Chav
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
“All Chavs are created equal. But some Chavs are more equal than others.”
~ George Orwell on Chav
“"Save us, oh lord, from the wrath of the Chavs!"”
~ Unnamed Monk on Chav
“"Castrated Homosexuals with Anthrax Virus? Carpet Humping Analysis Video?"”
~ American scientist trying to find the meaning of chav
“"Philfy Phat Chavses!"”
~ Gollum on Chavs
The Chav, or Burberry Trogladyte (to use the correct anthropological phrase), is a subsect of the human race that has become unfortunately far too common, as they breed like filthy rabbits. These creatures are easily distinguishable; they tend gather in groups in towns, particularly shopping precincts, they talk some kind of bastard dialect of their own devising, the most important words being ‘innit’, 'bruv' and 'bare'. Several variants of this have been identified and most contain elements of black American culture. This is in spite of the fact that there is no evidence that any Chav has ever crossed the Atlantic. They tend to wear Adidas or Nike sports gear with white trainers and have baseball caps - frequently Burberry - permanently welded onto their heads at birth.
Contents |
The lesser spotted Chav
This is a young Chav, who has just recently hit puberty, resulting in an outbreak of pussy carbuncles all over its face. Despite their diminutive stature, the Lesser Spotted Chav is in fact virtually indistinguishable from the Common Chav. This has led many prominent scientists to believe (falsely – see ‘mating habits’) that Chavs do not breed, but in fact split down the middle like amoebas. This amoeba like breeding is yet to be seen outside of Wigan.
Habitat
The Chav can be found most commonly on Council Estates; run-down areas in good need of a decent fire bombing. The Chav will return to these at night to sleep, but spends most of its time in town with fellow Chavs. In answer to the request of nuking all chav homes George W. Bush declared war on chavs in 1144 for 23 seconds. Upon realising that he didn't know what a chav was he turned back to consuming waffles. The County of Hampshire in southern England contains surprising numbers of chavs, probably due to the fact that Basingrad, home of Burberry and chavs, is in Hampshire. The town of Birmingham in Warwickshire is also heavily populated with Chavs. According to Professor Possit of Birmingham University Birmingham Chavs are subspecies known as, "Inyimidating Chavs". By contrast Professor Smitten of some other university has claimed that the "Inyimidating Chav" subspecies is indeed common in many conurbations throughout the United Kingdom.
Feeding Habits
The Chav’s digestive system is truly a marvel. Fresh fruit and vegetables are as poison to it, and it can somehow survive on a diet consisting solely of kebabs, McDonald’s, KFC, Cigarettes, White Lightning and chewing gum. Its ability to scavenge off whatever rubbish available perhaps indicates that Chavs are descended from seagulls. Recent genetic research has failed to confirm this, however, instead it has thrown up the likelihood that Chavs are closely related to sewer rats or possibly to Pan troglodytes, the Common Chimpanzee.
Drinking Habits
Fresh water is not required for the survival of a Chav; indeed the feel of fresh water coming into contact with their skin often burns them. The Lesser Spotted Chav makes do on Coca Cola and other fizzy soft drinks, although it does attempt to buy alcohol from off-licences. The male Chav will usually drink some soulless, mass-produced foul lager – opiate of the modern day masses. The female Chav, in an effort to look sophisticated, usually drinks Bacardi Breezers or some other kind of alcopop. Of course, this merely makes the female Chav look more despicable by drinking what is effectively the urine of Satan.
Mating rituals: Male
The mating rituals of the male Chav are interesting. Firstly, the Chav will attempt to ‘pimp himself up’, by putting on his most expensive Burberry shirt and Burberry baseball cap. He will then cover himself with fake gold jewellery known as bling bling – female Chavs share genetic traits with magpies and are attracted to shiny objects. He will then plaster his hair with hair gel. The reasons for this are unknown – it does not have any aesthetic advantage, indeed quite the reverse. A beguiling theorem is that female Chavs, on seeing the excessive amount of grease in the male Chav’s hair, will assume that he must be ‘loaded’ to use so much of a precious commodity, and thus be attracted to him. He will then go to a gathering spot such as a pub or bar and attempt to attract females by drinking, dancing and trying to start fights which he invariably loses.
