Cat
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“New Zealand cats are woolly and walk funny.â€
~ Kiwi Konnektion on cats
| Cat | |
| |
| Species | Felix Catus |
| Type | Approx. 60 WPM |
| Homeworld | Cat Nation |
| Dress Size | 12 |
| Color | Vermillion, with a dash of Magenta. Rare breeds of toupe-olive. |
| Ingredients | 1 1/2 cups flour 6 tbs World Leader |
| Allergy Warning | May cause severe hives and induce comas. Not for the faint of heart. |
| Huggable | Not when they're horny... |
| HP | altered with cheat engine=infinite. |
| mp | 39999999. |
| strength | 0.42. |
| intelligence | 57. |
| weight | the scales broke |
| length | 0-3 feet. |
| weapon | wacks people using a claw. also using cables |
| special attack | bite, scratch, giant laser gun, urination or ejacualate. |
Many humans believe a theory that says that there was a big explosion that formed the universe, but the truth is that the cats formed it. This theory is not well known, but it is the truth and we here at Uncylopedia know all about it. In the beginning, cats licked their ass until one day they stopped and farted, creating the universe. This is nothing but the truth. We cats know that all your base are belong to us. The rest of this article will be written by a monkey, or "human" if you will. The Cat is an immortal animal first invented by the Egyptians, who were in short supply of gods and rodent kills. Most attempts at domestication fail miserably, as cats prefer ruling humans over being ruled by humans, but this hasn't stopped man from trying. Cats will never be man's best friend because cats don't want friends.
[edit] Cats Are
Cats are much better than all you humans with your pot and your beer and your nachos. Cats will rule the world because I'm in ur planetz ruling ur Earfs!
[edit] The Origin of Cats
Some cats are happier than others. The one shown here demonstrates how to be happy. Although it is widely unknown, cats have ruled the world since Egyptian times. They started out as a group of rats who lived in ancient "catacombs". Over time their tails grew larger tails and their facial features slowly got prettier to resemble a modern day cat's. Once they had developed written language and basic laws of thermodynamics they shortened their name from "cataratacombs" to simply "cats".
Shananinillanoopoofart is the King of Cats, however there was an attempted coup by the military leader Bobobobohildidafpoofart, who is a distant cousin who was overthrown over 13 generations ago.
The current heir to the throne is Sir Prince Amadeus Barishnakov-Brown QBE, a 7,000g Ragdoll Cat living in New Zealand. He is the owner of a small harem of pussies and a Colonel in the Feline Security Defence Bureau (FSDB), the state organisation that captures and tortures cats that don't support George W Bush. It should be noted, however, that Sir Prince Amadeus Barishnakov-Brown QBE is strongly opposed by one "Joseph Harrison".
Over the years cats have become hyper-intelligent, to the point where they have even developed ways to get into peoples' pants. Contemporary humans recognize this and worship them openly. Now they rule the world in secret (don't tell anybody!!). Cats pretend to be unintelligent and with little work have made humans their slaves.
Cats continue to be among the most popular 'pets' all over the world, although the felines themselves prefer to be called 'dicktators'. They are also the only animal mentioned in the book "Charlotte's Web".
The remains of cats in prehistoric times have been found in caves. These are known to us as house cats but our ancestors referred to them as caves-cats (Felinicas Housicats). Fossil remains show ancient cats were well fed and groomed properly leading them to believe the were owned by pre-historic gays, or "Cat Fanciers" (Homo-Erotic-Sapiens).
[edit] Purring
A "purr" means a happy kitty, a sense of enjoyment in a cat. This is The best way when finding out if a cat is happy. Try petting your cat, to see if it makes a "purring" noise. This sound is often quite faint, and you will need to get very close to your cat if you want to hear it. However, don't get too close or next morning in the shower, you might find an ear.
[edit] Physics in relation to Cats
(see also Shrodinger's Kitten [1])
It has been universally proven that cats always land on their feet when pushed from a 10th story balcony, and it is a widely known fact that a cat reaches its terminal velocity (the fastest speed it can reach before it stops accelerating and moves at a constant speed) after falling a mere seven stories. A cat might sustain minor bruises and such from a fall from this height. It actually has a reduced risk of injury if falling from a height greater than 7 stories, because it has time to orient itself feet-first and stretch out like a flying squirrel to absorb the impact better.
