Carrot Theory
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A new theory of everything which holds the answer to all of life's unanswered questions, Carrot theory or C-theory is the very latest, most up to date, up to the minute, bang on, brand new, and totally cool, explain-everything theory of that vast expanse that is the Universe. Not to be confused with the comparatively inferior parrot theory. It has rendered obsolete the string theory which is old hat and so yesterday.
[edit] In simple terms
The universe is made up of corpuscles. These corpuscles are tiny indivisible microscopic carrots that are impossible to see but really are there. Really they are, trust the theory, it is true. These corpuscles are the building block of all matter. More fundamental than quarks. Smaller than quarks. Weirder than quarks. But unlike strings in string theory they do not vibrate but instead keep toppling over. This explains the workings of the universe.
[edit] In more depth
[edit] The carrot equation
Also known as the carrot field equations. This is a vastly complicated and as yet unfinished mathematical equation. On the left hand side is the term for a carrot (c). On the right hand side is the term for the speed of light (c). In between is an equals sign (=). Thus the equation becomes:
Some formulations introduce the "carrot constant" (c) which seems to iron out a few little problems to stop the carrot expanding. Thus the equation takes the form:
Note - this is a MUCH simplified version of the enormously complicated extended carrot equation which has over a million terms times the number of C-dimensions but it is far harder to remember and is far more complicated than the one for strings because carrots have an awkward stalk.
[edit] Why C-theory is superior to orthodox string theory
Both satisfy the Theorem of the Arbitrary Topology* - so which is correct?
- In string theory the universe has the wrong number of dimensions. Carrots have 4 dimensions. The universe has 4 dimensions. Therefore carrots have matching dimensionality to the universe whereas strings do not. The universe is therefore most likely made up of carrots not string.
- Mice eat anything. This is a PROVEN scientific fact. Why can mice eat anything? Because everything is all carrots. String theory has no explanation for this observed effect.
- String theories have variously 10,11 or 22 dimensions. Various C-theories have 11,12 or 23 dimensions. C-theory is therefore superior. Some C-theories even have over 1000 dimensions - and these are the ones thought most likely to be the ultimate description of reality since they have the most dimensions. This may all contradict point 1) but that isn't important as we've moved onto higher dimensions.
- Carrots, except carefully selected supermarket ones, are misshapen and wonky. This explains the strangeness of particles and the strangeness of the universe. Strings aren't as wonky as carrots..
- Carrot theory explains to an exact approximation the evolution and behavior of bunny rabbits.
[edit] The extra C-dimensions explained
It is the carrot's toppling over in the extra carrot dimensions that explains everything we know. Adding the right number of dimensions fixes C-theory for all known phenomena. Indeed the number of dimensions probably varies from carrot to carrot and from time to time. Anyway, the point is, dimensions are important and there are lots of them. However many we need to make the thing work.
[edit] How Many Dimensions Are There?
Good question. Here are some of the possible answers:-
42 dimensions
533424 dimensions
34 dimensions
289562 dimensions
18 dimensions
774740 dimensions
0 dimensions
760723 dimensions
48 dimensions
709037 dimensions
2 dimensions
414032 dimensions
51 dimensions
790480 dimensions
22 dimensions
961953 dimensions
52 dimensions
56236 dimensions
56 dimensions
364018 dimensions
31 dimensions
767111 dimensions
3 dimensions
592458 dimensions
28 dimensions
298165 dimensions
37 dimensions
647821 dimensions
15 dimensions
279342 dimensions
49 dimensions
824602 dimensions
35 dimensions
986093 dimensions
54 dimensions
226866 dimensions
41 dimensions
980003 dimensions
14 dimensions
533873 dimensions
6 dimensions
999414 dimensions
40 dimensions
15703 dimensions
34 dimensions
100052 dimensions
6 dimensions
798884 dimensions
17 dimensions
45649 dimensions
17 dimensions
382010 dimensions
18 dimensions
948571 dimensions
58 dimensions
401374 dimensions
16 dimensions
160441 dimensions
9 dimensions
646587 dimensions
24 dimensions
412766 dimensions
42 dimensions
326206 dimensions
37 dimensions
207561 dimensions
11 dimensions
583359 dimensions
4 dimensions
457971 dimensions
54 dimensions
261368 dimensions
47 dimensions
378902 dimensions
17 dimensions
919377 dimensions
37 dimensions
627642 dimensions
25 dimensions
97973 dimensions
33 dimensions
[edit] FAQs about C-theory
1) Why can't we see the extra C-dimensions?
