Ashley Cole
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“I have never met this man, I do not know him, no,no,no, I do not. but he has grown, yes. No, I do not know how he wound up playing for Chelski, no i do not, I AM THE SPECIAL ONE!”
~ Jose "The Special Needs One: Mourinhho on Ashley Cole
“What a prick! ”
~ Queen Elizabeth II on Ashley Cole
“He's a disgrace to womanhood ”
~ Nelson Mandela on Ashley Cole
“Probably a bigger cunt than me ”
~ Bono on Ashley Cole
Cashley Michelle Veronica Cole is a professional greedy twat and part-time footballer (pfffft) for the club Chelsea_FC. Was once considered the best Left Back in the world, which was later a popular joke used by comedians all over the world. Cashley is the son of Elton John and Tin-Tin, which explains just about everything one needs to know about her.
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[edit] Career
Cole was once a pennyless hobo that roamed the streets of London, working as a part time prostitute for expensive customers (see Jose Mourinho). One day this French bloke said with no expression on his face "Jue c'omm wiff me en I make jue an offeur jue cannot refuez". Despite his illiteracy, Cole signed a contract, unbeknownst to him at the time, to play Football (soccer) at Arsenal where he worked as a model (Have you seen his face? He's been using cosmetics I swear).
Football analysts say that Ashley Cole is a left back, meaning he was left back at Highbury when the rest of the Arsenal squad moved off to the Emirates Stadium. After finally realizing he was abandoned (the epiphany struck when the construction workers were tearing down the walls of the stadium) Cole was distraught and angry, and thus help from his old time buddy Mourinho who met with him privately (guess why)and they agreed for Cole to work full time "under" Mourinho at Chelsea FC
Cole also established The PFA as an organisation to help other poverty stricken players.
[edit] Personal Life
I like boys!
Ashley Cole was originally a girl, but had a sex change with his brother (Ashley traded a Barbie doll and girlhood with his brother in exchange for soccer boots and a penis but decided to keep the name Ashley because...well who the fuck knows its a crap name anyways, boy or girl. Also Ashley has appeared in many gay porn movies featuring van nistlerooy and Arjen robben in which he gets spitroasted.
Ashley married racist singer Cheryl Tweedy, as an act of convenience, despite his very public sexual relationship with John Terry. The marriage is beneficial to Ashley as it disguises the fact that he is actually gay, while Tweedy uses the marriage to pretend that she is not racist. She is in fact a member of the KKK, having attempted to murder a nigger outside a nightclub in 2003.
In late 2007, in a further attempt to disguise his sexuality, Cole cheated on Cheryl with a blonde slag. This proved to be an epic failure.
[edit] Club Achievements
Despite being a pivotal member in the Arsenal team, Cole never received any personal awards, even medals for his clubs successes. He is often shunned away by his fellow team mates and staff, even the club janitors who received awards were higher in rank than Cole. He instead received a Noddy badge for "trying his best" and "always being positive", basically awards given to chumps and retard kids.
[edit] Other Achievements
- 'So I said to Wenger, fifty grand a week is insulting. I want sixty! Sixty grand! Show me the money! I want the money! (starts sniffing wildly).'
- Being the first winner of the "Brain the size of a quarter of a half of half a peanut award" in 2006.
- Scoring 3 less goals than king willy in the 2007/2008 season.