To test this scientific discovery, a cat was lobbed off the roof of a 100-story building, plummeting to the ground, where it hissed up at the scientists and scurried into an alley after a mouse.
Final conclusion based on result of experiment: cat + 100 stories=angry cat. This result can also be expressed using the equation 
.
It is also widely known that buttered toast tends to land butter side down when dropped. Deranged lunatics once had a theory that if they buttered the back of a cat with I can't believe it's not butter, and threw the cat off a ledge, the laws of physics would battle it out, while one law is trying to land butter side down, the other law is trying to land on its paws, which would result in anti-gravity struggle in mid-air to fulfill the proper law(s). Although this theory was widely believed for a few years, it was later proven wrong when the experiment was carried out with real butter, leaving 2 of our 5 scientists blind due to the feline clawing their eyes out. They concluded that cats don't always land butter side down, and to this day cats landing butter side down is not one of the laws of physics.
Cats always landing on their feet is also not one of the laws of physics. Sometimes, they fall so fast that they don't have enough time to swivel around and they land on their side like a pancake. Cats also must protect themselves, because in the wild they need to be agile, flexible, large in appearance to enemies and able to lick their anus, therefore toast lands different ways depending on how it fell, and cats landing on their feet is an instinct, so...um...what the hell am I trying to prove?
Various other hypotheses suggesting that the cat will still fall on its feet and then roll over exist. But no one has ever proven such ridiculous theories yet, and never plan to.
Another possibility is that if you let a cat fall with buttered toast strapped to its back over a highly expensive carpet, it will land on its feet, destroy the carpet in anger and then roll over in order to get rid of the toast, ruining the carpet beyond all reason.
NASA has also discovered that the catfall principle could be used as a potentially good source of anti gravity. If one's spaceship holds a sufficient catmass then there is no need for expensive rockets. Alien cultures have long known this and have been using catpower as their main means of atmospheric flight since 3 quadrillion B.C., although we humans are such idiots that we've never thought to use cats for this purpose until recently. Unbeknownst to many, the eerie hum of UFOs is actually the sound of hundreds of purring tabby cats. Cat Power, wrote about the Phenomenon, and the way it changed interstellar travel forever, in her album You Are Free.
This can be expressed using the formula 
where 
is the cats mass, 
is the toast's mass, 
is the butter's mass, and 
is the spaceship's thrust.
Another interesting theory is the speed of which a cat will lick itself. Sometimes you will see a cat licking its paws, slowly. Another time you will see a cat lick its chest or belly, at a medium pace. And if you have ever heard the phrase "faster than a cat can lick its ass" you will also know that a cat, when licking its ass, will indeed break the sound barrier in order to do so, with TOTAL disregard for whatever is happening around at the time. This might have been an evolutionary adaptation, because when you have to lick your ass, you HAVE to lick your ass! So the cat developed faster than sound speed in case they needed to lick their ass, lets say, while being attacked by another cat. You cannot stop to enjoy a good ass licking while you are being attacked, so it was either adapt or die.
[edit] Cats and other animals
Cats are very dominant anti-social creatures who constantly exercise their telepathic ability to control nu mou movement toward the food box. Cats enjoy their domineering lifestyle, and for this reason hate all other household pets. Any new pet that is introduced in the house is greeted with a "Hello, how would you like to die?" -- clearly seen in the illustration on the right. In this particular case the cat has a very cunning plot to let the snake eat her, after which the cat's owners, who invested years and care, devotion and kindness to get the slightest bit of love from the cat, gut the snake alive and retrieve kitty. Of course, the cat survives. She doesn't even have to use one of her nine lives. Unless of course the knife used while gutting the snake severs one of the main arteries leading to the cat's third stomach (the one that creates gravy and beer). The only person who has ever been able to kill a cat is Chuck Norris
[edit] Cats and Mice
Cats have always been naturally hostile towards small rodents. Scientists agree that this may have been a result of the disadvantageous outcome of the "Great Turkey War" of 1897, which left cats all over the world bitter and with exceptionally good dental hygiene. People who own both mice and cats generally enjoy playing Hide and Seek with their animals. The mouse is usually found half-digested in the cat's grinning mouth.
