Carl "CJ" Johnson
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| Black Jesus be down wit' dis sheeeet! Yo Yo Yo! Wut' it iz mutha fucka! Carl "CJ" Johnson iz like da bomb. |
“...”
~ Claude Speed on Carl Johnson
“He's just another typical black hooligan...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Carl "CJ" Johnson
“This nigger can swim while I drown like a bastard”
~ Tommy Vercetti on Carl Johnson
“You bet yo' sweet ass I'm the king of the mutherfuckerin' niggas!”
~ Carl Johnson on his Grove Street Family Gangs
“Gimme them duckets”
~ Carl Johnson on bring back 90's statements
“Carl, my little-ass brother nigga, you need some practice to swear strongly, just like your older brother.”
~ Sean "Sweet" Johnson on Carl "CJ" Johnson
“Yo, man, Wha we don't see dem fuckin' Denise a'ight.”
~ Me on Carl Johnson
“EEEEEEJ Nemoj jebat me jednog dana kada tada ja ću sjebat te...”
~ Edo Maajka on Carl Johnson and 50 Cent
“Carl, my bitch-ass-running-dog, let yo' older brother teach you how to be down.”
~ Sweet on CJ again
Carl "CJ" Johnson is the king of all black people (formely known as niggers in San Andreas) in San Andreas. He swears 24/7, he is always down (oftenly crouching) he goes on a killing spree, and he has former cars, gangs and weapons. He likes to play pool and gamble in the casino, but he sometimes gets in debts so some boys come out and shoot him. But, CJ is a gangsta so he kills them all in a second. He likes to change clothes much, put on tatooes and go to his old buddies, Old Reece and Emmet, who are crazy old retards to everyone but him. He appreaciates hood, has street loyalty and pays visit to old buddies. This is 21 century, buddy, don't be like-a-RETARD.
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[edit] His Life
His life was slim, despite his mother's girth. His first word was "duck", in an unsuccessful attempt to refer to his brother Sweet as a "duckedy-duck duck". His brother, Sweet Johnson, is a big fan of rock candy and baton twirls. Carl then must find a great place to work out in three different cities; Los Santos, San Fierro, and Las Venturas. After doing so, and taking over all of San Andreas as well, CJ now wanders the streets of Los Santos in nothing but his underwear and a Helmut. Those who have pass by him on the street ask him where he works out. And then, sunshine for him is to be seen. (I don't mean Sunshine Corleone, from Godfather). He stole a pimp car, became the biggest pimp in San Andreas and started pimping. He got money he dealed to his brother Sweet (formerly known as Sweatheart) and homies from Grove Street Families (formerly known as Graved Meat Foolmilies). But, he doesn't put flowers on Ryder's and Big Smoke's (formerly known as Big Fry's) graves because they betrayed him. A rapper Madd Dogg became the part of Grove Street as a gangsta. How could he befriend CJ when CJ massacrily, savagely killed his manager by drowning him so hard, monstruos and brutally, and his bitch? He just saved the motherfucker for killing himself. DOOOWN! DOOOWN, DOOGGY! DOOOWN YOU AND YOOOUR VOOOOICE! He can be founded at the dance club trying so hard to win some girls.
Apparently, he is never good at scoring chicks. The last time he tried so hard to ask Denise out for a date, he was dumped as he saw Denise dating a Ballas member. He was so pissed off that he forgot to ask Sweet how to date with girls. He dates with another person, Millie Perkings. Apparently, he'll have to wear a "Gimp" suit in order to bang with her. If he wore an outfit, she would give "CJ" a big fat "NO!". There are three girls in the streets of San Andreas, but they always tell him what to wear, what not to wear, where to go, etc, etc. CJ was also dating some cop girl, kung fu bitch, mechanic and Lara Croft, but they want him have skinny arms and giant stomach. All CJ can do now is cry for killing his homie Big Smoke before asking him about his weight secret.
[edit] Personality
Being a black-ass nigger is not always easy. In fact, Carl Johnson always makes his way to kill anyone who stands in his way, carjack fast cars, and steal powerful weapons from the military base. After saving a bitch from the fire, she wanted to have sex on him. And the Mexican bitch, Ballerrina, she insults CJ every day and now ran with Speed, but CJ liked to pleasure her orally, although she tortured him with a rack. He lost his skill at a video game by Woozie (whom he is blind, but is also a former 1337) and is always mentally confused with Ran Fa Li's grunts, you know, niggaz are stupid as a fuck. Also CJ listens to Young Maylay's music and knows every song. He even stabs every dope dealer in Santos with a chainsaw if they think he raps bad.
