Job
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“The new iMovie is so hamburgular! What was Jobs smoking when he released that?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Steve Jobs
“In Soviet Russia, Job quits you!”
~ Russian Reversal on Jobs
“We care a lot!”
~ Faith No More on Jobs
Jobs are things people do between paychecks in order to pass the time. Most of them require you to get up early and/or stay up late. They come in many shapes and sizes depending on the amount of time between paychecks.
There are no jobs.
A job is a seemingly meaningful activity performed for the sole purpose of acquiring bling bling. Since the latter is the stuff that makes the world go round, jobs are believed to be important, even though nobody enjoys them.
At parties, people talk about their jobs to avoid having to state what an utterly boring donkey their conversational partner really is. Jobs can cause RSI, burnout, cubicle claustrophobia, technology related anger, angst, washed-up marriages and a sense of being utterly, utterly, utterly alone in the world that hates you for no apparent reason.
This is the only truth filled article allowed on Uncyclopedia...kill me now please.
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[edit] Examples of Different Jobs
- Blow
- Hebrew Bible
- Hand
- Nose
- Rim
- Gum (for those over 62, kinda like Social Security)
- Steve
- Snow, as in Snow Job, that G.I. Joe guy who hung out in the snow and wore all white. He's pretty cool.
[edit] Ways to get Jobs
- Fill out paper called "resume" (from Latin root "to commence again after started")
- Interview with someone who already has a job
- Casting couch
- Buy someone jewellery, furs, or a car
- Marry mail order whore to provide her with citizenship
- Pay her/him for services rendered
- Give room #215 extra tapioca (for nursing home careworkers only who desire the "gum" category)
- A lot of knee time
- 'Head' Job Gabriels
[edit] Ways to not get Jobs
- When the interviewer asks what qualifies you for the job, tell him that you know all the words to that one rap song that talks about big butts. Proceed to sing it.
- Better yet, answer all questions in the form of a rap.
Interviewer: Where did you go to school?
You: I went-izzle, to the school of hard knocks-izzle, right on Life is Tough Street-izzle, behind You can only trust youself-izzle, avenue-izzle. My name is Mickey-izzle, sizzle, dizzle, bizzle,trizzle, right after the number trizzle comes quardizzle. Peace out! Word!
- Use sexual innuendos.
You: The size of my html on my website is just too big for you. Oh, yeah, baby. You likes thats? You're going to have to hit refresh "ALL night long" on the menu bar on your computer just to view it all. I hope you're updated with the latest in spyware, 'cause I got's some viruses you might just catch.
There is no Keyser Soze.
- Cuss. ALOT. Like every five seconds and mention how good of a president you thought William Henry Harrison was.
Interview: Where did you go to school?
You: I motherfucking went to cocksucking MacArthur shit balls high school, bitch. William Henry Harrison was a good ass president. Motherfuckingly later, I went to college at the fucking Uni-fucking-versity of T-to the fuck-to the exas. William Henry Harrison was in the Mexican war. I'd gobble a goat's balls to get this job. President Harrison's Secretary of State was Daniel Webster. Fuck Daniel Webster.
[edit] The Book of Job
This has to do with religion. It was in a book written by ol' JC himself! In this book, a dapper young buck named Job invents the first job. God (Yahweh for short) is all like WORK THIS 9 TO 5 FOO and Jobba is all like AW HELL NAW and God is all like OH WHOOPS LOOKS LIKE I FRAGGED YOUR CHILDREN and Job is all like
.................... gosh darnit
Then, the story ends!
[edit] Things People do for Money
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