Chav/Translations

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Because Chavs breed like filthy, FILTHY rabbits, you may end up having to talk to one, as there is now no getting away from these horrid excuses for sub-humanity. As such, here is a helpful guide for understanding what chavs say:

[edit] The Complete Compilation of Innit

Innit: Hello.
Innit: I have HIV, Hepatitis C AND Rabies!
Innit: Please could you give me your dog so i can have sexual intercourse with it.
Innit: I am a stupid, fat arsehole of a chav.
Innit: I hate you because you are better than me.
Innit: I hate pond life because it is better than me.
Innit: I did not pass my GCSEs/i was expelled two years before i had a chance to take them.
Innit: I am in fine possession of an ASBO.
- Innit: If it is better to exist than not exist, and God is perfect, does that not mean God exists?
Innit: Good evening fine sir, could one be so ostentatious as to ask a fine gentleman/madam as yourself to part ways with your currency?
Innit: Excuse me my good sir, are you searching for a slap to the face?
Innit: Do you subscribe more to an empiric or rationalist school of thought, my good man?
Innit: I believe I have obtained the sole rights to sexual congress with this woman, and if you do not stop looking at my esteemed female partner here, I may be required to place my fist in your visage.
Innit: Aren't these big hoop earrings just lovely?
Innit: Just when will the government enforce a socialist regime, that is, a socialist regime within a democratic state?
Innit: I haven't got anything interesting to say.
Innit: I am pregnant/have got someone pregnant.
Innit: Im too retarded to learn an intsrument so I will procede to swear along to a mixed version of the famous 1985 song 'girls just wanna have fun' I illigaly downloaded from an internet porn site.
Innit: I am too thick to get a job, so I will now proceed to steal all your cash/possessions
Innit: Can you direct me to where I obtain a car body kit, big boy spoilers and chrome alloys for my 1987 Ford Escort, prithee?
Innit: Would you be so kind as to purchase an alcoholic beverage for me? I am awfully thirsty.
Innit: Why yes, today is a rather splendid day for a walk in the park, I'll make the picnic, you go steal us a car.
Innit: I am currently employed at a McDonald's franchise.
Innit: I am currently employed at a supermarket (part time).

(don't bother learning these two - you're unlikely to meet a chav with a job).

Innit: I am currently unemployed.
Innit: I live in a council shed in Middlesborough.
Innit: I have no idea who my child's father/mother is.
Innit: I say sir, touch me again and I'll be forced to take appropriate actions by reconstructing your face.
Innit: Please place all the money you possess in my hand within the next 7 seconds or I will be forced to perform the well known 'Pimp slap' manoeuvre on the right hand side of your face. Later this day I will either hand the money to my drug dealer who has been asking "Where's my money?" over and over for the past 4 and a half months, or I will use it to buy a 3 litre bottle of cheap cider from my local Aldi.
Innit: I got my 12 year old sister pregnant. Twice!

