Cheesecake
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 PIECE OF CRAP WARNING!This page is a piece of crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.
|
“This cake is not made of cheese”
~ Captain Obvious on Cheesecake
Cheesecake is a sweet foodstuff made with pastry, cheese, cheese, cheese, pastry and cheese. It was invented around 1986 AD during the rise of m.c. Hammer; there is still controversy over who produced the very first cheesecake, but it wasn't Original Jesus, so Bizarro Jesus may have done it in that perverse, reverse way of his.
[edit] Production Of Cheesecake
Norwadays cheesecake is made using a process known as the large sieve method, pioneered by Rupert Murdoch in 1571. HIs recipe called for about one gram of marijuana, an expensive treat in those days, so only the colombians and the kings could eat it. Pastry, cheese, cheese, cheese, pastry and cheese are placed in a sieve, and country music is played and great volume. This has the curdling effect of separating the raw ectoplasm in the sieve into solid and liquid parts. The solid part, known as block, is moulded, pressed and baked into cheesecake. The liquid part, known as Coca-Cola, runs off and is fed to German mathematicians as a cheap coffee substitute.
In ancient times, a similar process was carried out by hand. Since pastry is carcinogenic, in keeping with the phenomenon of everything causing cancer, this caused many cheesecake workers to die of ear cancer. The incumbent King, George V, managed to figure out the connection and banned cheesecake. It is still banned, but only in the same way the works of Kafka are banned.
George V eventually turned into a cheesecake, which served him right.
[edit] Why should I eat cheesecake?
I'm glad you asked, Billy, or whatever your name is. There are many very interesting reasons why cheesecake stands out from all the cheeses and cakes, to become champion of tummies everywhere. For one, it's not just a cheese, or a cake, for that matter: it's both AT THE SAME TIME. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in. Yes, by themselves, these foods, even by themselves, are siezure-inducingly delicious by themselves, but when combined, they form an unstoppable moving wall of incredibleness. Walls don't normally move, but this one does, because it's made of cheesecake.
