Cave

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What the inside of a cave looks like. Pretty eh?

Caves are giant, selfish holes in the Earth left by God for us to get lost in. It is advised by experts that, if you see a cave, don't go near it. Don't touch it. It is not a flat black dot on the side of a mountain, but rather a hole leading into it. Inside this hole can be a number of things, and if you had to roll a large boulder out of the cave entrance to get in, most likely Jesus. Well, maybe. Actually, you'll probably just get lost.

1 How Caves Were Made
2 Cave Formations
3 Fatal Mistake: Caves and Vortexes
4 Bats, And Why You Shouldn't Fuck With Them
5 The Darkness of Caves
6 The End Of Caves? No!
7 Famous Caves

[edit] How Caves Were Made

Caves are popular natural attractions, including this one in Gotham City

92% of the world's caves are found within granite rocks (large bodies of once molten rock that would have lava passageways flowing through them, leaving passages behind as caves) and 3% are formed within limestones. The other 5% are formed by big burly men with big beards and pickaxes known as miners who don't like canaries very much.

In the 18th Century, caves were widely believed to be the result of wild rabbits licking rocks, although some bearded people known as speleologists (derived from the Latin words "logist" and "speleo", meaning scientist and let's get muddy respectively) still believe this today. Other ridiculous claims have also been thrown around the ballpark, such as the following:

Formed by the underground tracks / pathways or large moles or snakes.
Formed by acidic rainwater dissolving and eating away at the rocks.
Old remnants of the ancient telephone wiring system before broadband was introduced.
Dwarves building new homes after the demon from Lord of the Rings moved in.
Dug out by those people from The Descent.
Or the most logical reason, aliens who wished to test how kick ass their knew laser beams were and they decided to use it on mountains but obviously if you have seen ALIEN then you would know that they all suck

Other features called shakeholes or blowholes may also be found and are formed when jets bomb a cave roof or a meteorite breaks through on impact. This is why Tennessee contains so many caves.

[edit] Cave Formations

Another cat stuck down a sinkhole - a constant nuisance to cave rescue teams the world over

Speleothems (or cave decorations to your Average Joe) are decorations left by cave dwellers ever since man has walked the face of the Earth. The simplest forms of speleothems occur as cave paintings (often of horses, reindeer, wolly mammoths and Tyranosaurus Rex's) although beautiful deposits known as stalagmites and stalactites can also be found, thus ruining the lives of every kid who has to memorise the difference between those two fucking things.

Nobody really knows for sure how they really formed (as the oldest man was only 119 and wasn't around to see back then), but from carbon-dating (if there's carbon, there was a fire. If there was a fire, it was dark. It it was dark, it happened at night - result!), scientists believe that they are the remnants of neolithic man's snotters hanging from the roof / dripping down, fossilised over 10,000 years or so. No new stalactite has been formed since 1924, the year that Kleenex (or Kimberly-Clark to Americans) was finally invented. "If your snotter under the table beside the chewing gum goes hard overnight, imagine how hard it goes over thousands of years" a well respected speleologist once told the USGS/BGS.

Caves also form numerous holes in the ground, different ones with different names although very similar to annoy geomorphologists worldwide. Where caves sink underground, they are known as sinkholes where plugs (commonly of the volcanic variety) collapse to form gaping big holes in the ground. Other gaping holes known as blowholes tend to be more manmade features, commonly in bomb test ranges where the holes are 'blown' out of the ground by military aircraft. Just to confuse you even further, the resulting bomb holes also resemble shakeholes which look like filled in potholes.

[edit] Fatal Mistake: Caves and Vortexes

As you probably know from the quote above from some guy I know, caves look stunningly like black holes. The difference is obvious though: when you go into a black hole you are sent into a dark and infinite void. When you go into a cave you are sent into a dark and infinite void. See the difference?

So, stay away from caves, unless you want to be sucked into a black hole and thus throw off the entire space time continuum. The world's most dangerous cave is Étau Cave in France, claiming on average 1750 lives every year, which gave the name to caves as a whole as it is spelled evacuate backwards.

[edit] Bats, And Why You Shouldn't Fuck With Them

They are very cute and are friendly as long as you hug and kiss them first. They are descendants of birds. Scientists have located the time in history when this occurred, when opium became cheap and the peasants gave some birds some. This resulted in them being stoned which caused them to fall over but then opium became expensive so they cringed and dug in there feet resulting in their stoned, upside down look.

[edit] The Darkness of Caves

Caves are dark. Not just dark. Really, REALLY, dark. Heck, probably a few hundred Grues. The further you go, the more Grues. It gets darker than dark, it gets Extreme Dark. You'll be dead the minute you even look at Extreme Darkness. Light can't even shine in Extreme Darkness. You're screwed if you encounter it.

[edit] The End Of Caves? No!

Some people say we should end caves by filling them up with nuclear waste. But, the debate is heated. Opposers of this solution to caves use the famous argument of:

If you, like totally fucked this chick, and then one day you were all, hey, I wanna have me a booty call, and they were all, oh no you didn't, what would you do if the chick said, "I'm sorry, my vagina's full of nuclear waste? Now you know how God feels.

The pro-waste-storagers have yet to form a rebuttal.