Capybara Bomb
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Do you have an irrational, yet somehow compelling grudge against all of humanity, or even just some sections of it, like France, for example? Perhaps you have a point to make, but writing letters just doesn't cut it, and a big explosion would really help people to get the idea. If this is you, then see a doctor, you mad fucker the Capybara bomb might be just what you need.
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[edit] The Bomb
The Capybara bomb is a surprisingly successful stealth weapon composed of:
- A capybara
- Dynamite
[edit] The animal
Ah, the capybara, my old friend how you lollop through life, swimming in rivers and snuffling dung, all the while unaware that TERRORISTS! are seeking to use you in their nefarious plans. Never mind. Let's take a closer look at the furry little dope.
The capybara (Capibarious Capibara) is a semi-aquatic herbivorous animal with a brain the size of a tangerine. Full-grown capybarae reach between 105 and 135 cm (40-55 in) in length. They are peaceful, fun-loving creatures that like dancing and poker. They look like giant guinea pigs.
Most importantly, however, the average capybara can safely hold up to 7 sticks of dynamite.
[edit] The dynamite
Any old dynamite will do. Just wash it, shove it in and go.
[edit] Advantages
- Absolutely no one expects that a capybara is going to explode.
- They are very docile and tolerant animals, and surprisingly so when dynamite is being inserted.
[edit] Practicalities
Apart from the Capybara, the only animal bombs used by terrorist organisations are cats and giraffes.
[edit] The cat bomb
The cat bomb has not been much of a success. Try and shove some dynamite in a cat, and it's likely to go mental, ruin your furniture and then explode prematurely as a result.
[edit] The giraffe bomb
While the giraffe can hold a lot more dynamite than a capybara, and is generally philosophical about the whole thing, they are unfortunately much harder to smuggle through customs.
[edit] The Shark Bomb
Sharks are hard to blow up due to the fact that they are smarter than humans and will often blow you up before you blow them up, or they will often eject purplish goo through their gills, making it almost impossible to blow them up. It is also hard to fit a shark tank into a telephone booth, and they often don't explode the object, but rather the tank instead and then they cause bouts of flatulence the ice cream truck to come.
[edit] The Human Bomb
You can also stuff explosives up a human's ass, but using one of your own species would be completely unoriginal. And, it might be hard to shove sticks of dynaimte up someone's ass without then turning around, yelling "WHAT THE FUCK??!??!" and stabbing you in the face.
So, my friend, when considering which animal to convert into a bomb, think capybara.
[edit] Uses
A capybara bomb can be used pretty much anywhere but they are especially useful for TERRORISTS! who hate zoos. The range and damage capabilities of the device are limited to around 1 metre (3.2808399 feet). This is good for blowing up telephone boxes, small cars and litter bins.
If you want to blow up a really big thing, then you'll need more than one capybara. A whole lorry load of capybarae could probably bring down a Wal-Mart, but if you're stopped for any reason, it's going to be really hard to come up with a sufficiently good reason as to why you are driving a consignment of 500 capybarae with dynamite up their asses, to the Wal-Mart.
(Kermit, Ms. Piggy, and that Swedish Guy however, are fair game.)
