Cereal killer
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- "Serial killer" redirects here. For actual serial killers, see Serial killers. (Why didn't you say so?)
A cereal killer is one who has committed cereal murder; cereal murder (or breakfast murder) is the killing of one breakfast food item by another, or the killing of one cereal mascot by another. It can also describe human on cereal murder. Below are several popular examples.
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[edit] The CRAZY good Pop-Tart Conspiracy
In the late 80's, the suspected breakfast mob family known as Kelloggs, was a point of interest in the media after the CRAZY good Pop-Tarts rebelled against them, thus hiring Yuff the Puff to eliminate Corn Pops. Luckily, before the hit could be carried out, the hitman was arrested for tax evasion. This was the first incident of attempted cereal murder.
[edit] Cookie Crisp
Cookie Crisp has seen its share of tragedies over the years:
[edit] Cookie Jarvis
Cookie Jarvis, the former icon for the popular Cookie Crisp cereal was reportedly killed in 1983. Although the case has gone unsolved, two of the original main suspects were the Trix Rabbit and OJ Simpson.
[edit] Cookie Crook and Officer Crumb
In 1997, the Cookie Crook was killed after being a victim of hit and run; the driver was Officer Crumb. Although he was absolved of charges, he died later that evening in an intense shoot-out with your mom.
[edit] Chip the Cookie Hound
Chip the dog was murdered by the new mascot who is a convicted pedophile. Chip was forced to have a sex-change and dress-up like a woman until killed by suffocating on Tommy Lee's giant *large explosion and screams*
[edit] Victims of Cereal Murder
- Coco the monkey
- Snagglepuss
- Wally the Bear (died in 1987)
- Apple Head
- Strawberry Shortcake
[edit] Convicted Cereal Killers
- Cornelius (Corn flakes rooster)
- Evidently, Cornelius got into a very brief cockfight with one of the Freakies from the Freakies cereal. Cornelius creditied his win to his large talons.
- Kellogs, profited massively from the illegal fight. Betting big money on Cornelius to win. Some say that the fight was fixed, and kellogs is to blame.
- Dig 'Em Frog, for his spooning to death generic mascots, was turned into a pure gold statue in Quahog, Rhode Island
Some of the more famous yet unsung cereal killers were actually mob bosses for the Kelloggs:
- Snap, Crackle and Pop
- Tony the Tiger
- Capitan Crunch
- Calliou
- Ed Edd n Eddy
- Toucan Sam
- Oscar Wilde
- Dora the Explorer
- Al-Qaeda
- OJ Simpson
- Jimbo Wales
- Mr. 3-nuts
- Morgan Freeman
- Donald Trump
- Shrek
- The entire continent of Antarctica.
- Muhammad Ali
- Frodo from Lord of The Rings
[edit] Psychology
Many expert psychologists, such as Dr. Zhivago and Dr. Phil, have come forth with results over the years indicating that cereal icons are more prone to these types of behavior because of evident addiction(s) and having very impressionable and gullible personalities. For example, the Trix Rabbit has admitted to being in a rehabilitation clinic, twice. Below are more examples of crime within the cereal icons:
- Lucky (the Lucky Charms mascot) - smuggler and drug pusher
- Tony the Tiger - mob boss
- Snap, Crackle, and Pop - a trio of mob hitmen
- Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (Cocoa Puffs bird) - apparent cocoa addict
- Toucan Sam - a homosexual Froot Loops addict
- Trix Rabbit - addict of all things Trix and intellectual property thief
- Cornelius - convicted cereal killer
- The Guy On the Quaker Oatmeal Logo - convicted pedophile
- Horatio Magellan Crunch (Cap'n Crunch) - suspected of piracy
- Aunt Jermima - frequent prostitute and suspected of murdering Betty Crocker and Mrs. Butterworth
- Count Chocula - a suspected pimp; convicted murderer and rapist
- BooBerry - assistant mob boss
- Frankenberry - mentally unstable
[edit] Man vs. Cereal
Human beings can be classified as cereal killers as well, like the infamous Ed Nargley. This next section deals with that term, "cereal killer(s)", in the aspect of human being killing cereal or a cereal mascot, as oppose to the above definition of "cereal killer", the definition of a cereal on cereal murder or a cereal mascot on cereal mascot murder. Got it?
