptation of Jeffrey. He declined to be part of the very successful television series spinoff, Jeffrey: Queen of the Gym, and has since been seen groveling for hurled coins in lesser theatre productions written by some guy named William Shakespeare.
Closet homosexual Picard could quite easily kill that other closet homosexual Captain Kirk.
Shooting Picard in the game Star Trek: Elite Force 2 does not result in his death, but does cause the game to freeze - such is his power.
Contrary to popular belief, the "Picard Maneuver" is the act of pulling ones top downward, to make your nipples show through your uniform more.
Often mistakenly called by his screen name, Patrick Stewart.

[edit] Kirk vs. Picard

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better

Has a bigger spaceship, which can separate into two also-bigger spaceships. That what she said!
Quotes Shakespeare all the time. Hell, even the ability to speak without pausing every two to three seconds puts him above Kirk
Not only the president of the Enterprise, but also a client.
Was turned into a Borg. Borgs are cool.
Remained in command of his Enterprise for well over seven years. Kirk didn't even finish his first five-year mission.
Can say "Make it so" in 43 different inflections in over six million forms of communication. (Including Ainu)
Picard knows how to make a starship last. He only lost one, and that was when he wasn’t aboard (the Stargazer doesn't count). Kirk has gone through 3.
He actually knows how to use a comma.
Anything Picard says sounds meaningful and profound. This is the exact opposite on Kirk's effect on words.
Isn't a walking sexual harassment suit. Hiring Picard instead of a skirt-chaser like Kirk is estimated to have saved the Federation 23 billion credits worth of legal fees and hush money paid to the mothers of illegitimate children spread out across hundreds of star systems.
Has an annoying techno song composed totally of his lines. Then someone took the time to make a music video by finding the scenes the lines were from, and editing them to fit the song. Crazy.
Wasn't made an admiral. Kirk told him not to let Starfleet promote him, and he didn't. Therefore Picard is better.
Wore a red shirt and stayed alive through every episode.

Picard and crew know how to get down.

