Rednecks

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Ŧĥīš ǻŕţǐċĺə įŝ ţǿŧāľŀŷ ìñçôмþŕéħėʼnşıßľě.
Ÿǿü čǽñ ħëłþ Ǜʼnçýċļöþęđĩä ßŷ ểǻŧıʼnġ ä çåŗǐβöǚ.

“They laik dem pertaters n' muracle whip sammages.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rednecks

“I masta'bate t' piktuhs of mahsilf chooin' tobaccer.”

~ Redneck on himself

“Those foulish odious beings actually consider themselves human?”

~ Proper English Guy on Rednecks

“"Dueling Banjos" is hard to play by yourself, 'less 'course you was born with 4 arms.”

~ Redneck on that song from Deliverence
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Rednecks.
A modern Redneck, Billy Joe Bob Beaumont-Terwilliker Guthrey from Hickory, North Carolina.
A modern Redneck, Billy Joe Bob Beaumont-Terwilliker Guthrey from Hickory, North Carolina.


Rednecks are known for their inbreeding and racism. A good example of a redneck is a toothless hilly billy bob joe bo asshole that drinks horse piss all day and is a nigger hater. Not only that they hate niggers.. but they also hate all other nations and only like them selves. All animal porn you see on the internet is taken by a redneck. The redneck women.... belive it or not.. they really do suck horse cock and dog cock!! A sub-hoomin species (Homo sapiens rusticus) foun' in th' United States, thunk t'be a descendant of Trimenjusfoot. Rednecks kin be identified by their pick 'em up trucks, gun racks on gun racks, rope, on over-alls, Budweizzu, cornfederate flags, "W" sticker an' chauvinist/racist attitudes. Communicashun between sech creatures include th' use of wo'ds sech as "Y'all", "Yeehaw! Fry mah hide!" an' "Git-R-Done!". Rednecks is usually see displayin' their "Southern Pride" despite their comically hilarious histree of racism, slavery, an' atrocity thet is th' staple of th' Blue Collar comedians. Eff'n yo' stumble upon a redneck, does not inrage it, thet will result in an instant ass-kickin'. Eff'n yer black, homosexual, autistic, o' an independent woomin wif an IQ higher than 'SPAM' it is bess to git outta th' South as soon as postible, as they doesn't take kindly t'yer type. Rednecks is th' swo'n inemies of hippies, autists, black varmints, Muslims, dimuhkrats ('cepen fer them dimuhkrats what be rednecks theyselves), communists, wimmen, rich varmints an' ejoocated varmints.

Uh commun miscunsepchun be th' idea dat rednecks only live'un da south. But ifin's ya ain't careful ya could jus as easlie find yo'self cornhol'd in Bakersfield, CA or eny utha rural town in eny utha state fa that mattu. Jus visit any tral'r pawk fer pig skweelin lessuns.

Contents

[edit] Th' Langage

Th' follerin' is a list of commonly used phrases:

  • "Squirt th' dirt" - Phrase indicating one is going to urinate.
  • "Makin' Mud" - Phrase indicating that one has diarrhea.
  • "Ffffang'iit roun' th' corna yaaww" - Indicating to undergo positive acceleration whilst piloting an automobile around a corner; aiming to obtain a state of drift.
  • "Hepyamaw" - Phrase used to inform a young child that their female parental guardian requires aid.
  • "Y'all come back now, Y'har?"- a term used t'info'm varmints of th' next box social, which usually hosts a large number of S&M sesshuns.
  • "Jeet yet?"- loosely translated as "have yo' ett up recently?"
  • "Comeeraminit" - Th' redneck is requestin' yer assistance. Waste no time in he'pin' them, fo' fear they will call yo' a fag, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
  • "Thims fightin' werds!"- th' soun' made t'initiate a jool. Th' loser perfo'ms hari-kiri, follered by a fine ol' fashion pokin'-of-the-co'pse-wif-a-stick. Shet mah mouth!
  • "Aw shit we gon miss th' Dukes"- Usually meant as a way t'info'm varmints thet their favo'ite show is about t'come on, although their is debate whether rednecks love th' Dukes Of Hazzard o' th' Masterpiece Theater mo'e.
  • "Faggots git out! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!"

[edit] Preferred Vittles

A Redneck's natural enemy is the bear. A Redneck's only defence is to beat the bear off with a big ass fish.
A Redneck's natural enemy is the bear. A Redneck's only defence is to beat the bear off with a big ass fish.

When a redneck wakes in th' mo'nin' it commonly brushes it's teeth wif a fo'k covahd in baby oil t'clean their mouths as their mouth probably already smells like someone took a deooce in it. Rednecks typically feed on McDonald's, Hardees, pawk rinds, macaroni salad, gizzards, country buffets an' the followin':

(Hey that sounds kinda like...)
Hang on! Lemme finish:

(Aw, nevermahnd!)

