French
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“We surrender!”
~ The French on being French
“A Picnic! in Paris...”
~ Adolf Hitler on His Journey to the West in 4 Days
The French , according to the dictionary: Adjective, "To be French: To cause someone an inconvenience at no personal gain."
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[edit] L'Intrôdùctíônné
French was discovered in Paris, a throat disease of moderate severity. Symptoms include incomprehensible spoken language with excessive softness and a total lack of pronunciation of the hard vowels. A constant gargling when pronouncing the letter 'r' is an unpleasant side effect of the disease. The cause is down to excess garlic consumption which invades the blood and body tissues and also causes rudeness and Tourette's. The disease then morphed into the English language as it became immune to antibiotics. This has all but wiped out the disease except from the areas of extreme prevalence.
Les Français sont ceux qui habitent en France... WHAT?
Translation (by a French person):
The Indiens are those who procreate in Argentina.
Oh, forget it. Even the French don't speak French. Haven't you seen films where the French just speak English with a dodgy accent? It's all true. All this "French" stuff is just put on to annoy the tourists. Only the Québécois speak French, and they do it just to piss you off. The true French language consists of a series of popping noises similar to morse code made with one's mouth. For the other people who normally speak English but switch to a made-up language when you walk into the pub, see Wales and Ireland.
However hard to understand it is, many unsuspecting young British and American women often fall hopelessly in love with the Wine and Musty Cheese smelling creatures who enjoy cooking for themselves or for their girl a portion of Frog Legs with Snail Slime Délire! One might ask, "Have they never heard of taking a girl to the local Chippie?"
Those creatures, "Frenchmen", would do pretty much anything (including betraying their own fathers and uncles) to get a girl into bed, and often engage in merciless and bloody battles among themselves, knifing their best friend if necessary, to take advantage of British tourists. This highly complex nuptial custom is deep-rooted in French culture, going back to the Gauls (from French "avoir la Gaule": to suffer from erectile hyperactivity), who would fight for days over in the hope of appeasing their insatiable appetite. Those fights were recounted by Julius Caesar in his famous best-seller "The Gallic wars" (a corruption from Latin: "The phallic wars"), a romanced version of the autobiography of great French historian Astérix.
French, the language of prostitution, is mostly known for the famous phrase "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?". Underage and ignorant girls all over the western world have been repeating this French crackwhore solicitation like it was a cool thing to do. If they knew what it meant, they'd be rightly ashamed.
The eponymous song gained amazing success during the world-broadcasting of the crowning of De Gaulle, when he managed to place himself right in front of Margaret Thatcher during the chorus. Ever since, repeating that feat has been the first wet dream of every prepubescent geek, although some might prefer to picture themselves in front of a kitten or Oscar Wilde, depending on personal taste.
The French language is also the easiest language to "teach" to very young children (and Republicans). It is easy to pass off your infant (or big business lobbyist) for speaking the language, as the number one, "Un", is simply said by grunting. More of an "ooohn" rather than "uuuugh", but still, its not that hard. This followed by the slightly harder "Deux", which is pronounced similarly to "Un", but with a "d" sound in the beginning. So, it is possible to say infants (or conservatives) speaking French are smart. helo
[edit] The Uvular 'R'
The uvular 'r' is a method of pronunciation attributed primarily to the French and small animals (such as angry poodles). The method first came into practice around c17, used by the fashionable members of the salon to clear their throats in public without having to interrupt speech (also known as de-flegmation). The method spread throughout the fashionable societies of Europe and later was adopted by the bourgeoisie who, believing it to be simply sophisticated pronunciation, used it for every 'r' in everyday speech (in a way reminiscent of Monsieur Jourdain of 'Le Bourgeoise Gentillhomme' fame). The 'r' then spread from the bourgeoisie down to the plebs who used it to such an extent that the French language mutated into something that resembled a symptom of tuberculosis (see consumption) or the chesty cough. It has remained this way ever since. Pronouncing "gonorrhea" is fatal for anyone French, as it causes a massive implosion of their head because of the Uvular R pronounciation. They were actually not french but Pre german nazis
[edit] Common French facts
- They can live off alcohol, cigarettes & coffee.
- They end all their questions with "no?" as a way of tricking you into a debate, in which they will then surrender.
- They were twice a part of Germany but even the Germans didn't want them.
- They hate the Cirque du Soleil because they feel it's too soft, too approachable and not elitist enough.
- They invented the letters âàçéèêëîïôùûü, which is actually the French word for sneeze.
- They would never eat cake, even if there is no bread or other kind of food.
- They won't eat something if it's not alive and covered in blood.
- The French have invented many things that prove useful in everyday life. Such inventions include: balloons, the Gay, certain types of toast, Machine gun, The Black Death, cannons, toungue kissing, the internet and the vagina.
- They eat Honey-nut French for breakfast.
- The French military relies exclusively on foreign mercenaries, but since nobody else in France wants to hire them, they were made into the Foreign Legion and treated like shit.
