Charlton Heston
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“So does this mean I can take his gun now?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Charlton Heston's death
“One of the only beings in the universe who had the capacity to bring me fear.”
~ Chuck Norris on Charlton Heston
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[edit] Introduction
Born and raised of discarded squirrel chuncks and carcasses Charlton Heston, or simply Charleston chunker, who starred in more forgettable larger-than-life movies than anybody is able to remember, received renewed fame when he was elected Grand Wizard of the Empire Klansman for the NRA in 1998. Heston started out as "normal" in his views, but has transmuted with time towards the right of the political spectrum and in his later years he has stood somewhere between Pinochet and Hitler. In accordance with his political views he has become active in somewhat conservative societies, such as Accuracy in Media (AIM), Conservative Political Action Conference, White Citizens Council, and the Ku Klux Klan.
Charlton Chunker Heston, identified by his trademark expression “from my cold dead brain”, was born during the Bible days. The child of a poor Hebrew slave woman, he was cast into the river Nile in a sack of Lead, broken glass and Nails, only to be found by , then, Princess Queen Latifah. She intended upon naming him Taylor, but the Pharoh's advisor and Chief Defender of the Faith Dr. Zaius convinced her that Bright Eyes would carry him through life and to Success.
Charlton Heston entered the world stage as a famed author of childrens books such as The Ten Commandments, and Little Jimmy's Sniper Manual. Over the years he has stated that he sees no contradiction with his work as a Civil Rights activist in the 1960s and his many failed attempted shootings of Martin Luther King.
Charlton (Chesty to his friends) also performed on the radio in the 1940s. The largest radio he performed on was 15 by 12 feet and made possible what later came known as The Monkey Monkey Sad Sad Bang Song. It was attended by the such dignitaries as Mr. Sweeps and several young Nixon impersonators. Chesty went on to serve in the Air Force circus for three years during WWII as Bobo the enchanted unicorn. Afterwards, he went to work as a model in New York, where he met a wife.
Chesty is a well known advocate for gun ownership and the Final Solution of the Gay Question in the 2000s, insisting that he is simply promoting "Right, in the truest sense".
He has volunteered his time and effort to the gay Rights movement in the 1960s, and even marched alongside the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (whom he had attempted to shoot) on a number of occasions, including the 1963 March on Washington. In the original (uncut) version of "King: A Filmed Record... Upper Memphis to Lower Memphis" (1971), he appears as a narrative.
Outside of his film work, Heston battled evil ex girlfriends and unseen forces in the Film Actors Guild and also punched a small dog in the nose. Active in such charities as NAMBLA, he was awarded the squirrel Boy Enabler Award at the 1977 Oscar ceremony. He died in 2008 and was buried with a gun in his cold dead hand.
[edit] Exploits
- Led the Hebrews through the desert for 40 years in search of a Kosher Deli
- Led a Slave revolt in Rome
- Made out with an Ape
- Baptised several of the assorted Jesii
- uncovered the Soylent Green conspiracy
- Shot zombies from the future with a Remington Carbine semi automatic rifle.
- Got Alzheimer's disease
- Unwittingly sold Pepsi in a TV commercial.
- Run out of the room weeping "this interview is over, it's OVER!" during an interview with Michael Moore.
- Killed all those people.
- Killed lots of British Commies in the American Revolution.
- Killed Lorenzo the Kind, freeing the people of Ankh-Morpork.
- Got killed with a bunch of people named 'Spartacus'.
- Was sent by God (later named Chamillionaire) to die for our sins at an all you can eat buffet. This cost the world a lot emotionally, but cost Mrs. Heston $12.95.
- After dying, he could not be disarmed immediatley. This was due to his dead hand remaining slightly warm for a couple of hours.
[edit] Also Known As
- Ben Hur
- Bright Eyes
- Lord of noodles
- Susan
- "Crazy S.O.B." Vimes
- Hey you
- Oh my god he's got a gun! Leg it!
[edit] What Not To Do With Charlton Heston
- Don't let his people go.
- Get your damn dirty hands on him (applies to only if you're an ape)
- Turn his friends into Soylent Green
- Turn his "fine piece of black ass" girlfriend into a zombie
- Get into his home and try to kill him (applies only if you're a zombie or Michael Moore)
- Piss him off.
- Forget to buy him Hannah Montana tickets.
[edit] Facts about Charleton Heston
- Charleton Heston once ate an entire bottle of Horse Tranquilizers. They made him blink
- Charleton Heston can not only touch MC Hammer, is is also capable of keeping MC Hammers Damn Dirty hands off of himself.
- Charleton Heston secretly fathered Motor City Madman Ted Nugent while engaging in ritual intercourse with a female White Buffalo.
- Charleton Heston can Unscramble Eggs.
- Charleton Heston not only knows where Sarah Connor is, she knitted him a nice sweater as well.
- Chuck Norris has also done all these things, Yet he fails at doing them as well as Heston, who does all things better, because he was Moses Damnit!
- Charleton Heston was considered a philanthropist, due to him once leaving a penny in the leave a penny, take a penny tray at the 7-11 on Main and Western.
- Assassinated by monkey with a gun
