James T. Kirk

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Captain Kirk)

Captain Picard Is Aroused By This Article

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise (United Federation of Planets registration number NCC-1701D) finds the content of this article most satisfactory indeed. The gentle, flowing narrative prose contained within this article conjures memories of the smooth skin, supple thighs, and ratty knotted scarlet bush of Dr. Beverly Crusher. Which, if you're Captain Picard is quite a nice thing, I suppose. Speaking personally, that's one of the more revolting mental images of the day, but to each their own.

“We come in peace, shoot to kill”

~ Captain Kirk on Pretty much any encounter

“Such a peaceful race.....let's teach them how to kill and screw.”

~ Captain Kirk on any peaceful race he meets

“He's a captain.”

~ Captain Obvious on Captain Kirk

“I gotta go do him”

~ Denise Richards on Captain Kirk

“The only man in the universe who comes close to being as awesome as I am, almost.”

~ Chuck Norris on Captain Kirk

“I could learn a few things from him”

~ Neo on Captain Kirk

“The man could cure cancer, bring peace to the galaxy and provide one great night in the sack.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Kirk

“Fucker.”

~ Captain Picard on Captain Kirk

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Captain James "Mr. T" Kirk, starship captain, ladies' man, dermatologist, kung-fu fighter and Grammy Award-winning singer, was born in the year 2233.1 in Iowa (statements to the effect that Kirk was born in Canada have been flatly denied by the Canadian government). However, in his younger years, he was a prominent time-traveller, and went back in time to establish himself as the successful British Songwriter known as Jamie T. and recorded an album, obviously putting minimal effort into any of it, judging by the fact he sounded like he'd just had an easy morning at the pub downing Tequila and Jack Daniels whiskey, and that most of it was done in his Bedroom.

He didn't edit it himself, but in keeping with his style, got some lazy bum to do it for him, who didn't bother to cut out other usually undesirable sounds, such as one accidentally recorded threat to maim several children while on their bikes using an automobile. However, Kirk's endless viewing of the Star Trek series in between his skiving/recording sessions, seeing himself as an adult in the far future but in command of a ship that looked like crap on the inside because it was designed in a Television Studio about 30-odd years beforehand, caused a massive time Paradox, allowing Kirk's father to come back in time after him and get on to him for messing with history, having a godawfull mess in his bedroom, putting on a stupid british accent, and attempting to asasinate the members of the band Slipknot, who were regarded as "sophisticated, Classical musicians" in Kirks time period.

Thanks to Doctor Who and Optimus Prime, the paradox was fixed, leaving James and his father trapped in 2007. Then Kirk, and Gordon Freman, known at the time as Zane Lowe, got into a massive war after a shoddy interview at T in the Park that same year. The two Battled it out, until it was revealed that Kirk was adopted, and his biological father was The Master Chief, meaning he had the genetic ability to beat the shit out of Lowe/Freeman: this resulted in the cracking open of Lowe/Freeman's Skull, releasing a huge amount of energised blood, found in people who were blessed with a high midi-chlorian count. encountering something from a completely different sci-fi universe caused another paradox, which sucked Kirk and his Adopted Father back to their time period. this burst of time energy caused the minds of the two Kirks and Zane Lowe to be wiped.

This is not Captain Kirk.

However, experts agree that this is.

Kirk resumed business as usual, while Lowe truly evolved into Gordon Freeman by creating a new identity to replace his lot one and going on an eventful trip to the Black Mesa Research Facility, getting into all kinds of hilarious antics, never to encounter kirk again. Following a distinguished career at Starfleet Academy where he beat the Japanese-namey Scenario without cheating (much), Kirk gained notice when he helped deliver a cargo of dramatic pauses to Tangalos IV during the Galactic Comma Shortage of 2259 (ironically caused by Kirk himself), and was soon promoted to the captain of the starship Enterprise NCC-1701 (it was actually the first, but the Federation wanted the Klingons to think they had 1700 other ships captained by Kirk).