- If it is a car and is French, it will break in an expensive fashion the day after your warranty expires (unless a french teenager has not already set it on fire). Guaranteed, or your money back.
[edit] French Domestic Life
What is less known about the French is their domestic life. Long ignored by National Geographic and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, Uncyclopedia has uncovered several French traditions that we will now share.
Strike! Typical summer activity for French citizens is going on strike. While peoples of most English-speaking nations believe this to be due to French wall building, research shows that this activity is a complex learned biophysiologic activity. Laboratory studies performed on Alan Sugar's Apprentices have proven that activities closely associated with striking (e.g., marching (sans guns), hand waving, sign making, croissant hitting, nude figure-skating, etc.) release endorphins in the brain that are very similar to those noted by scientists training Belgian soldiers to surrender.
Snail Poaching: This activity has only been observed twice in its natural habitat, but has been successfully recreated by TV's CSI: Miami. In the recreation, a bit-part actor looking somewhat but not too much like a younger Teddy Kennedy glances clandestinely about for lifeguards before crossing the yellow caution tape separating the Martha's Vineyard swimming area from a commercial snail farm. Meanwhile, the audio clearly identifies that the scene is a flashback and not taking place in real time. It is reported that the bit part actor was only paid $250 for the scene, even though he is actually one of Teddy Kennedy's 6,528 illegitimate children.
Winter is cold in France, and due to recent shortages of gasoline many French people have been unable to receive their government-mandated ration of two Molotov Cocktails per week. As a result, citizens have taken to burning cars to keep warm. Especially in the suburbs where gas shortages are at an almost catastrophic state.
Christmas: One of the favourite times for most French patriots is Christmas, when French boys and girls wake up early to find baskets of freshly severed heads under their Christmas trees. The heads are severed during the night and placed there by Father Christmas, who rides through the sky in a Citroën pulled by six striking transit workers.
[edit] The French Language
Little is known about "French" (or "frogspeak" as it is sometimes known). Naturalists have been studying it for some time and have all come to different conclusions. Some say that, like pi, it is not from this planet and, if deciphered, may be the key to our existance. Some believe that if all the French words are said in the correct order, the world will be destroyed. Many, however, believe that French is not really a language at all. It was dissolved years ago and now all French people speak English. They still "talk" French to satisfy the Italians (who have a similar problem) and to annoy tourists.
[edit] Useful French words and phrases
Je me rends ! translates into "I surrender!", a very useful term for all French people, who have it drummed into their heads in primary school. They learn it so often in fact, that it becomes a reflex action at the sight of a German (or any vaguely threatening foreigner).
Je mange des escargots translates into "I am so hungry, I eat anything that looks even remotely alive." It is a well known fact that the French are always starving hungry and will eat anything, including snails, horses and the occasional amoeba. Food shipments are sent out every week from every country that cares, but they are usually devoured before they can be properly distributed.
Here are a few French phrases you will probably end up using if you go to France.
de la merde: "Made in the Republic of Sarkozy."
une merde de chien: 'a French dog turd.'
Il ne se prend pas pour de la merde ! means "He thinks the sun shines out of his arse!"
ce temps de merde means that you are in Paris during vacation.
C'est d'la merde ! means "Stike!"
J'ai complètement merdé en littérature anglaise. signifies "I'm not an Englishman!!"
T'aurais pas une cigarette ? translates into "Wanna fuck?"
Puis-je prendre une merde sur votre visage ? Je promets que vous l'apprécierez translates into "I greatly thank you for your meal, it was quite delicious."
Je capitule ! means "I give in, please spare my French testicles."
"also we dont know how to say this but tom is a gay christian"
[edit] Plans for the future
Before Napoleon's defeat, the French had a Europe-rocking 16-3 record for wars, except for ones with England, when we caned them.
The plans are already underway for another French revolution, this time re-instating King Louis XVII!LOLO!!1III as the rightful heir to the throne. The recent riots in France aren't actually about ending racial prejudice but really about re-instating an iron-fisted warmonger for another try at a land battle in Asia, and try to end Russia's dynastical 6-20 record, interrupted only by the beet shortage revolt of 1919.
This war will officially be known as World War III.4
America will remain out of the war, quietly supporting French rebels in the Poutine revolt in Quebec. Four years in, America will finally realize that its missing out on all the fun and win the war for the English, even though they really don't deserve it. Alas by the time they Join the War, the English have already Won.
All they're good for is kissing and wall building, they never help anyone, unless a thumble of wine is concerned...
[edit] The uses of French
Apart from annoying tourists, the French believe that French should be the international language of diplomacy. This, however, would not work as it would create more wars as the ambassadors would not be able to agree on the gender of the nouns, whether or not the adjective genders agreed with the nouns, and whether the verb endings were correct. As a case study, French was the international diplomatic language in the 18th and 19th century; This is a time at which all the major colonial powers (England, France, Germany .etc) were at constant war.
As well as this they have replaced clay pigeons with frenchmen as they are cheaper, bigger and more satisfying to shoot.
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