Carl Edwards
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| Boy, You are a Terrible Driver Noy! Is your name by chance uhhh <insert name here>? Heh! Heh! Heh! I'm on Fire! Help Me I'm on Fire! |
The Jee Man Himself has Shown, in His infinite Wisdom, that He is the Ultimate Purveyor of all things Awesome, Nifty, Spiffy, and generally Interesting. He has personally Reviewed this article and Given His Blessing. The submitter may be Forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.
“Oh, man, how I envy that Carl Edwards. I don’t know who the hell he is but he sounds pretty awesome.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Carl Edwards
“I CREATED HIM!! I OWN HIM! The rights to him are MINE!!”
~ Jesus Christ on Carl Edwards
“That Carl Edwards is some character. I guess whoever created him must be living the high life, what, kicking off his shoes each day after work to watch his 80-inch plasma TV and to play his Playstation 3 and X-Box 360 simultaneously… but not the Wii, because the Wii sucks, and whoever created Carl Edwards is a legend.”
~ Captain Obvious on Carl Edwards’s Creator
Carl Edwards is a NASCAR driver created entirely for the purposes of being awesome, not a real person as it would first seem.
Carl Edwards is the most awesome human being ever to grace God’s green Earth. He is a rebel, an entertainer, and an expert at all fields of science. He has never lost a fight. In the battle between Chuck Norris and Mr. T, he stepped in and defeated both!
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[edit] The History of Carl Edwards
Carl Edwards was born in an RPG, but quickly outgrew this and moved up to an FPS. He became skilled in handling guns, and then assassinated Kennedy. He was hired by God as a hit man, whacking Graham Kennedy, Bert Newton, and Seth MacFarlane all in his first day. His career came to an end when, in his last mission to protect Jesus from Hitler, he was called away by nature (wink wink). Jesus died and Hitler had few drinks.
Ashamed, but not for very long, Carl Edwards then went on to create South Park, a show that would make history. Trey Parker and Matt Stone bought the idea of him, and Carl decided to start a new show, Family Guy. He scripted all 500 episodes himself, but sold them to Fox for ten bucks and a few Cuban cigars. Using his newfound creative skills, Carl invented Matt Groening, who would make classic shows like Three’s Company, Hey Hey It’s Saturday and Jim Henson’s Fun Variety Hour (a.k.a “the Muppets.)
Carl was at a high point in is life. His latest achievement has been to implement the Statue of Liberty Destruction Regime, a regime set up to help destroy national landmarks, as well as create a little competition for the Chasers. He now works as part of the Justice League of America, where he is honing his Super Powers and making fun of the communists because they wear funny clothes.
[edit] NASCAR Career
Carl Edwards started his racing career by playing video games, in the Professional Gran Turismo 4 League. He was banned after 8 consecutive seasons where he won every race. He then went on to professional EA Sports NASCAR, Need for Speed, and Project Gotham leagues, winning multiple championships and becoming the greatest player in the history of all three gaming franchises.
Before being banned from all professional video game racing, he was the biggest star in the sport, beating many of Video Game Racing's greatest legends such as Solid Snake, The Highlander, Spongebob, Napoleon Dynamite, and Kyle Petty. When he dropped the F-Bomb live after finishing 18th in a field of 22 gamers one race, he was fined $40000 and suspended from his league for the rest of the season, but there was only 4 races left, so he still had enough points to win the championship. He kept playing games for 20 more years, until nobody had a chance against him, and was permanently expelled from the video game industry.
Despite being banned, he was inducted into the video game hall of fame, for being the greatest Gran Turismo, Need for Speed, Project Gotham, EA Sports NASCAR, Midnight Club, and Grand Theft Auto player ever.
He had a burning desire to win races, though, so he started racing actual race cars. It didn't take long for him to get his first NASCAR win. Here is the story of that win:
After being infinitely banned from professional gaming, he got so angry at the biased, liberal media who claimed that he cheated (which, ironically, he was the only player who never EVER used a cheat code) that he drove a race car full of nuclear powered grenades into the MTV executive office. Instead of killing him, the radiation just gave him the power to make race cars fly. After seeing the dire lack of fast cars in NASCAR, he decided to give it a shot, not knowing the full exent of his powwers yet. He entered the world of NASCAR in the middle of the season, and despite missing half the races, he won all but one of the remaining 25 races, and the championship. The race he lost was the one where he finished second to Chuck Norris. When he is not kicking Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart's asses out on the race track, he is usually out pwning the losers who just sit at home and play Halo 2 on XBOX 360 and edit Encyclopedia Dramatica all day.