Mating rituals: Female
When the reproductive urge is upon her (between around the ages of 8-12) and she is in heat, the female Chav will naturally look for a mate – not a long term mate, but effectively a sperm donor. She will therefore ‘slag’ herself: This means putting on more make-up than a clown uses in a year, squeezing into a strapless top 2 sizes too small for her and putting on a miniskirt that barely covers the pelvic regions. She will shower herself in cheap perfume, brush her hair tight to the back of her head and thus attired will sortie to a gathering spot. Upon finding a suitable mate she will ‘come on to him’, allow him to cop a feel and get a few free drinks off him before suggesting the alley behind the pub as a suitable place to consummate their sordid affair. The female Chav will repeat this several times during the night to ensure maximum possibility of impregnation. It should be noted that female Chavs do not have babies to ensure the continuation of their race, but merely as a way to scab extra money off the benefit system.
Social Habits
Few Chavs have jobs (and those that do work in supermarkets); they are reasonably financially acute and have long since realised that the government will pay them to lie around home out of work. Thus, the Chav has an unbridled amount of free time on its hands. This will usually be spent by congregating at Home Depot in groups, or ‘crews’ as they like to call them, in some pathetic misguided belief that they are ‘gangsta’ and ‘children of the ghetto’. Usually these gangs will just hang around doing nothing. Every once in a while, Chavs will gather at predetermined spots at night to show off their cars, generally 20 year old Golfs. Inspired by MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride’ Chavs will decorate their cars with vinyl, decals and body kits in some belief that this makes them better, little knowing that everyone laughs when they see a £1000 car with £2000 worth of essentially useless mods on it go by. They may even attempt to race each other, because every Chav fancies himself as a racer after a round of MIdnight Club: DUB Edition.
Idols
In the same way that insect colonies have Queens, Chavs have idols; Chavs who have paradoxically achieved success. The so called ‘King and Queen of Chavdom’ are David Beckham and Victoria Beckham, the former a football player and the latter a once successful singer until her group broke up and everyone realised that she could not sing for shit. There are other idols; Wayne Rooney is a fresh-faced contender, and pretty much every single FHM model, most notably Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan) is a Chav idol. Incidentally, the favourite female chav career path is to become a glamour model, as per the aforementioned "ho" and this guides their school subject choices. The misguided belief that Chavs have something to look up to in these degenerates of humanity, these genetic cul-de-sacs, these equivalents of urine in the gene pool is indeed laudable, or it would be if it weren’t so tragic. Chavs also worship every Big Brother housemate (except Derek, and espeically Jade Goody).
Predators and enemies
The natural enemy of the Chav is the police officer or the ‘LAPD’ as the Chav likes to think of the British police force - the result of spending too much time listening to shoddy mass-produced rap music. Chavs are in effect anarchic, and their society has not yet evolved sufficiently to understand the need for Law and Order. Hence, they refuse to accept they have done anything wrong when they are dragged off to jail on a Saturday night for smashing a bottle in someone’s face. Scientists believe this might have been what civilisation was like on Earth 300,000 years ago, before intelligent life developed. Another natural enemy of the Chav is anyone with money, most likely engendered as a result of their own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self worth resulting from them being a cancer upon humanity. The third enemy of the Chav is sometimes reported to be the punk, there are rare cases which still remain unverified that the ancient punk rockers would nourish themselves from the blood of young Chavs, as exclaimed only in urban legend. Another enemy of the Chav is the foreigner; Chavs are intensely jingoistic and when they go on holiday will only stay in British holiday resorts to prevent contact with any foreigners. Indeed, the Chav can go to Spain and never be exposed to a single word of Spanish for the duration of their trip.