[edit] The Cereal Killers
Cereal killers are terrible people who have a terrible grudge against Cocoa Puffs, Wheaties, Corn Flakes and the like. Offenders can be given a life sentence for this horrific crime against mostly defenseless foods.
Cereal killers have been known to operate in mysterious ways. The most common methods of cereal killing (hereafter known as "breakfast murder") are snapping, crackling, and in extreme cases, popping.
Breakfast murder is becoming more widespread every day. Certain states, particularly in the Midwest, have started monitoring these criminals once they've done their time, and a national system is in development stages. It is known as the "National Cereal Killer Registry". Parents everywhere, worried about the protection of their children's most important meal of the day, check the list regularly to see if there are any registered cereal killers in their area.
The issue has made front page news as cereal killers have attacked such magically delicious representatives as Lucky, the Lucky Charms mascot, and Tony the Tiger. In an effort to end breakfast murder, once and for all, witnesses of such criminal activity can call the Save Our Cereal Hotline at 1-800-TIPOTCB (The Important Part Of This Complete Breakfast) and are encouraged to notify their state's registry.
[edit] Ed Nargley
- Main article: Cereal Killer
As previously mentioned, one infamous cereal killer was Ed Nargley, who is/was aptly titled, "Cereal Killer".
[edit] Known Victims of Cereal Killer
- Dig 'em the Frog
- 2can Sam
- Yosemite Sam (A tragic case of mistaken identity)
- Quisp
- Frankenberry
- The short Cinnamon Toast Crunch guy
- The CrunchBerry Beast
- Freakies
[edit] Missing and Presumed Deceased
- Fruit Brute
- Yummy Mummy
- Booberry
- Trix Rabbit
- Snap
- Aunt Jemima
- Cheat Commandos
- Heathcliff
- Lucky the Leprechaun
- Unlucky the Leper Khan
- Smelly the Urinary tract infection
- Jack the Spareribber
- The Soggies (the archenemies of Cap'n Crunch)
- Milli Vanilli's Vanilli Millis
- Barney
- The Cherrios Bee
[edit] More on Cereal Killing
[edit] Methods of Cereal Killing
One of the most popular methods is letting the cereal become soggy, hence making it inedible. In fact, if you eat soggy cereal, you will die. Call a poison control center immediately.
Another method is letting cereal expire, thus killing it and also making it inedible. Well actually, you can eat it, but don't do it. I mean, I wouldn't if I were you. So don't do it. But you could if you wanted to.
However, there are many different methods, from smashing cereal to just throwing it away. It used to be thought that the only way for man to kill cereal was to fashion it into a way that makes it inedible. This is untrue, because Monica Lewinski would eat it, and as many of the images on this article would indicate, cereal and cereal boxes have internal organs and a circulatory system.
[edit] Why Does it Happen?
Humans can turn against cereal for a number of reasons. Most of the time, it is because they are fucking crazy. It is also commonly provoked from a dental cavity. Most of the time however, it is an accident (such as cereal expiring or dropping a bowl of cereal). Despite why it happens, it is still a severely punishable crime; there is no insanity plea.
[edit] Other Victims
What's very important is to consider that side dishes are often victims too during a cereal killer's rampage. Toast, orange juice, muffins, donuts, and bagels (just to name a few), have been known to suffer at the hands of cereal killers. Cereal killers call this, "collateral damage". Oatmeal however, is considered cereal and has also been a victim of notorious cereal killers.
One would lead to believe that cereal killers mainly strike in America. This is true, because most foreign lands do not have the luxury of cheap heart-attacks in a bowl. However, the recent outsourcing of food items has lead to recent reports of cereal killers striking in Japan and France. In Japan, most cereal killers dress in the form of a ninja or are ninjas; this has been taken as an anti-cereal message from all ninjas.
Starbucks has offered their support to stop cereal killers, due to the increasing amount of coffee lost in cereal killing rampages. Not only has Starbucks banned the serving of cereal in their cafes, but they have donated rocks money towards anti-anti-cereal killing campaigns.
[edit] See also