And here's another buncha reasons

Picard's ship is way bigger. And has a cooler looking saucer section.
Picard would never, ever tell his fans to GET A LIFE!
Kirk was a leader of followers. That's the only reason he (almost) got away with it.
Picard's worst episodes were originally written for Kirk.
Picard discovers new life, new civilizations and strange new worlds, not discarded movie sets from 1950s period dramas.
Picard's bridge crew doesn't miss 75% of the episodes.
His hand gestures just kick-ass.
Picard's main bridge doesn't look like something out of the Teletubbies
Picard can act out entire Shakespearean plays, not merely remember 5 or 6 lines.
Picard can get his ship to orbit a planet in both directions.
Picard would never ever date a shape-shifter who had previously morphed into a little girl.
Picard has never had a romantic relationship with his 'Number one'. Kirk did.
Picard doesn't need to wear glasses.
Picard has so much backbone Starfleet designers had to cut out a section of his command chair for it all to fit in.
Picard didn't have to reprogram a computer to give him better grades in order to graduate from Starfleet Academy.
Picard has to contend with crap Starfleet Admirals. If he stole a starship only to have it get destroyed, he'd get vaporized, not given captaincy of a new one like in the easy old days.
Picard has a ship whose engines can take it.
Three words: seven whole seasons.
Picard has to contend with the "Prime Directive", a ruling imposed on him by Starfleet after they saw what complete shambles in relations that resulted when they let Kirk meet new alien races.
The only way Picard would allow Tribbles on his ship would be as hors d'oeuvres.
Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard's bridge doesn't sound like an aviary.
One question: to which Captain would you entrust the safety of your daughter?
Picard is far too cool to beam down to a planet, strip to his waist and wrestle a guy in a rubber lizard suit. He lets his First Officer do all that for him.
Picard never shot his best friend's body into space in a photon torpedo.
Kirk probably thinks a concerto is a kind of ice cream dessert.
Picard doesn't need hair, real or not.
Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in gogo boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.
If their situations were reversed, Kirk would nail Lwaxana Troi (or Deanna for that matter). Picard has standards.
Picard has a real bar aboard his ship.
Picard would never have let his second in command irradiate himself in the engine room.
While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "You cannae change the laws of physics," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.
Unlike Kirk, Picard's middle name doesn't sound like an infectious disease.
You'd never have to clean Picard's semen out of the holodeck after he'd used it.
Picard has only stooped to the dire act of feigning illness to attract a guard's attention once.
Kirk has to fight Klingons to get his way. Picard only has to tell them what to do.
Picard would never wear eye makeup. Never.
Picard has a small, convenient hands-free communicator, not a Fisher Price spin-whizz baby toy.
Picard would never let himself get turned into a woman.
Picard and his crew used to solve a week's mystery in 44 minutes flat. Kirk used to take 50 plus.
Picard never has to sign an Etcha-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter killer.
Picard never cries in front of his crew when one of them gets killed.
Picard never has pretentious episode titles like, "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
Picard's engineers never lie to him about how long it takes to fix something, because no one, not even Starfleet engineers, mess with Picard.
Despite being French, Picard can speak English like a well-trained articulate thespian from Yorkshire.
Picard chews out Klingons. Kirk chews on Klingons.
Picard can climb rocks without falling off.
Geordi LaForge would never talk to a computer mouse
Picard's uniform fits. Particularly around the midriff.
Picard had a large serrated knife pushed into his back, through his heart and out his chest... and he just laughed at it!!
Picard blows up another starship more than once a season.
Picard doesn't give his enemy detailed technical drawings of his ship to study.
Picard never has to put bits of Lego into his computers to make them work.
Picard made sure all the beds in his sickbay looked even more uncomfortable than Kirk's so he'd have fewer slackers.
Picard's phaser fires a burst of lethal energy capable of vaporizing a person. It does not fire a stream of red felt-tip pen.
Women chase Picard. Kirk has to go out and bag his.
Picard never needs a pessimistic Scot to beam him out of the crap when things get ugly.
When Picard has a holiday he goes home, gets drunk and brawls. Kirk sits at a campfire toasting marshmallows while singing "Row row row your boat".
Picard drank Romulan ale and didn't even flinch. Much.
Picard discovered new civilizations, Kirk discovered he had new syphilizations.
The Klingons in Kirk's day were real wusses.
Picard doesn't need to jump through big stone doughnuts to travel in time.
If Picard was going to kiss a black woman, he’d make sure it wasn’t a crew member, make certain it was well exposed for all to see, and make no use of a lame excuse such as "being under a spell". See, Picard isn’t afraid of the Klan.
Picard has only ever gone crazy once, and then he did something really cool like draw a smiley face in the cloud emanating from a warp core explosion.
Picard would never let his son get killed by Klingons.
If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he'd probably try to mate with it.
Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked around Sherwood Forest. Kirk has no sense of humor.
Picard’s adventures spun off three new series, each longer than Kirk’s run. Kirk only inspired a one-seasoned cartoon.
How many innocent yellow-shirted security officers have been killed by crazed aliens who had taken pot shots at them in the mistaken belief that they were actually shooting at Kirk?
If Kirk was captain when Tasha Yar died, he would have tried to do her corpse.
Picard has more than one token black person on his crew (not even counting Worf).
Picard isn't afraid to go places without a security team.
Picard doesn't wear pansy sailor-boy markings on his cuffs.
Picard has shuttlecraft that can travel faster than Kirk's ship.
Picard never has to say stupid things like, "I...am a Gr'up!" in front of young teenage girls who fancy him.
Picard was actually in his own show's pilot episode.
Picard never visits planets that look suspiciously like a Californian desert, except for that time he met Kirk.
Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.