During the voyages of the Enterprise, Captain Kirk battled countless foes, including Klingons, Romulans, Republicans, Democrats, the Vegans of Planet Vegan Peace VII, an evil energy being, more evil energy beings, an evil twin of his toupee from an alternate universe, twice, and sixty-seven paternity suits. He was intended to explore space for a five year mission, but this was cut short three years into the mission when Kirk was promoted to admiral and nothing interesting happened until 1978 when V'ger attacked, but that movie sucked so it's generally agreed his adventures resumed with the fight against Khan. Kirk is a known toxin to machine life; exposure to Kirk for periods greater than two commercial breaks will inevitably result in fatal logic errors and emotional overloads.

Kirk had more violations of the Prime Directive than any other Starfleet captain, violating rules against time travel on no less than 94 occasions. He later slingshotted around the sun to travel back in time and rewrite the Prime Directive to permit time travel, but got sidetracked and brought back some whales instead. After the evil alternate universe Kirk traveled in time to re-rewrite the Prime Directive, Kirk again traveled back in time to prevent a time-travel incident. However, it was a wash: since although he successfully prevented himself from traveling in time, decreasing his number of violations, he had to time-travel to do it, resulting in no net change in Prime Directive violations. Then he fought a floating head who claimed to be God, but everyone knows that movie sucked. There were better Voyager episodes than Star Trek V.

Then he was in a good movie where he killed a Klingon who quoted Hamlet.

Guess who's not going to be beaming up again.

Kirk was tragically killed in a really bad movie where the only notable thing in it was that he died. Seriously, there are like fifty thousand trekkies with better ideas they'd have given freely to Paramount yet they do a crappy pseudo-time-travel thing where Kirk meets Baldie McBaldo and gets killed by some stupid British guy? What the hell where they thinking, I mean, getting crushed by a bridge? He should've died for a reason, all his death did was legitimatize TNG's existence, but seriously, it was already established as its own show by the time the movie came out.

Even after death, Kirk has provoked the greatest argument in human history since Coke vs. Pepsi: Kirk vs. Picard. Everyone knows Kirk's better, though Worf was pretty cool too.

In an alternate non-canon universe written by William Shatner, Kirk is brought back as a zombie by Romulans to kill Picard (instead of using, you know, a phaser or something), but he outwills the entire Borg Collective and beats up Worf. He ends up in a Borg dumpster before finding his way back. I swear I didn't make that up.

The Enterprise versus a fearsome Klingon Bird of Prey.

Although not actually an official ninja, Captain Kirk was known across Federation Space for his skill in the art of hitting things with your fist. His unique fighting style can best be described as a combination of Jack Bauer and Solid Snake. He was also an honorary member of The Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God.

1 Captain Kirk, Interstellar Space Stud
2 The Tribble Incident
3 Spock's Death
4 Reasons why Kirk is totally better than Picard
5 Famous Quotes
6 Known Enemies of Captain Kirk
7 Known and Suspected Sexual Encounters of Captain Kirk
8 People Known To Have No Sexual Encounter with Captain Kirk
9 See also
10 Do not see also

[edit] Captain Kirk, Interstellar Space Stud

Kirk's mission in life was to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, blow up computers by talking to them, and to boldly bang species no man had banged before. And while he's there some human women too. This, combined with all that time travel, is the main reason why most alien species are humanoid. Captain Kirk has had sexual relations with more species than any other humanoid in Federation Space, with 1337 children spread out across the Alpha and Beta quadrants. However, when a DNA census of the sector is completed this number will increase substantially. If Kirk is (as widely suspected) the man who fertilized Atalonia, the Hive Queen of Talanos-III, then he may have as many as 37.9 million children in the Talonosian system alone.

