Captain Selfish

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“He's a pretty selfish guy.”

~ Captain Obvious on Captain Selfish

“He's not a very good super hero.”

~ Captain Understatement on Captain Selfish

“Oh, he's a fantastic super hero. No really...SUUUPERB!”

~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Selfish

“I'll do whatever I want, when I want, where I want!”

~ Captain Selfish on himself

This is clearly a picture of Captain Selfish and not a poorly photoshopped image of Superman.

Captain Selfish is one of the most controversial superheroes of today. Many would say that his rude, self-serving and occasionally criminal behavior are clear indicators that he is in fact a supervillian, but since his name clearly has the word "captain" in it, it's quite apparent that he is in fact a superhero and not a douchbag posing as a superhero in the hopes that he can take advantage of the local populace.

His powers include the ability to fly, super strength, and near invulnerability, although there has been a lack of any evidence that he has used these powers to help anyone in dire need, other than the one time that he liberated an armored truck full of money from the tyranny of the bank and relocated the money to a refuge camp that just happened to be located within his apartment. There have been reports that he has done some work for the Salvation Army ringing the bell for donations, but strangely the bucket is always empty when he returns it to them.

Captain Selfish always seems to distance himself from most other superheroes, such as Captain Obvious and Captain Captain. He had a brief friendship with Captain Arrogant, but due to the fact that both men felt that they deserved pretty much everything more so than the other, this friendship soon turned into bitter hatred. Since then, Captain Selfish has been spending his time around Captain Vanity, to whom he feels is slightly less likely to get in the way when he happens to want something.

1 Origins
2 Reputation
3 Political Party
4 Current Activities
5 See Also

[edit] Origins

A short clip of Captain Selfish as a child.

Captain Selfish is the son of the late Captain Generosity, who would donate so much stuff to everyone that they eventually would feel that they were entitled to it. The relationship between the two would usually involve Captain Selfish wanting something and Captain Generosity giving it to him. This continued well until Captain Generosity's death.

It is still unknown to this day as to how Captain Generosity died, but unsubstantiated rumors have been made that Captain Selfish killed his father because his felt he deserved his father's belongings more than his father did.

[edit] Reputation

“It's not my fault that people don't like me after I "liberate" their stuff.”

~ Captain Selfish on his reputation

Thanks for recovering the money those bank robbers stole Captain Selfish...Captain Selfish? HEY! Where're going?!

Captain Selfish's reputation has been on a steady decline over the past few years as growing allegations against him mount. There are many who claim that he has done a great deal of harm to many innocent people, and that he should be punished for his selfish behavior. Allegations against him include:

Charging people in dire need of rescue 50 dollars before he saves them. After doing so, he would then escort these people back to their home where he would tie them up and rob them of their possessions. Those who cannot come up with the 50 dollars are usually forced to cough up any money they can and are then promptly ignored.
Stealing peoples' social security numbers and committing identity theft by obtaining several credit cards to which he would immediately max out.
Stopping a mugger that has taken a woman's purse and keeping the purse for himself.
Not paying his taxes.
Not tipping the waitress after eating at a restaurant.
Skipping town whenever he knocked up a woman.
Hiring Chinese immigrants as laborers at his factory that makes Captain Selfish merchandise, and paying them only a dollar a day, which he keeps for himself as payment for substandard food and shelter.
Just being a jerk.

His reputation reached its lowest point when he was sued by Superman for blatantly stealing the design of his costume. Captain Selfish was quoted as saying "it looks better on me anyway." Court preceedings were fierce as allegations flew from both sides, but Superman was eventually victorious when Captain Selfish's lawyer quit when he was denied payment for his services. Captain Selfish eventually settled outside of court shortly afterwards for an undisclosed amount, however it is rumored that he has still made no payments to Superman to this day.

[edit] Political Party

Captain Selfish is a Democrat.

[edit] Current Activities

“He made me do all the work and left me unsatisfied...”

~ Ex-girlfriend on Captain Selfish

Today Captain Selfish is still at it doing whatever it is that he does best. He currently has over twelve ex-girlfriends and at least eight children that he staunchly denies are his. He generally tries to keep a low profile in public, as his bad reputation has made it difficult for him to get what he desires otherwise. He recently published an autobiography of himself, but many who read it say it is self-serving, misleading, and inaccurate not to mention overpriced.