[edit] Carl and Famous People
[edit] Carl Edwards and Godzilla
Carl Edwards knows Godzilla very well. Rumors are they went to high school together, but this is untrue as Carl Edwards needed no education. They used to be flatmates while Carl was living in an apartment in Nevada. When Godzilla was called away to destroy Tokyo, Carl left the apartment. When Godzilla returned, he was shocked to find Carl was no longer living there. The truth is, Carl and Godzilla are good friends, but they don’t return each others calls or wash each others dishes… anymore.
[edit] Carl Edwards and Chuck Norris
Carl Edwards loves a good fight, often resorting violence at the drop of a hat. In one of his better battles, Carl squared off against Chuck Norris, the poor man’s Sylvester Stallone, who is believed to be the manliest man alive dues to a small Internet following. In his battle against the original Texas Ranger, Carl was given a gun – bad idea, as Carl is extremely well adjusted to using firearms. Norris went down at the first second, after breaking out into a sweat and collapsing due to the shock of being in the presence of Carl Edwards. Norris and Edwards are now good friends, but Norris lives in fear that Edwards will strike from under his bed and kill him.
[edit] Carl and the Chimera
He came. He saw. He slaughtered. ‘Nuf said.
[edit] Carl and Darth Sidious
For a brief period in 1980, Carl was one of Darth Sidious’s possible Apprentice’s. However, when it came time to pick an apprentice, Darth Sidious forgot to put on his contact lenses and picked Darth Vader because he was big and black. Carl was far superior to Vader, but due to being surrounded by the light of his own awesomeness, Carl was never seen. Interesting story, actually – Jar Jar was a potential Apprentice but Vader killed him at the front door. Carl had nothing to do with the atrocious new Star Wars trilogy (that’s the one without Ronald Reagan.) He did, however, send some nice hate mail to George Lucas.
[edit] Carl and the Grue
I don't know how the fuck this happenned. All I know is, a Grue tried to kill Carl Edwards - needless to say, it succeeded! OMG!! But Carl was reborn. It was still pretty scary because... OMFG, a Grue!! Look out!! AUUGGHHH!!!! Uh I'm dead now.
“You just got owned, foo'!”
~ Mr. T on Carl and the Grue
[edit] Carl in Fiction
Since Carl is a fictional character, you’d be surprised how many references to him have come up in the past few months!! For instance, some n00b from Uncyclopedia did an article about him. But that’s not all – he also participated in the Olympics!! Though someone may need to cite that source because I.P.Freely doesn’t sound like a very reliable source.
[edit] Relationships
Carl has never been involved in a serious relationship in any way. Some claimed that he had a homosexual attraction to one of the Beatles once, but it was not true, since he is too awesome and tough to be gay, and besides, the only guy who ever had sex with more women than Carl Edwards was Chuck Norris himself. He was involved in the O.J. Simpson Trial, as the defendant’s spiritual guide, but again this relationship didn’t last too long. He went out with Paris Hilton for three months, but after posing nude for her in their French love nest, she broke up.
Because of this humiliation, Carl wrote the Life in Hell comic strip featuring Akbar and Jeff that confronted nudity. The comic strip ‘’Life in Hell’’ then sunk underground and never came back up, mostly because it wasn’t even remotely funny and because it was by Three’s Company creator Matt Groening.
[edit] Trivia You May Not Want To Know, But Should
- Carl Edwards loves in-jokes. Jokes like how Matt Groening thinks that Family Guy stole The Simpsons book of jokes.
- Carl Edwards also loves penguins. Killing them, that is.
- Carl Edwards also loves Oscar Wilde quotes, because they’re so damn funny!! Who is Oscar Wilde, anyway, and why is he all over Uncyclopedia?
- As you know, Carl Edwards is a fictional character created by the government to implant into Uncyclopedia, until he has such a following he replaces Oscar Wilde, Captain Obvious and all the other standard in-joke material that makes you laugh for 49 times then the 50th time its just plain boring.