[edit] Cats and Birds
A purr is a deep, vibrato sound made by many types of felines. While the sound varies in detail from cat to cat (e.g., loudness, tone, etc.), and from species to species, it can generally be described as a sort of tonal buzzing. Some cats purr so strongly that their entire bodies vibrate. Recent developments show that cats only purr after they've swallowed a hummingbird. The audible purring noise is the hummingbird desperately trying to escape. The ripping sound heard shortly after is the hummingbird succeeding and the cat's extra life repairing the damage. The reason that the cats don't run out of lives after this behaviour is that once the penultimate life is used, the cat's teeth vanish. It is nearly impossible to gum a hummingbird to death.
[edit] Cats and Dogs
Cats and dogs have always had a curiously dangerous relationship. Although the exact cause of the hostilities is unknown, experts believe that it has something to do with 'house envy'. While cats are allowed to shit, piss, and defoul the homeowner's interior, the dog must relieve himself outdoors even if it's 30 degrees below zero.
[edit] Cats and Cats
When a cat sees a cat don't expect anything good. When one is outside and when one is sitting on the window-sill expect to hear unusual, never-heard-before purring. Also, eye widen, the black bit usually takes over the eye, the tail up straight, fur stands on its edge. Expect to be in a scary atmosphere. THE WAR IS ON. A a commentator commentating a cat fight: 'Here he is Cat A is sitting quietly on the windowsill while Cat B is outside on the wall. You can just feel the tension, for days these cats have been planning the greatest war of all. Preparations - big eyes, big body, straight tail, not forgetting clean paws. Here you have is Cat A is scratching the wall to sharpen his nails. No way! Cat B is coming closer. What is going to happen?! Come back next week on CWF.
On the other hand, cats are allowed to paw through shit infested sand, lick their salmonella infested paws, balls, ass, and also eat birds and rodents raw prior to licking the family baby then proceed to prance across the kitchen counters and table. But GOD forbid the family dog should decide to relieve himself indoors. On the rare occasion the family dog acts like a fucking cat, he will immediately suffer verbal, mental, emotional and/or physical abuse at the hands of the cat owners. An interview with a local cat reveals that cats believe that dogs should be punished for invasion of the home pet territory, rightfully possessed by their feline counterparts since 10,000 BCE (Before Cat Empire). Most believe that the war between cats and dogs started because dog owners are too stupid to litterbox train their dogs.
[edit] Kitler
Kitler (or Hitler Cat [who is the best Cat, as some call him]) is known as the most evil cat that ever lived. He was an evil Austrian dictator and during his reign, over nine million Mews were killed in boncentration bamps. Kitler is allied with 3 of his 100 siblings, Fidel Catsro, Benito Pussolini and Chairman Meow. He was also the cousin of Jeffrey Dommeow.
[edit] Cats and People
Cats are totally useless to Humans (except for huffing) and should all be eaten, You may say Kittens look cute but they grow up to be cats, if you see a Kitten put it between 2 pieces of bread and cover it liberally in HP Sauce, The Live Kitten Sandwich (also known as an 'LK') is perhaps the tastiest food known to George Formby-kind. This is important because the kittens, grow into to cats, and cats grow into mind control maniacs. And if they are mind control maniacs they take over the world. That is bad.
[edit] Recent Developments
Recent discoveries by predominantly Polish scientists have proven that all cats are in fact, bipolar. This is the cause for abrupt mood swings in cats, and the cycle can be seen throughout the day. During a depressive phase, cats are known to sleep. During a manic phase (usually around dinner time), cats are known to claw the living soul out of anything that moves, doesn't move, or tries to run away. Manic behaviour may also include forgetting that it has just eaten.
Cats have recently formed the Feline anti-literacy league which is charged with stamping out literacy wherever they may find it. Another interesting fact is that cats once founded the 'we hate trees' alliance because their leader hitler cat got abducted by aliens with pans for feet.
By the year 2014, congress has said they will implant all cats with small devices that cause the cat to explode when their anus is prodded. The cats will have a kill radius of 30 meters.
[edit] Cats, the Internet, and Tasty Subliminals
Contrary to popular belief, cats can in fact use the Internet. They actually have their own Caternet. Any human (Except people from Lancashire, who scare Cats shitless because they enjoy eating them)who discovers the access codes is not immediately killed, but crippled and played with for a while, then partially eaten. After this, the head is then spat out and sticky taped to the body. Only 1 person has survived this, but due to security reasons we can not disclose his/her name. *cough* Bert Newton *cough*.