In the process, Captain Kirk became infected with 138 incurable sexually transmitted diseases, which were promptly cured by McCoy by the end of the episode so they could return to the status quo. The only exception was Terminal Comma Overuse Disease, also known as William Shatner Syndrome, and those nasty things that get in your ear from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan (that scene was cut from the movie and the script, however, to add more room for awesomeness). As such, he poses a galaxy-wide health threat. Fortunately, Kirk was able to bring an infection of Bajoran pubic lice under control (Bajoran pubic lice being sentient, orange and purple, six-limbed, saber-toothed creatures which grow to the size of a brown bear), although he briefly lost control of the Enterprise to the creatures until Dr. McCoy was able to supply him with the special shampoo. As a result of these cosmic dalliances, the Borg were somewhat hesitant to assimilate him, because "When you assimilate someone, you're assimilating everyone they've ever slept with." The threat Kirk posed to the Borg was the reason the Federation remained safe from them in the 23rd century until Picard's era, because they knew there'd be no chance of Picard having an STD.

[edit] The Tribble Incident

"Cap'n! It's all we 'ave to wipe with!"

The Tribble Incident, also known as The Trouble with Tribbles--With Kirk spending the entire ship's bankroll on Orion pole dancers, they ran out of money to buy the bare essentials for the latter half of the 5 or 6 year mission. Until one day, he found a small furry creature shoved between his buttocks while taking his morning dump. And since tribbles can breed on their own, he stocked the galley with the little buggers. Soon enough, they were living off "Tribble Flambe" and "Tribble Scotch" and watching "Tribble Cockfighting". Until one of them bit Wesley Crusher while he was trying to wipe with it. He got rabies, and was ejected into space with the rest of the tribbles. Funny thing was, Wesley Crusher wasn't born yet, and was never on Kirk's crew. Ever. He was on Picards. But who ever said this is obviously a stuck up knob. I hope you know that you just ruined a pefectly good joke.

[edit] Spock's Death

During a very moving and poignant funeral, Kirk decided to say a few words. Which is usually a big mistake. Near the end, with Scotty's bagpipes, Kirk has yet another "fuck the english language up" moment. Or a stroke, I cannot tell which. Anyhoo, in the heat of the climax, instead of saying the word "human" he actually says "pointy eared knob jockey" but then realises that the tranquilisers have worn off and tries to save the day by saying "mumam". McCoy looks on as if hes ready for the torpedo tube too or a blow job. Again, I cannot tell which.

[edit] Reasons why Kirk is totally better than Picard

Dude, Captain Kirk could totally kick Captain Picard's ass. Just ask anyone at the Trekkie convention. No, not that guy, he's dressed as Riker, he's not going to be unbiased. Okay, fine, look, I mean, look, okay, I'll prove it. Here's fifty reasons why Kirk > Picard

