Carmine

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“Hey, look how many ladies Carmine gets. Maybe I should start wearing a face-obscuring helmet, too...”

~ The Master Chief on Carmine's appearence

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about God.

Anthony Carmine is the main and only straight character in the Xbox 360 game Gears of War. He became famous for being the most evolved character in video game history, having a deep backstory, genuine and convincing personality as well as a pwnage factor of 349(x'2)+3. Seeing as He is "killed" numerous times during the game, He is believed to hold the cure against death.

Carmine, the great Lord of War.

1 Character History
2 Carmine in Gears of War
3 Additional Contributions and Information
4 Possible alter egos
5 Multiplayer Usage
6 Fun Facts
7 Carmine "Deaths"
8 See also

[edit] Character History

Carmine became sentient at October 4, 420 A.D. His origins are unknown; however, it is rumored that He is the bastard son of Darth Vader.

Carmine has been present in every war that has ever happened. All Greek and Roman mythology with ancient war and gods involved Carmine in some form or another. Carmine later on became the fall of Rome because He just decided to go to sleep for 200 years.

When Darth Vader trained the Force-Reincarnated Carmine in the ways of the Sith from a young age, Carmine's lightsabre was a modified Wiimote. Vader hoped to use him as a weapon to defeat the Rebel Alliance, but Carmine had other plans.

After turning on His old master and destroying the Death Star (beating its engine to dust with the handy torpedo Luke sent down), Carmine enlisted as a Gear, where He met Lieutenant Oscar Wilde and began pillaging the native Locust citizen's villages. In retaliation the Locust became miners and stumbled upon and ancient energy source known as Bawls. Super energized, the Locust began avenging their lost civilization.

[edit] Carmine in Gears of War

When the now- vicious Locust moved out of their cities, conquered planet Sarah's core and began their war on humanity, most of the aforementioned humanity was so fat that the mere thought of being invaded caused them to die from heart-attacks. Those who survived were forced to fight back.

When Marcus Fenix and his group of super-massive body armored homies were given the quest to take the one ring to Sarah's core in order to destroy Halo and banish the Locust from the realm of Middle-Earth, Carmine joined Delta Squad. However, He soon realized that His companions were so useless that even Carmine in His mortal form would be unable to make the quest successful, and allowed Himself to have his brains blown out. Doing so allowed Him to leave his mortal state and become what He was destined to be. Taking his rightful place as demi-god of awesome, He watched over Marcus and his men and led them to victory (thus explaining the Hammer of Dawn, which could be used to summon Carmine's wrath). The Hammer's mighty starting burst isn't the satellite - it is caused by Carmine blinking at the enemy.

(SPOILERS)Delta Squad's final victory (the large explosion destroying the Locust tunnels) is made possible by Carmine reincarnating underground and removing His helmet.(END SPOILERS)

Carmine's only weakness is the prerendered cutscene. This is proven by the fact that Carmine can be downed numerous times during single-player gameplay, but never completely dies. However, He dies from one shot to the head in a cutscene (completely voluntarily, of course). This shot to the head was in fact Dom, "testing if his safety catch was on" (which it wasn't). Dom slyly shoots Carmine in the head, and looks away when everyone else looks at Carmine. In a deleted cutscene, Dom is court marshalled for team killing. The judge sentenced everyone in the court room to submit negative rep about him, which of course doesn't do anything. As an additional sentence, he became the jerk character of the COG, ranking above Baird and his faked self-esteem.

[edit] Additional Contributions and Information

One of His most known acts is when he saved the village of London in 812 A.D. from the ravaging Apocalypse Pony that had haunted the town for ages. After brutalizing the beast with one-liners, He carved a helmet from the bones of his fallen opponent and obtained His trademark helmet. Today, nobody knows what He truly looks like. Some believe that seeing His visage will shatter your soul. Rumor has it that it looks like Greenland.

Carmine proceeded to invent a series of badass combat moves, including the curb stomp, disembowelment and the infamous "Carminator" where He pretends to be shot in the head by a sniper, but actually phases into the elemental fire plane, where He does 1d20 damage to whoever shot Him. He also created the knee-shot-curb-stomp combo breaker and that thing Van Damme does too often where he does the splits and punches the guy in the balls (but he does it all wrong. As soon as Carmine begins to propel His fist, it actually occupies the same spot in space as His opponent's nuts, deleting them from existence).

It is a well-known fact that The Stig (Top Gear) and the Master Chief are close relatives of Carmine. Jack Bauer has also been genetically proven to be Carmine's great great great grandfather or something.

Carmine has unparalleled aiming skills. This is proven when he askes if Marcus is "the Marcus Fenix". Altough the camera does not show, He takes a few pot shots from the helicopter, killing a Brumak with each shot.

Carmine has the ability to produce Shadow Clones. Since He is a Jedi, He has unlimited chakra, so He can make as many Shadow clones as He wants without getting tired or taking a break. Several of these can be found in multiplayer.