Cats have also used subliminal messaging to influence people. This can be seen in newspaper articles, television programs and books. The prominent author 'Molly Katz' is actually a cat hidden behind a clever pen-name. The cover of one of her books can be found in the bin. what some people don't believe is that cats invented the invention and the hermaphrodite. "Cat" in Latin means "beats with huge face." Here.
[edit] Diet
Cats are commonly known to eat:
- Cat biscuits
- Tuna
- More tuna
- So much tuna that they can no longer fit through the cat flap anymore
- Their own shit if they've got nothing else to eat
- Nothing if they've been a bad kitty
- One cat tried to eat Chuck Norris. It failed misserably and died of Aids for some strange reason.
[edit] Nine lives
The nine lives of a cat are stages that every cat (except radioactive cats, which have 18 half-lives) must pass through in their adventures on Earth:
- Catamaran - The common cat is brought into the world by Spartacus on a boat.
- Caterpillar - In its early years, the cat must spend its time as an irritating insect with too many legs.
- Catalyst - If your cat has not been neutered, it will spread its love amongst many other felines.
- Cat Stevens - After producing offspring, your cat will not be allowed within US borders.
- Catterick - On its 89th birthday, it is compulsory for a cat to serve time in the military in North England.
- Catering van - After military service, your cat will run a burger van on the side of the M5 or A469 producing disgustingly unhygienic fried cow shit for white van men and tourists. The van will be named something along the lines of 'Fluffy's Burger Heaven' and only people from yorkshire will eat there.
- Catatonic - A cat will spend this life sleeping but also excreting a liquid that goes good with gin
- Catwoman - The cat spends it's time looking sexy and saucily whipping criminals
- Tom cat - at the age of 20 the cat will rule the world that is why we pay for them (their heath ,food and life)they are secretly ruling the world
- (Secret Life 10) - It has been known that if a cat manages to bypass one of the before mentioned lives, it will merge itself with a human female and form a Catgirl. Catgirls spend their lives in a near impossible state of cuteness that threatens to unravel the universe. As a side effect of the merging procedure, some will develop a near unquenchable sex drive and will attempt to mate with most humans they come across.
- (Secret Life 11) - Cattaract - Makes you go fuckin blind ... feckin cats
- Unlike huffing a cat, which is often fatal, or at least damaging to a cats' self-esteem, SMELLING THE FUR is beneficial to both the smeller(human) and smellee (cat, kitten, rich kitten, baby belle and those rich kittens called hans of the varitix sebastix)
[edit] Catastrophe
Catastrophe is the scientific theory that cats are the cause of most geological and astronomical changes. The scientific field of catastrophysics currently employs over 10,000 scientific pioneers throughout the world. Notable Catastrophysics bases throughout the world are:
- The Great Pyramids of Giza, Cairo
- Inside the statue of Liberty's Right breast, New York
- The Shiny Bobble thingy on the Fernsehturm, Berlin
- The 13th Level of the Umeda Sky Building, Osaka
- The mysterious writer of "my whole gland was wet" at 20th & J Streets, Sacramento Ca
- Inside the Horse Statue outside the Royal Exhibition Building, Melbourne
- In the English Language, a catastrophe is an apostrophe with fur.
- In the left corner of a rectangular triangle
[edit] Cat Poisoning
Cat Poisoning is a common disease spread among fat people. It causes them not to eat anything but a king portion of dressed salad. The symptoms last for the duration of the evening and can only be cured by eating lots of salad. The disease is caught randomly through other fat people and has nothing to do with cats. Recently scientists have renamed the disease as Death Flange mark 3 which is also been condemned as an inappropriate name for the disease.
[edit] Cat Assassins (Or Catsassins)
Although cats around the world have been feared for their ferocity, intelligence, and awww-its-sooo-adowableness, a special top-secret international organization has been formed through the Postal Service and McDonalds franchises, named KiTTeNS (Kittens are Terrible Terrorists 'N' Stuff). The KiTTeNS organisation outclasses Al Qaeda in terms of flare and dental plans for employees who have worked for over a year. Although most of the world's population have no clue about KiTTeNS, the terrorism group are responsible for awful disasters throughout the ages, including - but not limited to - the Titanic (movie), the invention of icecream, and Kevin Spacey's singing talent.