Picard is too slim to require a Kellogg’s All Bran diet, and too dignified to turn up in an ad for such things.
Picard's doctor doesn't have to keep reminding him what her job is.
Picard doesn't have to operate his turbo lifts using hand pumps.
Picard's main viewer is a 200 inch hi-definition TV with Nicam and Pro-Logic surround-sound.
Picard's ego wouldn't demand $7 million for a 10 minute appearance in a movie.
Picard can spend more than 15 minutes on a planet before being shot at or locked up.
Picard's ship was never taken over by a door-to-door salesman.
If the Borg had assimilated Kirk, they wouldn't have learned anything.
Picard's First Officer eats the things that attack Kirk in alien forests.
Picard admitted he had a hair problem, and moreover used it to his great advantage.
Imagine you have to impose your authority: "This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship, Enterprise." Now introduce yourself as "James Tiberius Kirk, but you can call me Jim." See the difference?
If Q had met Kirk instead of Picard he would have destroyed humanity before Kirk got two words out.
Doesn't need glasses to read something on a control console like Kirk.
Picard actually has a house to go to.
Picard's chief of engineering doesn't say: I cannae change the laws of physics. Instead, he does.
Picard has gone to 2063, Kirk only went back in time 3 days. - Not true, Kirk DID go back to 1968, and then to 1985.
Picard is proud to be bald, Kirk wears a toupée and won't admit it.
Picard was also Capt. Ahab in a past life.
Picard has gold models of every Enterprise in his ready room.
When Picard got another Enterprise, it wasn't an old ship with a new number, it was even MORE BADASS THAN THE OLD ONE!
Picard knows how to beat a subspace weapon, Kirk would try to engage it in fisticuffs.
Picard keeps a rare and exotic lionfish as a pet in his ready room. Kirk didne't even HAVE a ready room!
Kirk's show led to the first interracial kiss on network TV but Picard's show eventually led to the first lesbian kiss on network TV. Now be honest: which would you rather see?
Picard has his own holiday.
Picard's head of security has a turtle glued to his head. Kirk's security officers die every episode.
On Earth, Picard has a mansion. Kirk only has a lowly aluminum oven to sleep in.
Picard was tortured by Cardassians and didn't even flinch.
Picard was able to make it out of Generations alive.
Picard can sing the alphabet really well. And he has the balls to do it on the bridge.
His mirror Universe counterpart watches over Terran slaves and exterminated the Ferengi.
The aliens that he, as well as the two captains that came after him have encountered look like creatures that could scare little children, Kirk meets men in costumes, not scary makeup
Picard never had to wear a girdle.
Picards shiny dome can cause such a concentrated blast of light that it would wipe out the Enterprise...both Enterprises...without hesitation.
Picard's most prominent black crew member was good for more than telling him that hailing frequencies were open.
Picard once used his spaceship to surf.
Picard does the Disney Point. And when he does, it starts the warp engines.
If Kirk had made Wesley Crusher a bridge officer, people would have hated him by association. Picard gets a pass because he's so much better.
Picard would have been able to convince everyone there really was a monster on the wing, would have known what really happened in the woods with the bandit and the couple, and would have answered all those 911 calls himself.
Conversely, Kirk would have simply killed himself trying to have sex with Rogue and the X-Men would never have existed.
When they each worked with Spock, Picard accomplished as much in two episodes (actually more like one episode plus one extra scene) as Kirk typically did in a full season.
Picard looks like a nice old man, while Kirk looks like he's going to steal your wallet.
Picard has a car.
Picard knows that the line must be drawn here!
Picard has met Kirk, Sisko, and Janeway. Kirk's got Picard, and... Pike. Woohoo.
Picard knows Janeway's got a gun.
Picard's first officer can have a beard without being evil.
Picard never took a tribble shower.
Picard isn't racist against Klingons.
Picard made Ben Maxwell so mental the only words he can say now is "Alright Picard".
Picard can learn how to play unknown musical instruments by getting zapped by an alien probe. I'd like to see Kirk pull that one off.
When Picard goes back in time, he actually meets important people. The best Kirk ever managed was a girl who had to die so she wouldn't be important.
Picard's bartender is hundreds of years old and may have been Whoopi Goldberg. Kirk doesn't seem to even have a bar.
Picard has 145,493,490 other reasons why he is better then Kirk.
Picard can beat every song on every Guitar Hero on expert and get 10000%
Picard told Mr. Worf that his head looked like a fannie to get a cheap laugh from his bridge crew. This, plus the fact that he constantly pisses off (and occasionally kicks the shit out of/kills) Klingons, makes him a zillion times more the badass then that pussy Kirk is.
Picard's second in command got his own brand new starship, Kirk's just got hand-me-downs.
Picard's chief engineer was blind and still kicked more arse in one episode than Kirk's could in a season.
Picard's ship reached the edge of the universe, Kirk's was only able to reach the edge of his own galaxy, pathetic.
Picard has the Borg to deal with, Kirk has space herpes.
Picard has three times as many reasons why he's better than Kirk does.
Picard doesn't play World of Warcraft.
Picard is the one responsible for the deaths of Spike Spiegel and Kurt Cobain
Picard made Chuck Norris go deaf for a brief amount of time simply by speaking in his glorious accent.
He owns a Nintendo DS and regularly fires his synapses.
Picard NEVER said THIS!
When Kirk kills someone with a phaser, they just vanish. When Picard kills someone with a phaser, cool shit like this happens
When kirk met a Q he was like "oh no how can i defeat him". when picard met one he was like "you ARE so ANNOYING".
Picard's Enterprise ALWAYS had enough power and NEVER ran out of dilithium crystals.
Picard has fought off klingons. Kirk was beaten up by klingons, and that was when they were Pussies.
Picard's bedroom was bigger than Kirk's bridge.
The Picard flew his crippled ship at an enemy as fast as it would go, stopped as close as he could to it, fired all his weapons and destroyed them...with a ship that was mundane when it was built. This is the Picard Maneuver. has anyone ever heard of the Kirk maneuver...didn't think so.
As Picard ages he gains strength. when he was an ensign he put up a fight against a naussican before getting stabbed then as an old man PWN3D 2 of them.

