Cheese sandwich
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“All ruddy mince pies and brandy. 20 Million homes and nowt but mince pies and brandy! what I'd give for a cheese sandwich once in a while. ”
~ Father Christmas on Britain
“Hey, Jesus, go put your face on a cheese sandwich; it'll really freak out the normals.”
~ God on cheese sandwich
Contents |
[edit] History
The cheese sandwich (orig. Middle English: Cheys Samwicke) was previously thought to have been an invention of the bourgeois fascist anarchists, with the nefarious intent to enslave the free. However, new evidence exhumed by popular archaeology television programmes indicates that it was merely a luncheon staple created for convenience. The oldest living examples of cheese sandwich were found in Nottingham Smye originating from c. 3rd century A.C. These consist of two slices of bread coated in a saline compound. It appears that this was the norm until around 1860 when it became fashionable in London to insert cheese between the bread slices.
In recent history, several celebrities have been photographed with cheese sandwiches including most famously Bruce Forsyth (who was married to the sandwich at the time) and Barbra Streisand, who, while attempting to eat the sandwich, found that it had become inexplicably impaled on her nose.
[edit] How to Make a Cheese Sandwich
You may think that it is a rather difficult task to construct a cheese sandwich, and you would be right. However, what with a few simple pointers, anybody can make a basic low-cost and low-maintenance version that should be quite satisfying. You will need:
- Knife
- Plate
- Bread
- Cheese
- Hydraulic press
- Ceremonial cheese sandwich maker's wig
- Ice
[edit] Making the Cheese Sandwich
- If you have recently administered a handjob (and we know you have), wash your hands before beginning the sandwich.
- Place the ceremonial cheese sandwich maker's wig on the cheese BEFORE you attempt to slice the bread. This is imperative or the whole thing will come crashing down around you in a mirey mess.
- Clear up the mirey mess and start again.
- Place the bread on the plate and cut from the top to the bottom at a 45° angle.
- Using your hand, hollow out a space sufficient to accommodate the cheese in the larger section of bread.
- Remove wig from the cheese and place on ice.
- Insert cheese into larger section of bread and ram the smaller piece back on with the hydraulic press at full power.
- Remove the fused bread/cheese combination from the hydraulic press and place on the plate. Take it carefully to a warm cupboard and place inside. Close the door and lock it.
- Eat the ice.
- Say the word "tuanis" many, many times while you stare at your cheese sandwich, it will greatly enhance your appetite.
[edit] Interesting Facts
- The name "Cheese Sandwich" comes from a hybrid of the terms sandwich and a hat worn only on September the 10th of August.
- It is physically impossible to make a sandwich using Darth Feta.
- A Warlock must not eat a cheese sandwich.
- Replacing cheese with whoop ass won't taste as good, so don't bother opening the can.
- When you say cheese, you think of COON. don't pretend you don't.
- I once had a cheese sandwich. Oh yes.
[edit] See Also
 | Chicken Soup for the Eyes |
| Baby food | Beer nuggets | Boogers | Candy | Cheese sandwiches | Condoleezza Rice | Cornbread | Hammus | French bikinis | Fried Chicken | Fudge | Goa Tse | Hairy tacos | Krispy Kreme | Mushrooms | Mangos | Paint stripper | Penis | Pudding | Orange sherbet | Rocky Mountain Oysters | Turd burgers | Spam | Tablets | Taco Bell |
Categories: Food | Tasteless | Recipes