Chavs online
If you have ever had the pleasure of talking to a chav on MSN, Bebo, Myspace or anything else the kids are into these days, you will know full well it is a confusing and gruelling task to complete. First and foremost, they never succeed in saying a complete sentence. If they wish to know how you are feeling, they will use the two letters "uk?" which can be most confusing for the MSN beginner, as they may believe the chav is enquiring as to whether or not the are currently in the UK. The female chav, sometimes referred to as a chavette, seems to enjoy referring to others as "baybz",(pronounced babes) as does the male chav when trying to get someone of the opposite sex to come for a ride in his "flash motor." They all seem to prefer the use of numbers to letters. This is said to be due to the fact numbers do not come in capital and lower case form, so it is easy to remember. I completely understand, I mean it is hard to remember when you've only been doing it for over 13 years! When actually using letters, chavs generally put a capital letter at the beginning of every word so that they are covered, and don't actually have to remember when they should be used. The 'X' key on the chavs keyboards is generally worn out because of putting it after every sentence ever used. I don’t think they realise that if their conversation was in person, the person opposite them would be covered in the chavs bright red lipstick. I recommend you avoid adding some one under the category of chav on any social online network as they can cause severe irritation.
An example of a typical MSN conversation between a Chavette and a legitimate human being:
- Chavette: Hey Baybz uk xxx
- Person: uk? oh, i get it! yep, i'm fine thanks. you?
- Chavete: f9 Fanx Baybz Wubu2 xxx
- Person: huh?
- Chavette: Loolz Nm Aint Got Nufin Too Doo Lmao xxx
- Person: oh... er, good. so how's your sister?
- Chavette: She Such A Fukin Bitch Mayyteee An She Sed She Preggaz Agen xxx
- Person: um, ok. isn't your sister 12?
- Chavette: Yea An She Only Got Lyyk Wun Kid Lool Wot A Tard
- Person: what?!
- Chavette: Omdzzz Yooh No Kayla Tbh She A Fukin Stunnah Mayyteee An She Gave Hed To Dat Mingaa Dave But Hes A Geek Wtf Y She Do Dat He Mingin Mayyteee xxx
- Person: he's my friend actually
- Chavette: Aaaaah Yooh Gona Get Propaa Merkd Now Mayyteee Tbh I Fukin Hate Yooh Y Yooh Bein Mayytees Wiff Dave He A Fukin Mong xxx
- Person: ok, i have no fucking idea what the hell you're saying, so i'm leaving this conversation now
Person leaves conversation
- Chavette: Ok Baybz Luffooo! xxx
Final solution?
Chavs are, in fact, parasites, leeching off society to feed their lecherous habits and providing nothing but detriment in return. Therefore, a modest proposal for a practical solution is the immediate sterilisation of all Chavs. We will keep a small colony for breeding; after all, we do need some in order to keep supermarkets going, although truth be told foreign imports are better, but the vast majority will be made infertile and allowed to die off. Those who remain will be sub-categorised into ‘slaves’, and will perform all menial tasks in return for a dingy council flat and basic feeding – two meals a day, at least one containing meat, or at least something described as such on the packet. In doing this we can not only purify humanity but also remove the need for unemployment benefit. With no unemployment, crime rates will fall, cities will become Utopias, Atlas will shrug and humanity will evolve beyond its wildest dreams. There is also the theory that due to the lesser quality of their fake barberry, come the winter season the chavs will lack the necessary insulation and die. This theory however has not been tested, and the current guidelines for chav control involve the use of a high powered rifle.
See also
 | Fundamental Stereotypes |
| Americans | Armenians | Asian People | Assholes | Babies | Beatniks | Black People | Blondes | Brits | Brunettes | Canadians | Captains | Cavemen | Chavs | Christians | Communists | Dirty Sanchezes | Dolphins | Emos | Extremely Ugly People | Feminists | Filipinos | Furries | Gays | Geeks | Gypsies | Hippies | Heroes | Idiots | Japanese | Jehovah's Witnesses | Jews | Lesbos | Men | Mexicans | Minsters | Mormons | Nazis | Nerds | Ninjas | Pirates | Ninja Pirates | Poets | Politicians | Psychics | Redheads | Retards | Thieves | Toddlers | Trekkies | Vegetarians | White People | Women |
Categories: British | Stereotypes | People | Tribes of Britain | Chav
