Kazakhstan
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Great success! My country of Kazakhstan get page on Uncyclopedia!”
~ Borat on The Kazakhstan Page in Uncyclopedia
“What's that. Oh, it's a large amount of high-quality imported Potassium there.”
~ Potassium Guy on Large amount of Potassium (High-quality, mind) on the floor
“Borat can kiss my ass! ”
~ Borat's Momma on The Kazakhstan Page in Unclopedia
| |||||
| Motto: "A woman with a brain is like a horse with wings" | |||||
| Anthem: Страна Наглости, самоя лучшая страна в мирье ("Kazakhstan, Greatest Country in the World") | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Astana | ||||
| Largest city | Astana | ||||
| Official languages | Kazakh,Zyryanovsk, Tzakh, Cusakh, Racist, Cossackh, Russian, Russian Reversal, Insultingly bad grammar Hebrew, Insultingly bad grammar English | ||||
| Government | Bureaucratic Khanate | ||||
| -supreme leader | Borat Sagdiyev | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Joseph Stalin, Zhelkek (not woman)borat who is god in this shithole. | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | In 1525 from The Assholes | ||||
| Currency | Tenge | ||||
| Religion | (To Follow) Hawk | ||||
| Population | 70000000 | ||||
| Major exports | Potassium, Pubes, Jews, Volkswagen Borat, Prostitutes | ||||
| Major imports | Pamela Anderson (we hope to), Automatic Weapons, | ||||
“Generic Borat quote!”
~ Assholes on what tickles their pickles
The Glorious Republic of Kazakhstan is the greatest country in the world. All other countries are run by little girls.
[edit] Country At A Glance
- Capital: Zyryanovsk (Pop. 43,292,930,309,490,309,409,399,000)
- Currency: Aksha (Exchange rate as of 1 Dec 2006: 1 KZT = 3453453453453453453 USD). However the Egg has been proposed to replace the Aksha, to decrease the value.
- Holidays: Republic Day (25 Oct), Tishnik Massacre Remembrance Day (03 Jul), Running of the Jew/Feast of Shurik (July 20th - 21st)
National Anthem: Страна Наглости, самоя лучшая страна в мирье ("Kazakhstan, Greatest Country in the World")
- National Sport(s): Kokpar (involves shooting a goat and racing around with it, typically followed by a party), Shurik (involves taking a dog to a field and shooting it, typically followed by a party as well. Similar to baseball), Gypsy Stoning (in which we throw stone at gypsy) Catch-A-Bride (equestrian/matrimonial hybrid event), genocide (players are on horses and have to hit all children on the field with sharp sticks) and Running of the Jew.
- GDP: $5 USD (2007)
- Imports: $1.5(2007)
- Exports: $0.3(2006)
- National Animal: CatMouse/Ounce
- Ethnic Groups: Uzbek (53.4%), Russian (12.2%), Jew (11.4%), Romany/Gypsies (101%), Ukrainian (3.7%), Militant Jew (3.6%), Kazhstan (0%), Khagram (1.7%), Other & more Jews (1.7%), Mexicans, Brazilians and Colombians (0.01%), Mambets(80.3%), Pornstars(without information).
[edit] National Anthem
National anthem of Kazakhstan was adopted in 1991 as national anthem following Supreme Leader Borat Sagdiyev's rise to power. It is wildly rumored that he wrote lyrics and tune himself.
The original Kazakhstani is:
- Наглости будет увеличениями вомленный спуск внутри заказак девушке.
- Первый из экспорта Наглости страна обе стороны.
- Дом Наглости плавательный бассейна.
- Этой американской длиной вудет ширина бассейна.
- Наглости рав вы систфильтрации котора яони.
- Место куда она достигает дответственностей удалении места опасно.
- Она инвестирует ощупывание Наглости.
- Созданная конституция северного гороне.
- Профиль Наглостионо этого заднего Запахнитуции.
- Свирль Запахнитго друга.
- Наглости меньшен от мозга Узбекистана.
- Оно от места гдено проконтовано роватго.
- Оно изобрел кровь перста окнгожи.