Although a Redneck kin survive fo' its intire trailer-boun' exissence on these staples, they tend t'git bo'ed wif this hyar hyar limited fare an' like t'divahsify their diet. Alternatives include Taco Bell, Burger Kin', Kittens, Beer (th' 6th Redneck grubgroup), an' thin's they killed wif their 12-gauges. These thin's include but is not limited t'Postum, Raccoon, an' Hamster.

[edit] Redneck Social Class Indicater

Unlike them other hoomins who fight on over social status, rednecks knows whar they stan' based on their residence.

  • High Class - A real house
  • Upper Middle - one o' them double wides
  • Lower Middle - plain old sin'le trailer
  • Low Class - a Trouse (a trailer thet has been added unto {trailer-house})
  • Below White Trash - Natakua, aka Spir't War'ter, Cawk Surker or From Indiana or old skool bus
  • Us - Outside somewhere

[edit] History of Rednecks

Main article: Redneck Empire


When th' south finally won th' Civil war in 2000 wif th' eleckshun of Dubya, rednecks populashun sploded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Hatched fum eggs incubated in moonshine, rednecks whar th' disposable clone armah designed t'win th' civil war. Wif no war t'fight, rednecks corntinued their misshun fum th' sacred texts of allah, th' destruckshun of dem faggot's (John-Boy 13) Dem faggots include the: Jews, Mexicans, french, animals, democrats, blacks, an' the dawgoned-est hated inemah of all, th' sober. Armed wif shotguns an' jacked up pickup trucks, th' NRA (Nashunal redneck armah) corntinues their sacred misshuns, an' wif speckacular success. Majo' NRA companies, sech as John-Boy Deere, Chattanooga Daniels, an' Ezekiel th' Cable guy inc. haf funded this hyar freedom fightin' o'ganizashun.

Redneck public transportation
Redneck public transportation

[edit] Thems that can read and whut can do math

They suck eggs

[edit] Bitch Ole Boys

A redneck couple, with the man looking like a your typical wife beater and the woman wearing a confederate flag as a dress.
A redneck couple, with the man looking like a your typical wife beater and the woman wearing a confederate flag as a dress.

[edit] Where you can find Rednecks

[edit] Rednecks in Popular Culture

[edit] Signs

You might be a redneck if...

  • You think that Iraq is Tits made by apple.
  • your toilet is outside.
  • you listen to country music.
  • you huff kittens hourly.
  • run convient stores.
  • you're from Indiana.
  • have been shot in the neck...
  • own more than one musket.
  • your mother sang Sweet Home Alabama as a Lullaby to you as a child.
  • your role model is Larry the Cable Guy.
  • you slap your ass and yell "Kiss my ass!" (or better yet "Kiss my grits!") after getting told off by a non-southerner.
  • Your neck is red.
  • you act homosexual towards one another and then deny it after the horse-back riddin'.
  • you think NASCAR racing is America's past time
  • $100 is more than enough for a month worth of luxurys
  • Your house has wheels, but your car doesn't.

[edit] See also


[edit] A scientific side note

Recently an interesting discovery about rednecks has been discovered. After NASA detected an unidentified object in the upper atmosphere in orbit of earth, it was shortly determined that the object, a make-shift communications satelite (Constructed out of sheet metal, plywood and duct tape) had been put into orbit by a group of rednecks. These rednecks claim to have no memory of how the object was put into space, or how it is broadcasting them free HBO.

After many months of close observation and studies, scientists determined that rednecks actually have amazing untapped mental and engineering abilities. This section of the brain (stored in the lower right Mullet) is activated upon consumption on large amounts of alchohol (Studies involving drain cleaner are still underway).


[edit] Other objects built by inebriated rednecks


[edit] Rednecks and Incest

The family tree's of most documented rednecks look like trees that are in the act of eating themselves. To vague? Very well. The number one place for a Redneck to look for a mate is at the family reunion. You still don't get it? All right! REDNECKS LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH FAMILY MEMBERS!!! There. Don't you wish your parents weren't related before they conceived you, and you could have understood my subtle, "City-folk" way of putting things. All this inbreeding causes lots of mutations, and yes, these Rednecks are the inspiration for X-men. The main problem with Redneck incest is that they mate much to close to themselves in the family. (No, Masturbation is not incest) This is why some Christian Organizations have put together programs to teach the proper way to have sex with your family. For example, they teach that you should at least go out as far as Second Cousins to keep your Kids from looking like The Hills Have Eyes

[edit] Religion

See Kid Rock.

[edit] External links

The American Red States AKA Megatexas
Alabama - Alaska - Arizona - Arkansas - Colorado - Georgia - Idaho - Illinois - Indiana - Iowa - Kansas - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - Montana - Nebraska - Nevada - New Hampshire - North Carolina - North Dakota - Ohio - Oklahoma - South Carolina - South Dakota - Tennessee - Texas - Utah - Virginia - West Virginia - Wyoming - Washington
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Rednecks"
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