[edit] Special powers
He is the master of the Pimp Slap Of Death which he useses on his bitches to gain more sex appeal.He is also a master of Tri dith su which makes Neo look like a N00b . He can also kick sith ass and he owns a collection of lightsabers. He also owns a set of blaster pistols and rifles which shoot lasers and has a laserball Bazooka. Also, his Termal Detonator makes damage in 1,000,000 kilometres so he never uses it. Once he used it in a desert so far from town. But, his special powers of living prevented him from dying, but his Jedi base academy, one in Verdant Meadows is pretty smashed up. That's why people mistake it for "abandoned airstrip", even Mike Toreno, the smart ass mistaked. CJ knew all its secret passages and he had Jedi servants down there.
[edit] His Jedi Career
Although CJ is a nigga, punk-ass-bitch and a gangsta, CJ is a Jedi. He's the one who taught Abdul-Ahmid-Hamir-Hasan-Famid VIII, the first Jedi in the world his tecniques. Famid learned Pimp Slap of Death. CJ took his own Jedi Academy in Verdant Meadows and teaches some young students to be Jedi Knights. His main weapon, lootswoober has the power of fire, earth, water and air, and can use as electronic flashlight. CJ has the collection of dicks, which he chopped off his rivals: Tommy "Vercettinstein" Vercetti, Claud "The Mute Snake Without a Tongue Asshole" Speed, Niko "European Motherfucker" Bellic and Toni "Italiano Bitch" Cipriani. He didn't touch Mike and other rivals because they were poor. Also, he used Electro-Vibrator-Dickie-Skin-Attach to have sex with Denise and Ballerrina better. He made lots of kids: Loose Spiralslacker, Oboo-Truck Kenrosie, Palpa-Teen Jomlinson and Gary Cooper. He adopted also Abdul-Ahmid-Hamir-Hasan-Famid VIII. But, he soon died when he pissed and saw a hot chick. His dick raised and he swallowed whole bunch of it. What an idiot.
[edit] Sweet Johnson
Sweet Johnson is the big nigga brother of "CJ" Johnson. He Pratically attempts to teach him how to use the word "fuck". Although he always uses the word fuck many times, Carl "CJ" Johnson would never overestimate Sweet Johnson, since he has more cars than "CJ" Johnson himself. Both "CJ" and Sweet became both king of all mutherfuckerin' niggas in San Andreas, along with his Grove Street families, but then Sweet fucks Denise and the band Bad Copy breaks off. Also, CJ massacrily kills Denise for buying stupid pimp suit instead of newest PCJ 600 and same-type helmet AND for dating some Balla fuck who pretends to be a kinder person than CJ is. It is also known that Ballas are gay pussies because they wear pink, aka purple colors.
[edit] Other niggas/homies/pimps
- Ryder: A natural black nigga and always teasing on CJ who calls him a "raggedy-ass motherfucker". Apparently, he's always high and wants to be part of the fuckin' GSF. However, due to the betrayal of the gangs, he get motherfuckerin' killed by CJ who now calls him a "pomponous asshole". His real name is Motherfuckerish-Scumbag-Ass-Bitchie-Bitherman-Bitch-Asshole-Fuck Fucker-Fuckie-Traitor-Bithie-Ditchie-Critchie. Since nobody remembers his name, they call him Ryder.
- Big Smoke: The "big" "friend" "with" the "complex" "name" "made up" of "two" "words" that can gain weight up to 700 fuckin' pounds. He never stops eating and boy, that nigga can sure eat about anything besides cars and pedestrians. But since he betrays CJ, he now owns a "Crack Palace" (WTF is a Crack Palace anyway?! We already have palaces in India, but on San Andreas?!) and he was killed massacrily by Carl by literaly tearing out his 8 million remains in his stomach. Ewww.
- Officer Frank Tenpenny: This bad-ass corrupt Police officer who is always nosing on CJ and always willing to do anything to take this nigga down whenever he wants to. After many failed attempts, he becomes ballistic and he really wants CJ out of the motherfuckerin' picture for good, but get crushed by his own firetruck when he falls right down onto Cj's hood, and kills himself with injuries he has. He is actually voiced by Samuel L. "MOTHAFUCKIN" Jackson . Who is also a pimp and a gangsta
- Cesar Vialpando: This caucasian homie gets more "cojones" than the other gangs. Apparently, the GSF tried their way to sweet talk the Aztecas, until their asses have been capped by Cesar's gangs.
- Sean "Sweet" Johnson: as the leader of the GSF, he not only tries to avoid the drugs, but also tries to speak in "nigger" language to the his gangs. It fails to work however, but to CJ, he's far more worse.
- Woozie (Wu Zi Mu): As a memeber of the San Fierro Triads, he is always a cool, blind person. It is revealed that he is a former l33t as he beat CJ in video games, despite being blind, making CJ look like a n00b in video games. Also, Woozie owns whole bunch of Daredevil comics, so he learned to know what he's eating without eating it just hearing its Power-Ultrapurple-Rectangle-Shaped-Sounds.