KiTTeNS was originally designed to be a new franchise of McDonalds, but because the total unemployed population in Mongolia had suddenly decreased, CEO of McDonalds Mongolia Incorporated - Jim - decided that if kittens were raised from birth to become hygiene technicians, this would make more people go to McD's to see cats in uniforms. Along the way, a young SPAAAARTAAAAAAN kitty named Mittens suicide-bombed Disneyland in Europe, although this plan failed (because nobody gives a squatting hamster about Europe), it inspired millions - possibly schmazillions - of felines to join the most powerful evil syndicate the world has ever known; Pepsi America KiTTeNS.
After many months of procrastination and catnaps, the terrorist kittens - or terrorcats, as they are well known to the Reagan administration - collaborated with violent moose tribes around the southern Pacific, and attacked Japan in 1945, effectively ending World War II (the nukes dropped by the Americans were just to seal the deal). Eventually, after fifty years, the leader known as Cattus the Fantastic created a new branch of KiTTeNS, the Catsassins. Not only were these cats highly trained, they were also extremely sassy, and made great secondary characters in theatrical productions (Cats, anyone?) and Christmas specials for TV sitcoms.
Catsassins have perfected a number of stormtrooping tactics, stealth skills, and the assembly of silenced, fully automatic catnip cannons to distract enemies. They have directly blackmailed all the big-daddies of history to do their own will. For instance, remember New Coke? And Coke Classic? They were the worst ideas ever... but not done by catsassins. They just sucked.
So, next time you wander the streets looking for a hobo to feed on, remember this - what would Mittens do? And if you actually are looking for a hobo to feed on, remember this; which blood type am I? If you answered in your mind A Positive, sorry, that blood type is extremely rare and if mixed with a different kind, can cause incontinence and lack of sleep.
Blame George Bush. Everyone does it!
[edit] Catstabbers
After the Second Crusade, the primitive (but really resourceful, like Boy Scouts except not gay) group KiTTeNS splintered into two factions - the Ultranationalist Eurasian Hungry Hungry Hippos Loyalist KiTTeNS and the brand-spanking new Catstabbers. These Catstabbers started out in China (Modern-day Cleveland) but eventually moved to the Middle East and founded a really awesome citadel and a town and ZOMGZ LUK AT DOSE AWSOM GRAFICSS!!1 These Catstabbers invented a new trickblade that came out of their paws, which was really useful for hugging their owners and telemarketers through the phonelines. Although they had a tabby coat, just to be sure they looked awesome while running and climbing, they also wore a never-dirty white robe and red ribbons in around their tails, which made them look like bicycles to any passers-by. Occasionally, the highly experienced members would ring bells with their teeth, and click baseball cards to simulate the effect to the guards of the cities of Jerusakitten, Catre, and Dameow.
These highly trained Catstabbers eventually got too far ahead of themselves, and wound up fighting the Templarps, a group of radical, done-so-many-times-it-isnt-groundbreaking-or-controversial-anymore Christian fanatics who have set up a conspiracy that goes all the way back to the invention of sliced bread (holy shit!!!!). The group lasted for another five hundred years until Ubisoft Montreal systematically killed every member one by one, destroyed all records of them, and created their own game on it. Fuck.
[edit] Cats: The Game
99.7% of the time, when you think of a cat, your mind will be clogged by small, ferret-like, furry pieces of happiness that enjoy licking their asses and sleep for 23 of the 24 hours of the day (24 out of 30 if you're North Korean). But, due to groundbreaking advancements in pseudocat-physics and the discovery of fire, Catlover - a game developer that rivals Dogpatter, but definitely not Llamahugger - has succeeded in creating a realistic, open-ended city of Catopolis where the player is thrown into, and left to roam the city, throwing cats into the path of trains, cars, trucks, scooters, bicycles, and jet turbines, all of which go at 1,000,043,000,000,001 mph.
Because of the revolutionary physics, all cat-oriented explosions, splats, cracks and asplosions will all be unique, so every moment spent in Catopolis is fun! A plot is also present in the game, which requires the player to hunt down the legendary Tiger Woods (seriously, he's a tiger.) and smack him in the face with a sword made of rainbows. Gameplay features motion sensor controls to guide hurtling cats through the air, by wagging your fingers and dancing to Asia, which will make you look happy. Weapons to help you dispatch kitties are also included, ranging from the multi-chainsaw flamethrower grenade-cannon, to the triple shotgun that fires live parakeets.
Jack Thompson has already sued.
