Carnies
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“Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.”
~ Austin Powers on Carnies
“Ths article is all about Carnies”
~ Captain Obvious on Carnies
“Carnies” is a term used to identify a group of lesser circus folk who own, run, or work at cheap traveling carnivals.
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[edit] Identifying a Carnie
Carnies have few skills and even fewer teeth. They are usually always dirty and very smelly because they have no means of washing themselves, nor do they want to. A carnie will have brown or gray hair that is grimy and disheveled, and thinks that “shampoo” is that big dolphin over in Sea World. Carnies will always wear four layers of clothing, regardless of the fact that it’s 112 degrees in the shade, because “you never know when it’ll get cold”. At least one of these layers will be army camouflage pattern. Go ahead, check. It’s true.
Actually, come to think of it, a carnie is a homeless person with a job...the shittiest job in the universe. Think of a homeless person, only instead of standing at a stop light holding a Burger King cup and a cardboard sign that you’re not going to bother to read, they’re standing behind a counter trying to convince you to pay 6 bucks to attempt to throw a basketball into an empty beer bottle to win a 2 dollar stuffed cow.
It is also important to know that one will rarely ever see female carnies. It’s not that they don’t exist; it’s just that the males usually eat them. What do you think fried dough is made of anyway?
*Note – Though they may work at a traveling carnival, one should not confuse a teenager with a carnie.
[edit] The Call of the Carnie
“Hey buddy, c’mon over. Play a game. Win a nice prize for the lady. You don’t want to disappoint your lady friend do you? Just five bucks for three balls. Every game’s a winner. C’mon, get over here and give it a try. Hey, where ya goin’ buddy? Get yer ass over here and play this fucking game or I’ll cut yer fuckin’ head off! Gawd damn bastard I’ll fuckin’ kill your whole fuckin’ family you fuckin’ fucker! You’re dead! I’m gonna slit your fuckin’ throat! (etc.)”[1]
[edit] Avoiding a Carnie Encounter
- Don’t make eye contact.
- Keep walking.
- Show no emotion. (They can smell fear)
[edit] Origins of the Carnie
Back in medieval times, everyone was dying of the plague, so people needed something to lift their spirits. It was at that moment that Thomas Edison saved the day by inventing beer and everyone was happy. Sadly, gypsies (see Hippies) decided to ruin it for everyone by existing. Some of these gypsies decided it would be fun to take a break from ripping people off by selling them useless items at ridiculous prices and chose instead to rip people off by having them make fools of themselves at impossible and/or rigged carnival games. Thusly, the carnie was born and the world was given a new breed of people to despise and fear, much to the enjoyment of Jews and blacks.
[edit] Typical Carnie Games
- Throw the baseball at beer bottles filled with concrete and super-glued to the table
- Throw the a coin onto a greased surface and watch it fly off the other side
- Throw a dull dart at the tiniest balloon you can imagine, and oh yeah the balloon has to pop to win
- Squirt water at a little target and keep it there for 20 minutes and watch your little horse not move
- Get the rubber ball in the big plastic tub that has that contraption in it that launches the ball out whenever it lands in
- Throw an oversized basketball into a very small hoop…twice
- Guess your height, weight, and age (must present valid driver’s license, correct guess equals plus/minus 100 lbs)
[edit] Famous Carnies
- Winston Churchill
- Eleanor Roosevelt
- Carnie Wilson
- John Quincy Adams
- Emily Dickinson
- Art Carny
- The Unabomber
- Patrick Swayze
- Bart Carny
- Charles Dickens
- Christopher Columbus
- Cheryl & her Rompin Stompin Republican Friends
- Josef Stalin
- L. Ron Hubbard
- Judy "The Ultimate Carny" Brown
- Judy Brown's dog, Cody
- Brendan Carny
[edit] Relatives of the Carnie
[edit] A Few Final Notes
- A carnie will not hesitate to bite you in the throat to convert you to carnie-ism. It’s in your best interest to avoid them at all costs because a dying breed is a desperate one.
- There is no such thing as an irrational fear of carnies. The term for “fear or carnies” is “carniphobia” or “common sense”.
- The only thing worse than a carnie is a wounded carnie. Careful, they attack.
- Carnies thrive off broken dreams and deflated egos. Playing their games only makes them stronger.
- For every carnie that you can see, there’s at least three more hiding in the bushes behind you, waiting for the perfect chance to steal your wallet.
- Carnies only want two things: your money and your soul. And your head in their freezer.
Carnies are people too, and they have feelings.
[edit] Footnote
- ^ Now imagine this coming at you from six different directions at once