[edit] Common Chav Phrases

YO' FUCKIN' KNOB'EAD: You are a person I am not enthralled to be in front of in this moment, presently.
Wat r u gawpin' at: What are you looking at sir, if I may politely enquire?
Know wha' I'm sayin'?: Are you aware of what I am saying?
I'll fuckin' bang ya: I shall now push you in front of my acquaintances to prove I am the dominant male of the species.
I'll brake your fuckin' neck!: Old chum, would you please not use such long and complicated phrases as they are giving me the most terrible headache, and if you persist I will be forced to hit someone smaller than me.
Look dats ol me bledrins! Bunch of funkin' wankers they is: May I introduce you to my friends? What a fine group of people they are.
Dirty Greebo: Although you are both cleaner, and better dressed than I, I still feel a need to be provoked by your higher place in society than me, and must resort to basic profanities to intimidate you.
Wowowowowow.... Don't bang innit: I see that you have far superior fighting abilities compared to myself. I shall have to remember to bring twice as many friends next time we meet.
'Ooh-ye-fuckin'-mosher-like-i'll-smash-you-up-proper-like-fuckin'-wanker-ooh innit: Sir, I am warning you, please step away from me or I will become mildly irritated. I strongly insist that you proceed away from my territory. May I also add that your attire irritates me most profusely.
Yo Yo Yo, I have no beef with you dog!: I have not disrespected your culture, so why are you resorting to physical violence?
Ya got tha time m8?!: My time is money and is not to be wasted. I want to get a good look at your phone/watch so I can mug you in that underpass over there.
Ya, mutha: For sooth old bean, my sense of humour is simply divine!
I'd tap that: I wish to borrow your girlfriend for a night, would you be so kind as to oblige? I will try my best not to transfer chlamydia to her but I'll make no guarantees, OK old chum?
Brer: I consider you to be a close friend/sex partner of mine.
BoomTing: Your EveryThing a Person Of The opposite sex looks for
Beig: I do apologise sir, but I consider nerds/geeks/emos/Wikipedia editors such as yourself to be of a superior calibre in every way to my species. Thus you cannot become one of our friends. I feel threatened by your superiorty and I suggest you run for your life immediately.
Iz it cuz i iz fit blud?: Are you making that decision purely on my aesthetic appearance?
I iz bangin in de ghetto: One considers himself quite popular in his homeland.
Iz yus dizzy blud: Are you of a safe frame of mind dear compatriot? (rhetorical)
Fookin' Goff: Salutations, fellow citizen! Your taste in earrings and necklaces is quite fine.
And then I was like...: After he had made his somewhat funny quip I rapidly followed with a rather humorous anecdote of my own. I conversed as follows...
GIZ A WET!: Excuse me, my good man, could I request a beverage? I'm awfully thristy.
Yer Mam: Your mother was on fine form last night, old chap.
Ere leek I'll do yer windys in: I would prefer not to cause offence by inflicting actual bodily harm upon your person. Therefore, I shall instead proceed to make short work of your windows with this large brick.
I'll do yer knees in leek: My most sincere apologies old boy, but your conduct toward me and my chums has encouraged me to inflict severe damage upon your leg benders.
Yo' what?: Sincere apologies, my dear old chap, but I had the misfortune of not hearing the last few words you were so kind as to speak. [OR] I must apologise but I must express my disbelief at the statement you just uttered.
Innit Bled?: I agree.
You better watch it m8!: You are not really my compatriot, nor do I even respect you particularly. It would give me great pleasure to stab you.
Safe:They Like What Your Sayying
You need a hair cut you fuckin' smelly greebo: I am threatened by the huge cultural differences between yourself and I. Perhaps if you were more like me and removed your long hair via shaving I would not feel so threatened.
OIOI: Hello ol' bean!
Wudent fukken do one: No thank you.
I declare Jihad on yo ass!: I shall return with my other chums for a boxing challenge with you next time we meet.
I got cauwt wiv 'eat in me gaff!: One was unfortunate enough to have his firearm on display in his abode when the law enforcement workers happened to make their standardised check-up.
Ur getin bnged clean owt m8: Not to ring my own bell, but I believe you are close to your demise as I declare that I am planning to donate to your head an excessive amount of force, possible enough to remove your cerebrum and cerebellum respectively.
Safe mayt, chek out me new henri's: Hello old friend, how are you today? Please regard my rather smashing Henri Lloyd tracksuit bottoms.
Ma Pug 206 'atchback. I dun it up so it cun top 190 m8: I get overtaken by caravans on the A1 in my Peugeot 206. It is obscenely loud with a faulty exhaust and shakes violently when it reaches 70 MPH.
C'mon den blud!: Im going to tell my bigger and less intelligent brother about you.
Caw you're FFFFiiitt!: My fine lady, I do admire your fine physique, and I would most like to engage in sexual intercourse with you.
PengYour Rather Attractive
Brap: A word commonly used by chavs, brap is usually said when elated at news and/or trying to seem like they have a gun in their hand (usually trying to mimick a guns sound)
Braap: See Brap
Braaaap: See Braap
Braaaaaaaaaap: See Braaaap
Check out me new rims m8: Hello dear Friend, will you join me in viewing these rather useless new pieces of plastic on my car which I spent an entire months worth of stolen currency/valuables?
Go slit yer wrists fookin' Emo: Hello. It seems you have your hair over one eye and you like emo/rock music, therefore you obviously self-harm and you should go home and do exactly that.
So's Ya Mam: Hello, I would like to try and show you what an amazingly funny and original sense of humour I have!
What the fuk daft cunt?: - Why are you hurting me in a strange manner?
I'll chin ya daft cunt: - If you do not cease in your provocative manner, I will engage in fisticuffs with you.
How like how: - Hello, my good chum, what are you doing?
Ya wat!: Excuse me my kind fellow, I believe you said something that offends me or any other pathetic chav like myself, so would you kindly repeat it so I may then proceed to reconfigure your face with a large brick/baseball bat?