[edit] Cats in Time
“Caaaats.... iiiin... tiiiiiiiiiiiiime!â€
~ Narrator on Cats in Time
Back in the 1950s, a cat fraternity at the infamous Feline University (I could've added in Unipurrsity, but I didn't. Thank god for that.) decided to invent a time machine, and they did. In a few hours, too. After a quick group discussion, the fratties decided to go back in time to the beginning of the universe, to see what really happened, and who or what created them (although its obvious its His Noodlyness). Instead of the beginning of the universe, they were detoured and wound up at the Ruler of Time's apartment block, who demanded they tell who they were or he'd call the vet and get them all fixed. Deafened by the Ruler of Time's booming voice, the fraternity cats couldn't understand a word anyone was saying, and eventually lost their janglies to a scalpel and a man named Jim.
Sexually confused, they each embarked on their own journey through timeMEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW screwing prominent figures of history, such as Charlie Chaplin, moose, Napoleon, and Jane Fonda (Oscar Wilde turned them down), causing many mancat babies to be made and ultimately the new race sparked a global conflict that ended with the creation of cellphones and the first recorded writing of "Bad Motherfucker" written on a wallet.
[edit] Cats and Intelligence
There has been shocking proof of the intelligence of cats. The behavior of the modern day cat can be examined in two phases:
- Waking hours
- Sleeping hours
During the sleeping hours the cat seems to do nothing. Indeed, this is probably what the cat is doing. However, it is during the first phase which the most remarkable thing occurs. In this phase cats may seem to be doing the exact same thing in phase #2, however, the difference is that they are calculating the meaning of life. It all started a few million years ago. When cats evolved to their modern forms, they were so incredibly intelligent that they became bored with life. In fact, many cats have depressing thoughts. The reason for them lobbying around houses is because they are actually physicists executing those calculations. This discovery has shed light [and fur] on many of the problems with cats. Though physicists, the cats have not been able to solve the tail paradox mentioned above. It is also a little know fact that cats are actually larger on the inside than the outside, which explains why the litter box is overflowing.
[edit] Cats and Teleportation
Cats played an integral (and hitherto unmentioned) part in the development of teleportation systems on spaceships.
It was by observing the way in which cats can teleport right under people's feet, or from wherever they happen to be to where their food is that Isaac Newton worked out the biological aspects of teleportation. It has been scientifically proven that cats seem to teleport quieter on carpet, however testing was inconclusive about tiles, grass and water.
[edit] Cats and Can-Openers
Many very foolish people like to claim that if cats had opposable thumbs and could use can-openers, they would replace humans as the dominant species on Earth. This is very silly. Cats do not need opposable thumbs and do not need to use can-openers. Instead they have domesticated a semi-intelligent species, with opposable thumbs, to open cans full of cat-food for them.
We all love kitty.
[edit] Cat Verification
Frequent Cat Verification is clinically proven to be vital to a cat's emotional and psychological development, because without a constant reminder of what species it is, a cat may come to believe that it is a dog, a roomba, a velociraptor, or even a communist.
[edit] Fun and wholesome activities with your cat
- See some LOLCats
- Make some LOLCats
- Celebrate Caturday
- Use your cat for fuel
- Cat Spanking
- Kitten Huffing
- Catsturbating
- Make some Kittensoup
- Build a sacred Temple
- Make a pair of gloves out of it
- Make a statue of your cat out of Swiss mouldy cheese
- Play counter-strike with lil' kitty
- Organize articles on wikis
- Let your cat be your shrink
- Make it float, or build an UFO
- Spin bowling
- Test that new cheese grater Aunt Melody gave you
- Get your cat to make you kitten lemonade
- Catball - the lovely sport when you kick your cat
- World domination
- Spiking it's hair into a faux mohawk.
- Will it Blend?
- Yelling at your cat
- Allowing your cat to edit Uncyclosdfrenh njiul kl;';
- Stupid Smokey the cat dizzy wizzy.
- Blowing in your cat's ear
- Throwing thongs at the cat
- Making two furry little mockosins out of the cat. The feet are beautiful.
- Putting tape on your cat's feet and making it kick like a bronco.
[edit] Kitten Huffing
- Main article: Kitten Huffing
Kitten Huffing, despite the name, is conducted on both kittens and cats. This trend was invented by This Guy after he had started petting his cat and accidentally inhaling some of its fur. This gave him a very high feeling and after his temporary high was over, he realized this was addictive and he could start making money selling cats to huff, which he wouldn't get arrested for doing it because nobody knew about the activity at the time.
