Charlotte Brontë

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“She taught me everything I know, like never trust those bitches who can't remember the colour of your eyes.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Charlotte Brontë

Charlotte Brontë is the pen name of English author Hobo Sex, brother to Ellis and Acton Sex, who are similarly famous in the world of literature. The Sex brothers were the first recorded case of "Tri-fraternal Incident Transgender Schizophrenia" (TITS) in the UK - the layman's upshot being that the three of them actually believed they were female, and were thoroughly acustomed to wearing women's clothing. Among the pastime of putting on makeup and gossiping, the three brothers enjoyed making up stories to pass the time, and each of them became inebriated authors of feminist literature that still stands today at the height of its genre - because lets face it, only men (these three queer ones don't count) can write decent novels.

Suffice it to say, all three brothers died alone without experiencing love due to the fact that no-one likes a cross-dresser (except Liam Kyle Sullivan in his videos), and the inherent delusions of romance that appear in Hobo Sex's work attests to this.

It's works in chronological order:

[edit] Jane Eyre

This novel takes the form of an autobiography by the unwanted, left out Jane, who, although is in herself distinctly boring, has various slightly less boring things happen to her. Jane is brought up by her kind Aunt Reed alongside her three other children; however, Jane despises her Aunt and cousins. In an intricate web of deceit, she tricks her familly into entering the imaginatively named "Red Room", whereupon she locks them in until they are starved to death literally. After killing her Aunt, the sole survivor, Jane disposes of the corpses in a nearby wood and uses the famillys wealth to enroll herself at the prestigious Lowood school.

Lowood proves a bit of a disapointment however, so Jane hires herself out as an escort. It is through this trade that she meets "Mr.Rochester", the local pimp (actually named Eddy Fairfax) of a small town called YoMaMa'sVille. She steadily falls in love with Mr.Rochester, however she faces competition from another of Rochester's employee's - Kelly of "Shoes". Jane, following on from her previous genocidal streak, waits while Rochester is occupied with business, and then sets about the unexpecting face of Miss Kelly with a baseball bat in the YoMaMa'sVille brothel owned by Mr.Rochester - "Thornfield Hall". The wench, face caved in, joins a troop of Gipsies and hops off to France where people called Blanche belong.

With no apparent obstructions to their love, Jane and Rochester are about to marry when the ceremony is disturbed by the Police. It is revealed to Jane that Rochester has illegally been keeping his first wife in the attic of his brothel as a human punchbag for 10 years; breaking down in tears while Rochester is bailed into the back of a police car, she sets off on a journey that leads to, in sheer coincidence, the doorstep of her cousin St John Rivers. In a classic Deus Ex Machina, Jane learns from her cousin that she is the sole inheritor of £20,000 from her uncle. John falls madly in love with Jane and asks her to come away with him to India; in the classic quote, Jane rebukes his advances:

"Piss off you inbreeding jerk".

Jane promptly bails a crippled and blinded Rochester (19th Century Police didn't take kindly to wife-beaters), and they void his bail terms by flying to Maderia where they live happily ever after, until being arrested by Interpol and thrown into ye olde goal for the rest of their lives.

Jane Eyre is renknowned for tackling the issues of prostitution and female sexuality in early 19th Century England. However, many critics comment on its surprising lack of religious connotation and reference to contemporary literature that so often is apparent in other works of pre-World War fiction.

Jane Eyre is the manifestation of Epic Fail. Nuf said.

[edit] Shirley Knott

This follows a very confused man who named his son Shirley, when Shirley is actually a girl's name, hence "very confused man". In a suspiciously autobiographical move, Shirley wears dresses and writes novels. Later on, he finds a time machine and then he somehow gets transported to the 21st Century. There, because he lost his memory, he takes on a new name, with a totally new look. He starts to wear random things and thinks that his name is Liam Kyle Sullivan. He then starts to make videos such as the oh so popular "Shoes".

[edit] Gillette

Gillette follows Lucy Snowe and her attempts to create a ten-blade razor. However, because of her stupidity, when they finally do make it, she kills Lucy Snowe by accident and then randomly kills the rest of the world before killing herself.

[edit] The Doctor

One of Charlotte Brontë's more obscure works, it is widely believed that it was extensively plagiarised by the writers of Doctor Who.

[edit] Women are from Venus, men are from Uranus

One of his even more obscure works, thought to have been penned late in his life following several disastrous relationships and bad business deals. This reflected his bad relationships (aka "relationshits") with everyone he met. It was said that he was inspired by William Shakespeare to be bi, but because his mind was a fantasy due to his writing of books so much, he thought that inanimate objects were people, so he'd try to have affairs with things such as tables, bushes with thorns, and tubas. He later died from being crushed by a number of tubas that he tried to have affairs with all at the same time (STUPID!).