Cedarburg
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Cedarburg, it's one of Wisconsin's most toured cities, yet it is incredibly boring to live in. Young citizens of this city are limited to activities like stone skipping, rock jumping, crawfish huffing (a relatively hazardous activity), and loitering on mainstreet. A precaution to anyone thinking of moving and raising a family here: DON'T DO IT. Try moving to Milwaukee instead. It's probably closer and your children can grow up around all the drugs and violence of Chicago, without the weird accent (and the Bears (who suck)). You can also try Guatemala, or the Congo, or even fucking Baghdad. Anywhere but Cedarburg. In fact, if you even set foot in Cedarburg, I will personally gouge your eyes out with a spork and then force your grandmother to dance the macarena until her legs fall off, or she dies (whatever comes first).
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[edit] Cedarburg Demographics
Today Cedarburg is populated with mortgaged-to-the-hilt weenies, their stick-legged wives, and bratty children who suffer from entitlement mentality. The typical Cedarburg man has never changed his car's oil, does not know what his children look like, and tends to wear coordinated ensembles when going downtown for coffee on Saturday mornings. The typical Cedarburg woman (wife v1.0) is deathly afraid of losing her husband to his younger secretary (wife v2.0) and spends 82.4% of her time at the spa in a vain attempt at keeping him from leaving her.((Cowbell)) The typical Cedarburg child spends 99% of his free time playing soccer and hockey, and 60.3% of his father's income on a Jeep Wrangler and iTunes. This figure will later climb to 120% when the child enters college and demands a new SUV under the pretense that the vehicle is safer than the old Wrangler after a night of beer pong. 56.4% of Cedarburg High School children cannot spell to save their lives, as evidenced by the various entries in this article. This fact is due in no small part to the teachers' union, which has officially mandated that its members surf Internet pornography for 57 seconds every Sunday. Dr. Kob owns everything you come in cotact with.
[edit] Location
Cedarburg, is a small city In Wisconsin. Located in nearly the middle of nowhere, it is just north of Milwaukee and about 10 feet away from The Apocolyptic Black Hole of Impending, but Not Quite Here Yet, Doom
[edit] The Founding of Cedarburg
The city of Cedarburg was founded in the year 1742 by a colony of leper outcasts (possibly from Illinois) known as the Cedar Lepers. They quickly settled in and began a peaceful life, soon after which they were killed by a pack of vicious rabid dogs. The city was rediscovered three years later by drugged-up indians who founded the first (and last) North American Kitten Huffing Empire(NAKHE). All the kittens in the area were wiped out as a result, and the indians made do with the area's abundance of crawfish. The crawfish proved to provide a much more "unique" high, as opposed to that of the kittens. The indians lived off of the crawfish until they were all captured and eatin by the first cannibalistic Americans to enter the area. The Americans settled in the area, and later gave up their cannibalistic ways.
The Americans (who apparantley became cannibals just to get rid of the indians (and because they heard they made good stew)) renamed the city after the first settlers and set out to fill the surrounding area with as much pollutants as humanly possible. The polluted water of Cedar Creek still causes genetic mutation in children today. An example would be when a young boy was pushed into Cedar Creek, he began to grow toes on his knees and his sweat became black. He later sued the park system in an effort to clean the creek, but they were too busy laughing at him to do anything about it. It is even spectulated to be the place where Chuck Norris was baptised, which may provide a logical answer for his kick-assedness. The Quarry Park in Cedarburg contains a very shallow, and very toxic pond. It is inhabited year round by a community of evil, mutated geese and catfish (that eat little children).The Quarry also has cedarburgs biggest hangout place for the teen offspring of the cedarburgians. The "Bench in the Tree." This was of course the druggy hangout spot until recently where the bench magicly disapeared. Many speculate that the bench was never actually there, but a hallucination by the druggys.
[edit] Cedarburg Today
Today Cedarburg is ruled by a large congregation of zombies called "Tourists". They rule the town with an iron fist and follow a constant cycle of touring and de-touring. They enjoy doing annoying things which include: Jaywalking, street, shop, and restaurant crowding, taking as much time to cross the road as possible, asking stupid questions, lollygagging, and being dumb enough to come here in the first place. They are especially scary during the three festivals where they demand that we sacrifice our newest born child to their three main gods. The god of winter, the god of strawberries, and the god of the harvest and wine. We are unsure as to whether or not these gods have names. Although we believe one of them to be "Kanichkakakanahealakebamont" (Kaah-nICH-ka-kaka-a-nay-lock-bay-mont.) The tourists usually spend these festivals chanting and screaming (which sounds similar to that of a cat in a mircrowave). During the last festival it was documented that 12,000 Irish were horribly mutated due to their druken wander that led them to Cedar Creek.