Carmine is also known to have caught all nine thousand Pokemon, including Steve Ballmer, and has henceforth completed His pokédex.

[edit] Possible alter egos

Someone upon seeing Carmine's true form.

Nobody knows what Carmine looks like. As such, many rumors surround His persona. One popular theory that has since been shut down is that Carmine is the Master Chief in disguise, as no normal human can singlehandedly destroy an alien civilization. Another theory is that He is the son of Chuck Norris or even Chuck Norris himself, filming a future episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Carmine was once asked to further explain His past or at least verify these rumours in an interview. He simply responded: "Nah," and killed The One.

Other possible alter egos include V from V for Vendetta, Sergeant Johnson, Mr. T, Jesus, Kenpachi Zaraki, Abraham Lincoln, and Sir Lancelot. None have been confirmed or denied by Carmine. He is also rumoured to be the Darkness, as His super evil half needed a break.

Some people managed to trick the camera angle into seeing underneath Carmine's helmet, what they discoverd was Lt. Kim. Many poeple have come to the conclusion that Carmine is simply Lt. Kim wearing a helmet, but further studies show He merely wears a Kim replica mask/neckguard to control the awesome power underneath.

[edit] Multiplayer Usage

Only pros use Carmine online because it is scientifically proven that pros like to play better than other people. However, on the rare occasion he is played by one is of the very few truly elite people in the world, Carmine will automatically win the game for you, give you a reassuring pat on the back and slap your bitch second cousin.

The cost of playing as Carmine, however, is incredibly high. Few will survive his wrath in the event that they lose. None will survive in the event that they win.

Carmine is highly skilled at shooting, dodging, not dying, sniping, not sniping, rolling, running, taking cover, and reloading. However, there is one thing he can not do, ever: lose.

Patches

A patch relased via xbox live on MAY 1st 2008, enabled a whole new chapter in story mode called "The Carmine Chronicles" this small add on (containing two aditional missions) had been in work by epic studios for fourteen years. Upon unleashing "The Carmine Chronicles" to the public however, any gamer that downloaded the patch (only 2000,000 Microsoft Credits) had problems installing it, and the people that managed to install it had major epileptic fits. On May 2nd Microsoft had to withdraw the patch from the xbox live marketplace, on behalf of america's health and saftey laws.

[edit] Fun Facts

How Carmine shows up to parties.

Carmine can form a bulletproof shield around him akin to RAAM's, except with women. This does not occur in-game because Anya is the only girl the COG squad meets.
Carmine speaks entirely in internet shorthand. The campaign subtitles are abridged.
Carmine is also known as the only person having survived Voldemort's Killing Curse, and immediately pimp-slapping the noseless dickhole.
Carmine is the fourth Sannin.
Carmine is two of the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse.
He plays bench for the other two.
Carmine got an offer for Halo, but turned it down due to the lack of cursing in the script. This would explain why nobody gives a shit about Halo's dialogue.
Carmine has been known to have a fear of ninjas. But this is merely a rumor created by Carmine himself to goad more ninjas to fight him, akin to Chuck Norris' pirate thing. (HOLY CRAP! Not even Chuck Norris can kill him! Now thats what I call a B.A.!!)
Carmine was an original member of the Four Seraphim back when they were named Earth Wind and Fire, but left due to creative differences with the almighty Disco King.
Carmine has been killing Grues since the age of 2.
Carmine invented reality.
Carmine managed to stop the bloody feud between Gordon Freeman and Master Chief for a total of twelve minutes by sitting them down for a peace eclair before re-igniting the rivalry for his amusement.
Carmine has had the "Kick the Bucket" achievement since the dawn of time.
Carmine not only worships, but IS the FSM, proving he is a God.
Carmine Kills it With Fire
Contrary to popular belief, Carmine was indeed expecting the Spanish Inquisition.
Carmine does recreational arm-wrestling with Cthulhu.
Carmine doesn't sleep - he waits.
Carmine can beat "Through Fire and Flames" on Expert. With the sound turned off. With his eyes closed. With the lefty flip turned on. And he's right handed.

[edit] Carmine "Deaths"

Carmine has been seen taking mortal wounds to the head, pelvis, and testicles without a scratch. This section will explain Carmine's uncanny ability to survive.

Carmine was the COG soldier unharmed during the crashing of the Raven. He was sleeping when the Stranded came around.
Carmine is seen with his team mates during the Berserker scene. Carmine refuses to hide like a pussy like the rest of the team did 'cause "Momma didn't raise no fool". Carmine encounters the Berserker, who begins to threaten him. Carmine laughs and shows the beast his dick, which is so large, the Berserker proceeds to eat herself. Leaving behind his armour and some bits of the Beserker, he escapes to a 7-11, where he eats free because he knows the owner.
Carmine is seen being dragged through the locust tunnels and is shot in the face by RAAM. Alas, Carmine has no face, so he was not injured.