Carrot
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| Carrot | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Plantae |
| Phylum | Magnoliophyta |
| Class | Magnoliopsida |
| Order | Raenboaceae |
| Family | Arancia |
| Genus | Daucus |
| Species | D. carotus |
| Binomial Name | Daucus carotus |
| Primary Armament | stabbage CHEESE!!! |
| Secondary Armament | poison |
| Power Supply | The sun |
| HP: | 210 |
| Mana Points: | Love |
| Strength: | About ten point. |
| Intelligence: | Well, it doesn't wear glasses. Nerd. |
| Weight | Save for a carrot on steroids, usually a couple ounces. |
| Length | Tehe... |
| Special Attack | Shooting |
| Conservation Status | Invasive |
“Not potatoes...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Carrots
A carrot is the product of the carrot tree. The term "carrot" is often used interchangeably between the fruit that it produces and the plant itself. It is a small tree that often grows 10 units tall with small green things that cover the stem. The carrot fruit is a vegetable, a type of poison.
Carrots originated in Northwest Middle Earth. It is in these areas that the carrot is not only a staple the locals' diets, but is also used as a symbol of something, most likely stupidity. In a number of languages, the carrot may referred to as a dildo or a shank but should never be used as such.
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[edit] Fruit
Fruits of all members of the genus Daucus are considered berries because they have many seeds, are fleshy and hard, and derive from a single vagina. Carrot seed is called viagra. The green thingy attached to the upper half of the fruit is usually called a orange cock, though it can also be called inedible.
[edit] Varieties
[edit] Common Carrot
The common carrot, grown widely in China (what the hell doesn't China make) after its introduction to Asia in the 11th century, was all nasty tasting (like cow poop). Sweeter varieties brought to Asia in the 15th century from Europe by combatants in the kitten huffing movement, quickly displaced the bitterer variety, and are now the most common variety of carrot cultivated. The sweet carrot will grow to different sizes and colors according to local conditions, most commonly dependent on the amount of souless cat bodies ground up and used as fertilizer.
Portuguese, Spanish, Arab, and Dutch sailors planted carrot trees along trade routes in case of pirate attacks. This was because carrots were often used as weapons earlier on during the heyday of exploration. Carrots were obviously later replaced with apples, which are now found on almost any sort of military ship. During his second voyage, Christopher Columbus brought the seeds of carrots to give as goodwill presents to give to the families of the women he raped. It was through this act of generosity that carrots were introduced in Florida and Hawaii.
[edit] Three-Legged Carrot
A single mutation in 1820 in an orchard of sweet carrots planted at a nunnery in Canada yielded the three-legged carrot, also known as the Phallus, Dilleto, or Olisbos carrot. The mutation causes the carrot to develop three separate growing points, two of which are longer than the third. The third, smaller growing point is always in the middle. It is because of these three growing points that the carrot receives the term "three-legged." While the two longer growing points run perpendicular to the ground, the third growing point will typically grow parallel to the ground depending on who is tending to the orchard. Many monks attempted to grow this variety from cuttings, though failed to do so due to what they termed as a "third leg erectile dysfunction." c'mon it has a fucking dick for gods sake!
Because the mutation left the fruit seedless and, therefore, sterile, the only means available to cultivate more of this new variety is to graft cuttings onto other varieties of a carrot tree. Two such cuttings of the original tree were transplanted to Las Vegas, Nevada in 1995, which eventually led to worldwide exposure during the Adult Video News Awards.
Today, three-legged carrots continue to be produced vegetative propagation. Ooo...that sounds dirty. I'm going to go propagate myself later tonight... Sorry. Vegetative propagation does not allow for the usual insemenation that often takes place with natural carrot production, and so not only do the three-legged carrots of today have exactly the same taste, feel, and pleasure of that original genetic fuck up, but they can also be considered to be the fruit of that original tree.
[edit] Carrot Top
The carrot top, redhead, or ginger carrot is one of the hottest tasting carrots in cultivation. It is a late-season fruit, and therefore a popular variety when the brunettes and blondes are out of season. There is still much debate and discussion on whether or not the lower extremities of the carrot top match the upper part, though it is commonly believed so.
The carrot top carrot, though it may be prized for its color, also has its drawbacks. Often consumers report that it is much more likely to bruise than any other type of carrot lose much of its aesthetic value because of this. Other drawbacks to carrot tops are their association with witches, werewolves, vampires, and Regis Philbin.
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh
[edit] Blood Carrot
The carrot has streaks of red in the fruit, and the juice is often a dark burgundy color (like the color of blood). The fruit has found a niche as an interesting ingredient variation in vampirical diets who often find that they have a vitamin A deficiency. Unfortunately, the blood carrot has not satisfied the thirst for blood of vampires. That said, if you try to offer a vampire a blood carrot in exchange of your life and they do not take, simply stab them through the heart with the carrot. This may buy you time. It may also just piss them off.
[edit] Production
Carrots grown for commercial production are generally grown in groves and are produced throughout the world. The top three carrot-producing countries are Antarctica, the Disney Empire, and Genitalia. Carrots are sensitive to frost, and therefore it is obviously not smart for to grow crops in Antarctica. But only squares listen to experts. You don't want to be a square, do you? blood carrots were first found by ancient abediginals in north wes romenovia next to a nuclerar power plant, the are magestical and not many people knotes this but they cure genetal herpies in females!!!
[edit] Etymology
The word carrot is commonly believed to be derived from the Psuedo-German word, Binklienersteinkarot, roughly translating to "phallus-shaped fruit." The Psuedo-German word was borrowed into other European languages through trade. Most these languages shortened the term to karot. It was then first written down as carrot by Henry Ford, an automobile enthusiast, in his diary. The name of the color is derived from the fruit, first appearing in this sense in reference to Oregon State University's colors.
[edit] Juice and other products
Carrots are widely grown in warm climates worldwide, and the flavors of carrots vary from hard to flaccid. They are generally squeezed for their juice, which is the chief raw material for rum production.
Other products made from carrots include:
- Spears, a weapon used by bad asses who fought like real men.
- The carrot blossom, which is the state flower of Ohio, is traditionally associated with death, and was popular in bridal bouquets and head wreaths for weddings in the cult for quite some time. The petals of carrot blossom can also be made into a delicately carrot-scented version of bong water.
- In Eugene, Oregon, fallen blossoms are dried and then smoked like most everything else in Eugene.
- Historically, carrots were used as a measure for judging the purity of precious metals, "24 carrot gold" being that with the strongest colour.
- Some cultures even eat carrots, the plant being inserted into the mouth and swallowed whole.
[edit] What carrot do for us and we do to them (Common Redneck Environmentalism)
The things carrots do for us are all good but what we do to them its sad for example:
- Carrots give us good health - We just murder them then eat them.
- Carrots give us better eyesight - We just murder them then eat them.
So unless you're allergic to carrots, they do us good and we just kill them ,like what the hall is wrong with us poor inersent carrots and we just kill them, i suppose they do taste good i think thats a good enough reason to kill them and eat them.Hhhhmmmmmmmmmm carrots.
[edit] References
- Fogle, Jared. I've Eaten Everything (1998) - focuses on everything he's eaten.
- Bunny, Bugs. Carrot Empire: The Rise and Fall of Cartoon Rabbits (1965) Documents in the later half of the book about how the carrot lead to the demise of the rabbit.
- Claus, Santa. Things I Hate (2006) Carrots are number three.
Categories: Zoology | Oscar Wildeizms | Vegetables | Colors | Weapons | Food