[edit] Cedarburg Police
Since Cedarburg is such a small town the Police have nothing better to do then pick on anyone between the age of 13 and 18, mainly because they just get so damn bored. They are contantly in a state of policing because of the incredibly small crime rate Cedarburg. They sit around and when some teen is walking around mainstreet they automatically assume that they are "up to no good". They think up a story to pin on you as they casually walk in your general direction (such as stealing money from old people). No matter what you do, according to them, you are always wrong and have absolutely no chance whatsoever of getting out of trouble for doing nothing. The police hate every minor that lives in this town. If you live here, I suggest you just stay in your house and eat hot pockets. If choose to go out, and do so at night, avoid all major roads. They patrol the streets to fight all forms of crime (or everything). The Fuzz carry tazers, shotguns, riot sticks, doughnuts, M16 Rifles, Rocket Launchers, Cheese Whiz and many other various objects on their persons at all times. As you can see, the town is very good at spending its yearly budget. In conclusion, avoid the po-pos at all caust. If you feel it is nessacary to talk to them, make sure you keep eye contact and do not, I repeat, DO NOT stare at their mustache! They take great offense to this and will unleash a team of viscious rabid possums on you.
This section was unfunny, so it has been avenged.
Cedarburg kids do too many drugs. This is because they are angsty due partly to the fact that they are white, suburban, bored and partly Illinoisan, but mostly because their town is a sterile place devoid of life.
[edit] The Students of CHS
The students of CHS consist of three main food groups that can be arranged vertically as follows:
The "Nerds"-the smallest of the three groups, but the most needed
The "Jocks"-the middle group who's power is growing under the new principal
Everyone Else-the largest of the three, but also contains no real power within the walls of CHS
In fact, one might compare CHS and it's structure to pre-revolutionary France and the National Assembly.
[edit] The "Nerds"
The "Band Geeks", "Computer Nerds", "Grade Grubbers", and any combination of the three are the force that keeps the school funding. With their insatible need for good grades and participating in extracurricular activities no one in their right mind, except for school boards(who aren't really human), care about, they keep the money from Jim Doyle rolling in. The sad part is that their population is decreasing due to a recent & ongoing war for dominance of the smart children. Currently an unknown group who are calling themselves the "Master Debaters" is winning this war, but this happens seasonally every year, although their power grew more than usual due to an unusually high turn out rate this year. The marching band in Cedarburg, however, provides another useful service. They serve as the local area firing squad for public executions. You can find most of CHS's nerds to have a K somewhere in their name. Maybe a Q without a U following it as well. The Olympic event of the nerds in CHS is the PONG. This is a collection of geeks and their computers in the lunchroom where they trade porn and downloaded movies.
[edit] The "Jocks"
The jocks/rednecks/sport all-stars use their brute force and dumb sense of reasoning to own the school in the eyes of the students, but not necessarily the faculty. In CHS, they enjoy acting like they own everything(and fortunately it isn't hard to get them to think that) and will do everything they can to keep it that way. The football players are above the law. If something happens between you and the "jock" and the "jock" is completely in the wrong and what they did is illegal, they will not be tried or put to justice till after sport seasons. Don't expect anything from the Cedaburg police, as you can read from the article above. So pretty much, the jocks control the student population.
[edit] Everyone Else
The final and least important tier of this pyramid is everyone else. They really have no idea what is going on and to them ignorance is bliss. No one actually cares about them and they simply exist to give the "jocks" someone to rule over. They don't benefit society in any way, but we tell them they are special anyways, just to make them feel good until they get out of Cedarburg and into the real world. Which, by the way, Cedarburg is not part of, but is in fact, an alternate dimension of white people. This alternate dimension is caused by the Apocolyptic Black Hole of Impending, but Not Quite Here Yet, Doom. So, the only reason Cedarburg exists as we know it is because of this black hole.
-(Note: The subject of this article was shifted due to the shear unimportance the original subject and, in fact, I don't even remember what the original subject was.)
-(Note of the Note: I just thought you should know that)
-(Completely Different Note, yet the Most Important: All of these subdivisions pale amongst even the lowest member of Grafton High School, their arch-rival)
[edit] The Cedarburg IMC
IMC stands for Inter-Multimedia Cult. This is a place where students can go for study hall, use computers, look at porn, and etc. However, as soon as one steps into this seemingly lovely, comforting learning center, they are immediately subjected to their loss of free will, life, and fun. The IMC is run by 4 rulers: Three heiresses of Fascism and the all mighty Social Contract. (Earth shakes in fear of the mentioned contract)The Social Contracts rules the human beings. (If those seemingly nice ladies can even be called human) Everything and anything is subjected to the Social Contract. Working together to make it a nice learning environment, keeping law and order, and other shit. We then have to sign it with our blood, just to make it official. It has something to do with black magic. Anyways, some us asked if we had to sign it because they said it is voluntary. We were then told if we went even an inch out of line, they would ass rape us... Yeah, I know. NO warnings or anything! Totally unfair. I want my ass-rapeing to at least be justified. So, basically we are forced into their fascist idea of freedom. The other thing is, they don't catch half of whats going on there! iPods blazing, cell phones going off, hell, I want to get shit done in peace. I bet i could be screwing some chick, who is a screamer, and not get caught. You may ask why go here if it is so hellish. Well, ask me nothing and I shall tell you no lies.