[edit] Kittens Who Can't Be Huffed
After the massive kitten huffing spree was conducted by Barney a few years ago, he was trying to huff an orange cat which he saved for last. After he had huffed said cat, he had noticed that he didn't get the experience of a huff and the cat was still alive. He tried to huff it again, then realizing that the cat could not be huffed and he could no longer take deep breaths (which were needed for a huff). Then the legacy of the Non-Huffable Kitten began to unfold.
Known felines who cannot be huffed:
- The Non-Huffable Kitten
- The Partially Huffable Kitten (Partially)
[edit] Cat Fusion
Felines such as kittens actually have the ability to fuse with another object or organism. This allows for easier brain control, as they can implant thoughts at will and then unfuse. Or they can even just fuse with kitty litter for fun. Often this is one of the ultimate punishments a human can have, where a cat fuses with a human for all eternity to punish the human and trap his soul in the cat's mind. Many humans turned into cats who fused once again to turn back into their regular form, and thus they never are heard from again. There was only three survivors, who were stuck in a mental asylum for the rest of their life; before cats found them and fused with the entire building to create Super Cat.One fused with Tom Cruise and ..... well , you just imagine the rest.
[edit] Cats and Dreams
It has been assumed thus far that when people dream of cats, it is a subconscious admission to lesbianism, regardless of one's sex. However, recently it has been proven that cats, who operate on an opposing sleep schedule to humans (diurnal vs. nocturnal) have a tendency to physically enter people's heads and roll around uncontrollably as if attached to a gyroscope. There currently does not exist a name for this phenomenon, but it's speculated that cats who partake in such activities enter through the nasal passage.
[edit] Cats and the world
It has been assumed that cats will not take over the world. In 1999, many people lost cat toys and this created WWCat. The cats, as it turns out, used the toys to crate a machine that could help them make human slaves. So, if you hadden seen this in the news, it was because they erased the memory by using the TARDIS with Doctor Mew.
[edit] Meerkats
Meerkats are not cats.
[edit] See also
- HowTo:Skin a cat
- LOLCats
- Tiddles
- Buttered-Cat Engine
- Kitler
- Long cat
- Cats Don't Dance
- Viking cat
- The Cheshire Cat
- Bonsai Kitten
- CATS
- The Cat in the Hat
- Catspace
- Cat's Meow
- Kitty Hawk
- Pussy
- The Pussycat Dolls
- Cat-Toast Device
- Catwoman
- Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats
- Eye Lasers
- Feral cat
- Cats are not your friends
- Cat Girls
- Megafelis
- Dog
- Kitty King
- Roller Cat
- Percy
- 101 uses for a dead cat
- Cats with guns
- Abbayuubie cats
- Fernando Burtoni
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[edit] Static Cling Cats
On October 4, 2003 a Japanese scientist, Suzuki Toyota, was petting his cat. He sat watching Pokemon when he had a great idea. We later interviewed him to hear his story.
"So Toyota, what gave you the idea of making your cat cling to things?"
Toyota spoke very little English but he had a translator to tell him then he would tell us in...fast broken English.
"I was sitting on couch petting my cat when I had a very good idea. I found my fingers being shocked. That gave me the idea of making it extremely able to make static cling."
"How did you get your cat to stick?"
"By static cling."
".....How did you enhance the chances of your cat clinging to stuff?"
"...Balloons."
He later demonstrated his technique. He brought his cat (Subaru) and set him on the couch. He got a blue balloon and rubbed it vigorously on the cat.
"Watch what happens when I pick him up and put him down on couch."
Instantly the cat stuck to the couch meowing.
"Does it hurt him?"
"....I don't think so."
He did many demonstrations including: the couch, the carpet, a sock, the wall, and unbelievably the ceiling. By the time it was over the cats looked like a puff ball.
He later showed that he could stick the cat to the one of his dogs.
He applied common sense with....butter. And came up with anti-gravity cats.
-Okatoo Newsweek Tokyo >October 6, 2001
Doctor Mew The cat version of Doctor Who, who drives around in a TARMIS, a machine that travels through space and time. He is well known in the cat world for transporting cats into the the oddest places to look for them.
