Captain Sarcasm
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- If you were looking for Captain Obvious, you really know your way around Uncyclopedia.
“Good to know, that there's somebody who doesn't think I'm "Captain Contradiction".”
~ Captain Sarcasm on this article
“I did not have sex with that woman. ”
~ Bill Clinton on Captain Sarcasm
“He's called Captain Sarcasm because he's always so sarcastic!”
~ Captain Obvious on Captain Sarcasm
“...Huh? Pardon? Who?...”
~ Captain Oblivious on Captain Sarcasm
Of all the superheros out there, Captain Sarcasm may just be the most sarcastic.
“No, REALLY!?”
~ Captain Sarcasm on that last line
Well, yes, that is the jist of it. Originally created by another comic book publishing company to be a rival to Captain Obvious, Captain Sarcasm nevertheless found a loyal fanbase. The need for a sarcastic based superhero grew out of sleazy, typical corporational "jumping on the band-wagon."
“Yeah, they came up with a helluva' original idea.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on his creators
Despite his cynical view of the world, Captain Sarcasm truly tries to hold up the values of morality (even though he doubts many people are smart and nice enough to keep things nice for a while).
“This guy must be British.”
~ Captain Obvious on Nationality of Captain Sarcasm
Mainly, Captain Sarcasm approaches a scene of disaster and sarcastically remarks about everything there until someone else fixes things out of spite, annoyance, or craziness from too much sarcasm. This has been said to be a kind of mesmerising power, much like Charles Xavier of the X-Men.
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[edit] Neutrality
Due to his very nature, some wonder if Captain Sarcasm really is a superhero. His sarcastic remarks often annoy the average citizen more often than they save the day. He also has done little good in the world, by the standards of other superheroes. However, he is not a supervillian, since he does not actively cause disasters or mischief. He classifies himself as a anti-hero, someone who will treat others the way they treat other people.
“There are so many SMART, NICE people in the world that I just want to break their neck!”
~ Captain Sarcasm on the world
As a result, many goverenmental leaders frown upon Captain Sarcasm's actions. Former presidents have often called for Captain Sarcasm to refrain from superhero activities.
“Captain Sarcasm, you don't really do anything to help the American way.”
~ Bill Clinton on Captain Sarcasm
“Oh yes, Mr. President, you did not have sex with that woman.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Bill Clinton
He is a master of supersarcasm to the extreme. Most superheros have a flashy catchphrase, and Captain Sarcasm usually adds 'No, really" and "Yeah" to many of his comments. He also patented the phrase "Yeah, right". He can turn a "No, really" into a deadly weapon that makes enemies moan in despair. Sometimes the enemy takes his sarcasm as compliments, which later causes their mentality to mess up.
“This article is so not ripping off the Captain Obvious article.”
~ random quote by Captain Sarcasm
[edit] Alliances
“Yeah, I really get along with these people.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on his "friends"
Because he generally lacks true superpowers (the aytypical superstrength, superspeed, superwahtever), Captain Sarcasm has teamed up with with many other superheros.
“No, this guy isn't really obvious at all...”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Obvious
“This guy is cool.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Superman
“This man does not have a thing for bats. Really. Not at all. He also does not have a thing for Robin.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Batman
“Oh, Yeah, He definitely not gay.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Planet
“And she was a very big help. Like not.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Your Mom
“100% made in America”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain America
“Out of parts from Mexico and Canada.”
~ said Captain Sarcasm under his breath
“Good Lord, this guy is not crazy!”
~ Captain Sarcasm on the most annoying person he knows
“No, Marvel never forced me to sign a contract to team up with this pathetic loser.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Spider-Man
[edit] The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"
It is said in comic book lore that when the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse ride out and are unable to do anything, The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking" will save they day. Each member is a archetype comic book character: Superhero(Captain Obvious), supervillian (Captain Understatement), anti-hero (Captain Sarcasm), and arch-nemesis (Captain Oblivious). Besides all being titled as "Captain," each member has power over different types of annoying English, as addressed by their names.
“Yeah, we really have horses.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"
“I am Captain Obvious. He his Captain Sarcasm, he is Captain Oblivious, and he is Captain Understatment.”
~ Captain Obvious on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"
“i don't really do much in the group.”
~ Captain Understatement on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"
“Wait, what?”
~ Captain Oblivious on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking"
The origin behind the name of this group derives from the idea that, when all four are combined, they will become a force of really annoying chatchphrases, wit, insults, understatements, oxymorons and bizarre sayings that it will drive everyone and everything to the brink of insainity.
Pithy Saying Man tried to join the group but was turned down because 1) he wasn't titled "Captain" 2) while pithy sayings can become annoying after a while, he hadn't previously said enough quotes for membership and 3) it helps, during Apocalypse, to have someone that really has no clue what they are doing (aka Captain Oblivious).