[edit] Cultures and Races in Cedarburg
It is generally noted that Germans rule Wisconsin, but Cedarburg has many more white-ass bitches to offer than those fucking Germans. For example, many Irish run rampant in this town especially on nights and weekends. There were 2 documented Armenians in Cedarburg, but they were promptly shot seeing as Armenians are so fucking annoying. Italians also own a few shops and it is common knowledge that the Italian mafia has an embassy in Cedarburg. The mafia is known to have been the leading contributor to the Piggly Wiggly massacre, where 12 people were killed for only $1. Some Polish children have been reported cavorting in the sewers, but no one is sure if this is a myth or just an invasion of those damned Poles. One final white minority is rumored to exist and that minority is the French, but it is believed that any French here are hiding, possibly with the Poles, like the pussies they are. And, of course, the town is also teeming with tourists. Conlict between the gull-like tourists and mafia over domination of the "city" has since escalated into the Tourist-Mafia War, which still plagues the towns sleepy [cough"boring"cough] streets.
Cedarburg culture focuses mainly on alcohol. Every night in Cedarburg is celebrated with a keg and a nice beating of the children. These drunken stupors are especially bad on holidays and days the town of Cedarburg deems "eventful." Beer and wine can be conveniently found on any street corner in Cedarburg, but the bottles are usually finished off 5 minutes before you get there.
[edit] Drugs in Cedarburg
Although most of the kittens used in the ritual "Kitten Huffing" have since died off, many Cedarburgians have now reinstigated into this once massive craze. It has become a severe and devastating problem because these kittens have been being mixed in with other drugs such as, Marijuana, DXM (Coricedin Cough & Cold, or Robotussin), Mushrooms, MDMA (Ecstacy),Heroin, and Air Dusters (Huffing Computer cleaning spray). The Cedarburg Police Department has made many desperate attempts to stomp out all of this craze which continues as many students main passing time as an after school (or during school) activity. While all of their attempt have failed, they do still walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment. As an example, back in November of '06 the schools new prinicipal started the schools first locker drug searches, and came up completely empty. It has been said as a rumor that all of Cedarburg was founded, on its massive import and distribution of illigal substances. Marijuana can be smelt on every street corner throughout the city, and it again has been said it is in part with the Italian Mafia as the main distributor and supplyer of all of the drugs.
Please note that the reason this section is so fucked up is because it was written by the 287th ranked student in the class of '08. (Out of 288)
[edit] Cedarburg Park Systems
Many of the problems with the zombies in Cedarburg today may have come as a result of the poor sanitation of parks. Rescent studies of O RLY Corporation have determined that there is an increased rate in radiation since the year 2001. One example would be Pioneer park, possibly the most dangerous place known to mankind. Ironically, Pioneer Park is right near the only place in Cedarburg that middle class citizens and lower live. The park officials do not like them, because they do not have access to as many drugs as they do, as a result of them having less money. They want to make the "poor" people suffer as much as possible with a pond that occupies most of the park. Many people who live there look at the pond and find it as a valid place to find some drug replacements, but little do they know that the fluids inside the pond actually harm people, unlike drugs such as marijuana and heroin found anywhere else in Cedarburg. That is the reason why all the "poor" people cannot get better jobs, as they are in such a stupor that they don't know the difference between Goldilocks and cheese. But if someone accidentally steps inside the pond, their limb will most likely decintegrate and fried away, followed by parasites eating at their body fore the rest of their life. This strange high also attracts the zombies to visit Cedarburg more, however, they don't even know their intoxicated with it. Another park, known as Willowbrook Park, has a pond with other highly addictive drug substitutes. The drugs found in that pond are so addictive, that not even Jesus could find a way out of it. However, this pond affects very few people, normally only those who find obscure hobbies such as spritesheeting or biology homework to be enjoyable. (Yes, Jesus loved biology)
There is another park known as the Mayor Stephen A. Fischer Park, which is a comfortable place where people get very high, then start rolling around and get pains in their shoulders. With the increased rate in helio-oxide, random pains begin to occur, ending in dramatic muscle pains and spasms worse than eighth graders from Webster. Rats are overrunning cedarburg. If you drive down washington avenue at 2:30 in the morning that is all you will see. (Beware you will be pulled over if under the age of 18 due to the 11 oclock curfew)<< (What ever Cedarburg dumbass put this in, the curfew only affects those who are under 16 years of age, On the day of their 16th Pussy pushing out, the curfew is lifted.)
