Cello
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The 'Cello' (also known as the X big violin, the big viola, and the small bass)is a musical instrument which is comprised of 8, 16, or 32 cups of varying sizes. The cups are known as jigglers and for this reason, one who plays the Cello is a 'Jiggler'. The Cello jigglers are filled with varying amounts of a gelatinous substance, which is confusingly called cello. The jigglers are placed in a circle, with the jiggler holding the least amount of cello at the top.
The Cello is played by striking the jigglers with a rubber mallet, which produces a musical tone.
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[edit] The difference between Cello and cello
When reading about the Cello, there is often confusion about whether the author is referring to the instrument as a whole, or the gelatinous substance. This confusion is quickly removed once the reader notices that the name of the gelatinous substance is not capitalized, whereas the name of the instrument is.
In verbal communication about the Cello, this distinction is not needed (eg, one need not say "Capital Cello") because the instrument name is pronounced with a hard C sound as Kello while the gelatinous substance is a soft C as chello)
[edit] Facts About Jigglers
- despise violinists
- known to be extremely promiscuous
- often go into prostitution
- experience deja vu
- really, really like orange things
- don't wear clothes on Tuesdays in March
- experience deja vu
- tend to leave home when they turn 16 in the hope of finding a better place, like Neverland
- are oft to masturbate viciously and painfully behind the cello, hence the stupid faces cellists make
- they chew canonballs instead of gumballs
- primary suspects of the murder of Pachelbel
[edit] About the gelatinous substance
The cello used in the Cello is typically made from a mixture of powdered goat hooves, water, corn syrup, and food coloring. The best cello is made by elves and is only used in the highest quality Cellos. There is an urban legend that Bill Cosby gave the elves the recipe for cello in an effort to persuade them to perform as backup singers on one of his Christmas albums. This was proven to be untrue by the Myth Busters in their infamous episode #143 "Beating Down the Cosby Kids".
The amount of cello in each jiggler is precisely calculated so as to ensure that the jiggler produces an accurate musical tone when struck. The more cello is in a given jiggler, the lower the tone that jiggler will produce.
Actually it's more like cello pudding pop. No, actually it's like cello film. No, actually it's like the new cello, it'll jiggle around forever, heheheh.
[edit] Fun Facts
- Playing a rapid musical piece on the Cello is known as "Gettin' Jiggli wid it" because of the movement a person is required to perform so as to strike a jiggler with a mallet without hitting other jigglers in the circle.
- Cello players have been known to make their own cello using alcohol instead of water. This is referred to as a jig, primarily because when the Jiggler does this, they are prone to dance wildly from the waist down, while remaining stationary from the waist up so that they can continue to play.
- A virtually unknown composer of the Baroque era, named J.S. Bach (pronounced "Batch"),once made the mistake of believing that the Cello was in fact a stringed instrument. He therefore wrote six pieces (each comprised of six movements) that nobody has yet, or ever will, adequately play. To make matters worse, these "Cello Suites" are not traditionally performed as six pieces with six movements, but rather as thirty-six pieces comprised of one movement. Since the gelatinous Cello is not up to the task of this ridiculously complex music, it is up to the bassists and violists to do this music justice.
- Cellists are often seen alone in their apartment, drinking Slim Fast with their obviously gay yet somehow still in denial oboe friend as they pet the cat that they dually own. Generally the cellist will be doing all of the clitoris work and the oboe player stroking Minion . . . I mean the cat's various nipples and erogenous zones.
[edit] Noteable Jigglers
- Yoyo man - Most famous for being one of the few left handed Jigglers
- Bill Cosby - Also an Air Guitar virtouoso (See Bright Red Paper)
- Lobster Jesus - Developed a special Cello so he could play with his claws
- Will Smith - King of "Gettin' Jiggli wid it"
- Ben Sharrin - He is Raptor Jesus. His cello is made from solid light. The strings are made of diamonds. Don't ask about the bow.
- Doug Jenkins - Not really notable accept he replaced Lobster Jesus in Bright Red Paper
- Pueblo Castles - Most notable for his bald head and lifelong struggle to find a successful way to perform the Bach suites, which, alas, never succeeded.
- Christopher Phillpott - Is a very capable cellist and can play just as fast left or right handed. In fact, one time his dad walked in on him stroking his cello, and claimed his son could gain several beats per minute by alternating hands. Clearly an advanced masturba... musical genius, the likes of which this world has never seen, and should never have to see. Poor dad . . .