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

56. Kirk didn't have kids and families on board his ship. Picard's was nothing but families.
55. Kirk's hand phasers at least resembled guns. Picard's looked like TV remotes.
54. Kirk fought Khan and won. Picard never even met the man.
53. Kirk would hit what Picard wouldn't.
52. Kirk's Enterprise could fly at Warp 10 at times. Suck it Picard and your stupid rules for how warp 10 cannot be achieved.
51. Kirk didn't care too much for targeting an enemies engines or weapon systems, Kirk would shoot at anything he fucking felt like.
50. Kirk scored with green skin girls.
49. Kirk won against the no-win scenario.
48. Kirk went to a planet and fought goddamn commies.
47. Picard doesn't play World of Warcraft. Kirk does and he plays with the Horde, not that pansy Alliance.
46. Kirk's first officer was the finest in the fleet, whereas Picard's first officer was lame. Lame.
45. Kirk never wasted time by making us watch him eat in the mess-hall. When he went to the mess-hall to eat, it was actually to fight Romulans or something.
44. Kirk, having passed third grade and knowing of the dangers of a hard vacuum rarely stood near a window while on the Enterprise; Picard had a freaking window on his bridge. C'mon, dude, that's just ridiculous.
43. Despite not being the best diplomat, Kirk at least had a dedicated communications officer on his bridge. I'm not really sure why she was sixth in command, but she was at least there.
42. Kirk's middle name is TIBERIUS. That's a name a dragonshark made out of lasers would want. Picard's is Luc. Lame.
41. Picard doesn't have any children, Kirk probably has millions. Because, you know. Sex.
40. Kirk has slightly more hair than Picard.
39. Kirk would never wear a dress when admirals came for a visit. Or, you know. At all.
38. Kirk could solve a problem without having to reverse the polarity. He had at least twelve other solutions.
37. Kirk's female crew members wore miniskirts, Picard's wore slacks. Lame.
36. Kirk would never pretend to be a barber to hide from his enemies. He'd just rip off their hair, while it was attached to their heads.
35. Kirk doesn't have a problem with sending red shirts to check out strange sound; Picard is a redshirt.
34. Diplomacy for Kirk involved at least seventeen phasers and a fight to the death.
33. Wesley Crusher never once set foot on Kirk's ship.
32. Captain Kirk's heart never got stabbed and replaced by an artificial one, because Captain Kirk's torso is actually made out of steel.
31. At age 37 Kirk was captain of the USS Enterprise, flagship of the Federation, whereas at 37 Picard was captain of the USS Stargazer, a ship that was unimpressive even when it was built.
30. On Kirk's last episode, he may have gotten turned into a woman, but on Picard's last episode he got his ship destroyed. Three times. Three fucking times, dude.
29. Despite Kirk having a slower ship, he made to the edge of the galaxy on his first episode.
28. Kirk knew how to deal with omnipotent beings with nothing better to do than harass him: tell his parents.
27. Kirk's doctor was named Bones, giving the impression he at least knew something about the human body. Picard's doctor's name sounds she'll maim you for fun.
26. Fans of TOS want to be Kirk, fans of TNG want to be Riker. Because, you know. Picard was old. Lame.
25. Attack Kirk's ship: photon torpedos, no questions asked. Attack Picard's ship: Negotiation, no questions asked. Except by Worf, who Picard never agrees with the advice of.
24. Kirk never had to split his ship in half to beat his enemies. Not even once.
23. How many bad guys did Kirk beat up with a single neck chop? Jillions. How many did Picard-- oh wait, none. He didn't go on away missions. Lame.
22. Let's face it: Being born in Iowa > Being born in a French vineyard.
21. Kirk's helmsman was cool enough to get his own ship, Picard's was not. (Actually LaForge got a ship, Ro joined The Maqui and that brat teamed up with the traveler who moved through spacetime using the power of his thoughts.)
20. When Kirk had to deal with an evil computer, he blew it up with logic. When Picard had to deal with an evil computer, he had Data solve the problem for him.
19. Kirk knew enough from the tribble incident to never let cute furry things on a star-ship after the first time. Picard? There may as well have been a furry-cute-evil-thing... elevator.
18. Kirk didn't have children on his ship for more than a single episode. Little kids are annoying.
17. Despite having a crew of only 400, Kirk was smart enough to manage the people he had so that his chief engineer didn't also have to be a helmsman. Also, Picard's helmsman was freaking blind. (He got promoted to chief engineer, the brat took over the helm).
16. Kirk never almost flew his ship into an object the size of a solar system. Maybe an object the size of a planet, but never one the size of a solar system.
15. Kirk's bridge? Not beige.
14. Kirk's first officer didn't need a beard to look manly, he only needed one to look evil.
13. Kirk didn't have Lwaxana Troi as a recurring guest character. He had Nurse Chapel as a recurring guest character.
12. Kirk didn't need a holodeck to live his fantasies. His fantasies were beating up Klingons and seducing hot alien girls, both of which he did every episode.
11. Kirk once went to the planet of nothing but gangsters, and out-gangsters everyone on it.
10. Kirk had enough common sense not to go on away missions wearing a red shirt. Sometimes he didn't wear a shirt at all.
9. Kirk's chief engineer was a fighty Scotsman. Picard's chief engineer was blind.
8. Kirk doesn't speak with a pretentious 'British' accent even though he's French. Which he's not.
7. Kirk didn't have a devoted chief of security, but if he did, his chief security officer wouldn't have had a ponytail, or be a girl.
6. When Kirk gives his friends nicknames, he gives them real nicknames, not things like "Number One".
5. If Kirk wants advice, he'll ask Spock, and sometimes McCoy. Not everyone in earshot, and definitely not Wesley Crusher.
4. Kirk can beat Vulcans in chess.
3. Kirk doesn't need a psychic to tell him that the Romulans have hostile intentions. The Romulans always have hostile intentions. I mean, seriously. Fuck you, Deanna Troi.
2. Kirk once made a cannon out of a log and shot diamonds into the heart of his enemy. Picard lost a fencing match to Whoopi Goldberg.
1. Spock.

