Charlemagne
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“Holy Roman Emperor, Batman!”
~ Robin on Charlemagne
Charlemagne était empereur des Romains et roi parmi les Francs saliens. C'était le fils de Pépé de Peu.
| Charlemagne ("the K3WL") | ||
|---|---|---|
| King of the Franks, Holy Roman Emperor | ||
| ||
| Charlemagne, preparing for battle. Left hand: Holy Hand Grenade. Right hand: Looks like sword, but scientists disagree about the use of this particular subject. | ||
| Reign | 768 - 814 | |
| Born | 742, but 748 when he was "on the pull" | |
| Somewhere in Western Europe | ||
| Died | 814 | |
| Not Rome | ||
| Predecessor | None, Holy Roman Emperor was an entirely original title! | |
| Successor | Squabbling siblings | |
| Consort | some lucky ladies and faggots | |
| Issue | IP issues with the Byzantine Empire | |
| Father | Pepe le Peu | |
| Mother | A Cat, or something | |
Charlemagne (also known as Charlemagne the K3WL) was King of the Franks and Holy Roman Emperor. There is a general concensus[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] amongst historians that he was one cool dude. In the Middle Ages, he fought wars and slayed dragons both of which were seen as essential traits in anyone seeking high political office. One time, him and his buddies went to this bar in the seedy side of Ravenna and got completely wasted and he met a fair maiden and they had some sons. Upon his death, these sons inherited his empire but proceeded to make hella war with each other because they were vicious sons of Charlemagne the K3WL!
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[edit] Interesting facts
- Before Charlemagne, the nation of France n'existait pas. Whether it existed after him remains highly doubtful.
- Charlemagne had his court in what is now Germany and spoke German. In fact, his name wasn't Charlemagne at all, it was Karl. So why the French like him so much is a mystery.
- Bill Clinton modeled his life after this consummate philanderer.
- Napoléon was not French; he was a Corsican. As such, he wanted to outdo Charlemagne out of spite of this native Frenchman (-ish - see above).
[edit] Miracles
Charlemagne, before his time as king of the Barbary space pirates, was a petty rogue and miracleworker. His most famous miracle is the turning of wine into water (why he did that, I wonder...). Charlemagne has also been known to travel through time and come to the Present Day, whither the use of the present-day tense.
[edit] As King of France
As the founding king of France, Charlemagne enacted the first law of France: lose! He promptly crossed the Rhine to invade the Alamanni and the Belgians. He thus created Germany as a part of his realm. He later gave Germany to his son Louis the Bald, and then Louis conquered France and made them speak French, which at the time was a dialect of German, instead of their previous Gallish. France and Germany have hated each other ever since.
[edit] As Fashion Icon
Charlemagne was a prominent Parisian designer, having started a line of umbrellas and toe-socks in early 1492. He appeared in the film The Devil Wears Prada as Anne Hathaway, a fashion designer. His line was later discontinued after his sex-scandal involving Gavin Newsom.
[edit] Holy Roman Emperor
Charlemagne was famously crowned Roman Emperor by the Pope on Christmas Day 800 AD. In return, Charlemagne gave the pope a wooden stick with a cross on top and a satsuma.
The Emperor often wore the crown in the bath and when "on the job."
He invented a new calender, based on how much time was left before the sinking of the Titanic. This was one of his many doomsday time measurement creations, the other one being that clock that measures how long the world will continue to exist based on nuclear weapons.
[edit] As a man
As a man, Charles wasn't so great. He was rather effete and prone to hissy fits when the Germans were acting up and showing him who the real men were. However, as a menacing and brutal warlord, Charlemagne proved an adroit military tactitian of the "French" forces. Inspiring his troops and charismatically leading the charge, he perfected the technique of turning tail. If backed into a corner, his soldiers more than rose to the occasion under his leadership. Rather than cower upon the ground in the manner of the common sissy, they implemented the technique of dropping weapons and raising both arms in a single fluid motion. Despite this astounding methodology, his wife left him for an elderly blind cripple she claimed was seven times the man he was. What hogwash- the cripple was eight times the man he was.
[edit] Death
Charlemagne died at the age of seven. His left hand was buried in his crypt at the cathedral in Aachen, Germany, while the rest of his remains were later used to create the pyramid-headed monster in the "Silent Hill" film adaption. Nevertheless, a great stone effigy was commissioned and thereby constucted dans "les jardins de Paris." The final piece stands as firmly rooted as the vast and trunkless legs of Ozymandias. Charlemagne sits astride a horse rearing up upon its hind legs, a sword at his side and a pike in his fist. Fantastically standing to either side are the images of war-beaten faces, emotionless and staring emptily into the distance. A gilded plaque stands at the foot of this enormous tribute. "HERE LIES NAPOLEON, FAMED CONQUEROR" The latter was a honorous tribute in fond tribute of the righteous deeds of France's many fallen heroes, a term sononymous with prisoners of war. FUBAR!
Categories: Rewrite/Soft | Rewrite | France | Emperors | Germany | Medieval | Historical figures | Dead
