Carlos Tévez
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[edit] Man United
Tevez joined the Manchester United as he realised his ambitions for being the fattest footballer in the premiership were never certain with the likes of frank fatty lampard and Dean ashton first in line in the pecking order. At his new club he enjoyed his goal scoring as much as his dinners bagging a respectful 13 goals and 1333329258 ready made meals.
[edit] Background
Carlos Tevez was born in Argentina, where football is the law. You get shot if you don't play. Lucky for him, his parents were law experts, and as a youngster, he had a big advantage over other kids because he was able to preside over local matters of legal conflict, and also because he was a fairly crap player. He was burned by Wayne Rooney at the age of five with a broken hairdryer, hence the scarring to his stupid neck.
[edit] Early Doors
Boca Juniors were the first to notice his special talent at the age of 13, when it was found that he has 4 extra toes and several extra bones in each foot that make them symmetrical and thus ambidrextous with his feet. He made his debut 4 years later, under the stage name "Alan Duck", which is what his cruel teammates branded him when they learned of his mallard-like feet. Of course, this was pure jealousy, and "Daffy" responded in the only way he knew how: By scoring 83 goals in his first 6 games, a feat only since equalled by Marlon "Gumba" Harewood, formerly of West Ham and now at West Midlands Village.
[edit] Corinthians
After catching a glimpse of Tevez in action on "Football Mundial" on Sky Sports, super-agent and right-hand man of Satan Kia Joorabchian made a deal with his parents that basically made Tevez a slave of Joorabchian's. As well as giving him 90% of his income, Tevez was forced to dance around Joorabchian's luxury apartment wearing nothing but a kilt in the colours of Alan Brazil's family tartan. Tevez felt particularly humiliated by this, as "Alan Brazil" shared the first name of his moniker at Boca Juniors, "Alan Duck", a memory he had been forever tortured by.
At first, the Corinthians fans didn't take well to the "mallard from Fuerte Apache", but their affections were soon turned when he was able to do a thousand keep-ups with Pele's balls. And by balls, I mean testicles, and by testicles, I mean testicles. And by testicles, I mean ball that he owned from the world cup final in 1970. Rebranded the "mallard from the gates of hell", "Captain Ducky O'Tevez" helped the once great ancient Greek federation of states land a surprise league and cup double.
[edit] West Ham
Joorabchian's efforts to hoover up every last penny in the world of football had hit something of a standstill after he successfully obtained the economic rights to every player, club and fan in South America. Keen to exploit the wealthier (and stupider) European football market, he began pimping his two prize assets, Tevez and Javier Mascherano, around every major European club, and West Ham.
Despite an unhealthy prevalence of stupidity and greed amongst those in power at the big clubs, most of them were unhappy with Joorabchian's terms. ("Give me £££££££££££, I give you Tevez; perhaps for half a season, or until your club goes bankrupt"). It was rumoured that Joorabchian was to offer Tevez to Leeds Utd first, but MI5 prevented this, as it was thought that the prescence of Joorabchian and Ken Bates in the same room could cause Hell to be raised up and trigger a somewhat unwelcome apocalypse.
Tevez and Mascherano eventually signed for West Ham, and celebrated with Alan "Champions League" Pardew. Initially, both struggled to adapt to having lumps kicked out of them in The Most Exciting League In The World; consequently, Mascherano was ruled out for 3 months with Chronic Sulking, while Pardew had the nous to use Tevez as an Unnamed Substitute on many occasions. It was clear at this stage that Pardew had his heart set on joining Charlton, either by maintaining the Hammers relentless shit streak, culminating the dream double relegation of West Ham AND Charlton, or by getting the sack and then munting off to the Charlton Relegation Party 2007. Eggert "Biscuit Man" "Brain" "Egg" Magnusson unsurprisingly opted for the latter, and subsequently appointed loveable London taxi driver Alan Curbishley as manager. Magnusson's theory that "money solves all problems" slightly conflicted with the notions that "Matthew Upson is always injured" and "Nigel Quashie has been relegated from the Premiership with four different clubs", and the club's premiership status remained in the balance.
Joorabchian's relentless pimping continued into the Januray 2007 transfer window, which saw Mascherano move to pastures Mersey when he stopped sulking long enough to request a transfer. Realising that Mascherano's economic goose had flown, Joorabchian agreed to terminate his "economic rights" (a euphemism for illegal third party ownership), and the Monster Masch joined on loan from Joorabchian with a view to a permanent deal. Tevez, however, remained firmly on the leash. When Curbishley realised that a good way of avoiding relegation was to actually play your best player on a regular basis, the Hammers were transformed from one of the most staggeringly awful premiership sides in history (Howard Wilkinson's Sunderland included) to the greatest one-man team since Jeremy Goss successfully beat Bayern Munich on his own in the 1994 UEFA cup.
With West Ham's survival dependent on beating Manchester United at Old Trafford on the last day of the season, the task seemed to be beyond even the "duck-billed bladder puss"; however with one eye on the forthcoming FA cup final against Chelsea, Sir Alex Ferguson forced his team to play with their hands tied behind their back in order to avoid injury. Tevez scored the only goal of the game, and celebrated by taking a large dump on Edwin Van der Sar's chest, thereby marking his territory and sending the first signal of his intention to move to the North West in the close season. This footage is generally omitted from the match highlights on the grounds that Michael Carrick was severely overpriced.
[edit] Man Utd Transfer Saga
As soon as the English domestic season finished, speculation as to Tevez's next destination was rife. Whilst Tevez had made it blindingly obvious in the last match of the season that he wanted a move oop north, that didn't stop the press from reporting him as saying, "[xxxxx] are great club, with a great tradition. A move to [xxxxx] would be in my best interests," (for [xxxxx], read every major European club). Once again, the quandary involving Joorabchian's illegal slave-ownership proved a hindrance, and only after Joorabchian shared a bottle of red wine with Alex Ferguson did a move look likely.
Sadly for AF and KJ, West Ham currently "owned" Carlos Tevez. Of course, "owned" is such a vague term. Who really "owns" anything anyway? These were Joorabchian's arguments to the Premier League, as he tried to force through a transfer. West Ham maintained that they were no longer breaking Premier League rules (something which they'd done in ignorance of course - therefore it can't be considered cheating and thus why they weren't deducted points), and since taking this stance, any change would be a damning indictment of their continued cheating, and so they will see this thing through to the bitter end. Best case scenario - Tevez stays at West Ham but they get relegated. Worst case scenario - Tevez goes to Manchester United, and West Ham and Joorabchian scoop bucketloads of cash.
[edit] Possible solutions
With no end in sight, and even Sepp Blatter called in to investigate proceedings (like that will help), more outlandish solutions to the problem have been considered. Joorabchian suggested cutting Tevez in half, though it is not thought this will prove highly effective. Scientists at Man Utd have suggested cloning Tevez, though where dopplegangeres and third party ownership are concerned, things get even more messy than before.
[edit] Lack of caring
Carlos is soooo not interested in whatever you have to say. Instead of saying whatever, Carlos merely has to say "tevez". Like how Brazilian football players names are actually nicknames, Argentinian footballers are named by their catchprase.
