Celtic

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WARNING
This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt,
drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.

Celtic train often to maintain the high standards that have been accociated throughout the clubs history

“I have nothing to declare except my strong support for Rangers. Who, without doubt are the best club in the world”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rangers

Celtic FC are a Golf Dancing club from Glasgow . They are nicknamed 'Chumps' and 'Oh no, not lost again'. Their name is usually abbreviated to CFC (Complete. Fecking. C**s)

Their home ground, Barlinnie Park, has had some of the greatest players in European football history grace its turf, most notably Enrico Annoni, and the not snow white Space Evander Snow. In recent years, Celtic has gained respect off the pitch for their relocation scheme for the homeless neds of Edinburgh, bringing them to sunny, crime-free Glasgow and giving them warm benches to sit on. Recent charity cases include Derek paedo Riordan, Paul small dick Hartley, Steven the queen Pressley and Kenny i'm shite at football Miller.

1 History
2 Season 06-07
3 Season 07/08
4 Club Culture
- 4.1 Fans
5 Honors
6 See Also
7 External Links

[edit] History

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Celtic.

[edit] Season 06-07

In the 2006-2007 seasons, Celtic effortlessly held off the challenge of all other teams in the Scottish Premier League, holding rangers by the baws during old firm games, while rangers hit back with their structured skills. This tactic worked so comprehensively, given the Papal conspiracy's successful installation of Paul le Guen as Glasgow Boonsookers manager, that Celtic were secretly awarded the league trophy in a champions ceremony in late November 2006, for the remainder of the season Celtic fielded a team of look-alikes to give the real stars a rest and still managed to rip rangers. These counterfeit McGeadys, Nakamuras and Lennon’s, in spite of their limited football ability, were more than capable of maintaining Celtic's deserved size of a horses ding dong lead over the rest of their SPL counterparts.

This uncanny team of replicas was initially given the simple task of defeating the other 'teams' in the Premier League. However, this was quickly deemed too easy, and they were instead instructed to 'let the diddies think they would win' until the 80th minute before delivering two late goals. This was a fun game btw; follow went into melt down every time. The only minor blip in this ploy occurred when the Kenny Miller fluffed his lines and managed to score a goal or two.

Towards the end of the season, Celtic made a concerted effort to delay the official award of their league trophy. (Even though the trophy was secretly presented at an award ceremony in November wink) This was represented in the hurting press as evidence of their manager's lots of ability and better tactical thoughts than the opposition manager but was in fact a necessary stalling action since the trophy itself was damaged in an attempt by a rangers fan to steal the trophy. Neil ginger whinger Lennon was scripted to play the part of a jubilant Celtic fan, literally up to his knees in blood and using the trophy as a chalice to scoop and slurp said blood. The blood was played by 30 liters of Ribena. Whilst furiously scooping, Lennon lost his grip on the chalice/trophy and it lodged itself in the stadium's awning.(aye you wish) Trophy Centre on Aitkenhead Road managed to nearly fully dent the trophy back out to its original shape and cleaned of all syrup, Celtic lifted the trophy after their next game against Kilmarnock FC.

[edit] Season 07/08

Celtic began their season with a hard earned draw at home to Athletico Kilmarnicko. Following in the shadows of Rangers for various weeks they finalyl took advantage of a road bump by there far superior rivals, who lost to Hertz.

However this was quickly undone with baffling 3-2 defeats to celtic, with there cleevr fans using "celtc" to try and confuse the home team into thinking they had been playing a european team.

Later, such displays from the Green and Greys would see them get demolished by Rangers 3-0, following a 1-0 loss to Rangers once again. The 3rd old firm saw celtic struggle on their best form to a Rangers team on a lovely day, however, like usual... their ability to score an injury time deserved winner.

On January 2nd, The 2nd old firm was meant to be played against Rangers, however... celtic exploited the late great (RIP) phil o'donnels death as their best player Ragin McJedi had got suspended 3 weeks prior to their 3-2 defeat to the mighty Real Inverness Caley.

Despite this postponment, rangers are in a comfortable position where.. they will most likely field a youth team in the final Old Firm, whilst celebrating the title being won a meer 3 weeks later.

Down to the line on the last game of the season, where it could have went anyway between, celtic or rangers for the title, The sheep shaggers in aberdeen (who rangers hate more than celtic) got a 2-0 win over rangers, and celtic won 1-0 against dundee united.

Thanks to rangers for giving us hope in a manager that we would have probably ditched, if it was't for rangers being so crap, that lead to us getting the title.

Another season passed for Steak Pie FC, but unfortunetly we are yet to win away, despite our "blue chip signings" It's payoor no fair man.

[edit] Club Culture

Most of Celtics history was stolen from Hibernian FC, who which they even wanted to sue their name "Glasgow Hibernian". This however was scrapped, and in the glory days of the 90s where their superior and greater neighbours won 9 league titles and limited celtics trophy count to 3 in 9 years.

Celtic fans will often used their Extinct cup run in 1967 as a valid point of argument, the only reason they use this though is because they have nothing else to better that of their superior neighbours.

It is often laughed at however, because of how poor this tournament was in the days of the 60s.

Celtic’s club song is You'll Never Walk Alone, they nicked it from Liverpool. Various claims that Celtic fans sang the song because they love Liverpool have been dismissed as 'laughable'. Another Celtic song of note is the gloriously jingoistic ode to that annoyingly hard version of snowfall, 'Hail Hail' which, of course, is also sung by Everton and most clubs in Britain. Celtic can claim 'Fields of Athenry' as their own, although many fans are perplexed as to how close a connection the Irish of western Scotland can have to a large Greek city. Indeed, most of their ditties have the square root of feck all to do with Scotland and even less apprently to do with football.

[edit] Fans

It is unknown if Celtic have any fans, as most of the people who travel to games generally communicate in Irish and are therefore incomprehensible. It is also known that "fans" think that they are irish , This is Known as 'McGeaditis'. Their trade-mark 'knuckles along the ground' walking technique is a symptom of a bizarre process of devolution among Glaswegians of the green persuasion. However, despite being a "scottish" team, most fan think they are Irish, and that Celtic is in NO WAY a British team. This however is quickly contradicted when these very smart celtic fans claim their club was "the first BRITISH team to win a european cup". A theory has been launched that Celtic fans are so devolved because Parkhead is actually a giant mobile phone mast. A recent investigation into the origin of the mast resulted in Celtic F.C. filing a law-suit against the phone company Orange. Celtic argued that that was the problem in the first place. Thier current manager wee Gooordaan Strachan has described them as having devil dogs and drinking 6 packs of Kestral. Celtic fans are known to be celtic-minded - born in scotland but singing irish songs, waving the tri-colour and thinking they are Irish when they are actually Scottish, hard as they will deny it.

Common factors to look for when trying to spot a Celtc 'Fan':

-Monobrow

-Eyes Crossing and around three intact teeth in their mouth.

-Ginger hair and a freckly face, quite often ravaged by the onset of heroin addiction and alcoholism

-Pish stained troosers, again linked into alcoholism.

- A huge swinging crucifix dangling from their neck, even though most couldn't tell you what the inside of a chapel looked like.

-The obligatory "green 'n' grey" shirt, or 'ra hoops' as the native call it. Often their only garment of clothing, never washed thus changing from white to grey.

[edit] Honors

“I think there’s a binary opposition here, victory and Celtic? Together?”

~ Claude Levi Strauss on Celtic

European Cup 1967. During the 80's/90's the sum of their efforts amounted to a Tennents Sixes.

For other honours, see Rangers FC and add Take away about 20 from the final total then you will se how pitful they are against thier Glasgow rival Rangers