“Not worth the time nor the effort.”
~ Pithy Saying Man on The Four Horsemen of "Agh, No, Make Them Stop Talking
Occasionally, they will team up with the Knights of Ni.
[edit] Enemies
“Yeah, I really, really love these people.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on his enemies
“Once I defeat them they are gone. Never to return. Don't even come back in the nest episode. Those look-alikes must be clones or something.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on more about his enemies
Every superhero has a wide variety of foes. Here are some of the foes Captain Sarcasm has previously fought:
“Not a collection of everything evil at all. Really.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Evil Pizza
“Becasue this joke has so not been overused.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Your Mom
“Not fought by every superhero at some point in their career.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Dr. Doom
“AAAAAAAAARG”
~ Any Grue on Captain Sarcasm
“Well, no...”
~ Captain Sarcasm on the above quote
“An unoriginal, stupid, poorly thought-out idea.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on the Werevampninzombiebot
(This is the greatest compliment Captain Sarcasm has ever given)
[edit] Biography
Born Calvin OMGLULZFISHROSIEODONNELLMICHELFATTYJAXON!PWN1337~,
“Yeah, I'm really going to tell you my real name.”
~ Captain Sarcasm (Calvin) on his identity
Captain Sarcasm possesed a philosophical mind from and early age. As he growed up, his views turned negative and he began to hone his trademark sarcastic edge. His sarcastic nature manifested into other personality traits: an anger management problem, completely rational mind, ability to see both sides of every arguement, dislike of social interactions, and weird sense of humor. He was the smartest kid in his years of education, but often had many spats with his teachers. He found his calling on the school debate team, as their secret lethal weapon. Although often penalized, he could leave an opponent crying in the corner foaming at the mouth. His yearbook photo (now lost forever) had the caption of "Most likely not to care."
[edit] After High School
After graduating from High School, the man now know as Captain Sarcasm was unsure about college, having developed a bleak view of humanity. He went to Yale for a few months, but left after causing every teacher to go insane from his sarcastic ramblings. For some time after that he tried to be a stand-up comedian. Although he was liked by the general public, he developed many enemies (mostly night club owners and celeberties). Finally deciding to get a real job, he picked superhero by sheer chance. As he developed his sarcastic superpowers, he took on the moniker "Captain Sarcasm."
“The spelling in this article is just top notch!”
~ Captain Srcasm on the exelnt spelin teckneex yoosd bye teh riter
DISCLAIMER: Captain Sarcasm has never served in any military organization to earn the title of "Captain". It is just an alias.
“Isn't it obvious that I own a ship?”
~ Captain Sarcasm on the title of captain
“No...the obvious one is me but I have no ship...”
~ Captain Obvious on above quote
“Oh! I asked you man ... you are REALLY such a GREAT Help!”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Obvious
The costume he developed was a maroon, spandex body suit with silver coloring. he has a few gadgets, like Batman, but in reality all he has is megaphone so he can be heard.
“Don't you like all the pretty pictures in the article that are pictures of me?”
~ Captain Sarcasm on the lack of pictures in this article
[edit] Captain Sarcastic?
When he became a superhero, Captain Sarcasm had troubles with already established superheros. Some, whether they were trying to be sarcastic to a sarcastic person or not, thought that his name was "Captain Sarcastic," which is entirely incorrect. This was a frequent mispronounciation of his name due to its similarity to "Mr. Fantastic" of the Fantasic Four. Apparently, Reed Richards didn't mind.
“I think Captain Sarcastic has a much cooler sound to it than Captain Sarcasm. The -astic suffix gives it a resemblance of "Fantastic".”
~ Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) on Captain Sarcasm
“Yeah... The fact that every part of you stretches has no relation to why your sex life has greatly improved. No relation at all...”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Mr. Fantastic
Even worse, many idiots confused Captain Sarcasm to Sarcastic Boy, some punk sidekick that was probably a geek you never had much of a social life.
“This guy must think he's sarcastic. Either that or REALLY SMART.”
~ Sarcastic Boy on Captain Sarcastic
“This kid must think he really knows a lot about sarcasm. I DON'T see ANY WAY THAT INSULT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER!”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Sarcastic Boy
[edit] Captain Sarcasm's Publications
“This is a list of my comic books and television shows.”
~ Captain Sarcasm on this section
“Sill not ripping off the Captain Obvious article.”
~ another random quote by Captain Sarcasm
 | People named "Captain" |
|
America - Archer - Arrogant - Beefheart - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - Exaggeration - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Harkness - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Jet - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Ultra - Understatement |
