Captain Morgan

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Captain Henry Morgan was a mighty pirate who discovered that a large group of men can be coersed into destructive behaviour for no good reason except that "burning things is cool". She is also the identical twin Brother of Captain Jack Sparrow.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Captain Morgan.

1 Technique
2 Rho Upsilon Mu
3 As The King's Consult
4 Death?
5 Legacy

[edit] Technique

Morgan was able to pull off magnificent pranks by plying young lads with a liquid called Rum. After several drinks or shots, the wee lads would grin and giggle and do whatever Morgan asked of them. Morgans favorite prank was burninating countrysides, especially ones that contained lots of peasants. Her drunken followers became quite adept at destroying villages, while only setting relatively few of their fellow men on fire.

Later, many that were tricked into participating later chanted "God damn them all! I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold!" They were also told they would fire no guns, shed no tears. Most ended up as broken men on a Halifax pier.

[edit] Rho Upsilon Mu

Morgan was eventually arrested for her crimes and sentenced to university for 6 semesters. It was there that she founded the first ever fraternity, Rho Upsilon Mu. Once again corrupting young minds with her Rum, she soon possessed an army stupider than any had ever known possible. Of her minions, she hand-picked a select few (Appleton, Bacardi and Cruzan) to run her secret labratory, which turned out prank after senseless prank, including "the atomic wedgie", "pantsing" and "duct-taping passed out kid to wall". The university was eventually burned to the ground, but the blame was placed on a young dragon named Trogdor.

[edit] As The King's Consult

Later in life, Morgan became close friends with Elvis, often offering her lab's services. During Elvis's reign as King, Morgan taught Elvis hypnosis, which was used against Norway as part of a plan to anchor the Earth's tectonic plates. Elvis consulted Captain Morgan more and more often throughout her life, and eventually became so heavily reliant on him that Martians abducted him as part of an intervention.

[edit] Death?

Captain Morgan was last seen impersonating Captain Hook in a tavern called the Prancing Pony during a confrontation with Trogdor the Friendly Dragon. Trogdor had recently been released from prison after carrying out a sentence for allegedly burninating several villages. She maintained that she was a peaceful, fun-loving dragon who would not hurt a soul. However, during a heated confrontation with Captain Morgan at this tavern, she swallowed Captain Morgan in a moment of anger.

Morgan's spirit was strong and dark, and it is believed that her soul immediately took over the dragon's body, for to the astonishment of the other partons, Trogdor renounced her title of Trogdor the Friendly Dragon and rechristened himself Trogdor the Burninator, then leveled the establishment with one fiery breath.

Trogdor's body and Morgan's soul are believed to roam the hills and fjords of Greenland to this day.

[edit] Legacy

Today, the Microsoft Corporation capitalizes on Captain Morgan's legacy by selling a brand of Rum under her name. Although it is not Morgan's original recipe but merely a pirated copy downloaded from the Internet, it ends up having similar effects on young men, which makes it okay. Some believe that Steve Ballmer is Trogdor/Captain Morgan.

VERY LITTLE KNOWN FACT!!!

The real captain Morgan is a Mafia girl who lives in Gettysburg Pennsylvania... She beats the living hell out of any who offend her and then stands for hours with one foot place on the her latest victims head in the classic Captain Morgan pose. Microsoft being the sexist hacks that they are turned their two-bit poser into a man ending the true legacy of the female captain Morgan.