Caribou
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Caribous are dangerous. This is the first and only thing that you need to know about them. Caribou can kill at 20 feet (30 with a good location). On no account approach them. They travel great distances by being flown on loons (actual name, I have it from a friend who goes to Canada), duck-like inhabitants of Canada. They are also known as Reindeer, possibly a Caribou lie to spread confusion.
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[edit] Caribou Dangers
[edit] Confirmed
Caribous are psychic across great distances and are trained in all forms of mental torture from the water drip torture to being forced to listen to Robin Williams songs. They are known vandals of Wikipedia pages and can be shown responsible for most of the vandalisms in the past 200 years of Wikipediadom. They also have laser eye vision. According to Wikipedia, they can weigh up to 300kg and run at up to speeds of 80 km/h. This is, of course, pure bullshit. These numbers are minimums. Caribous only slow down to attack, or lay in wait for an attack. If you see a Caribou, it will have noticed you and you should probably apply to a witness protection scheme. However, Caribous are highly intelligent and you should probably apply cross-species, and live out your life as an innocent canary. It would be better than being mauled by a Caribou. Caribous are also immune to mortal weapons. Caribous themselves, however, are immortal (different to invulnerable).
[edit] Unconfirmed
Although intelligent, there have been no confirmed sightings of a Caribou feigning niceness and then waiting for the kill. By logic, though, this must have happened, for otherwise no one would have gotten away and written about them on Wikipedia with no comment about how mind-numbingly dangerous they are!
[edit] Diet
Caribous feed on a diet of human souls and flesh. They can eat other things in a pinch, but appear to have a particular preference for the humans.
[edit] Defensive Tactics
Due to the mysterious invulnerability of caribous to mortal weapons, a particular tactic is open to us. Quite obviously, it is to attack them with non-mortal weapons. These include, but are not limited to the following: Falling Great Distances, Drowning, Temperature, Rocks, Meteorites and Other Caribous. Due to the conspicuous absence of Lemongrass from Canada, lemongrass warfare has been suggested as an option. Only test this if you happen to be invulnerable or a Caribou.
[edit] Falling Great Distances
Stupid option. You cannot take one in a plane with you or you will be dead. You could try and lure them over a cliff, but there is a flaw in this plan. The Caribou equivalent of red fabric is human souls and flesh. Therefore you will have to be over the cliff or willing to die. Generally both unless you are in a plane but, as previously stated, Caribous and planes are a very dangerous combination.
[edit] Drowning
Caribous can swim almost as fast as they can run. Enough said.
[edit] Temperature
Caribous inhabit the cold climes of Canada and the Arctic Circle. Therefore, you should not try and freeze them. However, heat may be a useful weapon. Try and lure them to a desert if you have enough stamina.
[edit] Rocks
While not mortal, rocks would be ineffective unless you have the upper body strength of, say, a Caribou, and were able to throw giant rocks. Small ones may injure them, but not enough to stop your brutal death.
[edit] Meteorites
The next logical step is a meteorite. They are rocks and fly at high speeds without need to be thrown. These are a preferred weapon for caribou hiding-from-ers.
[edit] Other Caribous
Possibly the most dangerous and inventive method of Caribou hunting. To set one on another, if successful, would result in less caribou. However, if they work out what you are doing, you have many more caribous to worry about.
[edit] Christmas
This is a most distressing occasion. 9 Caribous with the deliberately innocent names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and the infamous Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer land on every house in the known world. The names are presumably to trick infants into a false sense of security. Rudolph's nose may possibly be a laser enhancer. Although there has been speculation on the purpose of Christmas, no-one knows the ineffable plans of these dangerous reindeer.
[edit] Santa Claus
Santa is a human who travels with these reindeer. It is unknown if he is a prisoner of the 9 Caribous, or possibly the most evil man in the world.
[edit] If he is the most evil man in the world
Kill him. Of course, this is difficult, as he is surrounded by 9 Caribous, and he is an anthropomorphic personification and can therefore only be killed by lack of faith. Enclosed is a step by step plan to defeat him. the world will be in your debt.
- Travel to the land of the tooth fairy.
- Kill all inhabitants.
- Collect all teeth you can find into a cone.
- Invoke ancient magic to control the people from whom these teeth have come from.
- Cause them to stop believing in Santa Claus.
- Accept the praise of the entire world.
[edit] If he is a prisoner (highly unlikely)
Rescue him. Again, hard with 9 Caribous eternally guarding him, but meteorite usage ought to dispatch them. Take care not to hit Santa.
[edit] Caribou Attacks
- Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Possibly the most inventive Caribou ever, with an electric chainsaw and a lot of extension cords.
- No other confirmed attacks. Deaths generally put down to mountaineering and suchlike.
Categories: Canada | Animals | Natural hazards | Dangerous | Death | Beasts
