Chair
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“FUCKING GOOGLE"”
~ Steve Balmer on Throwing Chairs at Microsoft
“David Periotti.. 0414345719 Call now!!,".”
~ Sean Connery on Chair
“In Tsarist Russia, floor shits on you!”
~ Catherine the Great, Empress of all the Russias in response to Sean Connery
“Do I sit on...floor...shit...ceiling...damn!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the above quotes
“In Soviet Russia, CHAIRS SEAT YOU!!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Chair
In philosophy and mathematics, a chair is an idealized three-dimensional object for propping up an idealized three-dimensional human in a comfortable, yet alert, three-dimensional state, three-dimensionally of course.
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[edit] Ancient Times
DATJ <Chairs were first invented by Charles Hair and used for beating women into submission when this was outlawed in 1602 they were invented for lazing!They were also used for sitting on pregnant women for the baby to come out even faster, this is why there are so many babies. >DATJ In 1503 BC, the famous philosopher and part-time furniture salesman Isosceles of Crete, using ontological reasoning alone, argued that there must exist a perfect chair, because if such a chair did not, in fact, exist, it would no longer be perfect (duh!). This argument was so compelling that Plato, as soon as he was born, pustulated that the ideal chair was a primary categorical form that resides in Platonic Heaven, and that every single object in the real world must possess a certain degree of chairness, no matter how imperfect. Moreover, Plato believed that the 'form' of the chair in the ether was exactly situated to fit his own personal butt (see The Republic, footnote #45, paragraph 87).
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The Platonic chair cavorting about in Platonic Heaven
[edit] The Early Renaissance
The actual scientific investigation of actual chairs, however, began with Galileo, who actually had the nerve to attempt to sit on many objects and record the actual results in actual notebooks. He then followed on through to discover sitting on fat_pig200 Joanne gave him much better balance as there is a wider space for him to lean on, thus proving that this type of object, the fat_pig200 Joanne is very useful to sit on as stated that it is very big and wider giving balance and it has been known to float and has buoyancy.
| Galileo's Test Results (1603) | |
|---|---|
| OBJECT SAT UPON: | RESULT: |
| Wooden floor | uncomfortable; hard to hold sitting position |
| Pillow | quite comfy, but insufficient support for legs and back |
| Nail | painful puncture wound in ass |
| Kitten | minor bite and claw wounds; kitten crushed to death thus leaving it unsuitable for huffing |
| Cooked spaghetti | delightfully squishy, but leaves an awful mess |
| Inclined plane | kept sliding to the bottom; might be OK for kids' playground |
| Pope Leo XI | test subject uncooperative; no results recorded |
| Leaning Tower of Pisa | nice view, but observer suffered extreme attack of acrophobia |
| Tub full of sulfuric acid | slight tingly feeling on ass; then excruciating pain |
| Telescope | kept falling off |
| Pendulum | extreme nausea from incessant rocking motion |
| Toilet | comfortable, but someone forgot to flush |
| Chair | not bad, but could be a tad more comfortable |
| Oscar Wilde | far more comfortable; nice and sof-.... WOAH! No. Hard. And uncomfortable. |
| Chair with pillow | Perfezione! |
[edit] The Middle Renaissance
In 1703, Isaac Newton theorized that any two chairs attracted each other in direct proportion to the product of their masses and inverse proportion to the square of the distance between them. Many centuries later, Stephen Hawking (who holds the Wheelchair of Mathematics at the University of Upper Class Twits) made the surprising discovery that this theory of Universal Chair Gravitation should be applicable to a much broader class of objects, such as planets and coffee tables. Hawking later made a bet with Queen Elizabeth II that her Royal Highness's throne could not possibly be sturdy enough to hold up her Royal Highness's fat arse, and was immediately executed for his shocking impudence.
[edit] The Late Renaissance
In 1903, Kurt Gödel proved that the set of all chairs is inconsistent with ZFC. As a corollary, Gödel trashed all of his furniture in utter despair. However, his long-time confidant and secret lover Albert Einstein carefully examined the alleged proof, and discovered that Gödel had made a crucial error: he forgot to carry the 2.
[edit] Chairs in Psychological Therapy
The most common usage of chairs today is to relieve pent-up frustration. The now widely exercised practice of throwing chairs around to "let go of the anger" was reportedly started in 2005 by Steve Ballmer, Microsoft's CEO. As Ballmer saw more and more of Microsoft's brightest employees leave for Google (a rival software company), never to return, he reportedly developed the now-standard "I'M GOING TO F**KING KILL GOOGLE!!!" chair hurling technique as a means of compensating for his small penis size.
[edit] Trivial Crap
Chairs, when placed upside down, may also be used to hold donuts.
It has been noted that a man who only goes by the name of Creazzo enjoys being pushed of a wide variety of chairs. He often enjoys beginning his day by sitting down in his favourite chair and being thrown violently from it. On the rare occasion when this does not occur, Creazzo can be found gently sobbing in the corner muttering about his love for chairs. The greatest exponents of this Creazzo chair pushing craze are individuals by the name of Anthony and Peter. These two are amongst the greatest chair pushers in the whole world, as quoted by Creazzo himself.
The singer Cher began her career as Chair (how she developed such strong muscles). After attending a job fair, she learned that being a chair was neither profitable nor good on the joints. She changed her name to Cher and the rest is history.
Chair's drink juice.
[edit] Used as Metaphor
Used by Aboridginal Australians. Chair can he used to describe the word for human genitalia in many ways, and can also be used as a remark in any way which could be sexual. The subtitution for the word to be used, as an example of human genitalia. ie. "get behind me with that stick" Then one would say "chair", or "are those balls heavy?" Chair. "Dick has just entered". Chair! Or if they wanted to be smart they could say "chair ya cut" as in chair ya cut. Cut being cunt. Chair!, and chair being the same as it's always been. Just chair, or to be lazy say chair to mean sure or yeah!