[edit] Picard vs. Janeway

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better.

Until this moment nobody thought enough of Janeway to add a vs. section. Janeway fans on the other hand recognize Picards brilliance in a futile attempt to defend against it.
Picard never tries to act like Janeway, whereas every time you see Janeway, she's trying to be Picard in a skirt, and this JUST doesn't work, dahling.
Imagine Janeway saying "Resistance is futile". End of argument.
Janeway could never pull off being bald.
Picard's ship would eat Janeway's ship and crap it out all over the quadrant.
Janeway couldn't look after her medical crew, so she had to get one that was made of light.
Janeway talks, Picard shoots.
Janeway smokes cigarettes, Picard smokes pole.
Janeway smokes cigarettes, Picard smokes Cardassians.
Janeway didn't draw a line 'here'!
Janeway surrendered her starship 40 billion times, Picard never surrendered his starship.
Janeway has problems finding Earth and gets lost very easily, Picard never gets lost.
Janeway cannot act to save her life, Picard knows all of Shakespeare's plays by heart.
Janeway vs. Kirk section is basically a rip-off of the Picard vs. Kirk section; says it all really.
Janeway's ship isn't even the Enterprise!
Janeway can't sing.
She can't dance either.
Or drive for that matter.
She's a woman, Who decided women can be captains anyway?

[edit] Picard vs. Sisko

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better.

Pic...

Actually, never mind. We like Sisko. He's cool. They're both equally brilliant* because they were both involved in the Dominion war and had Lt. Cmdr. Worf at Tactical when the situation called for it. Also he's bald as well.

[edit] Picard vs. Archer

Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better.