- Jizzy: A pimp who owns a club in San Andreas, not just a nigga. He jizzes around with his bitches, and gives CJ some chores to do, let's CJ jizz around the place, until one day. CJ threatens to de-jizzify Jizzy with a pistol after making CJ fall right into his trap. Jizzy tries to escape CJ with his pimpmobile, until CJ successfully de-jizzifies him by using a bazooka. Cj now owns Jizzy's club and now it's CJ's turn to get jizzy with his bitches.
[edit] Gangs
- GSF (Graved Meat Fools): Nigga gang led by Sweet, the natural nigga and CJ, again natural nigga. B Dup was in the gang before, the not-natural nigga.
- Ballas: Formerly known as Ball-And-Loop-Loop-And-Suckballs, but shortened it to Ballas. They're enemies of GSF and their leader is Kane, WWE wrestler.
- Vagos: They were first named Fuckin' Schmucks, but then Big Priest came, took over the gang and renamed it Vagos. They're now trying to take Madd Dogg's mansion from Madd Dogg.
- Varrio Los Aztecs: Cesar Vitalpanda's gangs. They are all skeletons, because Aztecs died many decades ago.
- San Fierro Triads: Gang of chinese kung fu heroes, travelling casinoes, gambling dens and circuses in order to help Superman to defeat evil Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon with ripped faces of Salvatore Leone, Johnny Sindacco and Sonny Forelli!
[edit] Ballas
Ball-And-Loop-Loop-And-Suckballs is full name of Ballas. Ballas gang is led by famous wrestler Kane, who retired after he lost to special guest Cody Rhodes without landing a single hit. He tried to do his special move, Choke Fuck, but he couldn't when Cody did his special move Cody Bomb. Kane now lives in Ballas gang who share Santos with Vagos and Graved Meat Fools.
Ballas wear pink colors and they openly said they're gay pussies. Of course, everybody believes them because of Harold the Homeboy, homosexual drug dealer that messes up in Ballas hood. Ballas also push dope, and liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike cocaine. And IIIIIII don't liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike my letter IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII no more, cause iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's fucked up and iiiiiiiiiiiiiit needs some repaiiiiiiiiiiiiirs.
[edit] CJ Customization
What's so special about CJ is that you can customize his give him mustache, goatee, give him afro, conrows, Jheri Curls, or even bald. You can also train CJ to raise his bike skills by using a special bike with a set of trainign wheels in order for him to become better at cycling. Once his skills are reached into max, he then can participate in the BMX competitions.
On Motorbikes, you'll need to give a special small bike especially made for CJ in order to teach him wheelies, stoppies, etc. Once his bike skills are reached to the max, he'll be like the nigga version of Ghost Rider, going speed at 200 mph, whizzing by the fire. A Bike school can be founded in San Andreas to help CJ raise his skills.
On Planes, you'll need to take him to flying school in the deserts to make him liook like a CapitalOne pilot, like teaching him how to fly helicopters, airplanes, biplanes, gyroplanes, etc.
On Cars, you can give him a mini 4x4 car in order for him to raise his skills for him to drive a fancy sports car. Now the ladies willl love him.
On Boats, give CJ a wooden boat with a paddle in order for him to stroke his skills to the max. Now he can drive a Jet Ski to surf around the seas or give him a submarine so that he can say "Holla!" to the sharks and dolphins.
There are limitless possibilities to do with CJ. You can make him eat a 4 pounder burger to either make him like a sumo gangsta, or making sure you are feeding him right. At the gym, you can make CJ have strength and beat the crap out of other boxers to make sure he's the true "King of the Ring". You can also raise his "pimp skills" by taking hookers to any destination. This will make them chicks love CJ more, now that he is the true pimp.
[edit] Cesar The Vitalpanda
Cesar is a tatooed-Nano 1.1 Version of Bob the Car Builder and CJ's homie. He likes racing with snails and always loses, because that cholo fool doesn't know Los Santos snails are full of nitrous. Cesar owns a pink lowrider named Happy Tree Friends Rainbow Monkey Cart which doesn't have any nitrous, but has some rainbow monkeys in it so it can bounce.
Cesar is the fucker of CJ's sistah Kendl, the gipsy bitch. She's best friends with Denise Robinson Crusoe, who is currently the sucker of CJ's stick dick. He is also known for his romance towards three friends Gal, Hazer and Sunny.
[edit] CJ's gangstas and the hood
CJ has an army of gangstas, called Grave Meat Fools or GSF. They obviously think they are cucumbers because of their green clothes. Also, fat ones mistake themselves for watermelons because of green outside and red inside.
CJ lives in cul-de-sac and his best friends are Ed, Edd and Eddy. Some of the names from GSF are Kevin, Naz, Sarah, Jimmy and more. Their enemies are Ballas Sisters, but everybody calls them Kankers just to anger them to make a termo-nuclear gang war. But GSF will always win, because CJ is invincible and he owns a jetpack. He would never let Truth a jetpack because Truth will start shooting all over the place like a maniac and even kill his Families.