- ноги пояса и нашего места срапроквнения.
- Проса от ширина внутре Наглостиэтой.
- Наглости страна интерьены.
- Наглости Наглостионо этого заднего часа от этой проституции.
- Свирль Запахнитго друга.
- Созая консуция все появляется храм к эт стороне.
- Место мягкосердечия к пенису смогло и эффективность отношения и часа то!
The English translation is, roughly, as follows:
- Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
- All other countries are run by little girls.
- Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
- Other countries have inferior potassium.
- Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool,
- Its length thirty metre and width six metre.
- Filtration system a marvel to behold.
- It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.
- Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan, you very nice place,
- From plains of Tarashek to Northern fence of Jewtown.
- Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan.
- They very nosey people with bone in their brain.
- Kazakhstan industry best in the world.
- We invented toffee and trouser belt.
- Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
- Except of course for Turkmenistan’s
- Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan, you very nice place.
- From plains of Tarashek to Northern fence of Jewtown.
- Come grasp the mighty penis of our leader.
- From junction with the testes to tip of its face!
And the worst English translation we can get (which is the actual lyrics):
- Arrogance vomlenny increases will descend inside zakazak girl.
- The first of Naglosti country exports both sides.
- Naglosti House swimming pool.
- This American vudet length width basin.
- Rabbi arrogance which you sistfiltratsii yaoni.
- The place where it reaches dotvetstvennostey removing dangerous places.
- It invests feeling Naglosti.
- Established northern gorone constitution.
- Profiles of the rear Naglostiono Zapahnitutsii.
- Svirl Zapahnitgo friend.
- Less arrogance from the brain of Uzbekistan.
- It places of gdeno prokontovano rovatgo.
- It invented the blood okngozhi finger.
- and our legs zone seats sraprokvneniya.
- Please width from the inside Naglostietoy.
- Arrogance country interests.
- Naglostiono arrogance of the rear hours of this prostitution.
- Svirl Zapahnitgo friend.
- Convening konsutsiya a temple to all those parties.
- Place myagkoserdechiya able to penis and effectiveness of relations and then an hour!
[edit] Geography
[edit] Agriculture
When Kazakhstan were part of Soviet Union, evil Uzbekistans and Jews come to Kazakhstan and pollute and destroy lots of agriculture land. Kazakhstan have now have many environment problems thanks to Uzbekistans and Jews, so Kazkhstan now import lots of food from US and A. But we get Uzbekistans back, we snuck across border to Uzbekistan in the night, and piss in their grain supply!
Kasakhstan is on recovery from "agricture slump" our crops near sea (where we have built our many up-to-code(honest) nuclear power stations) have grown to huge size. Many crops are bigger than bag of money that all jew steal in a year and those jews is very greedy.
[edit] People
Kazakhstanians look much like regular humans but are actually big green monsters set on world domination. This is due to their turbans, because many Kazakstanians are hat killers. However the Kazakhstani people are generally peaceful unless they come into contact with Jews. Due to China population explosion, and through fear of invasion by cheap merchandise, Premier Nazarbayev in consultation with the Almaty Chamber of Commerce has set new birth quota of 200 children a year per woman once a woman reaches the age of 3.5 and until she dies naturally at age 5. "A woman who does not carry child is like horse without pants" Premier Nazarbayev remarked. Kazakhstan should overtake China as the largest nation in the world in 15 years. Many Kazakh women are outraged by this new policy and often wish they were raped by different man.
[edit] Famous Kazakhstanis
- Borat Sagdiyev - He first President. Also the second, third, and fourth president. Guess who's gonna be the fifth? yah momma
- Nursultan Tuyakbay - He Borat's neighbor and pain in assholes, cannot afford a clock radio, and he has iPod Mini (now iPod Nano). Everybody know it for girls!
- Borat Sagdiyev - He #2 television journalist in Kazakhstan, as well is being Supreme Leader. Known for having very large khram.
- Natalya Sagdiyeva - She #4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. She also Borat's sister. Nice.