- They are twisted, bent over double, and cleverly disguised in order to be invisible on the macroscopic scale. In addition, one of these dimensions is an anti-color dimension which is why the whole world does not appear to be red.
2) Is it a co-incidence that Einstein chose 'C' to represent the speed of light and that is the same letter that carrot theory begins with?
- It is NO coincidence. Indeed this is one of the most striking things about C-theory. It is completely compatible with Einstein's general relativity, quantum mechanics, and oven radiation. Indeed, advocates of C-theory are frequently heard to argue on the lines of '"What more proof do you need for C's sake!"
3) Is the carrot constant really necessary?
- Perhaps. Then again...
4) Is time travel possible in a C-world?
- YES! Now you're starting to like it aren't you! Time travel IS possible because of the existence of carrotholes, regions in space and carrot-time so dense that carrot-beings (that's you and me) can potentially enter one end of the carrothole and emerge out of the other end in a different carrot dimension. See the forthcoming book.” Backwards time travel really is possible in the C-world. Yippee!" (subtitled: "Buy me and find out all about it - price: 12 easy payments of $49.99")
5) How would a single carrot behave in the vicinity of a black hole?
- It is a much debated point. How would a single carrot behave in the vicinity of a black hole? All the brightest brains in the world are working on this. And why that is... is another mystery.
[edit] Predictions of C-theory
No theory is viable without making testable predictions. Here are the predictions of C-theory:
1) Mice will continue to be able to eat anything in future times - regardless of the evolutionary course of the universe, the current state of entropy, or the wholesale price of carrots at that time.
2) The universe will ultimately evolve into a garden. This garden will be full of carrots and be named "Eden". The universe is thus circular in nature. String theory makes no such prediction and is completely incompatible with the Bible and therefore wrong. However this will not happen for 2^(the number of full stops in the bible) years. This, by the way, is the TRUE Bible code. Any other codes are not true code but HERETIC code and are not taught in the Church of the Carrot which was formed following the discovery of C-theory. Also, any other theory apart from carrot theory which calls itself C-theory is not the true C-theory and should be ignored - it is probably nonsense and certainly shouldn't be using the letter C as carrot theory is using it.
[edit] Dangers of C-theory
What if the value of the carrot constant changes over time i.e. what if the carrots (which are assumed to be in a dormant state) started to grow... wouldn't there be terrifying consequences? Yes. The sun and the earth would explode... your body would explode... carrots would emerge from out of your body everywhere... it would be the end of the universe and very nasty. Alternatively it could be very tasty. It all depends on whether you like carrots.
[edit] Test your knowledge of C-theory
Q1) What is carrot soup made of?
Q2) How and with what could a time machine be made in a C-world?
Q3) How many carrots are there in a single carrot?
Answers: Q1) Carrots Q2) Carrots Q3 2^(a very big number) + 1
[edit] A note of caution (!)
There is some dispute over whether the universe is indeed made up of carrots or whether they are in fact aubergines. This alternative version is known as "Mum's theory". All other theories of the universe have been proven to be HERETIC theories.
[edit] Notable HERETIC theories of the universe
A theory
B theory
D theory
E theory
F theory
G theory
H theory
I theory
J theory
K theory
L theory
M theory
N theory
O theory
P theory
Q theory
R theory
S theory
T Theory
U theory
V theory
W theory
X theory
Y theory
Z theory
String theory
Parrot theory
The Theorem of the Arbitruary Topology
General Relativity
Quantum Mechanics
Newton's Laws
Darwin's Laws
Mum and Dad's Laws
Every single other theory ever. Carrot theory is last word on theories... its supersedes them all... it is THE Theory of EVERYTHING!
[edit] * The Theorem of the Arbitruary Topology
For ANY arbitrarily chosen topology if you are willing to expend enough time and brainpower and toss in sufficient invented dimensions and other notions... then eventually you will make it resemble reality. But that will probably just be co-incidence...