Picard would never get trapped a billion times by bounty hunters hired by the Klingons.
Picard's ship had shields and craploads of torpedoes. Archer's ship had wimpy little rayguns and paper-mache armor.
Picard would never let Vulcans tell Starfleet what to do.
Picard met the Borg first, Archer just stole them from him.
Mirror Picard watches over Terran slaves and exterminated the Ferengi. Mirror Archer is a lowly first officer. Update, Mirror Archer is dead.
Picard actually gets his starship repaired by the end of his episodes.
Picard doesn't have to deal with the shock of going bald, Archer will have to deal with it sometime in his life.
Picard was in charge of a battleship(Enterprise D) and a battlecruiser(Enterprise E), Archer was in charge of a lowly Warp 5 week-kneed dinghy of sucktitude.
People watched Picard's show.
Picard never kept a dog as a sex slave.
Picards show was never cancelled.
Archer can't even see T'Pol naked; Picard saw Ambassador Troi naked.
Picard isn't racist against Vulcans.
Archer acts like Kirk and we all know about Picard is much better than him.

A video showing how cool captain picard is.

Picard was known for dealing harshly with any "back-sass"

Captain Picard does NOT like suprises.

Picard with his bodyguards when he becomes president of the federation

You are NOT my FATHER!!!!!

[edit] Quotes

"Captain's personal log. The Enterprise is en rout to Sector 10-45 at maximum warp to rendezvous at the flarius system. I'm been sitting on the john for most of the day... That... Romulan ale I drank didn't agree with me... Errrrrrnnnngh!!!"

"Here's to the finest crew in Starfleet! Engage!"

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise! Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise!" (repeat ad nauseam)

"THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS YOU STUPID FUCK!!! YOU BLIND OR SOMETHING??"

"I am Locutus of Borg, resistance is frivolous... Damnit... I'm new at this..."

"Engage!!!"

"Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra with the lead pipe in Crusher's quarters..."

"Mr. Worf, I command you to let me lick your forehead things."

"So to get us out of the nebula, you want to get the counselor and the doctor drunk and make them have sex with each other? Make it so!"

"For the last time, that was the doctor's dress in my closet!"

"The line must be drawn here...cough COugh COUGH!"

"See the great thing about making First Contact is that you can wipe out the entire civilization and not get in trouble, because nobody else has heard of them."

"Shut up, Wesley!!!"

"Wesley, I need you to clean the airlock. If it opens while your inside, run for the green clouds outside."

"We have engaged the-...wait, what were they called again? The Smorg? The Torg? The IRS?..."

"Stupid fucking flute, didn't even work anyway, the sound was patched in. Why the fuck would anyone buy it for so much money?"

"The Thousand Ships of the Federation descend upon you."

"I am tired of these motherfucking Borg on their mother fucking cubes!"

"Woah. I never noticed that the nebula outside looks like a weed leaf. I shouldn't have had so much Earl Grey."

"Alright, Riker, stand next to me and act like you are going to say something. Troi, sit there and tell me if they are lying. Data, sit there and act like you're working. Mr. Crusher, sit there and look at porn on your helm control console. Mr. Worf, stand there and look menacing. Alright? Everyone ready? Make it so."

"We are Locutus of Borg. Well actually I'm Locutus of Borg. No! We are comrades! We are all Locutus!"

"Data? Shut up. I've been waiting twenty years to say this..."

"Thank you Mr. Data, now kindly shut the fuck up!"

"Yes for the sake of humanity, I will have a small Sprite to go with my Big Mac, make it so!"

"Not the Ferengi again! Fuck this shit, I'm taking a leave of absence. If anyone wants me I'll be in the Holodeck playing Dilton Hill, again."

"The slow blade penetrates the shield. "

"Mutation: it is the key to our evolution. It has enabled us to evolve from a single-celled organism into the dominant species on the planet. This process is slow, and normally taking thousands and thousands of years. But every few hundred millennia, evolution leaps forward."

"When an individual acquires great power, the use or misuse of that power is everything, will it be used for the greater good or will it be used for personal or destructive ends? Now this is a question we must all ask ourselves. Why? Because we are mutants."

"Twenty years at the Royal Shakespeare Company, now I'm stuck doing fucking Star Trek!."

"NO! NOOOOOOO!!!!! (smash)"