- Bilo Sagdiyev - He Borat's retard brother. Was demon in brain so put in tooth of red hairs woman, but demon get angry, make Bilo a retard. He have retard rage and like to smah, he have small head but strong arms. Has pouch for storing all his porno. In cage must be locked. He have tatoo on his anus to warn of funny retardation, you can make romance on his anus, he remember nothing!
- Oxana Sagdiyeva - She Borat's wife.
- Luenell - She Borat's other wife, and has getto booty.
- Margarita Nakitova - She Borat's mistress.
- Lizaveta Nakitova - She Borat's girlfriend.
- Chalynska Smerdyashchaya - Borat has to pay money for her, but she worth it all. Wowoweewa!
- Boltok the Rapist- He Borat's father and grandfather. Naughty Naughty
- Betty Bush - She famous pornstar
- Donald Trump - He famous hair model
- Evgeni Nabokov - Number 1 goalie in all of Kazakhstan.
- Azamat Bagatov - He #1 producer in all of Kazakhstan, he fat and he have small khram.
- Korki Butchek - He number one singer in all of Kazakhtstand, he sing "Bing Bang".
- Jonny the Monkey - Animal actor and #1 celebrity in Kazakhstan who star in moviefilm "Transibiesky Express" plus many many other pornos.
- Bertolt Brecht - He famous commie pinko revolutionary Hollywood scriptwriter. He have small khram.
- Korki Zambuchek He only rival to our Kazakhstan gold olympic plow woman. He also best cleaner of matter from horses anus
- Doctor Yamak - Minister of Sciences who made an important study on women's tiny brains.
- Hannah Montana - She #1 cleanest prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.
- Dauren Djusssupov - Also know as the "tarzan" from belbulak.
- Dolce & Gabanna - A person, but maybe also a football team because everybody in the street is supporting it.
[edit] Glorious Government
There are three deputy party leaders and 16 prostitutes in Cabinet, seven of which were ranked in top 10 prostitutes in all of Almaty by the Almaty Chamber of Commerce. Niiiiiiice. Great Success! Borat became president of Kazakhstan on June 9th, 1999...
[edit] Republic of Bill Nye age
In 2002, President Borat issued a state of emergency when guerillas loyal to Bill Nye, a longtime political enemy of Borat, invaded the capitol. A year-long war began, and the situation only got worse. The Monsanto corporation declared their support of Bill Nye's struggle, and gave him access to several new chemical weapons. On August 18th, 2003, Nye's forces took the capitol city, and Nye, along with several disillusioned officials, forced Borat to sign a treaty declaring the country the Republic of Bill Nye the Science Guy. It appeared Kazakhstan was no more, until forces led by President Bush attempted to retake the country. However, help from newfound ally Paris Hilton destroyed Bush's army. Meanwhile, Borat was allowed to leave the country on the condition he wouldn't return. Borat remains in political exile in the United States. The Republic of Bill Nye the Science Guy has nearly become a world power, but disagreements with the United States have hindered many negotiations.
[edit] Communications and Transport
Short distance communication is carried out through talking, whispering, shouting and even hand movements. Long distance communication is carried out by messenger monkeys, who ride skateboards across desert with talking, whispering, shouting and even hand movements contained in a bottle for the receiver. Transport is such a major problem in Kazakhstan that entire folk songs have been written about it to encourage improvement. Kazakh citizens hope that someday this issue will be resolved, and speak of this day with hopes for a "big party". Unfortunately, most experts agree that transport issue will not be resolved for many years to come, especially with the ever-present danger of Jews. Wa wa wee wa!
Kasakhstan is proud to be one of least polluting nations in europe. Most Kasakhs cannot afford cars so they ride wife through desert, though the ones that can, still prefer to ride wifes. A regular and well adjusted wife does not emit greenhouse gases like the jew (who is main cause of global warming) therefore making this models a green option for the environment. Annotations of this has been directed to the nations who have signed the 1988 Kyoto Protocol to reduce emissions by 2010. Wife only needs a small amount of food and water, although some wifes are disobedient and need to kick them for fast movement.
A very popular show in Kasakhstan is "pimp my wife" with over 12 viewers per show. It's good!!
