Charles Manson
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“His mom is kind of cute. I'd bang her.”
~ Some guy on Charles Manson
Charles "Chuck" Manson (November 12th, 1934-January 14th, 2014) is a noted self-made billionaire, philanthropist, social activist, Supreme Court Justice, televangelist, long time member of The Beatles and The Beach Boys matriach of the Manson family and all arround nice guy.
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[edit] Early Life
From birth, Manson's childhood was plagued by misfortune, molestation, and bad luck. But this did not make him less awesome. Not only did his mother die during his difficult child birth, which is totally kvlt, but so did his father, his brothers and sisters, and both sets of maternal and paternal grandparents. Less than a week later, a freak tornado wiped out a trailer park on the outskirts of Cleveland, killing all of his uncles, aunts, and cousins. Which is also kvlt. Charlie survived this tornado by hiding under Brianna Sonnenburg's hard, dry sperm. This left young Charlie an orphan with no one to turn to ("no one to whom to turn", according to Winston Churchill, in his famous biography of Manson, Life of Sir Charles Manson, O.B.E..)
Soon young Charlie resorted to a life of crime in order to survive. After a string of liquor store robberies (to support his baby formula adddiction) that garnered him local infamy and the nickname "Babyface Manson", Charlie moved on to what became one of the most famous crimes in the history of famous crimes: The Chocolate Factory Heist. Although during the commission of this crime several Oompah Loompahs were accidentally killed, Charlie was later acquitted for lack of evidence. The Cincinnati police had accidentally tainted the evidence in the crime lab by repeatedly licking their fingers when they became smeared with chocolate.
Despite the failure of the willy wonka to obtain a conviction, Charlie was sued by the ompa lompas and majority cocobeans of the Chocolate Factory in civil court. After the trial, a gang of ompa lompas taught Charles the meaning of a Cleveland Steamer.
From early on in Manson's life Raptor Jesus could tell that he was a pretty badass motherfucker. Raptor Jesus and Charles were tight ever since because Charles didn't take shit from anybody. Their relationship became strained when Charles baked RJ a cherry pie on tuesday which is strictly forbidden. In exchange for not biting off Manson's head the Raptor Jesus made Manson agree to form a cult of all females and bake muffins in a master plan called Helter Skelter.
[edit] William Wonka, et al. v. Charles Manson
This landmark case was distinguished not only by the decision of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals to allow the relatives of the dead Oompah Loompahs to become co-plaintiffs, thereby transforming a simple personal injury case into a class action suit, nor the long awaited legal recognition of the Oompah Loompahs as citizens, but most notably by the surprise settlement reached by attorneys for both sides.
[edit] Terms of the Settlement
Although the settlement was sealed, due to Charles being a minor, several details became clear over the course of many years. Manson, ostensibly for purposes of restitution and reparation, went to work at the Chocolate Factory, but it soon became clear that Manson's relationship with the factory was more than that of an employee to employer.
The first indication of this was when Charlie was given a parking space directly in front of the front doors of the factory, right next to the parking space of William Wonka. The next indication was Charlie's promotion to Senior Vice President in charge of Product Development. Clearly, Charlie was being groomed for bigger things, and his relationship with Wonka was more that of a protege to a mentor. Or so it was thought, until the factory issued a press release indicating that Wonka was adopting Manson. Soon after being adopted, Charles developed a nasty habit of fingerpainting in blood, feces, mud and the nasty syphilis infected goop he obtained out of your mothers vagina after doing her in the earhole.
[edit] Manson Leaves The Chocolate Factory: Education at Yale and Harvard
Upon reaching the age of maturity (18 in most states, unless you are a Slashdot user, in which case it is 39 or when you move out of your mom's basement, whichever comes first), Charles resigned from his position at the chocolate factory and enrolled at Yale University. It was here that he first met George W Bush and John Kerry and was inducted into the infamous and shadowy Spoon and fork club. It was also during this period that he gave birth to Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris
[edit] Religious Conversion and the U. S. Supreme Court
After his pal and fellow Spoon and Fork Club comrade George W. Bush was elected president, Manson petitioned his friend to appoint him as Supreme Court Justice. To win support from the previous Supreme Court Justice Pat Robertson, Manson started his own televangelism ministry under the holy name Reverend Loveshade. This program was aired on the Christian Broadcasting Network and was called "Helter Skelter: Chocolate Jesus." The program became an immediate hit with Chocolate Fundamentalists, and won Manson the nomination.
Six months later, he became the only Supreme Court Justice when he killed all the others while they were vacationing in New Orleans. He accompllished this by using his mystic powers to create a dark flood known as "Klondike Katrina," or "The Milk Chocolate Massacre."
Manson then went on to attend several courses in Scientology which at first he took to like a duck to water, however on learning about the Xenu story he quit stating his reason as "Those Scientology fucks are completely Dog Turd Doolalley and off their fucking rockers" and considering just how mentally fucked Manson was this has to be considered a compliment by the Scientologists
Manson was later found stabbed to death, reportedly on Tom Cruise's orders.
[edit] TV Series
The Charles Manson Show is currently in production and slated to air on the E! Network in the fall of 2079. The show chronicals the real life events of the beloved movie star and accomplished human being. So far, the cast includes:
Christopher Lloyd as Charles Manson
Anna Nicole Smith(now deceased) as Sharon Tate (Archive)
Morgan Freeman as the good angel
Papa Smurf as the bad angel
[edit] See Also
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