Sorry, could you say that again please?

[edit] Famous Quotes

"Captain's Log, stardate 49201249385.4. I welcomed the Tellarite ambassador by punching him in the neck."

"Excuse me, but what does Picard need with a starship?""

"Captain's Log, stardate 412444.1. I'm totally more awesome than Picard."

"I... have had... enough... of... Oprah!"

"Okay, yes. It's true I never fought the Borg, yeah, but back in my day Klingons had balls."

"To beam or not to beam...that is the question."

"Captain's log... that one always cracks me up"

"Sulu, could you direct me to my horse ranch? Okay then, can you direct me to your horse ranch...? I see... computer?"

"I kissed a nigger bitch to help end racism!"

"KHAAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAA AAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[edit] Known Enemies of Captain Kirk

This really happened, trust me.

Captain Jean-luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise-D
Captain Benjamin Sisko of the Deep Space 9 and the U.S.S. Defiant
Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager
Captain Jonathan Archer of the Enterprise
Klingons
Romulans
Tribbles
Tellarites
Andorians
Ithorians
KHAAAAAN!!!!!
The comma
The twentieth century.
San Fransisco
SPAM
Proper sentence fluency
The Prime Directive
The Temporal Prime Directive
Captain Picard again
Captain Janeway again
Grues

[edit] Known and Suspected Sexual Encounters of Captain Kirk

Mr. Sulu, set phasers on FABULOUS!

Romulans
KHAAAAAN!!!!
Adam West
Uhura
Erika Elaniak
Evil Mirror Universe Uhura
Nurse Chapel
Yeoman Rand
Barbara Bach
Probably You
Vina, an Orion slave girl from Orion
All Your Base Are Belong Us
Trish Stratus
Mulva, a Omicronian girl from Omicron Seinfeld X
Leiva, a Deltan girl from Delta Vega III
Katherine, a sorority girl from Delta Delta Delta (North of Baja Chapter)
Androida, one of the Android Women of Thanatos-II
Katie Price
Androida-beta, another one of the Android Women of Thanatos-II
Deanna Troi, after time-travelling in search of nookie
Eva, a hot chick from the Nazi Planet
Miko Mido
Mew, non-consensual
The gold chick from Goldfinger
This one chick Stacey he met at the Home Depot on Talanton V
Energia, an Energy Being from the far side of the Gamma Quadrant
Sue, an Energy Being from just outside Cleveland
Gillian Anderson
Cloneena, Clona, and Clonetta, identical clones from Clonon-IX
Commander Data, while he was deactivated
Neural parasite from Neuron-VI
Jane Seymour
Random girl seen in the back of the control room in scene 3, Episode 17 of the Original Series
Monica Lewinski, from the Planet Where Everyone is Monica Lewinski ^{[citation needed]}
A couple of the "Doctor Who" companions
Silicon-based life form from Hermes VI
Germanium-based life form from Hermes VII
Vaseline-based life form from Hermes VIII
Every one of the female Dax symbiotes...and one of the male ones.
Tribbles
"Spock"
Turanga Leela from a "Futurama" cross-over....oh, and the Asian chick.
His sister's college roommate Sarah
Sarah's lesbian lover, Betty
Seven of Nine, following further time-travel in search of nookie. By the way, when he was there? He beat up Janeway.
Voyager's EMH Program
Yo Mama
Trekkies
Oscar Wilde