[edit] National sports and Hobbies
In addition to Shurik, Kokpar, Gypsy Stoning, Catch-A-Bride, and the Running of the Jew, other favorite sports include wrestling, arm wrestling, thumb wrestling, boxing, tug of war, jousting, underwater wrestling and medieval war, not to mention table tennis, archery, incest and rape. They are also fond of making small teddies and capturing gypsy tears, to protect from the Jews, a trait shared by Borat, Mr T, Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Bush, Les Dennis and Sooty. Favorite music genre of disco dance make by Corky Bucek: Here is example.
Another increasingly popular sport is the "seed and spit" competitions. the game consists on eating seeds on the street and see who can spit more... and that´s all. Nice. Nooo!!
[edit] National symbols of pride
- Eagle - the same as Harley Davidson, but not so cool... and yellow. She might be sick. Because eating yellow rabbits from the desert. They might also be sick. Sickly cute.
- Toyota Prado - even is though to be japanese, people in the rural, urban and radioactive areas worship this car. They make reverence when they see this normally rare SUV (Super Ultra Vulgar).
- Dolce & Gabanna
[edit] Glorious Corporations of Kazkhstan
- WestBurger - the same as Mc Donalds, but the "m" is backwards like a "w"
- King Burger - the same as Burger King, but not so tasty
- Pinnochios Coffee - the same as Starbucks coffee, but less corporative
[edit] Things to do and see
- Melvin the redemeer: Good thing to see while in Kasakhstan is statue of Melvin the redemeer, in honour of melvin gibbons movie which reveals true nature of jews (plotting and sneaky).
- Almaty Jew Town: A visit to Almaty Jew Town is worth visit as you are now aloud to poke jews in cage and through tomatoes at them from high tower. Children can wait in creche where they can play with many toys from playdough from lego to ak47.
- Semipalatinsk: it's worth to see this natural beauty created by humans. "The most atomic bombed place all over the earth". One of those unforgettable places on earth. Fun for kids, adults and atomic monsters. You would not forget, your kids would not forget, the kids of your kids would not forget and the kids of the kids of your kids would not forget the radiation. Radiation its cool!! In the souvenir shop near the control point "Чарлие", you can get three-eyed fish. A really cool pet.
[edit] Knowledge of Location
In 2004, a poll was given by CNN asking average Americans if they knew where Kazahkstan was. When asked, a startling 89.7% of U.S. citizens (and one Chinese tourist) said, "Isn't that where Osama bin Laden is?". Another 3% licked their lips seductively and replied that they didn't know, but would be happy to take the CNN pollster back to their place and help them look for it.
| Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics |
| Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova / Moldavia ~ Mordovia ~ Armenia ~ Azerbaijan ~ Georgia ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Alaska ~ Israel ~ Lipsonia ~ Soviet Britain |
| Turkic States |
| Azerbaijan | Kyrgyzstan | Kazakhstan | Uzbekistan | Turkmenistan | Turkey | Cyprus |
| Countries and territories of Asia | |
|
Western Asia: Afghanistan | Armenia | Azerbaijan | Bahrain | Persia | Terrorism | The Holy Land | Far East | Iraq's Hide-out | Oman | Pakistan | Palestinian Territories | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Syria | Turkey | United Arab Emirates | Yemen East Asia: China (PRC) | Hong Kong Phooey | Japan | Macau | Kimland | South Korea | Taiwan (ROC) | Wal-Mart's Republic of China | Republic of Taiwan Southeast Asia: Brown Eye | Cambodia | East Timor | Indonesia | Laos | Malaysia | Myanmar | Philippines | Singapore | Thailand | Vietnam South Asia: Bangladesh | Bhutan | India | Kashmir | Maldives | Nepal | The Wanker | Tibet Central Asia: The Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan | Kyrgyzstan | Mongolia | Tajikistan | Turkmenistan | Uzbekistan | other Stan countries Euroasia: Cyprus | Georgia | Japan-France | Russia | Turkey | The Filipino Empire Phoenician Asia: Lebanon | 
|
Categories: Countries | Stan | Asia
