Cashmere String Theory
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The only-recently-discovered Cashmere String Theory states that the universe is in fact part of one massive cashmere sweater, knitted by the well-known deity figure Grundelwargen the Mighty. The strings themselves are made of a tough, durable cashmere/polyester composite, spun from the lyrics of the well-known song "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin.
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[edit] The creation of the cashmere strings
It is believed that Grundelwargen had a strange fixation with the lead vocalist of the band, Robert Plant. After pursuing him for several millenia, he finally tried to catch Mr Plant's eye by spending two Big Bangs-worth of time knitting the universe. He first began with simply cashmere, and had soon knitted half of the universe sweater with his astral cashmere strings.
[edit] The polyester infusion
However, after watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Grundelwargen was turned off the idea of using simply cashmere by the rival god known only as Carson Kressly, and infused, using the power of a goat, the cashmere with a polyester compound, creating a cashmere-polyester composite. With this new, durable and soft fabric, he wove the remaining strings, and thus the universe was created.
[edit] The war of the strings
A fight broke out between Grundelwargen and his rival, Carson, when Carson abhorred the cashmere-polyester composite. The two deities did battle, and in the process several holes were punched in the fabric of the space-time continuum. As many strings began to fly free, many strange events occurred, including the creation of several extinct dinosaurs, the destruction of all places beginning with the prefix Sca-, and the involuntary stomach contractions of several deceased American presidents. However, in a stunning display of destruction and tzusjing, Carson was able to defeat Grundelwargen, and thus gained control of the string sweater.
[edit] The strings under Carson
Carson's reign as deity of the strings was long and tough, and involved many changes. First, Carson removed all traces of polyester from the strings, and thus the universe was irrevocably changed forever. Few of the deities even thought of challenging the mighty Carson, and those who tried were transformed into different coloured strings of cashmere, and thus added to the sweater. As the deities grew few and the problems for the universe increased, it appeared as if Armageddon was nigh.
[edit] The last desperate move
However, in a last attempt to wrest control of the strings from Carson, a large number of deities, including Carson's former friends Ted Allen, Kyan Douglas, Thom Fellicia and Jai Rodriguez, banded together, and were absorbed into each other to create the uber-deity - Chris Florean Eeylop Albus Fortesque. Using his supreme divine powers, Chris Florean Eeylop Albus Fortesque managed to absorb Carson into himself, becoming more powerful and gaining control of the cashmere string sweater, and thus controlling the universe. His first order of business was the infusion of polyester, hemp, nylon and cotton into the cashmere, making it even more durable than before. However, it seemed that, since Chris Florean Eeylop Albus Fortesque was the only remaining deity left, he was the only one who could wear the mighty universal garment.
[edit] The current status of the strings
Currently the strings are still in one piece as the sweater, and Chris Florean Eeylop Albus Fortesque has been strutting around whatever lies beyond the universe, showing off that goddamn-sweater like he owns the place.
[edit] The Hawking Tweedlery
The brilliant, drooling, chair-bound physicist Stephen Hawking has posited that, as the universe ages, Chris Florean Eeylop Albus Fortesque may decide to put a tweed jacket on over the universal sweater because the space beyond the universe is getting rather chilly. A joint program between NASA and the University of California-Berkley is erecting an enormous observatory, the so-called Hawking Tweedlery, to detect the colossal leather elbow patches that would inevitably accompany such outerwear.
