Chav/Defenses

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A fine example of classic chav jewellery, just £26.79 from Argos.

1 How To Kill A Chav

[edit] How To Kill A Chav

[edit] Weapons

The Mace: The mace is the perfect weapon as it slices them up into a bloody pile of mess.[edit: this cannot be possible as a mace is a spiky club]
Nerve gas: This will disable their only brain cell, causing them to collapse an die.
Argos Vouchers: These vouchers from their favorite shops can be used in two different ways.
- Used like the "men's" mags in Metal Gear Solid 2. Just place one in the middle of the road or train/metro line and watch as they get squashed whilst retrieving said voucher...This is quicker, but not as amsuing as the idea above.

[edit] Techniques=

Goths and/or Emos: The two groups will engage in a battle of the biggest proportions, giving normal people ample time to run in with their Maces and Nerve gas.
Much-too-much alcohol: Keep the Chav's drinking, they don't have the intelligence to know when to stop and hopefully their livers will explode.
Other Chavs: Get other chavs from another group of the city, they will argue over something or nothing. You could possibly arm the other chavs with a phone to encourage a happy slapping war. Then you can watch it all back later for entertainment. Be sure to kill the surviving chavs with Nerve gas.
Fire: Chavs can't resist anything shiny, so chuck something like a mirror into a fire and they will walk straight into the fire and burn. Be sure they do not see themselves in the mirror as the sight can be fatal.
Goatse: Show them Goatse (be sure not to look upon it yourself). If one of the more clever ones knows whats happening, tell him about the ring on his finger, they will be sure to watch.
Trains This is the newest method of destroying the chav, and is most effective if they are creating their "art" (i.e. mindless vandalising rolling stock) - the chav will often run right in front of a tube train as it arrives in the yard whilst the driver makes no attempt to stop as he is listening to real music such as Rammstein, Iron Maiden or Black Sabbath, even though this music is probable to make your ears bleed.
Talent: Chavs are allergic to actual talent, hence their love for **censored**e such as rap and their love of "celebrities" such as footballers and models from Nuts.
Herman Li: His ability to shred beyond the speed of sound with notes unpercievable by mortal ears, and the chav's natural inability to listen to real music, will rend every particle of said chav's being into an unimaginable state of nonexistence. Use with discretion.
Police: Send in police that actually do their job. Then you could send in emos/chavs and then send in the nerve gas. You would of killed those chav(s).
Words with more than two syllables: Chavs, being severely uneducated at best, are confused by long words especially by those which contain more than two syllables. This method is more of a distraction unless the word contains more than four syllables. At this point the Chav's head explodes with the sheer magnitude of thought which it has had to engage in.
John Petrucci: His ability to shred faster than Herman Li without sweep picking whilst implying a melodic sound rather than a semi-atonal mishmash will violently react with the chav's allergy to real music within 0.0012754 seconds. Causing their heads to a splode.

[edit] When walking

The Anti-Burberry

Just keep walking, don't be afraid of them, otherwise they will think that their "tough appearance" would of scared you away and give them more power.
Walk backwards. The confusion caused by this will inevitably cause whichever chav(s) which are/is looking at you to explode.
You have a much faster brain than any group of chavs. You're safest if you think of a simple comeback that requires them to think. The sudden use of their brain (located in their big toe) should disable the chav for at least 10 seconds. Giving you enough time to either walk away or kill them. Preferably kill them. With a rusty chainsaw.
Wear the anti-burberry (pictured), this will create a gravity field around you. For fun run toward the chav and when the radius of the gravity field hits them then they will go flying backwards.
If all else fails the chav can be overpowered by a simple yet effective laugh directly aimed at the face.
Or if ALL else fails, and you both are of the male gender, run up to them at a quick pace, brave the mountainous acne zits and kiss them firmly on the lips. The utter confusion and realisation that they really did in fact enjoy a kiss from a man and that all their homophobic jokes were in vain will cause them to instantaneously evaporate, with all knives/stolen watches/babies/used condoms/TN hats dropping to the floor, so that you may promptly burn them or take them to your nearest doctor to sterilize and set free into the wild.

[edit] When In A Large Group of your Friends

Don’t get put off by them. The second you do they will have won.
Glare at them - they will quickly get the message.
If glaring is ineffective, move closer.

If all else fails then kick the crap out of them. If you give them time to talk they may start a competition of "my uncle's like, older so he'll like break your uncle's face. Innit." Try to avoid this by an immediate slash/punch/kick/rusty chainsaw to the throat.

[edit] Suggested Ways Of Dealing With Chavs

Following the banning of Fox Hunting, many people now believe Chavs should be hunted instead. There are a lot of pro's to this idea:

All the dogs don't have to die now
Upper Class people enjoy shooting lower classes, it's like shooting foxes
Chavs have roughly the common sense of a Fox, although not as cunning
Chavs steal much more than foxes
Chavs will run towards the hunters, due to their incredibly low brain-power.

There are a few con's however:

Chavs can't hide, they would all go to 'Maccy D's'
Dogs would need to be given injections so they don't get a number of diseases
Chavs may try to have sex with the dogs
The dead chav will give the hounds indegestion.

Other methods include:

Burn an Argos catalogue
A new strain of AIDS which is injected into the lining of Lonsdale clothing.
Getting Jesus on them
Giving them to the people of Africa as Slaves, so they can't use the whole slave thing against us anymore.
Zapping them for amusement
Test cosmetic products on them, the soap will dissolve them immidiately.
Give them cancer and pretend you are trying to find a cure.
Close down JJB, they will all die 28 days later... (Note: It's actually 28 seconds later)
Genocide, Nazi style!
Use their heads as building material for council houses (a slight paradox as there will be no one living in the council estates).
Pour cyanide into all the bottles of 'Frosty Jack's White Cider'.
Nuke Cheltenham and crewe. The hearts of the plague.
Spike all white-lightning bottles with some obscenely evil form of poison, or a disease. Alternatively, shoot all rap artists. within a day chavs will be no more. Or maybe some will try and become rappers themselves and people will just drive-by shoot them.
Call them mysteriously saying they will die in seven days, they will all then convert to emo/goth and then we will be rid of them all! Only problem is we got another new problem which may become an even bigger problem than the chav problem.
Hide cardboard cut outs of goths in an enclosed area of Liverpool and offer a gold chain that (obviously) isn't from Argos to anyone who can mount the head of Marilyn Manson on the gate of their council estate. But when the chavs flood into Liverpool armed with pool cues and for the ones who cannot afford them, broken glass bottles, we then corner them and thereupon kill them by sending in the SAS or the ACMAF (anti chav military armed force) teams :)
Superglue a bottle of vodka to a railroad track
Force infertility so to prevent the chavs form breeding and replacing each dead chav with 5000000 more new chavs
Force the chavs in underground fighting pits, offering thembling and white lightning to fight to the death, except kill the winner when its over