Cheerios
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“War is hell, but Cheerios is a damn fine cereal.”
~ Rick James on Cheerios
“Cheerios is a fine cereal indeed: I only found two razor blades per box. Delicious!”
~ Dead person on Cheerios
“Cheerios is like O's 'cept they are cheery; they are just the thing to brighten your day.”
~ The inventor of alphabet soup noodle O's
“Cheerios are donut seeds....”
~ George W. Bush on Cheerios
“There's a message in my cereal! It says:oooooooooooooo.....”
~ Peter Griffin on Cheerios
Cheerios were invented by late scientist Heinrich Himmler in an attempt to create convenient pocket size warp holes. The result was a rather creative, and tasty snack. Unfortunately for Himmler, the experiment was a total failure, as the amount of energy required for the bite sized portal could only be produced when surrounded by an extreme amount of milk. As a result, Hitler dropped the project until the end of WWII. The name for Cheerios, is a fairly common misconception of the project's true name, Fearios.
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[edit] Post WWII Era
In 2003, as part of a secret plan to kill george bush American Government, Himmler calibrated the miniaturized portals to bring in miniature bugs from the planet Htrae, who would ruin the internal organs of the American children. This plan ultimately failed, as a child named Little Jimmy brought a box of the little portals to the Hitler Youth, who were poisoned and promptly died. Upon hearing the news, Himmler, being the Emo that he was, slit his wrists. The famous 'portal' recipe eventually made it's way to the western world, where it was mass produced and released to the public in 2006 by General Mills, a Texas-born cereal tycoon. The entire country was cast into turmoil. Children around the states were all filled with the evil bugs of Htrae, who emerged through the miniature portals and began a sweep over the nation.
[edit] War of Htrae
In the year of 1975, President Jimmy Carter declared war upon the bugs and their planet. It ended in disaster. Even with powers such as the U.S.S. Jimi Hendrix, the government could not combat the addictive properties of Cheerios, and the production was not stopped. President Carter made a last ditch effort to stop the flow of bugs by sending in an elite team of commandos known as the S.U.G.A.R (Super Ultimate Gunning Advanced Recon) unit. They infiltrated the planet Htrae by shrinking down to the size of the hole in a cereal piece and moving through the portal. Upon their arrival, they ran through in a typical action movie fashion, and killed everything in sight. But the hive that created the terrible creatures was heavily guarded, and impossible for any man to defeat. The S.U.G.A.R came to the logical conclusion: send the only black man on the team in to destroy the hive with a bomb, and no chance of survival. And he didn't. The hive was destroyed and the team rejoiced with the rest of the world as the threat of Htrae was absolved forever.
[edit] Post War
With victory in Htrae, the world relaxed, but the threat was not over. Neo-nazi's attempted to recreate the Htrae portals with a new brand of cheerios, Frosted Cheerios. These however resulted in a portal to Hoth and a fairly useless, although tasty, product. Many more attempts have only resulted in failures such as Berry Blast Cheerios (Alternate Happy Universe of Joy portal) and Apple Cinnamon Cheerios (Bat Fuck Insane Universe portal.) One partially successful attempt was the Honey-Nut Cheerios invasion of 1993, where the Queen Bug of Htrae emerged, but was killed and the threat was ended in all of 3 seconds. An immortalization of her likeness can be seen on all boxes of Honey-Nut Cheerios, as a sign of victory across the world.
[edit] As a Tasty and Nutritious Snack
Cheerios today fulfill the health needs of many Americans, and are often shipped abroad as a form of famine relief aid, teleportation, and light weight, whole grain ballast for hot air balloons. The product has come in many varieties since the devastating Htrae war, including frosted cheerios, dusted cheerios (sold only in 3 gram sealed lead containers), mega cheerios, anorexic cheerios (which were exclusively hole), and the ever popular Sour Cream, Wasabi, and Garum flavored snack varieties. The Chinese have also capitalized on the the popularity of the invention with Antimony'os, which provide you with over three hundred percent of your yearly allotment of heavy metals and neurotoxins, as approved by the Pfizer subsidiary company, the FDA. A new bran of "Polonium'os" is expected to hit the market this fall, in time for the Beijing Olympics. Japan is meanwhile in production of NANo's, a microsopic brand of cereal used to feed their burgeoning population of six-inch high humanoids (Koreans), who they use to etch silicon microchips. Apple is also in the production of the iCheerio, each piece of which can store 25 square pixels of visual information and play a luxurious three notes from all your favorite songs (prices range from $6000 to $8500 per box, depending on the exact number of iCheerios per bag. While cheerios are a diverse and healthy snack, it is not by anymeans suitable for everyone. Most people who suffer the following conditions are advised not to eat more than twelve cubic meters of cheerios per day: Pulse, Breathing, consciousness (of any kind), A functioning gastric system, and the rudimentary tenets of Sanity. If you are American, or do fall into these determined categories, than this amount of Cheerios is recommended for YOU! Cheerios are produced in an environment which produces dairy products, wheat products, tree nuts, ornamental ceramics, radioactive fallout (from the Vitamin dispensers), Pez containers, Debbies snacks, and midgets. Any one who suffers from an allergy to one or more of these substances is advised to eat Cheerios at there own risk.
