Catnip
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“The terrorists have won. Are you happy now?”
~ George W. Bush on facts
^--^ oo *
Catnip is a rare and elusive drink that the common domestic house cat has trouble obtaining itself. Generally the feline gets one of its human slaves to acquire such substance. Once acquired catnip is stored in a hipflask that is attached to the cat's tail.
Catnip has a psychotropic effect on cats that is similar to kitten huffing on humans. Beware; cats tend to go through withdrawal symptoms far more worse than humans. Here is a list of the most common symptoms:
- Your cat seems to chase imaginary mice, flies, rhinos, etc.
- Constantly resetting your video game console when you have just beaten the level boss.
- Keeping you up at night by firing wildly into the air. Keep firearms locked up.
- Hiding the remote
- Ransom notes found for your wife/girl friend demanding "more catnip or the human gets it."
- Occasional murders, sodomy, etc.
- Talking Back
- Starts riots in your home leaving your other pets dead and bloody
- Never takes out the trash as you request
Catnip addiction is a very serious problem that 4 out of every 5 cat-owning households go through at some point.
Common medical advice offered is: never get your feline addicted; once hooked on catnip, say goodbye to your foot warmer and hello to slightly homicidal and sexually active feline!
If, by some cruel joke of God, your cat is introduced to this horrible substance, it should be locked in a bathroom with butter on its paws and 3 day's worth of food. Cold turkey is the only way to go (although Tuna or chicken are better than starving).
[edit] Catnip Development
As more and more cats have managed to obtain free scholarships and bursaries to Universities, particularly for studying pharmacology, there has been a noted rise in catnip usage and an entire culture devoted to "the 'nip". Our most recent sources come from those cats willing to wear a wire while entering this sub-culture of the feline community. These sources have found that the familiar drink known as catnip is now being crystalised in labs for inhalation rather than consumption. This has of course made it more difficult to restrict catnip production, and it is now so available that it 'might as well be legal' as one narcotics agent has put it.
[edit] Anti-Catnip Campaign
Due to its large availability, anti-catnip lobbyists have managed to push through a bill demanding an advertising campaign to make young cats and kittens aware of the risks. One of the most famous of these campaigns was the Cat Face Documentary produced by Weebls Stuff. The campaign can be viewed here.
[edit] Effects on Humans
Humans also sometimes smoke catnip, or "Legal Marijuana', as it is known to addicts. It is not very well known that humans smoke catnip. It is however, well known, that Your mom smoked too much catnip in the hippie days. Famous catnip smokers include: George Bush, Dick Cheney (They had a stoner experience, maaaan.), Bob Marley, and Your mom.
